Defining Sexy

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Penelope Cruz was named “Sexiest Woman Alive” by Esquire Magazine, to which I have to say, well DUH!

It got me thinking though, what makes someone “the sexiest person alive,” ya know? Looking at Penelope Cruz, just looking at her, I see she is drop dead gorgeous, hot body, petite, big taas, hot accent, decent actress … so are those the qualities one needs to be named “sexiest person alive?” Who makes up these requirements? Because I would like to have a sit down with said person and go over a few things.

“She is impossibly beautiful. When she walks into a room, men start walking into furniture.” Just a little diddy from the Esquire Mag article. It was almost like the dude interviewing her was just sitting across from her drooling and nodding his head back and forth like a babbling fool.

Penelope: I like to kill puppies for fun.
Journalist: Uh huh … whatever … just keep talking, and maybe eat a little more of that steak … just … like … that.


Listen, I get it, it’s all a popularity contest, and maybe a little bit of a PR stunt. She clearly has a movie coming out. Magazine’s won’t sell if we don’t have a hot piece of ass, dripping wet, straddling a chair on the cover. We like our actors and actresses and musicians too hot to trot so we can daydream about them and buy their shit. I get it. Really, I do. But the whole concept seems a little dusty to me.

A USA Today article outlined the Esquire Mag article with words like “gorgeous, talented, magical, mysterious, and modest.” Hmm … perhaps those are the qualities one needs to define sexy.

The article, which is oddly enough mostly about bullfighting, doesn’t outline her charitable duties, or organizations she’s associated with, or how she is helping to make the world a better place. Nope. But don’t worry fellow ladies, she likes to eat JUST like us! “She is always hungry, she says. She orders the chuletón de buey, a huge slab of bone-in rib-eye steak, seared on the outside and covered with coarse salt. When it arrives, the beef is so rare that it is crimson and gleaming in the middle. If it ever had a relationship with fire, their time together was insignificant and short. She stabs her fork into her first thick slice and cuts into it with her knife.” Umm … is this supposed to be turning us on? Because it is NOT working, just to be clear. In fact I’m rather uncomfortable.


Listen, congrats to Penelope Cruz, the title was well deserved in some weird way, but really … like I said … the concept is dusty. I don’t care that Penelope Cruz is attracted to drama now but hated it when she was younger, and that she speaks 14 different languages. I seriously couldn’t care less. I want to read about a hot ass woman who not only is a knock out and likes to eat, but is INTERESTING … doing cool things, gets her hands dirty in changing the world, inventing something new … becoming the female Mark Zuckerberg. Not saying Cruz doesn’t have interesting things in her life, but hello, share them with us, for crying out loud.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “oh you’re just jealous.” And you know what? You’re absolutely right, I am. She looks amazing after having kids and she’s 40! Guess I’m just too busy drinking wine and eating carbs to get my body in perfect shape for an Esquire Mag cover shoot. :::Sigh::: But hey, that’s just me. I just would like to know what the definition of “sexy” is for someone to be deemed “the sexiest person alive.” That’s all.

Until then …


Get Your Sexy On … Or Not

I may be the most non-sexy person on the planet. And I’m not saying that in an attempt to gain compliments, I’m being 100% factual. And you know what, I’m okay with that.

In life, there are the Scarlett Johansson’s of the world, and then there are the Tina Fey’s (ps. let me make this clear, Tina Fey is my girl. My dream is to one day wear matching PJ’s with sheep on them and nerd out in front of a table filled with delicious junk food and 30 Rock reruns with her. Tina, if you are reading this, first of all OMG Tina Fey is reading my blog, second of all … we’re both Philly girls, we both love junk food, we both adore writing, I mean why AREN’T we best friends should be the question at hand here). Expressing my admiration for Tina Fey … complete.

And if you are anything like me, when you are around a Scarlett Johansson-type woman, you feel this insane pressure to up the sexy ante, if you will. Am I right? You see how seamlessly they bring the boys to the yard just by sitting there and ordering a vodka and club, and maybe giggling here and there. All of a sudden you start to think, hell … I CAN DO THAT!

Wrong. Stop it. No you can’t.

But alas, you will try … and most likely fail. Behold, how you will try and fail at being sexy told by some of my all-time favorite ladies in the whole entire world that I absolutely idolize:

1. You decide after dinner to indulge in a little intellectual convo. Men love smart women. Smart is sexy. You put your fork down and start hitting all the important points. You sip on your wine, flip your hair back like the perfect gust of wind has just graced your presence when … something doesn’t feel right:et3o22

2. You hear attracting things to your mouth intrigues men, so you start applying lip gloss slowly. You roll the applicator over your pouty lips. You think your lip gloss is poppin’ and that everyone in the bar is ready and waiting to make out with you but instead … 40038926

3. You see the guy across the table from you cracking really bad jokes. When the Scarlett Johansson of the group laughs, every one of her perfect teeth sparkle, her smile brightens up the entire room. Angels cry with happiness. She looks like she should be the “after” in a Crest White Strips commercial. So you go for it, you laugh at the idiotic jokes, you feel the sexy protruding from your inner being … when maybe you’ve gone a little too far … http___makeagif.com__media_9-06-2013_8Kf_bL4. Alright, now it is time to bring it to the dance floor. If there is one thing you know how to do, it is bust a move. You start moving like a backup dancer for Britney Spears, flipping your hair back and forth like Cher is trying to possess you, waiting patiently for the swarm of eligible bachelors to start fighting for your attention when in reality …

KristinWiigDancingGif45. Screw dancing, who needs that when you can sip your drink seductively. You slowly bring the straw to your pouty lips, playfully biting it until you decide to take a big sip when

What I’m saying is sexy can’t be learned. You either gots it or you don’t. I’ve embraced the fact that I’ll never be this: scarlett-johansson

But instead a whole lot of fantastic this: SNL-saturday-night-live-388968_384_288