Exposing Skin During A Christmas Heatwave

article-2339291-1A3F441B000005DC-786_634x472Does anyone else think the rapture is coming or is it just me? It’s God damn Christmas in two days and I just walked outside without a coat on. What? And the meteorologists are all like, “::::nerd voice::: record shattering temperatures …. GLAVIN!” No. Let’s be real, it’s the end of days, right? Like this isn’t normal. 

Besides that, what the fuck do you wear to Christmas? Not that I like to get all fancy pants in front of my fam (sorry guys, you know I look like a gargoyle deep down, the gig is up). But a girl wants to look at least presentable, right?

I tried to stay festive on Thanksgiving with my brown cable knit, turtle neck sweater, and you know what? I was sweating my balls off the entire time to the point where my aunt was like, “for the love of God, go change,” and I refused because dammit I was being festive! 

But if you follow me on social channels, you know I loathe being hot and sweating and that I want to start a one woman show called, “Die, Humidity, Die … COLON … I just sweated through my bra.” So therefore I no longer give a shit about looking festive. As much as I want to wear my fur snood, tights, and festive sweater (that I don’t own), I’m saying to hell with it. 

Instead, and brace yourselves for this one, mama is exposing her legs on Christmas Eve by wearing an awesome skirt I own, SANS TIGHTS. Oh yeah. It’s happening. I’m giving everyone advanced notice to shield their eyes from the pale and probably rather hairy (shush, it’s winter, my razor goes into hibernation) mess that is about to come out of hiding. But don’t worry, I’ll shave prior, I’m not that much of a beast … simmah.

It truly disturbs me more than you know that I have to expose parts of my body this time of year that normally are in hiding under bulky sweaters and very focused on getting fat. It’s horrific. Like my arms. I haven’t looked at my arms in weeks. I have no idea what the hell is going on over there, besides lack of muscle definition and see-through paleness. So yeah … nothing great, kids. 

So if you are bummed out about not being able to be festively chic this Christmas, I’m with you, truly I am. It sucks. But hey, if the end of times are really upon us, mine as well be comfy. So I say whip out your maxi dresses and skirts. It’s totally unnatural (I know), but it is better than being a hot sweaty mess while you’re eating your weight in carbs and drinking your weight in wine. 

What can I say, this Christmas we are all going to get a lot views of very pale giggly bits … 


This Just In: It’s Not Christmas Time

Screen Shot 2015-11-02 at 2.12.18 PMOf course, typical me, Ms. “I’m not dressing up this year,” got the itch to turn herself into the devil early Saturday. With my fingers crossed, I walked into Rite Aid thinking there had to be SOMETHING devilish still available … right? 

Instead, I walked through the Halloween aisle to not find any goblins, ghouls, or ghosts … but instead … Santa Claus? Effing Santa Claus?! It was 1 p.m. on Halloween and kids hadn’t even started trick-or-treating. Yet I’m face-to-face with an arsenal of wrapping paper. 

Look, I love me some Christmas, I really do. You would have to be a cold-hearted snake not to want to get down with some Christmas. But when people talk about it starting in October, it makes me want to kick them … hard.

I get it, the Christmas season is a hectic time. But that doesn’t mean we get to extend its shelf life in order to make our lives “easier.” That’s just not real life. “Oooh, I don’t feel like making this deadline work. Let me bitch about it for another month just because I can.” Yeah. No. 

K-Mart commercials in October that play Christmas carols, telling me to put shit on layaway just because I can … again, makes me want to kick people … hard. Same with you, Starbucks. I still haven’t recovered from your Pumpkin Spiced bitch slap. Now you want me to indulge in “holiday flavors?” Can’t a girl OD on bite-sized candy in peace?!


Instead of viewing Christmas as this war zone of hell where you are either battling crowds at the mall whilst sweating to death, or getting hammered with every person you have ever met in your life whilst eating an unimaginable amount of carbs, why don’t we all just take Christmas in stride. Shall we? 

We had a rule in my house growing up that we weren’t allowed to talk about Christmas until the day after Thanksgiving. It sucked as a kid, because all I wanted to do was skim through the Sears catalog and make a rad red and green Christmas list. 

But it was my parents way of saving themselves from the stress of having to review my obscene Christmas list too early (not my fault, I was under the impression Santa handled these tasks). And also, giving me something to look forward to. 

So people, what I’m saying is, let the months be what they are. October for scary shit. November for turkey and food comas. And December. The month of December. December 1-31, all about the holidays. Until then, put your ear muffs on and tune out the premature holiday nonsense. 

