Daft Punk Chic

Vanessa Stiviano comes back from court and shopping at Fresh and Easy
Photo credit: http://globalgrind.com/2014/04/29/every-sponsor-drops-clippers-nba-authenticates-donald-sterling-racist-recordings-v-stiviano-photos-updates/playlist/v-stiviano-makes-a-run-in-her-mysterious-head-gear/item/3961340/

Only one good thing came out of this Donald Sterling NBA nightmare, besides his racist ass getting kicked to the curb, and that is the Korean sun visor that his side piece wore to hide from the paparazzi.

Some may call it over-the-top, outlandish, idiotic. Me? Well, I call it sheer genius (and in no way shape or form does my love for this visor reflect my feelings for Donald Sterlings side piece).

There are just some days you don’t want to be seen. Nothing is worse when you are having a bad hair day or feel like something is in your teeth and run into your ex-boyfriend on the street, forced to make awkward small talk, trying not to fixate on the fact that a piece of broccoli is straight chillin’ in between your pearly whites. If you were wearing one of these lovely visors, none of that would happen. Your ex would be contemplating, “is that her, is it not? She would never wear a visor like that. But maybe in could be her. How embarrassing if it isn’t and I tap her on the shoulder. Wonder if a freak is hiding under there?” And by the time he’s done contemplating, you will have strutted past his ass.


It’s rather flawless, if you ask me. And for all those famous people out there complaining about the paparazzi following them, laughing at how stupid Donald Sterlings side piece looked in this Korean sun visor, maybe re-think your judgement. Not only will you not be in the, “stars without makeup,” section of Us Weekly, but you will take back just a small slice of your privacy. You’re welcome. I swear I won’t call you a hypocrite if I see you rocking one of these.

So I’ve drafted a list of when it would be appropriate to rock one of these visors. I hope this helps every single one of you on your path to hiding from the public, ahem

1. You just hate people in general and don’t want to be seen
2. Hungover running errands
3. Hungover and just trying to exist
4. Doing the walk of shame
5. Days you don’t want to wear makeup
6. When you have the Black Death and need to make your way to the doctor without scaring small children
7. You’re in a Daft Punk tribute band
8. When you are playing hooky from work or school and don’t want any evidence that you’re day drinking
9. When it’s extremely humid out and experiencing a ridiculously bad hair day
10. After you got a chemical peel and don’t, again, want to scare small children

See? There are ENDLESS ways you could rock a visor like this. They’re futuristic, chic, and will help you defend yourself from awkward encounters with the American public.

With all of this being said, I want one strictly because of reason number 1 above.

Hats … So Hot Right Now … Hats

Straight up … I want to bring hats back. I’ve wanted to bring hats back for months … so now I will. Perhaps with the Kentucky Derby being on Saturday has kick-started my campaign for hats, but regardless … they need to make a massive, absurd comeback to the point where people have bumper stickers and pins that say “I Heart Hats.”

Let me be specific, I’m not talking about baseball hats. Ick. Not a fan personally. I’m not talking about those awful Kangol hats either, or beanies, or those trendy, hipster crocheted-like beret things girls were rocking like two years ago. (I would know … I totally had one.) I’m talking about proper hats from back in the day. When I look at pictures of old Hollywood with fierce women in great hats (like the picture here), I melt. THAT is a woman. THAT is what being a woman is all about, ladies. We have forgotten. It isn’t about wearing leather chaps and putting lobster claws over your nipples to see how much you can shock the American public. It is about the classic elegance that comes with being a lady. We forget because our society has … but that is why we are bringing hats back, RIGHT?!

Sure, some may say that Kate Middleton has been trying to bring them back since she became “Kate Middleton,” but I’m calling hogwash on that because A. She’s royal now and that’s how royals roll, B. She’s English … and that is how the English roll, C. … doesn’t she get spanked or something if she doesn’t wear a hat? I mean seriously … we barely brush our hair nowadays, let’s up the ante, ladies. And sure, Kim Kardashian has been known to rock a great hat, but I’m on to her. She is trying to make them trendy and then they will go to the land of faded trends. I’m trying to make them stick her, Kim K. Back up sister.

But there was a time when hats weren’t just trendy. They were a staple. You had your dress, you gloves, you hat, your heels, and I imagine a parasol or something dainty like that. Those were the days. Sure, it is nice to not have to dress to the 9’s every day of our existence, but honestly … I feel like people take advantage of it. There are no longer appropriate dress code lines. People wear sweatpants to the damn Capitol Grille. Really? Hi, if I’m eating a bazillion dollar piece of meat and washing it down with a bazillion dollar glass of wine, I don’t want to see the word “Champion” stitched on ANYTHING, okay? Get it together people.┬áBut I’m not on a mission to get the American public to stop dressing like slobs, I’m here strictly on a mission for hats.

The hats that I am thinking about have so much drama, so much interest and have the potential to be SUCH a fierce conversation starter. Wearing a statement hat makes you stand out of the crowd. All of a sudden you’re not just another brunette, you’re the brunette in the strikingly beautiful hat that everyone wants to talk to. And I’m all about making moments happen. I don’t know about you but when I make a fashion statement or have a fierce fashion moment, like walking into a room and having all eyes on you, I want to do a touchdown dance afterwards (not like that has happened to me … YET.)

I can’t help but reference Titanic here. I know, I know … YES I was one of those freaks that saw it 9 times, and YES I’m dying to see it in 3D but no one will go with me. But remember the first scene when we see Rose? All you see is this AMAZING hat, and then she turns around and BAM, we get the full gorgeous look. I mean seriously, THAT is the definition of a hat statement. One that should be emulated.

Perhaps it is just me being fascinated with etiquette, style, manners, accessories and history from back in the day. Perhaps because everything is so casual, blurred and laid back now. Men don’t open doors, or do the grand gestures like they once did. They hardly pick up the phone, and when a relationship is over, they just don’t text anymore. Hold on and let me swoon. It’s AW-FUL. But I have this hope that with hats will come the chivalry … well, I mean one could hope, right?

So since the Kentucky Derby is on Saturday … I found this to be a great open door for us all to start rocking some hats. I know it can be awkward at first because it really isn’t a common look in our society. But it is time to break barriers, reset the tone of a chaotic, loud, busy, outrageous society … and bring it down to simpler times. And I personally REALLY love the idea of tipping the brim of my hat to greet people. The concept is amazing. “Good day, sir.”

So go buy the hat you’ve picked up a million times in your favorite store, loved so much that you could kiss it, but never purchased because you say to yourself, “honestly, where would I ever wear that?” Go. Buy. It. Now. And feel free to post pictures and tell me how it goes!

Here’s to bringing back the glamour!