A Day In Cat Pajamas

photoThe holidays are semi-over, and if you’re anything like me, you’re bloated, tired, and your liver desperately wants to vacate your body. No? Just me? Lame.

The holidays are a straight up whirlwind. Every year we expect something different and demand something a little more “laid back,” but we all find ourselves overdosing on family time, friend time, and vodka time, right? Again … just me? Really? COME ON, PEOPLE!

As a hibernating yogi (I pinky promise I’ll dive back into it in the new year … said everyone making empty NY resolutions), I believe in honoring your body. You can only take it so far before your body goes, “ya know what, bitch? No veggies, no sustenance, and no sleep means I’m letting down my defenses. Oh yeah, prepare for the worst sinus infection of your life! Suck on THAT!” And then all of a sudden you’re ringing in the new year with a fever and disgusting substances coming out of every orifice of your body. Woof.

So yesterday, I honored my body by not getting out of my pajamas. I know, I know, not THAT crazy. But I wasn’t hungover, I wasn’t dancing on tables until the sun rose the night before. Nope. I just woke up and decided, “yep, not taking my cat pajamas off today (see above, aren’t they fantastic?! Thanks, Santa!)

And you know what? Every single person needs to do this at least one a month, if not more. It’s liberating, in a bazaar way. Close your blinds, keep your pajamas on, start working in the ass grove on your couch, and just kind of disconnect. Relax. Find a good show to binge watch (for me it was Designing Women, I always wanted to be a Sugarbaker), and just give yourself a minute to not give a shit. It’s only healthy.

And by all means, do some tiny things around the house. For example, I took my trash out. And at the end of the day, who cares if your neighbors see you in your cat pajamas? I didn’t. I went outside in my cat pajamas, sans makeup and hair in a messy bun. I guess I just started to accept the fact that I’m not Kim Kardashian and hoards of paparazzi don’t follow me around, and a pic of me in my cat PJs won’t end up on TMZ. Sigh.

I challenge you before the year end (which, tick tock, people), to do this. Whether you’re on a little vaca from work, working from home, or just need a moment to let your body rest, which we ALL do, I’m pretty sure (psssstt you aren’t super human), hang out in your pajamas for a day. Just stop. Give yourself a break. You deserve it.

But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t shower. Nope. That’s gross. Take said pajamas off. Take shower. Put pajamas back on. Whether they are the old ones or a new pair is your call, bud.

Honor thyselves, readers, honor thyselves!

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Over It: The Holiday Shopping Edition

dbf693e18b12758544247ddddc7b7592Listen, I’m not trying to be Scrooge. I’m not trying be all “ba-humbug” and shit. But my Gawd, this holiday shopping season kicked my ass. Hard.

I think it was because last year we had an extra week to shop. Now I’m sitting here kicking myself for not shopping online earlier and wondering how much I would actually pay for overnight shipping (I realized my limit would be $30 in shipping costs, which my non-holiday shopper self would explode if I ever had to pay that much).

Because shoppers out there are cray-cray, you guys. And quite frankly I’m over battling the slow walkers, the men who are deer in headlights walking around aimlessly, scared and confused, the people who refuse to move, even if you are breathing down their necks, and my favorite and yours, the children who are left unattended to run around like sugar high freaks as their negligent parents score that one last sale, getting in your way, and on your nerves.

I miss the days of shopping just for the hell of it. Randomly stumbling upon an amazing sale with a rack full of clothes chock full of sizes. Sigh … wasn’t it grand? When the lines for the register were 2 deep instead of 20, and the woman in front of you didn’t turn around and say something nonsensical like, “ha lines … right?” in an effort to build holiday lineships (line friendships … we’ve all done it. You are so bored waiting in line you actually want to talk to strangers).

I realize tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and I realize this nightmare of over heating in stores and dealing with complete assholes is almost over, but I just needed the world to know, I’m throwing in the towel. As much as I would love nothing more than to get everyone I know and love everything their hearts desire, I just cannot. I can’t do it. I tried. I gave it my best shot. But alas, I did as much as I could do. And I hope you will join me. The way I see it, after going to a bazillion stores, if I haven’t found the right gift yet, it most likely ain’t happening.

So let’s do it, shall we? Let’s throw our credit cards to the wind (well, no not really … maybe let them nap in your wallet …cyber theft is a bitch), roast some chestnuts … get all festive and shit. You know?