Because I don’t want to think about decking the halls, watching Home Alone (my favorite holiday film), or the stress of figuring out what Great Aunt Susie wants until my food coma and leftovers have dissipated after Thanksgiving. Got it?

Be in the now, people, be in the now. Keep your eye on the turkey for the next 30 days. Otherwise, prepare to be kicked … hard. 


It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like … Wait It’s November!

tumblr_ldacwv1dSV1qavyzyLast night I was minding my own business watching TV, relaxing, snuggling my cat … the usual … when all of a sudden Santa was ho-ho-ho-ing all over my damn screen. Umm, whaaa? And not only that, he showed up like 50 more times. And a few weeks back I was scanning radio stations and heard, for a split second, a Paul McCartney Christmas song, and almost crashed into the guard rail frantically trying to turn it off. Hmm, weird, I didn’t get the memo that the holidays were upon us so soon, … huh.

There is really nothing we can do about it. When advertisers say the holidays are here … they are here. I give it hours, or maybe another day, if I’m being generous, that stores start blasting Christmas tunes and turn their heat up to equator-style temps.
I’m personally not ready for this shit. It’s true … the older you get, the more holidays suck. And I’m not saying that because I’m a big ol’ Grinch, I’m saying it because the people who let the word “holidays” put mountains of useless stress on their shoulders is not only idiotic, but incredibly annoying to the people around you who just want to enjoy the holidays.

So instead of throwing shit at your TV every time you see Santa, or start freaking out staring at the list of people you have to buy for, I want you … no … I dare you to take a deep breath and read my thoughts below that have the potential to zen you the fuck out during the “craaaaaaazed holiday season” … for the love … now, ahem:

1. Remember … It’s The Season of Giving: That doesn’t mean strictly designer goods, kids. Stop buying out Neiman for a sec and finish reading what I’m saying. This can be everything from a $5 knick-knack that made you think of the person, your time, a donation to a charity, a hug, a kiss, a poem, a homemade dinner. Stop thinking the more you spend the better person you are. No one cares slash knows. I’m not organic, I don’t eat granola or wear Birkenstocks (not that there is anything wrong with it), but sometimes shit that comes from the heart means more than a designer tag.

2. Make Memories: My aunt was always so good with this. Instead of giving me a toy I would stop playing with in 2.5 seconds, she would buy me tickets to a play or plan an adventure for us. Her reasoning was because unlike a toy she would buy me, I would have that memory forever.

3. Gifts Are OPTIONAL … Not MANDATORY: My GAWD, just because it is Christmas doesn’t mean you literally have to buy everyone you have ever laid eyes on a present. I don’t know where people got this assumption, but it is false. It is a nice gesture and can brighten someone’s day … but not necessary all of the time. Instead maybe, say with your co-workers, decide you will do a happy hour, donate to a shelter, give time to a soup kitchen … something that will make everyone feel better that doesn’t involve spending hours and hours fighting angry crowds at the mall searching for the perfect knick-knack.

And there you have it, folks. It is as simple as thinking outside of yourself. And if you are a person that likes a lot of presents (I mean who doesn’t), stop expecting so much. I miss the days of thumbing through the Sears Holiday Catalog and writing down everything my heart desired in red and green for Santa to see, too. But now … in order to decrease stress and chaos through the holidays … simplify. Enjoy. Take in the lights and the decorations. Soak in every moment with your loved ones. Eat way too much food and be happy you did. Because that’s what it is about when you get too old to thumb through the Sears Holiday Catalog.


Things That Make Me Want To Vom During The Holidays

I don’t know if you are aware … but it’s Christmas time. In fact, it has been Christmas time since like mid-October. They started off slowly in stores like pumpkins, pumpkins, pumpkin candy, Christmas tree, ghost, goblin, Santa … but now since we are like a solid week away from when it is ACTUALLY Christmas time, stores have said “screw it” let’s start this shit early.

In other news, I happen to love Christmas time. The lights, decorations, music … ahh it doesn’t get any better than that. But some people (not naming names … but you know who are you are) take it upon themselves to turn Christmas time into the cheesiest cheesefest of the year … making me want to said … vom. So besides Nat King Cole, Michael Jackson at a young age, the isle of misfit toys and caramel Santas … here are the things that make me want to vom during Christmas time … ahem.

Jeweler Commercials: My God. Mom trimming the tree as Dad swoops in holding a Kay Jewelers box with a Jane Seymour exclusive open heart necklace inside. Umm yeah … here’s what’s up. I don’t want a fake diamond necklace designed by Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman … okay? If every kiss begins with Kay then I’m going to become celibate. Clueless men out there… from me to you … think outside the Kay Jewelers box.

