I’m starting to feel like I need to go to a therapist about all of my repressed childhood fashion choices that haunt me to this day. Khakis. I honestly don’t think I’ve owned a pair since I was in elementary school. Hey, it was the 90’s. And even then I was forced to wear them for “fancy” events like plays, family parties and other random events I was dragged to, because at this point in time I was repulsed by dresses and this was my mother’s second best option for me to look “dressed up.” Woof.
I blame the fact that Khakis have become a “classic wardrobe staple” on The Gap and their stupid hip commercials in the 90’s with all of the swing dancing and such. Remember those? If you are an embryo and can’t remember that far back, let me enlighten you … take a walk through the 90’s here.
Yeah. That happened. Thanks, Gap. I wish I was in the boardroom when the advertising big wig had this stroke of genius. “Khakis … AND … wait for it … SWING DANCING! EH?!”
So let me explain to you the reasons why the site of Khakis make me want to create a bonfire and throw them all in there. ahem …
1. They are stain magnets. It is like the universe turns them into a magnet for any type of colored liquid or food particle to drop on them. If you wear light-colored pants, like Khakis, you are most certainly asking to get a stain in a really awkward place and then have to walk around for the rest of the day with a sweatshirt wrapped around your waist … YOU know what I’m talking about. Also, remember as a kid how you were never allowed to play outside when you were wearing them due to parental fears of grass stains? “No sweetie, after Easter mass THEN you can go play outside. We don’t need Mr. Grass Stain to get you before then, do we now?” That SUCKED.
2. They never are the right color. Like ever. The really light ones are super ugly and weird. Like are they white? Beige? What the hell are you trying to be? And then the ones that are a little too dark are just as strange and remind me of a card board box. There is never the “right color khaki.” And if you know of one, don’t even bother telling me because I still will loathe them. Just call me the Goldie Locks of Khaki pants … they are never just right.
3. Uniforms. If you have ever worked in retail or at a convenience store, chances are you either had a uniform or weren’t allowed to wear jeans. I worked at numerous retail stores back in the day, mostly discount places, and we weren’t allowed to wear jeans, which was devastating to me. I lived in jeans and really didn’t know anything else outside the world of designer jeans. So I turned to khakis and had to pull together really awful outfits in order to meet a silly dress code. Someone call my therapist because I think this is another reason why I have repressed Khaki issues. But seriously, making sandwiches and dealing with awful customers that yell at you over discounted designer goods whilst wearing Khakis? You would want to burn them, too.
4. Too Short. Too Wide. Bell bottoms, wide legged, capri, skin-tight skinnies, drawstring, floods, mom jeans in the form of Khakis … all are repulsive. Once again … I blame this on the Gap. They put really good-looking people in really ugly pants with some sort of hypnotism device in the commercial so when you watched it, you immediately needed to buy them. I have never found a pair of Khakis that have fit properly. They always make my thighs look weird, my ass look flat, and, worst of all … they are NEVER long enough. When was the last time you put on a pair of Khakis and did you best model strut? Hmm? All signs that they should be burned.
5. What the HELL do you wear with them? Okay, so you could wear a white button down, or a white t-shirt with Khakis and look like you are a Kennedy taking a stroll on the beach in Martha’s Vineyard. Or you could wear a nifty cardigan with them … but seriously, how do you make Khakis cool? They are the ultimate statement piece if you are preppy. Nothing wrong with that. If you are preppy, you’re preppy. No shame. But for the rest of us, how do we make them work? The answer is, you don’t. They are made preppy, and therefore, you really can’t take that away from them. Unless you rock a “I Heart Satan” shirt or something with them with combat boots … maybe then.
Listen, Khakis are forever cool … because the Gap said so, and what Gap says goes. But at the end of the day, they may be one of my least favorite garments in the whole entire world. I tried them … therefore I can knock them.
In the meantime, I shall call my therapist. I think we should start with the Old Navy Khaki capris I bought in sixth grade that were skin-tight and came below my knee. :::Chills:::
Ps. No one has performed a swing dance in Khakis since 1998.