Enough with the madness. ::::and scene::::

Public Service Announcement For Last Minute Shoppers

bargainOn my way home last night, as I had to stand during the entire train ride awkwardly in a hot crowded car full of annoyed people with overflowing shopping bags, then attempted to walk home and almost got hit by numerous cars rushing from point A to point B that had no regard for me as a pedestrian or my livelihood, I realized, holy shit, this is the last weekend of holiday shopping. And no wonder people are bonkers.

Yes, this weekend is the last opportunity to shop for Christmas without it being over your lunch break or after work. And yes, OMG, you waited until now to do all of your shopping, and all you want to do is mow down innocent bystanders to get your shopping done as quickly as possible. I get it. But stop. Seriously. Chill the fuck out.

Before pandemonium ensues on this last weekend of shopping, I want you all to take a minute and read the following before embarking on your journeys this weekend. Seriously.

1. Just because you waited until last minute to do all your shopping doesn’t mean you can act like an asshole. That’s on you, my friend. And you know what, there are probably a myriad of other last minute shoppers in the same boat, trying to cross off all their shit on Santa’s list. Instead of giving your fellow shopper the evil eye, or an elbow to the face … maybe smile. Give a sign that says, “hey friend, I feel your pain, and this really blows. But hey, let’s make the most of it, shall we!?”

2. Treat sales associates at stores like you would treat your Grandmother. Okay, for real. It isn’t their fault they are out of what you want. It isn’t their fault you waited until now to shop. It isn’t their fault the line is out the door. It isn’t their fault they don’t have clones of themselves to help every single person the minute they enter a store. Would you yell at your Grandmother for things she couldn’t control? Treat them with respect, for the love of God. The holiday season is BRUTAL for them. They deal with complete assholes lacking manners all day long. So maybe give them a break. Thank them. Be kind. It’s the holidays for crying out loud. (Ps. My mom happens to work at Nordstrom and if anyone makes her cry this weekend, it’s ON).

3. Be aware of people around you. Whether you are on foot or in a car, don’t mow people down. It’s kind of illegal, and by kind of, I mean it absolutely is. Don’t shove. Don’t bump into someone and not apologize. Don’t blow past a pedestrian crossing and leave those people out in the cold longer than they have to while you relax in your warm car. The same rules go during the last weekend of shopping as they did when the Titanic was sinking … WOMEN AND CHILDREN (and the elderly … I’m throwing that one in there) FIRST!

4. Manners, people, manners. We learned them in preschool. Please. Thank you. Etc. Remember? Opening doors for people. Letting people go ahead in front of you. Giving someone a parking spot. Tipping a little extra. Pardon me, and what not. Not screaming at people in public. Use. Your. Damn. Manners. And Christ, pay it forward. Why not? It is kind of a rush, I gotta say. Giving someone that parking spot, or letting them get in front of you in line is not only insanely kind, but a little something that could make someone’s day. Do it.

5. And finally, breathe. It’s the holidays. One of the most lovely times of the year. And not because of the presents, you greedy greedy people. The lights, the music, the decorations. Outside of the psychotic shoppers (which I hope won’t be you after everything I’ve outlined above), just enjoy it. It happens one time a year. Indulge. Smile. It’s okay. I won’t tell anyone. But dear God, enjoy yourselves. Last minute shopping shouldn’t be a scene out of Braveheart.

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Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra’s Favorite Things … 2014

CaptureThis time of year warms my black heart. The lights, the shiny things, the opportunity to brighten someone’s day by buying them something their heart desires. I mean, it truly is delicious.

Except when you can’t figure out what the hell to buy. When you hit that brick wall, all of a sudden your body fills with rage, anxiety, and panic … forcing you to enter Bath & Body Works in a desperate attempt to buy whatever kinds of Cucumber Melon scented shit you can find (and nobody REALLY likes anything from Bath & Body Works, right?) I know, I know, I’m such a BBW hater, I realize this.

So if you’ve hit said brick wall, I want you to brace yourself because something magical is about to happen. Oh yeah … wait … let me get my best Oprah voice on … ahem … it’s LIFE SUCKS IN A STRAPLESS BRA’S FAVORITE THINGS … 2014 STYLEY! Ahhhhh! Ensue pandemonium.

As much as I would love to virtually shove free shit at you in an Oprah-esque fashion, leading to your heads to pop off, I unfortunately cannot. BUT … I hope the list of some of my favorite things will inspire your gift buying experience. And like I said yesterday, it is a-okay to buy yourself something shiny, too.

So let’s do this thing, shall we?

1. Benefit Erase Paste: This shit will take you from tired, hungover, puffy-eyed mess to bright and alive human being. I consider this my magical elixir of life.