Lexus Commercials: I love it. A woman wakes up Christmas morning and her perfect golden retriever runs over to her wearing a red bow with a key at the end of the ribbon. She looks at it puzzled as her hubby motions to the window where she looks out and exclaims … “OH MY GOD … YOU GOT ME A LEXUS?!” Really? Who buys anyone a Lexus for anything let alone as a Christmas present. No one. I get Forever 21 PJ bottoms and I’m like to the moon happy. And how do you hide a Lexus from someone? What … did he like creep out of bed at 5 a.m., walk to where the car was, drive it in the garage and just pull a ridiculously large bow out of his ass? Huh? Honestly, seems like a lot of work. Pssst … advertisers for Lexus, this isn’t real life.

Couples Who Take Pictures in Front of the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree: Okay so New York is kind of amazing all the time … but during the holidays it is just straight up magical. But there is nothing that makes me want to unfriend you more than if you post a picture of you and your significant other, your bestie, or whomever else in front of that tree during Christmas. It’s just … unoriginal … corny even? So note to self, you post a picture of this and you are straight up getting unfriended … you’ve been warned. Take a picture in front of the holiday Barneys window … then we’ll talk.

People Who Use Santacon As An Excuse To Dress Slutty: Like it wasn’t bad enough that Halloween has turned into an excuse for females to buy out Victoria’s Secret, pop on a pair of ears and call themselves “a mouse … duh,” but now Christmas?! Come on. Take your American Apparel red tights, you hooker boots, and your furry coats someplace else. Same goes for Rudolph and the elves. Santa has a beard, he’s fat as all hell, he gets down with milk and cookies whenever he can, and he’s a gentle old man. How is this sexy?! For shame …

The Neiman Marcus Holiday Catalog: For the sheer fact I can’t even fathom affording ANYTHING in this book … it makes me weep. It is beautiful, over the top fantastic … yet :::sigh::: out of my reach. One day Neiman … but for now … you make me want to vom out of sheer sadness. Sorry I can’t buy my significant other a jet this year … shucks. Oh well … I suppose a cheese sandwich and a yo-yo will have to do.

People Who Wear Ugly Christmas Sweaters To Be Ironic: I blame Urban Outfitters and hipsters for this one. Ugly Christmas sweater parties took off when I was in college … and sure it’s funny to watch your friends strutting around drunk in a snowman embroidered turtleneck. But honestly … it’s over. Some granny’s still enjoy a good snowman sweater! What about them! Huh?! It isn’t cool, it isn’t cute, it isn’t creative (anymore) and it is the gateway fashion statement to dressing like a slut. You host an ugly Christmas sweater party and just expect someone to dress like a whore reindeer … just sayin’. You did this to yourself.

Malls/People Who Shop at Malls: Ew. I swear, malls turn into the center of hell once Black Friday hits. You’ve got the crazies, the temperature becomes equivalent to the equator, babies are ALWAYS crying at octaves only dogs can hear, sales associates want to hang themselves which therefore create a hostile shopping environment (trust me, I’ve been that sales associate before), and people turn into lunatics that will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to get that “great deal,” including: Cursing, causing a scene, telling off innocent sales associates because they can, throwing shit, getting in legit fist fights (I’ve seen in), participating in a tug of war over a piece of clothing, creating a stampede, etc., etc., etc. Woof … I’ll hide behind my laptop and online shop in my bed as I eat bon bons, kay thanks. See ya never, crazies.

If You Exclaim on Facebook “Aren’t I the Luckiest Girl in the World”: Some guys hit it out of the park when it comes to Christmas gifts. The will pull something out of left field and give you the gift of all gifts. Fantastic. But no need to take a picture of it, post … “OH EM GEEEEEEEE … aren’t I the LUCKIEST girl in the world!? ;)” Fine … you’re excited and want the entire world to know how fab your significant other is … but just so we’re clear AGAIN … I’m going to unfriend you. Instead of posting on Facebook, perhaps go run into the street and scream what you would make your status and see how idiotic you sound. “OH EM GEE, Bobby just got me the new black suede clutch from COACH, AREN’T I THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WOR …” and before you even get the words out, I guarantee someone will tell you to shut the hell up. Point proven.

Ahhhh and there you have it. Harsh? Absolutely … but I speaks the truth. No I am not a man hater, nor do I hate “love,” but I do want you to remember that Christmas is more than what is under your tree. Boom.

In other news … I can’t wait to play N’Sync Christmas! Right?! Who is with me!

