How Much My Face Costs

Screen Shot 2015-09-10 at 2.25.19 PMI hate to admit this. In fact, I’m typing with one hand and covering my face in shame with the other. But I’m slightly mystified with the Kardashians. I’m not proud of it. But after a long day, it’s something I can turn my brain off and be entertained by, much like staring at something shiny, ya know?

Therefore when I see an article that says something like, oh I don’t know … “This is How Much Kylie Jenner Spends On Her Face,” I click on it. (Oh shut it, you probably did, too) 

I was expecting thousands and thousands of dollars would be spent, between the lip fillers and her star-studded cast of hair stylists and makeup artists. But the youngest of the Kardashian clan spends around a little over $3,000 for the whole sha-bang. While for me, that price is shocking and a bit appalling, for her it’s kind of like, “really? That’s all?” 

Which made me want to evaluate my own beauty regiment, because I don’t know about you, but I wake up looking like a gargoyle. So I need a LOT of help de-gargoyling myself before I can show my face in public without scaring small children. 

While I was a little nervous, yet 110% positive I wouldn’t come close to Kylie’s over $3,000 beauty budget, I decided to crunch the numbers and see how much I actually spend to fake dance around people and be all, “I WOKE UP LIKE DIS,” but in reality I woke up super early and applied X amount of dollars worth of shit to my body so I didn’t frighten you. 

So here it is … 


Aveeno Positively Radiant Brightening Face Cleanser: $7.99

Aveeno Daily Moisturizing Lotion: $11.99

Kiehls Facial Fuel Eye De-puffer: $20.00

Miss Spa Brightening Facial Sheet Mask: $3.99 (only once in a blue moon, though)

Rubbing Alcohol: $3.29 (this is my solution to all breakouts … it’s glorious)


Smashbox Photo Finish Foundation: $36 (I still don’t know if this shit ACTUALLY does anything)

Benefit Erase Paste: $26 (the cream of the Gods)

Laura Mercier Foundation: $48

Mac Bronzing Power: $26

Benefit Sugarbomb Box O’ Powder: $28 (I randomly found this stuffed in the back of my makeup drawer, and now I’m obsessed)

Benefit They’re Real Mascara: $24

Sephora Collection Long-lasting 12-hour liquid eyewear: $12

Sephora Collection Retractable Eyebrow Pencil: $13

Rimmel Lasting Finish By Kate Moss Lipstick: $5.79 (my current lip jam)


TRESeme Color Revitalize Protection Shampoo: $4.99

Conditioner from a hair dye box (depends): $6.99 (yes, I buy the box hair dye, and only use the conditioner because it rocks that hard)

Keratin shit from my salon: $20 (it has my salon’s logo on it, so I don’t know exactly where you could get it.  What up, Verde Salon)

Not Your Mother’s Clean Freak Dry Shampoo: $5.99 (only when I’m super lazy and don’t want to wash my hair, which is constantly)

Grand total to NOT look like a gargoyle: $304.02 

I mean it isn’t TERRIBLE, right? RIGHT?! GOOD GOD, TELL ME I DON’T HAVE ISSUES! Sigh. I blame Sephora. Damn you, Sephora and all of your shiny goodness, DAMN YOU! :::shakes fist::: (just kidding, love you, mean it)


A Life Without Mirrors

CaptureAs I got up this morning, feeling like I got 2 hours of sleep when in reality I got a solid 8, and desperately hating the fact that it was Wednesday, I starred at myself in the mirror hating even more that I had to make this :::waving hand in front of face::: look acceptable for human beings to see.

Then I thought about how different life would be without mirrors. I think I was inspired by the Dove Beauty commercial that challenged women to use Dove for 7 days without mirrors. Literally a team of dudes came in and removed all mirrors from their homes. During that week you see these women washing their faces, and instead of standing in front of a mirror picking apart every flaw on their body, they were just enjoying the feel or their skin. Kind of idiotically … but I mean without mirrors what else would you do, right?

Or maybe it was that I just watched Divergent for the first time and decided that I totally would be in abnegation because the idea of only getting only a certain amount of time to look in the mirror really excites me. Literally. The mirrors have timers. Why don’t I live in this world!?

Sure, mirrors are great for doing makeup and your hair. But they also are a trap for starring at yourself, and if you are anything like me, wishing so badly that things were different from your eyebrows that you wish looked like Cara Delevingne and hair follicles that look nothing like Kim Kardashians. I mean don’t you hate FaceTime for this reason? Because I do. Instead of connecting with friends and relatives across the country, I’m too busy trying to find an angle that doesn’t make me look like a gargoyle … duck facing through it all.

I wish I could honestly say I don’t check myself out in anything that gives off a reflection from televisions to train car windows, but I do. Simply because I want to ensure I am at my best self … and honestly who the fuck knows what that ACTUALLY means. Do I have anything in my teeth? Do I have an alfalfa hair sticking up? Do I look like Kate Moss yet? How about now? I mean have you ever looked at yourself in the window of a store, not thinking there were actual people inside, but in reality you know there are people inside shopping and looking at what a vain asshole you truly are. Yeah … join the club.

