Is Your Dress TOO Short?!

Are you consistently wondering if your outfit is “work appropriate?”

SKIRT EXTENDER! [Insert theme music and maybe a star swipe for funsies]

Sorry, it is just in my nature to write an infomercial script when I come up with outlandish … but fantastic … ideas such as this one.

So I’ve discussed how for a woman like myself who is 5’9 … it is close to impossible to find a dress that will cover your ass cheeks at Forever 21. And if you did happen to find one, give it three to four washes before that thing is at mid-ass length. Trust. I actually found one, a fantastic one as a matter of fact at Forev Twent. It was like striking GOLD. But after a wash, even though I didn’t put it in the dryer… the length was starting to get a bit questionable.

Listen, you can try to justify it all the damn day long. You do the grade school arm trick and if your finger tips touch the end of your skirt you are good to go. Really? First of all I have long arms and long fingers … does that mean I’m supposed to dress like a nun? I think not. And you can shimmy and fidget throughout the day trying to make it longer than it is, but quite honestly it is exhausting and very unbecoming to have to do that every time you get up or walk anywhere. And then you think to yourself, I don’t have to bend over today … right? But you’ll forget that your skirt is borderline hooker-esque and bend over, making you then the mayor of Hookerville.

So this is when I invited “Skirt Extender.” It is not patented, you can’t run to CVS or Walgreens to buy it … and it is not $19.99. This is something you can DIY the shit out of. Take that $19.99 and buy yourself two cocktails and instead look in your closet and find any short, somewhat tight, skirts that you wouldn’t mind slipping underneath a dress and have the hemline hang out. Pair it with your shorty mcshort-short dress and all of a sudden, your dress has been extended and you no longer will be considered the mayor of Hookerville! Ta-da!

I use this black banded skirt. It isn’t like Leger banded, much looser if anything. But it comes to about two inches above my knee and is how I invented Skirt Extender. I was desperate to wear my questionable Forev Twent dress … and instead of tossing it, I decided to dig into my innovation. Not only that, but the Skirt Extender acts as “Spanx” too, add some layers over any unsightly bumps and what-have-yous.

The genius behind it all is that you can’t tell you are wearing a skirt underneath your dress at all … if you do it properly. It just looks like a solid band of color at the bottom of your dress, not matter if it is patterned or not. A friend of mine actually took the Skirt Extender to the next level by pairing a navy dress and putting a flowy, pleated white mini skirt underneath it. I gotta say, this was Skirt Extender 2.0. Feel free to mix textures, colors … play with it. The key is to not have people know you are actually wearing a dress AND a skirt.

I bet you are thinking, “has she heard of this crazy thing called a slip?” Yeah … shut it. Slips are fab and quite frankly in this day and age, used if you are wearing something sheer and don’t want to show the world your jiggly bits, if you ask me. And it is an age-old “no-no” to have your slip showing. FOR SHAME.

So adopt Skirt Extender so you can indulge in all of those inappropriately short, yet fantastic dresses at F21! Haha short people … we win this one!

Do You Like To … Do It … Yourself?

If you get that movie reference … bonus points for you my dear reader!

Anyways, I was going to write this post about how I’m starting to loathe this “DIY” nonsense. After a long week of work and errands and more work and daily life maintenance and working out and being healthy and drinking and keeping a social life and not neglecting my family … I really just want to say “DIFM … B,” do it for me … bitch. In essence, “DIY” is a great way to get in touch with your creative side, that is, if you have the time … which I realize most of us don’t.

Especially with my recent Pinterest addiction (I swear I’m going to put myself in rehab sooner than later), looking through the “DIY” category of pins really makes me feel like a damn slacker. Like look at all of these fabulous crafty people making knit hats, flower arrangements, bracelets, wreaths, quilts and beyond. I assume some of these people have a full-time job and a full-time life, so where do they get the time to A. brainstorm these fantastic ideas and B. actually take the time to construct them. There are actual women out there who come home from work and say, “hmm … I could use a new bangle bracelet … TO THE CRAFT ROOM!” I’m more of the, “Yeah, I’ll drive an extra 10 minutes to search the mall to find what I’m looking for.”

There have been so many times I’ve envisioned the absolute PERFECT outfit and wished so desperately that I could just make it myself, yet lacked the proper skills slash materials, leaving me to just lust after my daydreams. I mean we all have to give in and “DIY” at some point because beauty maintenance for women can get EXPENSIVE. So I always give myself a manicure and pedicure instead of getting someone to do it for me. I pluck my own eyebrows for the most part, and I let the sun tan me when I can … a.k.a. I don’t step foot in a tanning salon … ever.

I was considering making this my “DIY” weekend since I wanted to save money and really want to indulge in this trend. So my hair is in dire need of being dyed, yet I really don’t want to go to my salon and pay $60 plus tip to get it done, so I’m considering using good ol’ box dye. But using box dye always makes me a little worried since I don’t want to look like Alvira after. So currently that decision is TBD. Also, I found a fabulous iPhone cover on Etsy that was just black with silver studs on the back … for $40. A little too much for a silly phone cover. So a friend of mine made a valid point that I could TOTALLY make that myself … which I could. Do I want to? No. Would the back of my phone probably end up a super glued hot mess? Totally.

You know what would be really so much easier? For me to spend the $60 to get my hair dyed and relax as my genius hair colorist works her magic, instead of me running around, mixing color and developer and getting hair dye all over my body praying three boxes is enough (since my hair is so thick). Also, it would be so much easier to buy the silly $40 iPhone cover instead of me going to a craft store, buying these studs, trying to construct them in a geometric pattern while super gluing my fingers together. But then I’m out $100 … but my sanity IS still in tact.

Look, I think “DIY” is great, for the right person, but honestly it is beyond annoying that they are pushing it for weddings, large events, things that you normally don’t or shouldn’t “DIY.” Weddings, for example, “DIY” is great for decorations, invitations, even flowers. But hair, makeup, dress, dress accessories? Really? Get of town … no seriously. What bride in the name of everything holy would EVER have the sanity to “DIY” her own makeup? Or put on her own fake eye lashes? Or create her own messy bun. This is the day that you “DIFM … B.” I’m no prima donna, but when I get married, I want a TEAM of people around me at all times … like I don’t even want to pick up a spoon and feed myself that day. Wanna know why? Because I’m going to be going out of my MIND with nerves. Sorry “DIY,” there is NO space for you when it comes to glamour on a wedding day. That is the day you shell out those dolla bills, yo so you don’t kill someone.

So will I have a “DIY” weekend? I’ll probably get down with dying my hair via boxed color. Although I think I’ve found the trick to “DIY” for the girl lacking patience and time … wine, lots and lots of wine.