An Open Letter About Slut Shaming

23-1422001202-kim-kardashian-selfish-book-coverI personally loathe the word “slut.” It should only be used when your cat is like laying on its back spread eagle like an idiot. Then you can be all, “look at that slut.” There ya go. But when it comes to women and the choices they make in life, meh … let’s refrain, shall we? 

So I get why Kim Kardashian got so infuriated when people started calling her out on social media about her nude selfie. She woke up one morning with “nothing to wear” and wanted to show the world her bod. Okay. That was her decision. Who am I to comment?

But Kim Kardashian is a brand. Like M&M or Budweiser. Her strategy is sex. She is dripping with it from her curve hugging outfits to her racy photoshoots. Sex to her is what the Clydesdales are to Budweiser and what “melt in your mouth, not in your hard” is to M&Ms. So we can’t shame her for having a consistent brand message, now can we? 

For example my brand message on Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra is NOT sex … in fact it is the total opposite. I talk about sweating through my bra for fucks sake (which PS totally happened to me today). So if I saw Kim’s nude selfie and said to myself, “hey, weird, I have nothing to wear EITHER.” Dropped trou, and posted a nude selfie, it would not only be offensive, but weird and awful, and I think I would make the entire Instagram platform melt. 

Everyone has a brand, whether they like to believe so or not. You’re promoting yourself to get into a good school, or just get your first part-time job or gain respect from people you admire. You’re making yourself look good so you can get that dream job or that promotion you’ve been after. Or just trying to reach goals you’ve set for yourself.

And the interwebs can fuck all of that up in a mili-second. Because most of us who aren’t Kim Kardashian don’t have a multi-bazillion dollar brand that is dripping in sex. And by most of us I mean probably none of you reading this. Hence why sending nude pics or posting nude selfies just isn’t cool. They will, I promise, come back to bite you in your bare ass.

Can you imagine sitting in front of Anna Wintour for a coveted editor position at Vogue and have her turn her iPhone around to you with a photo of you posing topless covering up your nips asking, “and what do you have to say about this?” MOR-TIF-YING. And so not worth it. You have a hot bod? Cool … go oogle yourself in the mirror. 

While I applaud Kim for having a consistent brand message and being proud of who she is and her sexuality (really I am), I think we all need to step back and reflect on what OUR brand message is. For me it’s straight snark and sarcasm. In no way, shape, or form will you EVER see any of my giggly bits on any social media channel, I can promise you that. But if you’re in high school, your brand is getting into a good school and getting your shit together. And there ain’t no room for nude selfies in that equation, my friends.

So unless Annie Leibovitz asked you to do a nude shoot for an art exhibit or Vanity Fair, I would say just don’t do it. Unless you are Kim Kardashian. Which you aren’t. So there is no need to emulate that shit. Because if you do, you need to be prepared for the repercussions. And unless you can handle being ruthlessly made fun of and called derogatory names, while having potentially great opportunities disappear then I say think before you post. HARD. 

And always remember, you are NOT Kim Kardashian. 

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Kardashian Konfessions

COS110115_174_175Every lady has a “Secret Single Behavior,” to quote Carrie Bradshaw. Some of us may read trash magazines. Others may soak in a bath and stalk people on social media. In a relationship or not, we all have our shit. 

Mine is … the Kardashians. And mind you I’m admitting this to you all with my head hanging down in shame. I wish I could be like, “my SSB is popping my zits in my bathroom while listening to hardcore rap,” but alas that is not the case. I’m just a girl, admitting to my readers that I’m a freak of nature who is obsessed with the Kardashians. 

I’ve pretty much seen every episode of their show … like 100 times. Because who can resist a good Kardashian’s marathon on E!? Even if I’m doing something else, it is just good background noise. Oh, and I also LOVE playing the game of figuring out what they have had done to themselves over the years. It’s torturously fun.

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I have like serious, in depth conversations with my best friend about the Kardashians (sorry Nicole, I’m totally blowing up your spot), like they are my nearest and dearest friends. The words, “Kourtney has really been an inspiration to me lately,” have really come out of my mouth. 

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By the way, please feel free to throw things are your screen.

I downloaded Kim’s app … on my birthday because I had been resisting for so long that I felt it wouldn’t be AS bad if I downloaded it on my birthday (does that even make sense? I’m going to say no). I gave that family $2.99 out of my pocket. Could I have do something more productive with the $2.99? Oh 100% … I’m no fool. But God dammit I was sick of her teasers on Instagram and needed more … I ALWAYS NEED MORE. 

