Ready … Set … SELFIE!

BktuvDdCIAAYNs-So today is the LAST day to enter to become the new face of Marc Jacobs. I know, I know … I’m stressed about it, too. Psyche. As most of you know from my lack of selfies and photos of myself, I hate having my photograph taken. I think it’s genetic because my mother hates it, too. I get awkward, uncomfortable, I start to sweat, I don’t know what to do with my hands, I look like death most of the time … I mean … wait!

One of the reasons why I adore Marc Jacobs ads is because he highlights the best part of women … our fun/carefree side. We don’t always need to be jumping in mid-air perfectly wearing couture in ads (I mean who the hell can HONESTLY pull off jumping in mid-air looking all glam and shit, Vogue … huh?!)

So here’s why I think I would make an awesome candidate as the new face of Marc Jacobs … ahem:

1. I’m super awkward

2. I look really good stuffed in a shopping bag

3. I’m extraordinarily pale … like Casper mine as well be my bro from another ho

4. I’m tall (5’9 … what what)

5. I’ve mastered the “deer-in-headlights” look

6. My hair can easily become an afro with a little humidity and moisture

7. I can duckface with the best of um … (but I HATE it … don’t make me do it, promise?)

8. Stripes and/or polka dots are my fave

9. I believe the bigger the hat the better

10. And finally I have no problem being made up like a tranny hot mess

So there you have it. In my Marc Jacobs ad, you know, if I get chosen :::hair flip:::, I would have one of his fantastic handbags covering my face, with like some fierce, Lady Gaga-esque cat-style nails gripping the bag, sitting with my legs spread open (calm down) on a velvet couch, wearing an over-sized ridiculous skirt, fierce ass socks with heels, and a simple T that just says “MARC!”

Now … I will leave you with some of my favorite Marc ads … and maybe a pic of myself. AHH!

Me. #Awkward


How I Rescued a Marc by Marc Handbag

Do you ever feel like you have a million balls in the air and you’re dancing around at a million miles a minute trying to keep them all up and then you look down and realize a straight up month has passed? Well yeah … that is kind of what life has turned into … which isn’t a bad thing because I enjoy moving at the speed of light … I really do.

So I decided on this hot first day of spring that I was either A. going to treat myself to a cocktail after work or B. do a little shopping because it had seemed like forever since I bought anything … which is a dirty lie, but at least I’m honest with myself. So even though a cocktail almost won, I decided to do a little shopping at Nordstrom Rack and let myself get swallowed by racks and racks of clothes. Sometimes your brain just needs that … to shut off and just start thinking disposable thoughts like “oh is this a dress or a shirt?” “Should I incorporate this color into my wardrobe?” “Hmmm gold lame shorts? Buuuuuut they are Diane Von FurstenbergĀ … I’ll just try them on for funsies.” And that is exactly what I did and in fact some of those were exact thoughts that went through my head (yes, about the gold lame shorts … I know, I know I got a good laugh in the dressing room.)

But then I stumbled upon the handbag section and was walking around like a zombie drooling over Rebecca Minkoff, Kate Spade and other various purses that were waaaaay too rich for my blood, but were absolutely gorgeous enough for me to consider selling my cat or something to buy it. And then, in the corner of the department, thrown like a piece of trash, I saw this pretty little beige bag. So I of course went to go look at it and noticed it was even prettier up close … and leather … AND Marc by Marc Jacobs. What?! 1. Who tosses a Marc Jacobs bag in the corner like this … NO ONE PUTS MARC IN THE CORNER (sorry I had to.) And not only that, it was $99. Now, I don’t buy myself nice handbags for funsies … ever. In fact, fancy, big girl handbags I think are only appropriate on big occasions or to celebrate something. That’s just me, though.

So as I stood there, touching it on the ground like it was a puppy at the pound, uttering things in my head like, “hey little guy, you’re too beautiful to be on the ground all by your lonesome, aren’t you, aren’t you” … I picked it up and immediately started phoning friends asking if this is real and if I should take the dive to make it mine. While all of this was happening, I was waiting for some a-hole in a trucker hat to pop out and be like, “HAHA SUCKER, YOU JUST GOT PUNK’D!” In fact I went over to the sales lady with it and said, “is this for real?” And she laughed and said, “yes … yes it is.”

Apparently, because Nordstrom takes back everything, they cannot re-sell a handbag once it has been used, meaning taken out of the store … so they “refurbish” it AKA send it to bag rehab and mark down the price. It is a beautiful thing because this bag, my new muffin, looks brand new. Maybe it is … in fact I like to think it is even though I rescued it like a Sarah Mclachlan “in the arms of an angel” puppy. But hey, I think it gives it a little more spunk than taking it off the pretty shelves of Nordstrom, right.

So lesson learned ladies, the right handbags for the right price do fall from heaven sometimes … and by heaven I mean at Nordstrom Rack. I still feel like a crazed man in a trucker hat is going to knock on my door with a camera in my face and say, “I’m the world’s dumbest shopper!” Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to go back to spooning my new love muffin in the form of a purse.