Ey, Yo, Neckerchief, Where Do You Live?

dolce-gabbana-wisteria-print-scarfThanks to the four hours it took to put a little blonde into my hair a few weekends ago (and when I say a little, I mean a little), I got to read the September issues of Harpers and Vogue cover-to-cover … something I normally just wouldn’t have the time for because, well, I like to sleep.

And that is when I came face-to-face with my newest fall obsession: neckerchiefs. I know, I know, “neckerchiefs” what does it mean? Do I want to wear men’s ties as belts again like I did back in 2003 (yeah … that happened)

Well … to be crystal clear, THIS is my jam (yes Man Repeller AND her neckerchief)

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Not this :::chills::: … 

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Now consider this an insane brag when I say I have a pretty impressive collection of silk scarves that my Nana left me. I remember playing dress up with them when I was little, to using them as cool room decor as a teenager, to waiting patiently to style them with the right outfit as an adult. See below. They’re good, right? And yes, that is Hermes, what WHAT :::raises roof::: (yes, I know CLEARLY a person who still “raises the roof” shouldn’t own Hermes … I get it). 

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And now here is my moment! They are in! They are hot! I see all these rad fashion bloggers on my Instagram feed pairing neck ties with beautiful statement jewelry and making the trend look purely delicious. It’s easy, right? Just pick out one of my insanely large statement necklaces, wrap scarf around neck … and … I ended up looking and feeling like this:

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Yeeeeaaaaaahhhh. Cue the Price Is Right Fail horn

Every different way I tried to wear it was horrific. At one point I felt like I was being strangled by the fabric. Then after trying it a different way, my neck looked like it had been swallowed up by a mass of fancy fabric. And finally when I thought I had it, I looked in the mirror and decided I resembled a teenager poorly trying to cover up a myriad of hickies. That is when I said, “SCREW IT, I DON’T NEED YOU, NECKERCHIEF JERK!” 

While I wanted to walk away from the trend and be all, “you’re not THAT cool,” I had all of these beautiful designer scarves pathetically starring at me like, “I’m dusty … wear me, wear me! I’m vintage. I’m hip. I’m with it.” 

And then I realized, God dammit, I’m going to resort to YouTube to learn how to style this properly, aren’t I? And there it was. All the biggest and baddest fashion bloggers and pubs explaining how to make the “neckerchief work.” Apparently I wasn’t the only one who wanted to set fire to the trend.

To be clear, I LOATHE YouTubing shit. I once did it to learn how to contour my face (blog post to follow) and ended up looking like Frankenstein. Not to mention, I always feel like the broads on the video are mocking me, like “see ladies, look how easy that was … any trained moron can do it!”, while I’m sitting there with gross brown eyeshadow lining my face screaming, “this is NOT how the Kardashians look, you bastard!” 

Eh well, you live and you learn a few new tricks every day. I won’t slash will not give up on this neckerchief trend because I DO happen to think it is an innovative new way to kick up your statement jewels.

Now behold, the neckerchief that is currently on its way to me from ASOS that I’m sure will continue to torture my life until I get it right. Yeah, lady below, it’s just so “simple” isn’t it? “Look at me, I’m so cool in my perfectly folded neckerchief.” We’ll see about that, model, we’ll see.

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