Dove Beauty has a point. When was the last time you looked in a mirror at your own reflection and said, “daaaaaaaaaaamn, bitch, I look good.” I mean … that is not what they are saying, but you get the drift. The honest answer to that is never. I never look in the mirror and internally give myself compliments.

So Dove, my answer to your question of #BeautyIs … being able to wake up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror and say, “daaaaaaaaaaamn, bitch, I look good,” even if I resemble a gargoyle. It is about accepting the unacceptable. You is who you is, and there are places Sephora for enhancement purposes.

I challenge you, sexy reader, to avoid glaring at yourself in a mirror that is behind your friend in front of you who is trying to tell a story. To stop checking yourself out in anything with a reflection. And to give yourself a compliment once a day. Like today, my accessory game is on point. There. I said it. Now … your turn:


Wrinkles?! Cue Soundtrack From Psycho …

So I’ve been on a high-speed roller coaster this week. Stress, anxiety, sadness, happiness, drama, excitement, apprehension, fright … literally all wrapped up in a bow. But I mean, that’s life, right? But especially after my extremely long and fabulous day yesterday (did I mention I went to fashion week, because I did … eee!), which led me to become a bit dehydrated, slightly under fed and massively sleep deprived … I woke up this morning and while trying to make myself look like a functioning human being I noticed my eyes looking a bit … weathered, to say the least.

Did I mention I’m 25? My mother is 65 and literally just looked at herself and said, “oh look, I’m starting to get wrinkles.” What kind of crazytown nonsense is this?! I’m not saying I have wrinkles, or perhaps I’m in denial. My best friend’s worst nightmare has always been getting wrinkles. Even when we were in college she was into anti-aging serums and I thought she was cray-cray.

I relate anti-aging serums to having grand children and wearing dentures. Period, because that is what good old advertising has put into our heads all these years. Now all of a sudden as a woman in her 20’s I need to put this on my Sephora wish list? Really? Beauty wise, we already have so much shit to worry about and purchase, and now this? But seriously, anti-aging serums … the GOOD ones … are insanely expensive. And how do you know what the good ones are. They all claim to smooth skin, fill lines and reduce aging. Where do you begin, I mean for the love.

So what am I going to do? Well, I’m going to take a deep breath because I know I’m still young and probably technically don’t have wrinkles just yet, but I do know I need to be taking better care of my skin so I don’t look like a wrinkled piece of leather my grand children hide in a corner. So it all starts with healthy living. I realize I sometimes don’t take care of myself in the proper way, so in a perfect world, here is what I would do:

1. It all starts with eating healthy. Fruits, veggies … or even trying a raw diet like my good friend is doing, which apparently is making her feel fantastically energized with a clear head. I would literally shank someone if I couldn’t have a carb but it is fun to think about.

2. Water is the best anti-wrinkle treatment you can do. A hydrated body means hydrated skin which means vibrant and beautiful skin.

3. NO Diet Coke. NONE. Diet Coke or diet drinks in general personally make me feel bloated and my face look puffier than it actually is. Just because it’s diet doesn’t mean it’s a loop-hole. Aspartame has some really disgusting side effects that a lot of people don’t know about. Do your research and just say no (advice coming from a recovering Diet Coke addict).

4. Doing yoga a couple of times a week. It will help you center, learn how to breathe your way through tricky situations and make you live in the moment more. It has done wonders for me, the girl who moves a million miles a second.

5. De-stress as much as humanly possible. Stress is the number 1 cause of wrinkles … or at least I believe so, because I’m a doctor and all, so breathe, take one thing at a time and keep everything in perspective. Easier said than done, I know … but give it a whirl … baby steps.

6. Sleep, for the love of God, SLEEP. And if you can’t sleep, knock yourself out with a Benadryl. “Beauty sleep” is a real thing, not just something tools say. Looking well rested is foundation to looking fabulous.

7. Have four drinks instead of eight. Okay, I adore a good cocktail, but you know you look like a house just fell on you when you wake up hung over. I know I do. No matter how much makeup I put on, the death look can not be hidden. So everything in moderation … especially the older we get. Ick.

8. Sunblock. Okay, unfortunately I did some pretty heinous damage to my skin while in my teens because, well, I thought Irish skin could get really tan during one beach day … like an idiot. But luckily a lot of makeup brands have SPF within them, so invest and adapt immediately. No one wants to look like leather one day.

9. Invest in a great face moisturizer. Find one that works for your skin. I would recommend mine, but all skin is a bit different. I do enjoy Neutrogena, but it may take a few tries with different brands to find your bag, baby.

10. Ugh … and finally … purchase a very BASIC and SIMPLE and CHEAP anti-aging serum and slowly work it into your face regiment. Do some research, go to the drug store, and find one that helps prevent wrinkles … not corrects. Don’t break the bank, just get something very subtle for younger people. Use a fake alias if you need to, no one will judge.

One day we will all be really old … so in the meantime we should do everything we can, besides get Botox, to help preserve it.