Do Blondes Have More Fun?

June 29, 2015.Reading time 5 minutes.

I believe it is a bad thing when you look at your senior portrait from high school, 10 years later, and your hair looks exactly the same. Same color. Same cut. It’s like no time has passed (especially if you graduated high school in the 80’s … get that shit fixed, there is no excuse).

I’ve been yawning at my hair for a while now. It isn’t the cut, as I adore my stylist (hi Jenna!) She literally is the only human being capable of working a pair of scissors that I let do whatever she wants to me … and it is ALWAYS pure genius.

The color is what really has been boring me to pieces. I’ve been dark brown for a good amount of years now. I’ve had a few highlights added in here and there. I almost went black for a period of time (but since my wardrobe keeps getting less and less colorful I really had to pull back on that). I had that heinous red period that my friends and family now tell me, billions of years later, was a heinous mistake (thanks for the honesty, guys). And I was like a purple-ish red in college due to lack of funds and my obsession with the Feria box hair dye “chocolate cherry” (my 21st birthday pictures are a sheer disaster).

And now I’m wondering … do blondes have more fun? I’m not saying I want to go Paris Hilton platinum blonde … nothing like that as I know first hand how fucking horrific it is to get your hair bleached. And even now, as an “adult” I don’t have the funds to keep up with that maintenance.

Really my spirit animal throughout my blonde thought process has been Rachel McAdams’ hair in the new True Detective. For the past three years, I have been sitting by my window, creepily starring at ombre hair singing softly to myself, “hello … is it me you’re looking for?! I can see it in your eyes. I can see it in your smile. You’re all I ever wanted. And my arms are open wide. ‘Cause you know just what to say. And you know just what to do. And I want to tell you so much. I love you.” (I’m well aware that I’m a freak)

It comes down to the fact that I don’t have the balls. Ombre hair mine as well be the hottest guy in school you never make eye contact with because you know your face will turn bright red and explode out of too many emotions swirling together. You want ombre. You’ve basically planned your wedding with ombre. But when push comes to shove and ombre comes over to ask you what time it is … you freeze up and pee yourself a little.

Oh hair dye, why can’t you be easier to play with? Why can’t you be more like nail polish. If you hate the color, a little nail polish remover fixes everything. Whereas if you get your hair dyed something outside of your comfort zone (ombre), and it looks like shit you: A. have to spend a ton of money getting it fixed on top of the money you already spent. B. Risk insulting the hair stylist who just dyed your hair. and C. Damage the HELL out of your hair. Is it worth it?

My fear is that another 10 years will pass, and the younger generation will look at me and be all, “wow she is so stuck in 2005.” I mean that statement alone makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and cry a little. I guess until I get my balls together, I will just continue staring out my window at ombre hair color, singing sad songs to myself.

Sigh. Also, DAMN YOU, KARDASHIANS will your endless amounts of money and “glam squads” who can change up their hair every damn day. Damn you. Dammit! Damn. Damn. Damn.

What A Bleach!

March 6, 2015.Reading time 4 minutes.

Oh em gee, you guys, Kim Kardashian’s hair is platinum blonde. What in the living EFF?!

Okay, clearly, just kidding. Remember? We shant speak like that moving forward. But in all seriousness, her hair went from midnight to platinum blonde overnight. And according to her Instagram (not that I follow her or stalk her or anything :::shifty eyes:::) it only took one dye job to do so. And to that, I gotta say, OUCH.

I started dying my hair when I was 18, like an idiot. No matter how many adults told me, “once you start you really can’t stop,” much like Pringles … I didn’t believe them slash didn’t care. Because just like when eating Pringles … I could stop, okay?! I wanted JUST a tint of red to my brunette locks. Just a tint. Not a big deal. Hmph … famous last words.

A day after I turned 18, and the same day my friends were throwing me a surprise party, I went to get my hair dyed for the first time. My stylist put the dye onto my hair, and immediately, it felt like my scalp was on fire (Again … I just wanted a HINT of red). The pain was excruciating, and the worst part was, I couldn’t do anything about it. I tried to itch the side of my head casually to give myself some relief, but it just caused my finger nails to turn a weird color. The pain was so bad I almost began to panic.

