Armholes In Jackets Are So 2000…

Screen Shot 2016-05-17 at 4.11.45 PMI’ve always been notoriously bad at putting coats on. I know, I know, what is wrong with me, right? What kind of idiot can’t put on a coat? Well … me. I cannot. And Jesus, it gets like 20 times worse when I’m drunk. 

It was all so much easier when I was little and my mom would hold my coat open for me, and I could just slip my arms in. “One arm at a time, honey.” 

Now when I’m moving a million miles a minute, my arm gets stuck in the lining or I realize one arm is inside out half way through putting my coat on, leading me to curse like a sailor and struggle like a dim wit T-rex caught in a net. What can I say, I’m the least sexiest human being whilst putting on a coat.

But turns out, arm holes are for suckers. Yeah. You heard it here first. You’re a complete square if you wear your coats like this … 

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It’s all about the chic drape over your shoulders, kids. How glamorous, right? Just like when you’re chilly and your man friend gives you his tuxedo jacket to drape over your shoulders (that’s a thing, right?) … well, now that’s how all jackets should be worn. Why? Because cool people said so. 

That fashion editor waiting for a cab, making imaginary phone calls. Kim Kardashian and all Kim Kardashian-like folk. Literally EVERYONE who is ANYONE is all about the drape (yes, that was double dipped in sarcasm). Why people are taking such a chic stand about not using armholes, well, I have no clue. Maybe they resemble a dim witted T-Rex, too, whilst putting on coats and said down with them … who knows.

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Now … like I said before, I move at a million miles per minute. Even when I try to take it down a notch, I’m hauling ass somewhere. So tell me, “cool people,” how does one keep a chicly draped coat over their shoulders whilst hauling ass on an average day? Hmm? The answer is they don’t.

::::Strutting, strutting, strutting … coat falls to the ground::: FUCK! :::picks coat up, drapes back over shoulders … struts, struts, struts … coat falls yet again and girl sets fire to coat, keeps strutting:::: 

And when the coat is chicly draped, how do you do anything? You literally would have to retrieve your cocktail from the bar with T-Rex arms. I mean, completely and utterly hilarious, but annoying as balls. All you can really do is just stand there and look super pissed off and important. Gross.

I get it, it’s romantic, it’s chic, it’s very “worldly” and can give you this imaginary power of feeling special. Drape a coat over your shoulders, throw on some red lipstick, dark shades, and you’re suddenly a big deal (see look, I did it in the above pic … don’t I look like an ass?). That man across the street really isn’t peeing on a building, he’s a secret paparazzi snapping pics of you. Riiiigggghhht.

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But for the girl on-the-go who doesn’t have a driver, or an assistant, or anyone to help her with anything and takes two trains to get to work (yep, I’m talking about myself … halla) … yeah no. I don’t have time to casually frolic or waltz down the street. I’m too busy plowing through slow walkers and giving dirty looks to morons who tell me to smile. And dammit when I want to reach for my cocktail, my coat will have to enjoy being on the ground, because ain’t nobody got time for T-rex arms.  

So unfortunately I will have to only do the drape in the privacy of my bedroom where I like to pretend I’m Kate Moss (wait … no I don’t … STOP LOOKING AT ME!), or when I get a boyfriend to drape his tux coat over my chilly shoulders. But until then I will continue to resemble a dim witted T-Rex whenever I put on a coat. Come and get it, boys.

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The Makings Of A Timeless Coat

mcx-90-fashion-carrie-bradshaw-sex-in-city-lgnIt’s the first day of fall … hooray! Let’s all go apple picking and dip our entire bodies in pumpkin spice everything!

No. Just. No. Those articles detailing the things “white girls love about fall” make me want to punch pumpkins in their tiny carved faces.

But right now, I want to talk coats. Because this delicious chill in the air that made me sleep like a fricken baby last night is making me want to whip out all of my coats, throw them on the ground, and roll on top of them out of sheer joy and excitement (yes, I’m that much of a freak).

My favorite coat I own is legit seven years old. SEVEN. I got it when I was a sophomore in college at Burlington Coat Factory for a little over $200 for things like interviews and internships … and maybe the potential frat “mixer” that I never got invited to (whomp whomp). The only other coat I owned when I was in college was the North Face Denali. Oh come now, you know you had one, too. I had the black one … and yes, I rocked it with Ugg Boots. You can say I was the epitome of “cool” in the mid-00’s (by the way that is SO bazaar to say).

So why have I had this coat for seven years, and why will I still be wearing it this season? Because it is a little thing called timeless, my friends. It’s long, black, military-esque. Great hardware, great pockets. The lining is completely shot to shit and ripped to shreds, but honestly, who looks at the lining of a coat? Someone could have worn it 50 years ago and not looked out of place, and someone could have worn in 20 years ago and not looked out of place.

There are a few coats every woman should own that will remain in your closet, and your lives, forever. These coats are something you should spend money on, because hopefully seven years from now, you will still be rocking them.

1. Long, black, military wool coat

2. Trench

3. Faux-fur (you’re welcome PETA)

4. Faux leather (again, PETA, got your back)

5. One trendy coat (that you don’t spend as much money on and indulge in ONE a season)

The other coats out there … meh. I mean indulge if you must, but the five above are your simple building blocks to a get coat collection. Trust. You just need to look for the “timeless” signs. Ask yourself the following questions.

1. Would my great grandmother worn this coat back in the day?

2. Would my mother have worn this coat back in the day?

3. How will this coat age (think of fabric, hardware … take a close look at it)?

4. Do I have the means to care for it properly (dry cleaning, storage, etc.)?

5. Will my future self look back at this coat and cringe at its trendiness? Will your grand kids laugh at it?

Coats are the things that make the outfit statement in the winter when you are getting from A to B. Nobody will give a shit if you’re rocking all couture with some trendy monstrosity covering it. Invest wisely.