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2. Aritzia Parka: I don’t believe in having to sacrifice style for warmth. And that is why this parka is a dream. Fur hood, doesn’t make you look like a shapeless brick of down. And waterproof. You could totally rock this skiing or a night out with the ladies. Just don’t get drunk and forget it. This guy is kind of pricy.

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3. Muffler (No, not the car part): Old world style fascinates me. The idea of getting dolled up to go to the movies and/or the mall instead of wearing sweats that have PINK tattooed across the asses of women all over the world makes me really happy. And nothing is more stylish than a muffler. Nothing. Gloves be gone, time to get down with this guy.

img40j4. Glossier: I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, Emily Weiss is my spirit animal. And her products from the packaging to the rad stickers to the amazing effects they have on your skin is genius. Pure genius. Slow clap for this bitch.

8093-08F-GLS-SRG-ALLPRODUCTBAG_R_RR5. Chicago-Style Popcorn: Umm yeah, food can be fashionable, right? Especially when you combine something as random as caramel popcorn with cheddar popcorn to create this scrumtrilescent mixture of pure mouth pleasures. Oh yeah. Mouth pleasures, popcorn-styley. It may seem gross, but the cheese and sugary mixture is kind of perfect.

52762-chicago-style-popcorn-mix-di6. Cats: Wait, what? I know, I know, I’m a crazy cat lady. Blah, blah, blah, etc. But really this is just about loving animals, specifically cats, though. There are so many that need to be adopted (no, I’m not going to get all crazy eHarmony girl and start crying on you), but for the right person, a cat can be an amazing partner in crime … and an awesome thing to Instagram. I mean, welcome to my life. I’m a huge supporter of the AWA, where I adopted my cat, Ellsworth. Check them out and do the right thing. Or at least donate money, food, your time … something. (By the way, yes that is my lovely cat … but you can’t have her)

Capture557. NARS lipstick: I know this is so clique, but if you are feeling down and put on an amazing colored lipstick, you all of a sudden get this bad ass urge to take shit down. Seriously, I’ll throw on a lip color on a Sunday while I’m doing laundry just for funsies. Shanghai Express is my jam, but it is notoriously always sold out. A sales person at Nordstrom once told me to buy in bulk, no joke.

06078450100678. H&M Jewels: I’ve become a statement necklace whore, and the most compliments I receive are from my statement necklaces from H&M. And it shocks people when I tell them they are from H&M. Gotta say their jewelry game is on point this season, and price points aren’t ridiculous. You just gotta care for them. They are delicate little guys. Unfortunately their e-commerce store doesn’t have the same caliber of jewels as in-store, so bring it on down to your local H&M.

Capture99. The Perfect Blanket: Screw babies, every adult needs a blanket. There is nothing better in life than coming home after a day of life bitch slapping you and hiding underneath the comfort of your favorite blanket as you binge watch Netflix and chug wine.

img4c10. Blanket Scarves: And when it isn’t socially acceptable to walk around all day with your blanket on, enter blanket scarves stage right. I first knew I was obsessed with them when I saw a friend of mine wearing one and wanted to rip the thing off of her and run away. I love a scarf with options, you know? Blanket, scarf, invisibility cloak. You name it.

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Treating Yourself During The Holidays: It’s Okay

clueless-shoppingFinding the perfect gift for every single person you know can not only be exhausting, but brutally stressful. As adults, handing over thoughtless gift baskets from Bath and Body Works just doesn’t float the boat anymore, and if you still do that, well, for shame. Seriously … for shame.

But while scouring the ends of the Earth to find those perfect gifts, for me, I notoriously stumble across things for myself that I adore. On an average day whilst shopping, I can’t find shit. But when I’m NOT shopping for myself, it is like everything I’ve ever desired in my life is in front of me. When people ask me what I want for Christmas I’m always like, “meh … nothing.” But whilst shopping for others, I make a pretty amazing wishlist of things that I want to make out with.

The question is, do you treat yourself when you’re supposed to be shopping for others? Now, I’m a big supporter of the “treat yoself” movement. Every now and then, it is only healthy to buy yourself a present. But the holidays are supposed to be a selfless time. A time when you treat your loved ones with things THEY desire, and give back to those in need.

When it comes to my birthday, I always buy myself a gift. Always. I mean you are the only one who truly knows what you want, am I right? And you deserve a reward for making it through another year. So why should it be any different for the holidays? You’ve worked hard, you’ve been a good boy/girl this year, and even if you haven’t, Jesus Christ, you’ve worked hard (and if you haven’t … well … maybe sit this one out, bud). So I’ve decided it is a-okay to buy yourself a holiday gift. Because loving yourself is important. Even if that means buying an expensive handbag that makes you drool that you really can’t afford, but decided the joy it will bring you is way more important.