The Art Of Accepting a Heinous Present

So there ya have it folks, Christmas came and went. I love how people are so pumped to wake up early this morning and go return stuff. What? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love shopping more than the next person. But we literally just got off a months marathon of shopping, where is the fire that you need to run to the first cashier you can see? All today is, is an excuse for irate shoppers to yell at poor cashiers who do nothing wrong about how this doesn’t work, or this has a hole in it, or how this was $45.99 but they want $105.95 back. Crazytown. Honestly, today is the only day I have off, so therefore I will be kickin’ it in bed, all day … with my new fantastic shoes on, of course.

But it made me think about all the times those wacky aunts and uncles or mom and dad got you that one gift that when you pulled the tissue paper back you wanted to immediately utter, “what in the name of everything holy …,” but didn’t because the look of excitement on their faces as you opened it. I mastered this art a very long time ago. Sure, you could say, “oh, Aunt Mally … I wanted this embroidered I Love Cats sweatshirt in a large, not an extra extra extra large,” but that leads to disappointment. What I do, is no matter what, I open it and get ultra excited … about everything, because at the end of the day, these people were nice enough to think of you and buy you a gift, so get excited. You take whatever it is out of the box and say, “Oh my God … THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNKKKSS (really draw out the thanks)! This is so ::::::adjective::::, I’ve always wanted this ::::noun:::::. How thoughtful ::::get up and give a heartfelt hug::::::.” AND SCENE.

What is the point of crushing people’s hopes and dreams of buying you the perfect present. My brother, for example, is the worst. No matter what, he will open the gift, look at you and be like, “eeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh, I wanted the one in red, BUT it is not big deal.” For a while I respected his honestly, because I never had the balls to say I didn’t like something, but at the same time, the look of disappointment on my mothers face was awful.

So yes, we probably all have a couple of presents that definitely need to get returned, and I get that a lot of people have today off, so why not go for the gold today. But not this guy … it is a jungle out there. I would rather enjoy all of the things I got, watch some good movies and be a sloth than deal with the crazytown American public.

On that note, I hope everyone had a lovely holiday … and faked liking presents like true actors and actresses.

Merry Christmas, Hap-py Hol-i-days (Nsync Style)

Merry Christmas, fantastic readers! I hope Santa was good to every single one of you. I’m going to be honest with you, it is a little difficult for me to write right now, for I am in sheer shoe ecstasy. What I found underneath my tree this morning was a pair of shoes that I have been lusting over for about a year and a half, only I would have never bought them for myself. They are completely impractical, completely over the top, but such a sincerely amazing surprise that it kind of brought tears to my eyes. Yes, I leaked a little over a pair of fabulous shoes.

The older I get, the more the presents don’t mean as much. It isn’t that I don’t like asking for things and finding them waiting for me wrapped up in a perfect bow on Christmas morning. But for me, more than anything, it is the enjoyment of being around the ones you love, as corny as it may sound. Things are things. At the end of the day, you can get these “things” any day of the week at any time. But the surprises and the little things you don’t ask for are absolutely the best kinds of presents to give. There definitely is a difference of asking for a specific lip gloss, in a specific shade, or just having someone you care about notice something you’ve been obsessed with, but haven’t pulled the trigger to purchase it for yourself. It honestly warms my heart and soul.

This week really has shown me that I am surrounded by a lot of love and support, including all of my fabulous readers. Merry Christmas, enjoy the day … eat, drink and drink some more!

Now if you will excuse me, I need to go spoon my fantastic shoes.

We Did It!

I just want to congratulate all my readers, for yes, it has happened. We have survived the holiday season! I consider Christmas Eve to be like the finish line of a month of bleeding our bank accounts dry. I really just envision myself running through a finish line in my winter coat with bags upon bags in my hand as people pour vodka all over me.

But Christmas Eve can be a tricky day. All of a sudden you are looking at all the stuff you bought for people, and clearly the crazy starts setting in, and it is not enough. You immediately feel the urge to run to the mall to buy useless nonsense that isn’t necessary just for the sake of giving that special someone more shit to open. Here are some words of wisdom, ahem: Less is more. Stop yo’ self. If you really think underneath your tree is bare, well then … I dunno wrap some empty boxes or something. But don’t go all cray cray at the mall today. Do you really want to be that guy fighting through the crowds of zombies returning stuff on December 26? I think not.

Dress wise, I usually go comfy on Christmas Eve for our open house, with LOTS of sequins of course, but the real important outfit are the PJs you wear for Santa. I know some families who have a tradition of getting Christmas PJs to wear on Christmas Eve, and my family is one of them. Literally my mom, sister and I will all be wearing the same red polka-dotted sleep pants tonight.

Anywho, I just needed to congratulate my fantastic readers on completing one of the most intense shopping months of the year. We did it, guys, we did it!

Santa Claus is comin’ to town!