Since I was a hair dying neophyte, I assumed this is what happens when you put chemicals on your head … severe, tears in the eyes, pain. Little did I know one thing and one thing only causes this sensation to happen: bleach.

Bleach hurts like a mother fucker. All I wanted to do was run my head under cool water while someone massaged my scalp to relieve me of the hell my scalp was enduring. If I was smart and knew what was happening, perhaps I would have been like, “ummm dude, why the hell did you put bleach on my head when all I WANTED WAS A GOD DAMN TINT OF RED! NOW I LOOK LIKE THIS!”

Hey, you live and you learn. But everyone knows becoming a blonde is a very long and painful process, especially if you have dark hair. It takes steps. And unless you want to have straw for hair, a platinum blonde look cannot be accomplished in one sitting. Right? I mean that is what stylists have told me for years … not that I want to be blonde or anything (or do I!?)

So for Kim Kardashian to go from long brown hair to a short, platinum do, I mean … I assume it looked a lot like this:

I’ll give it to her, though. She is the definition of embracing pain for the sake of being beautiful and making a statement. And that is what fashion is all about, right? I’ve been staring at myself in the mirror for over a week now, yawning at my hair. I’m not saying I’m going to turn into a platinum blonde goddess overnight (because A. I don’t want to do that B. I don’t employ the same mystical glam squad Kim K does). But it does make me think about broadening my horizons when it comes to my hair.

So hats off to her for this edgy new look. Because I’ve decided having the same hair color and cut that you have in your high school graduation picture is not a good thing (yeah … I’m referring to myself).

ROYGBIV Hair … The Thing Of Dreams

June 5, 2014.Reading time 5 minutes.

90b1e849732666de8a4217e475634e34 — Photo credit: http://callinamarie.buzznet.com/photos/32rainbowhairstyles/?id=68523464

Sometimes I envy Kylie Jenner. And no, I SWEAR I have not gone mad.

The girl can literally wake up in the morning and say, “hey … I want blue hair!” Makes a quick phone call to her “glam squad” and with hours it is done and she is posting selfies of her new blue do on the Instagram looking all pensive and shit. There was no contemplation. There was no thinking about the consequences. There was no asking her friends what they thought. There was no thinking family members would disown her. She just did … because she can. Because if it ended up looking a hot mess, she has the power (and funds) to get it dyed back to normal the next day. Or if she gets bored with it she, again, has the power (and funds) to do the next hair big hair trend she is craving at that very second.

If I lived a “Kyle Jenner-esque” life, my hair would be a different color every week. And it wouldn’t be damaged because my “glam squad” would insure that it would stay healthy throughout the dying process. But, alas, Kris Jenner is not my mother (thank sweet Jesus). I don’t get paid thousands just to show my face at events, and brands aren’t begging my sister and I to throw our names across product lines for hipsters. I’m … ::: le sigh::: normal. To be a Kardashian or to be normal, that is the question.

Unfortunately I function in the “real world” where I have to ask myself questions before I do something drastic like dye my hair blue. Will I get fired? How will my family and friends react? Will people on the street look at me like I have 12 heads? Will I get fired? I know half of these concerns are just me being overly aware of what people think of me, and that is a personal battle (working on it every day), but I, unfortunately, whether it is just in my head or a real fear, cannot just wake up and dye my hair a random color. And quite frankly … it’s a bummer. Because like I said, my hair would be a different color every week.

Vidal Sassoon just came out with box dye for bright red, purple, or blue colors. I thought to myself, “finally … out-of-the-box hair colors are going mainstream … this is my chance!” Perhaps I could do the blue, and the blue would look more black then blue and wouldn’t be THAT shocking. Right? Buuuuuut after the DIY ombre disaster of 2013, I refuse to ever dye my hair something crazytown myself. Lesson. Learned. The hard way, of course.

To the ladies strutting down the street with ROYGBIV hair colors, I envy you and applaud you. I adore it, actually. No I refuse to not roll my eyes and say “bitch please” under my breath when you pass me out of sheer jealously … even though I kind of want to, but it would only be out of jealously, I swear. ROYGBIV hair for me is a bucket list item for sure, probably above bungie jumping (which would involve me overcoming my fear of heights … which is a WHOLE different story).