Right now … it is ALL about the “right” gifts and the “perfect” presents and the gifts under $30 and the gifts that are “must-haves”.

What I want to know is why more people don’t raise their hand and talk about the shit they don’t want. Is it rude? Yes. But are manners worth letting someone close to you spend all this money on something you have to end up pulling muscles in your face trying to fake excitement over? You know what I’m talking about … we’ve all done it, ahem: “OOOOOOOMG! STOP! HOW DID YOU KNOW?!?! I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE IT :::smiling, smiling, smiling … trying to find a way to show every single one of your teeth until your cheeks hurt so badly they want to go run behind your ears:::

Call me rude, but I came up with a small list of stuff I personally … nor am I assuming anyone in a sane state of mind … would want, ever. And no … this blog post is not dedicated to clueless men out there. This is for errbody, so take notes people.

1. Anything from Zales/Kay Jewelers/Jared: I’m not a snob, I swear … but for some reason, I feel like these jewelry stores are such a cliché for men. “Oh hey, men … you’re clueless right? Don’t know what to get the lil lady? Come get her something shiny and she’ll be eating out of the palm of your hand.” Yeah. It just feels thoughtless to me. And their advertisements make me want to Veruca Salt-style freak out, so yeah … gift will get punted.

2. Clothing: I’m doing you all a favor here. It is a sweet thought and always appreciated, I mean when could you not use clothes. But to avoid the whole awkward “size issue,” stay away from clothing and go the gift card route. You’ll thank me when you don’t have to stand in front of a loved one saying, “I only got you an extra large because everything looked super small, and they said it would shrink and I just wanted you to be … you know … comfy. I swear. It means nothing. I don’t think you’re fat. Not that I ever thought you were fat. Shit. Give me it, I’ll just take it back.”

3. Something that looks like it is for me, but really it is for you: We’ve all done it, but at the end of the day … it sucks. New perfume because you hate the way the person smells, sexy unmentionables to meet some fantasy of yours, a trip you’ve always wanted to take to a place the other person hasn’t even heard of. Nice try. I’m on to you, fools.

4. Anything a house wife from 1950 wanted: Vacuums, blenders, toasters, microwaves, TVs, hair dryers, hmmm what else, oh yes, lawn mowers, pots and pans … okay get the eff out of here. These are necessities, not gifts. The day I get excited over a God damn vacuum will be the day I marry Justin Timberlake and then force him to get N’Sync back together. Seriously I won’t even give you my best fake-excited face. I may try to smack you with said appliance though, so hope your reflexes are up to par.

5. Stuffed animals: Just die. I’m not even going to give this any sort of explanation. Just … arg. Don’t.

6. Shit for my car: I know my brakes are squeaky, and I realize I haven’t gotten a car wash in like three years, and yes my “I need my oil changed” light has been on for six months … so freaking WHAT?! My car. My prob, Bob. Therefore, not present worthy. A tire rotation won’t rev my engine, if you know what I’m sayin’. The present should tune ME up … not my car, dammit.

7. Fire arms: I know, crazytown. All I’m saying is I will cry and run away. And I don’t run for anything … unless there is a spider. Guns and spiders. Straight up … there will be a dust imprint of my body left before you can say, “Oh come on … it’s not THAT bad.” Talk to the dust imprint of my body, bud.

8. Anything that swims or needs water to live: I will unintentionally murder it.

9. Spa Kits: Again, your head is in the right place. I’m always in high-speed mode, probably need some R&R. I won’t lie, I get pumped when I see a spa kit. They always look so pretty and cool. Pumice stones, special hand cream and gloves to wear, foot cream … how luxurious?! When it comes down to it though, the thought of rubbing my own feet, is exhausting and will probably never happen. So unless that spa kit comes with a man that pops out of it to rub my feet who happens to look like Justin Timberlake … then this is a no go, my friend.

1o. A Furby: Nothing is more terrifying … than a Furby. I would rather sleep with a bunch of clowns watching me than have to stare at those creepy bastards. And WHY the HELL have they made a comeback? I thought we were done with the Furby conversation, people? I have a theory that it’s the governments way of watching us. Mmm hmm, big brother up in this bitch. No thanks. I will find a way to smash it.