Her app sucked, by the way. I only kept it for a month. The only good thing was that she showed you where to buy her looks for less. That was dope. (A word I pretty much picked up from Kylie Jenner. I’m 29 … I should not be saying the word “dope” for the love of fuck). 

When I’m on the train, about to go to bed, or just bored, I’m always on their Instagram accounts. Why? Because why not. It is like staring at a spinning disco ball. Shiny things.

I pretty much never wear color anymore, and that is partially due to Kim Kardashian (seriously, feel free to delete me from your life forever). But I will stand up proudly and say the girl has a sick sense of style. She looks constantly uncomfortable, but her outfits are on point. Hell, if I had every designer in Paris making me custom looks, so would I. 

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I totally live streamed Yeezy Season 3 on Tidal and screenshot-ed the shit out of it (see below). In the same breath I signed up for Tidal, even though I already subscribe to Apple Music, so I could listen to The Life of Pablo. Look, I realize Kanye is a crazy mother fucker, but my GOD the album is brilliant.

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What other horrifying nonsense can I share with you? 

Oh! I’ve played Kim’s game before, although I never shelled out money to play it. If you need to put your brain on a shelf and just drool a little bit, it’s magical. 

But here’s what I HAVEN’T done. I have never adopted the word “Bible” into my lexicon, so I’m not THAT much of an asshole, right? RIGHT?!

I hope you haven’t lost TOO much faith in me. But I understand regardless.

Respecting Thy Mother

kris_jenner_cryingI don’t have kids, and I probably won’t have kids for some time. But I do have a mother … one who I adore and respect unconditionally. So for the life of me, I could never, as a daughter, EVER, imagine sending her an email bashing her sense of style like Kim Kardashian did to Kris Jenner. I just can’t. The concept boggles my mind.

“I love you mom but no more pilgrim adams family outfits. You have exhausted this look done. Move on. We need chic, tight dresses, not this omish shit anymore.”

If I would Kris Jenner, fire balls would have exploded in my eyes as I was reading this, and I most likely would have punted the device I was reading this on (you know, because I’m Kris Jenner and can afford to buy a new one instantaneously).

And I get it, I get it, this is probably part of the master Kardashian PR plan to take over the world, I mean, hello, look at this shit, I’m even writing about it. But Jesus Christ, woman, I don’t care if you are doing this to get Instagram followers or hypnotize all of us to become you, respect your mother, dammit..

In the real, non-Kardashian ruled world, if I told my mom basically her sense of style was shit, I’m pretty sure she would go outside and cry, tell me everything was fine, and passive aggressively not talk to me for an extended period of time. Because that is how non-Kardashian people deal with shit. But at the end of the day, she would never change her style, because it’s all about what you like, right?

Wrong, sir, WRONG! Because when Kim Kardashian dictates something, it means you HAVE to do it. Kris Jenner, mother, momager, pilgrim, was seen this past weekend in a skin tight black dress, because Kim said so. Woof. Poor Kris Jenner, she would do anything for that 10%.

And seriously, Kim, your mother is not one of your accessories. Not everything in your life can be minimalistic. I know Kris Jenner is probably a huge pain in the ass who thinks she is way younger than she is, and wishes she could be you, but my God, leave her alone. She’s your mother. She birthed you. Literally, you came out of her vagina. If you come out of a person’s vagina, rule #1 is to respect said person no matter what.

If my mother wanted to dress like Bozo the Clown, I would let her rock the Bozo look (which would never happen because my mother’s sense of style is perfection to the point where I wish I could steal her clothes but she is WAY too tiny). But if she was wearing something questionable, I would probably tell her it was slightly off in a better way then via a grammatically incorrect email. And in a way that wouldn’t make her cry. Or in a way that wouldn’t make her need to share with the world via her Instagram that I have completely no respect for her.

Nothing is worse when you are out and about and see a bratty kid, tormenting their mother, begging for something, and the mother being all, “okay Timmy, here is your candy.” And the kid is basically all, “yeah bitch, that’s what’s up!” Instead of being like, “wow, Mommy, thank you so much for being the best Mom in the world.” Welp, Kim Kardashian has been reduced to that bratty kid in the mall we all want to kick. “Mom, why aren’t you wearing Balmain, why aren’t you more like me, why do you look like a pilgrim, WEH, WEH, and WEH.” Shut up, Kim. Seriously.