28 Lessons From Year 28

birthdya-hat-kittyTomorrow I start my crazy adventure through my last year in my 20’s. A lot of my friends are truly horrified about entering the scary and unknown grounds of their 30’s … but I’m fully prepared and over the moon about entering into a new decade. Simply because my 20’s were the worst. Lots of change. Lots of tears. Lots of growing up. It sucked.

So instead of feeling like tomorrow starts the ticking time bomb of 365 until I turn 30 :::cue stupid lightning bolds:::, I’m going to reflect on the 28 lessons I learned this year. Because it is important to reflect, you know? 

So 29 … let’s get these 365 days over with so I can start a new book in my series, shall we? 

1. I’m a proud cat lady and I likes it

2. Tina Fey is God and I strive every day to become her

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3. Reading is my natural form of Xanax

4. Fear can make you do incredible things you never thought you would be able to do … (wow … how deep am I?! But yeah … it’s true)

5. Cooking shows are ALSO my natural form of Xanax (Chopped specifically is my jam)

6. Speaking of cooking, I’m kind of getting in to it and my picky eater ass is kind of expanding her palette (what? I know … right?)

7. That sometimes life can get so much better once you get laid off from a job

8. That social media gives me anxiety 

9. Hangovers truly get worse with age (I’ve always had bad hangovers, but my GAWD)

10. I have the patience of a golden God :::hair flip:::

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11. I turn into a complete asshole at the grocery store, but so do you

12. The only way I can vacuum is if I’m blasting Missy Elliot 

13. That chopping your hair off can be horrific and scary, but so liberating

14. Speaking of hair, I’m totally going more and more blonde in year 29 (again … what?)

15. I loathe exclamation points and proudly take my red pen to them whenever I see an opportunity present itself. Because no one is ever THIS excited!!!!!!!!! No one. 

16. Oh yeah … I still hate people (that is probably a constant)

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17. I love my cats more than I love you (in fact I just paused writing this post to snuggle her)

18. The only way you will ever get me to run, in a bathing suit, sans a cover up, is when a gigantic tarantula presents itself (happened this summer and I abandoned my mother, niece and nephew proudly)

19. I loathe sweating and have dreams of starting a one woman show called “Die, humidity, die … COLON … I just sweated through my bra”

20. That while I respect T. Swift … BAD BLOOD AND MAD LOVE DON’T RHYME. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THEY JUST DON’T! And yes I used an exclamation point because that is just how much this shit infuriates me. 

21. I’m a spin class failure and I’m okay with it 

22. The older I get the more I’m turning into Dorothy Zbornak 

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23. That Keeping up with the Kardashians is my secret addiction in life and every day I have to take deep soothing breaths from stopping myself from subscribing to their apps (DON’T LOOK AT ME!)

24. I still wish my job consisted of saying “HOT SHIT” or “NEW SHIT” in the beginning of rap songs

25. But, more than ever, I’m extremely thankful for my career and for all the fantastically smart and talented people I have the pleasure of working with

26. My mantra that got me through a huge portion of year 28 was, “I’M NOT REALLY HERE. I’M NOT REALLY HERE.” (credits from the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt … by the way when is that coming back because my life is lost without it)

27. Don’t tell me to smile when I’m walking because I will burn your face off with my death glare (this is a constant for every year)

28. I love carbs … again … probably more than you

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