I’m not saying scoop up everything you adore when holiday shopping, even if it is tempting. For me it sometimes it completely impossible to focus. “Oooh that jacket is REALLY cute, do they have my size. WAIT … I’m not shopping for me, I’m not shopping for me. Why am I even in the women’s clothing section?! Where in Jesus Christ’s name is the robe department!?

So if you feel guilty, consider me the red sequin devil on your shoulder telling you it is 100% okay to buy yourself a little holiday somethin-somethin. I mean you’re shopping for all these people, dealing with crowds and annoying people spazzing out like they’ve never been to the holiday rodeo before. Do it. Pull the trigger and buy yourself something shiny. You deserve it. Because I said so.

Stores I Won’t Be Caught Dead In

200_sFor some reason, the whole gift buying process this year has just seemed so bland to me. It isn’t that I don’t know what to buy for people, oddly enough. It is that I know exactly what I need, it is just a matter of actually buying it, slash deciding if I should buy it in person or online. I know, I sound like a crazy person, right? There is just something so fun about spontaneously buying things for people that they aren’t expecting but you know they will love. This year, well, I need to dig and find that magic. I suppose

And as much as I love the people in my life that I need/want to buy gifts for, there are just certain stores where I refuse to go. Like refuse to even go to the website. I just remember making my mom go to horrific stores as a teenager and her coming back with comical stories of her voyage. Me, well, I suppose I’m just not that open-minded.

So enjoy as I share with you the list of stores you couldn’t get me to go to even if they were giving shit away (sorry, family members, in advance if you were jonsin’ for anything at any of these stores).

1. Victoria’s Secret: Yeah … their commercials freak me out. That British woman on the voice over being all, “buy one bra, get the second a quarter of a percent off and receive a FREE Victoria’s Secret sparkle tote bag.” I don’t know why, but anytime I see those free sparkle tote bags, it immediately makes me think of a stampede in the store of crazy bitches with PINK tattooed across their asses trying to get these elusive bags. You would think those damn sparkle tote bags are couture or something. I don’t see the allure, nor do I see the want to have the word “PINK” all over my giggly bits.

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2. Abercrombie & Fitch/Hollister: First of all, Abercrombie is the devil that only tends to stick figures. Second of all, remember above where I said I made my mom go to heinous stores for me as a teenager? Yeah, these two were some of them (sorry mom). Her stories consisted of complaining about how loud the music was and how incredibly dark the stores were. “Wait, are these jeans? WHAT?! Do you work here? HUH? Why can’t I see anything.” Also, the “Abercrombie store scent” which you can smell the minute you walk in the mall, makes me want to vom because it reminds me of all that is wrong with the college frat scene.

6a00e54f10a09888340162fbf8c139970d-pi3. Boscovs: Okay, why hasn’t anyone said, “hey I have a brilliant idea, let’s do a renovation and step out of 1982”? Seriously. The insane amounts of mirrors and lights make me a wee bit dizzy and slightly afraid. I’m sure there are fantastic sales there, but I just kind of feel like the store is a black hole and if you step into it, it is like an immediate time warp … and not the good kind.

boscov_jayKayEss4. Bath & Body Works: Need I say more? It’s like an instantaneous headache. Between the scents and the over enthusiastic employees … I just cannot stand it. “Do you like cucumber melon? Do you like cucumber melon soap? How about cucumber melon eye masks. Did you know we have a whole cucumber melon body suit so you never lose the scent?! CUCUMBER MELON … ahhhh :::brain explodes::::” Listen, I got down with Cucumber Melon about a million years ago when I wasn’t allowed to wear makeup and I considered Bath and Body Works the second best thing. This ship has sailed kids, along with the headache that goes with it.

m2tgzETqULPb6qkGPdmXD6g5. The Disney Store: This is a no brainer. I don’t know what freaks me out more, adults walking around the store secretly putting Cinderella-branded items on their Santa wish list, or kids screaming to their parents about how good they’ve been this year and why can’t they have said toy now, as Fantasia plays in the background. Yeah … no. Nothing good comes from Fantasia … NOTHING.

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So there ya have it. If I’ve broken any of your hearts, I apologize, but deep down you know I’m right. Take me to Auntie Anne’s and I’ll be your best friend for holiday shopping, but I will plant my feet firmly and refuse to enter any of the above stores kindly as I finish my cinnamon sugar pretzel.