I Got 99 Problems, But A Witch Ain’t One

Happy Halloween!

‘Tis truly one of my favorite holidays … and not just because you get to transform yourself into anyone or anything you have ever wanted to be. Mostly it is because of the copious amounts of chocolate and candy you can consume and not be judged for it.

I have so many fantastic memories from Halloween’s past. Like when I got to wear red high heels to school when I was in third grade (note they had like an inch block heel) when I came dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz (what can I say, I had growth spurts early on and could rock a woman’s size 7 heel). Or when my roommate in college and I dressed up as Sonny and Cher and I got to whip my long black wig around all evening, hoooooooo :::hair flip, tongue to top lip:::. Or even this past weekend when I dressed up as the twins from The Shining with one of my dear friends and got to scare the shit out of people all evening. I mean … Halloween is the best.

But here, right now, I want to pay homage to some of the baddest ladies that make Halloween, Halloween. The ones who made us dream of being able to point our fingers and make Prince Charming appear, or wiggle our noses and have an ice cream sundae pop out of thin air when our sweet teeth were calling.

So Happiest of Halloweens to all of my fantastic readers. And enjoy my mini photo montage below of some of my favorite witches from TV, movies, music (not saying Stevie Nicks is a witch … buuuut …) and even literature (clearly because I’m a word nerd).

Be safe, eat a ridiculous amount of candy and chocolate, and drink any and all spooky cocktails responsibly.

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Retire Your “Sexy” Cat Ears …

grady… because scary is the new sexy this Halloween.

We’ve all done it, ESPECIALLY if you are a college graduate. You say you won’t wear lingerie, throw on a pair of animal ears and call yourself a “mouse … duh” (it just wouldn’t be Halloween without quoting Mean Girls), but you will and you do … because every girl you know is, and dressing like an ironic tree just doesn’t seem like it would make you the coolest chick at the party anymore.

I was torn this Halloween. Do I go funny … or do I go scary, something I hadn’t done since I dressed like a witch in third grade. Most of the time I go funny … or as a pop culture reference. But this year … I was jonsin’ to scare the shit out of people. Don’t know why … just was. And what is scarier than the twins from The Shining, am I right?

And after attending a party this past weekend where I spent the night freaking people out, including me when I looked in the mirror … I realized that dressing scary is a thousand times better than dressing like a cat whore. I imagine the two guys reading this want to throw sharp objects at me for making a statement like that … but wait, I have my reasoning:

1. The Hotter The Mess The Better: Making yourself look dead is a breath of fresh air from the every day trial and tribulation of trying to make yourself look like a stud. I received more joy out of applying thick amounts of black eyeliner and smearing it down my face then if I was actually trying to perfect the cat eye look. I rubbed eye shadow on my lips to accent my paleness … I did things outside of my makeup comfort zone (since, I try my hardest to, you know, look alive on a daily basis). AND, not to mention, no one could tell if I was drunk or not. In fact at one time I looked at myself in the mirror mortified over how drunk I looked, but realized it was just my awesome death makeup. My biggest concern of the night wasn’t that my whore red lipstick had come off, but that I didn’t look scary enough. When, my friends, will you EVER get this opportunity?! It’s brilliant.

2. Get Comfy: Sure, wearing corsets, fish nets and stilettos seems like a fun idea, in essence, but it sucks. Badly. It literally encompasses everything about Life Sucking In A Strapless Bra. You’re cold, you’re in pain, your God damn fish nets are falling down, you look drunker than you are because you can’t walk in your stilettos, and every 10 seconds you have to keep checking to make sure your giggly bits haven’t popped out of their home for the evening. Awful. Hence why rocking a nightgown from the granny section of Walmart … yep WALMART … and flats was pure genius. I was warm, I kept my figure by belting it with ribbon, AND … my favorite part, I had pockets. POCKETS! I didn’t have to shove my phone in my cleavage, for once.

3. That’s a Scary Mask, Bro: I got to scare the shit out of people for funsies. I mean, this one speaks for itself. If there was someone chatting with me that I didn’t want to entertain anymore, I would just turn on the Shining charm, angle my face down and look seriously frightening. Memo was received after that one.

4. No Competition: Girls spend more time than you think trying to make themselves look like an amazingly, beautiful version of themselves in pop star/whorish cat form.  And when a hotter version of your costume would waltz in to the party, it would crush your evening and make you want to lose your voice talking shit. But when you are dressed as a zombie twin … it doesn’t matter. Oh hey, 14 versions of Lady Gaga … what’s good? I’m going to go twerk in my granny gown from Walmart. Byeeeee.

So there you have it, ladies. Don’t be afraid to get a little scary … it rules, mostly because of the comfort level. I don’t want to act like an ACTUAL granny here, but if you think guys will want to talk to you more just because you threw on some fish nets, short shorts and called yourself some sort of woodland creature … well, for shame. Have fun … that’s what Halloween is all about. I had fun scaring people … and if being a whorish squirrel will make your evening come alive … then so be it … who the hell am I to judge!

Happy Halloween, kids!