Things That Make Me Stabby
A lot of people wonder why the knife emoji is always in my emoji top 8. In fact, I get a little bummed out when I notice the knife emoji has dipped out of my top 8 (what, you guys don’t have an emoji top 8?).
Having a bad day? Knife emoji.
People suck? Knife emoji.
When your fave Chinese food restaurant refuses to deliver? Knife emoji.
Hell, sometimes I just text my sister the knife emoji and it’s like, “enough said. She’s stabby. Leave it alone.”
Which made me think about all of the things that have made me stabby recently. Because there are OH so many. For starters, writer’s block. FUCK writer’s block, man. Hence why I haven’t posted in over a month. Sigh. Because I had a whole lot of nothin’ goin’ on up in this piece.
So here I am, feeling stabby, and wanting to share it with the world.
Oh, and to be clear, I would never ACTUALLY stab someone. Only a little bit in the thigh, IF NECESSARY (kidding … kind of).
1. Unicorn everything: Why. Like I get it for little kids. But there’s something that just makes me incredibly sad to see grown ass adults walking, drinking, eating, and covered in unicorn shit. Right?
2. Jeans covered in mud for $425: Da fuq? That’s all I have to say about that.
3. Coachella and everything Coachella-related: Does anyone else find Coachella fashion nauseating? Cut off short shorts with my with ass cheeks hanging out and crocheted crop tops paired with a unicorn-style flower crown, and enough glitter to make a drag queen jealous just doesn’t get my rocks off. Sorry.
4. Anything that comes out of Donald Trump’s mouth: I mean, do I need to elaborate?
5. Off the shoulder tops: I kind of wanted to one until I realized, A. Sarah Palin rocked one in the White House and immediately all of them needed to be burned and B. wearing one requires a strapless bra, and we all know how I feel about them. Ladies with big taas need to wear a bra, fortunately and unfortunately all at the same time.
6. Cramps: I’m currently suffering and just want to have an intimate spooning session with my heating pad.
8. What Dakota Johnson or any other star looks like without makeup on: Makeup makes everything better. Who doesn’t feel like a million bucks after going into Sephora for eyeliner and walking out with $200 worth of crap you didn’t need? Also bitch was TOTALLY wearing makeup at the Oscars. Give me a break.
9. Showing your ass while posing in front of beautiful landscapes: According to Facebook, this is a thing? And it makes me want to leave civilization forever.
10. Slow walkers: Yes, I am that asshole walking way to close behind you so you MOVE THE FUCK ALONG.
11. People who email me and refer to me as “LifeSucksInAStraplessBra” then hates on my SEO practices and everything else I have going on in the backend of my blog: How hard is it to look at my bio and be like, “oh her name is Kate,” and then say, “Hey Kate, your SEO practices and all of your other web skills suck and you have MAJOR problems.” Also, stop emailing me because I don’t care.
12. Sweating/sweating through my bra: Murderous rage. I daydream about whipping that thing off the minute I get home. Sick, right?
13. In the same breath, humidity: It’s like yay springtime, outside, frothy drinks, and then the oversized, fat and sweaty palm of the humidity monster bitch slaps me across the face. Nope. Solid nope.