Oprah Hypnotised Me

NEW YORK - JUNE 4: Television talk show host Oprah Winfrey poses inside during the 25th Anniversary of the Annual CFDA Fashion Awards held at the New York Public Library June 4, 2007 in New York City. (Photo by Evan Agostini/Getty Images for CFDA) *** Local Caption *** Oprah Winfrey
NEW YORK – JUNE 4: Oprah Winfrey poses inside during the 25th Anniversary of the Annual CFDA Fashion Awards

I was never a huge Oprah fan (please don’t throw things at me). Every time I tried to watch an episode, it was always ridiculously sad and turned me into a hysterical mess who all of a sudden felt really bad about everything in life. So yeah … no. 

But after the sheer madness that has been occurring over the past month (and by madness I mean not giving a fuck about dieting and ingesting as many carbs and glasses of alcohol as humanly possible), my body is politely like, “ummm … yeah if you don’t start giving me water and vegetables soon I’m going to straight up cut you.” 

So when I saw Oprah’s new commercial for Weight Watchers (ps. does the woman REALLY need more money, I mean come on?!) explaining how 2016 was going to be the “year of her best body,” I weirdly started drooling and was like, “okay, Oprah, I’ll do whatever you say.” 

Don’t get it twisted, I’m not rushing to join Weight Watchers or anything, because quite frankly I can talk myself out of anything, for example: “Kate, you can have this carb filled carb and NOT go to yoga if you go tomorrow and the next day.” And then I never end up going. So chances of me sticking to a Weight Watchers diet is slim to none. So again … no.

But I do want 2016 to be the year of my best body, dammit, and I think it is because Oprah hypnotised me. Want to know why I believe Oprah hypnotised me? Because last night I ordered a sandwich and took the top piece of bread off of it to reduce carb intake. I took bread off my plate. Do you understand how unnatural that is for me? BREAD WAS REMOVED FROM MY PLATE. Yeah.  

Look … I’m in my last year in my 20’s, I feel disgusting, and I would like to not walk past my mirror and feel the strong urge to kick it in. I’m not saying I want a Kardashian ass or a six pack. I just want Oprah to look at me at the end of 2016, grab both of my hands, lift them up, and start shaking them madly whilst saying, “GOOD FOR YOU, GOOD FOR YOU!” Is that too much to ask?

So if you are someone like me who thought they were safe from Oprah reeling them in to her favorite things, or doctors, or John TRAAAVOOLLLTTAAAA obsessions, you are terribly wrong, my friends, terribly wrong. But this time you aren’t going to want the softest socks in the world or the latest color of Ugg boots … you’re going to want to be your best self (I almost can say that without wanting to vomit).

All hail Queen Oprah.