Cue the Violins: Beauty Hurts In The Heat

Okay, I would be more excited for spring to be here tomorrow if it didn’t already feel like the middle of July. Good lord. I went from wearing a long wool coat, sweaters and over the knee boots two weeks ago to like stripping down to my skivvies to stay cool. Honestly global warming, really?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m loving the warmer weather. The chance to open up the windows and let some fresh air into our lives, beautiful flowers, annoying birds chirping … windows down listening to good music on the way to work … it doesn’t get much better than that. But with warmer weather comes with a more … oh what is the word … ah yes, irritating … beauty routine.

Sure it may seem like we can just transition from stockings, boots, sweaters and jeans into cute little, barely there sun dresses with sandals … but do you realize our bodies have been in hibernation since the first frost. Oh yeah … we’re like bears. Those frigid months when you have to bundle up are genius because there are certain things you don’t technically have to pay as much attention to as you would in the warmer months.

So to be a bit of a Debbie Downer on the eve of spring’s arrival … here are just a few reasons why it sucks to be a lady when it feels like we are living in Satan’s kitchen.

Annoyance #1. The Fact that I Look like Casper the friendly ghosts Cousin: What can I say, I have Irish skin … even though I’m half Sicilian and should have olive color skin, but that is neither here nor there at this point (damn you genes!). So if I want to get tan, I burn and have to go through hell and back to make that happen. So after years of torturing myself, I’ve kind of thrown in the towel and embraced my pale, pale skin tone. But again, after months of rocking stockings and long pants … having to expose the world to my pale skin … is well, kind of painful. Ghostly pale skin doesn’t scream “I’m too sexy for this outfit” let me tell you … unless you’re into the vampires … then, well, I STILL don’t want to talk to you. I’m good with denial and just choosing to not look down at my legs, thank you very much.

Annoyance #2. Hair Removal: Ugh I’m going to be brash enough to deem this as the shittiest part of it getting warmer out. For example, say you are really tired in the middle of December, have to go into the office early and don’t feel like shaving your legs. Hi, you don’t have to. Sure, it might not be the best thing, but who cares? At the end of the day, you’re throwing on pants and no one will ever know … you’ll do it tomorrow, you swear. But now, since it is 100,000 degrees outside, we as ladies need to stay on top of that shizzle … every … day, otherwise people will throw fruit at us or something. I mean we all know how much effort it takes to shave your legs and do it well. So if you’re having a lazy day and don’t want to melt in the office, you have to suck it up and get-er done. Woof.

Annoyance #3: The Skank Factor: Okay, there is a reason why I like the colder months better. If you are cold, no matter where you are, for the most part, you can fix it. Layers upon layers solves that problem, right? But when you are boiling hot, say, oh I don’t know … at work … what the hell do you do? You can only take so much off before you find yourself sitting in the HR woman’s office reading a pamphlet on how exposing yourself at work is considered sexual harassment. I mean they make all of these adorable sun dresses that are great for hot days, and then you just find a blazer or cardigan to cover yourself up whilst in the office. But for those days when the AC isn’t on yet, and it is stifling hot … honestly I don’t think anyone will pass out if I expose a little more shoulder than usual by taking off my cardigan and showing the spaghetti straps of my dress. As long as all your jiggly bits are tucked away appropriately, I don’t see how exposing more arm is a dress code violation, seriously people.

Annoyance #4. Keeping My Nails Did: I don’t know about you, but when it is chilly, my toes never see the light of day. It isn’t like I ignore them and become a sideshow act (ick, honestly the fact that I’m even writing about this is giving me the chills right now). I still get pedicures … but there is less of an urgency to maintain a cute nail color. Now all of a sudden when you wake up to put on those strappy sandals, you have to make sure your toes look public appropriate.

Here is to the start of spring … ladies, hope you are motivated.

Stylin’ In The Spring

First of all, I do not appreciate spring arriving like three weeks earlier than it is supposed to. Jerk. I mean it’s funny, at the end of every season, my closet is fully stocked with great things to wear … and when it ends I say, “wow self, next season I won’t have to buy too much since I invested in some really great pieces, I’m awesome.” But flash forward a year later and, like clockwork, you will find tumbleweeds and me standing in front of my closet in a frantic panic, pulling my damn hair out trying to concoct outfits I wore in seasons past. It is like my closet is a black hole where cute outfits from seasons past get sucked in, leaving me feeling crazed.

But with every new season comes with a new style. It is almost like you get the opportunity to reinvent yourself in a way. For example, this past winter, like all of them, I went for a very minimalistic look, lots of dark neutrals, boots and tights. A very serious style if you ask me. And for the past couple of seasons I haven’t been very colorful because I’ve personally always had a hard time adopting color into my looks. I feel like with a personal style, you need to pick and choose your color palette carefully, otherwise you have the potential to lose the “style message” you are trying to send, if you will.

So this spring, I’m absolutely adopting color, I know … crazytown. You can almost see my style transformation on my Wall of Awesome on Pinterest as I’m pinning a lot of flowy, light-colored garments that I’m very much excited about. Sheers, dark beiges, whites, pleats, paired with bright reds and blues and lots of arm candy. I’m also really into mixing and matching textures like crocheted pieces with sheers. And of course, black and white will always remain a staple of any look I go for. But sometimes when you’ve stayed with a dark, serious palette for so long, it is refreshing to let in some color.

Yes, too much color is absolutely a bad thing. I have an anxiety attack whilst watching that creepy french Target commercial with all of those colorful people popping out of that hot air balloon running around changing everyone into blues, pinks, yellows, and oranges. Good lord … if I was in the vicinity when that hot air balloon landed, I would have run for the God damn hills. Horrifying. Thanks, I was good with my black skinny jeans and my sheer black blouse and beige heels … don’t touch me and turn me yellow creepy Target people … kay thanks, bye.

So before you run out and start stock piling your wardrobe for spring, since it is coming to town this week … think about what style you want to portray. Don’t just buy a red blouse because it is cute and a pair of bright blue jeans because someone told you colorful jeans were in style. Think. Just because something is in style doesn’t mean it has to work for you. Do you know how many seasons I’ve walked into Forever 21 and just started to try random things on for funsies and ended up with a wardrobe that if I had to name would be called “xycskjdfoei” because it was all over the place and didn’t make a drop of sense. That is how you waste money and a perfectly good opportunity to portray to the world your style story. There is something to be said about cohesion … trust me it will save you a lot of time and effort when planning outfits for the day.

If you need help brainstorming, Pinterest is the way to go. Get on board (if you need an invite, I’ll be happy to hook you up), make a “Spring Story” board and start pinning things you like or would like to try. I’m telling you, you’ll start finding patterns of cohesion … and THAT my friends is when you start building your style story which you will be armed with when hitting the malls.

How I Almost Broke My Face Today

I love wearing a new piece of clothing to work. If you are feeling down on yourself, go out, I don’t care if it is Bergdorf’s or Walmart, and buy yourself something shnazzy. For me, it gives me this false sense of power. Wearing a new piece of clothing makes me feel good about myself, or it should, and there is always a chance of people not knowing what you are wearing is new, therefore, unexpected, but pleasant, power trip. People will just think you have this air of confidence about you, but really you are just riding a new clothes high. You can’t get more fabulous than that.

So this weekend I bought a lovely Vivienne Tam, pleated, flowing maxi skirt, that was a bit too long, but I didn’t care … details, details. And guess what … it wasn’t black! GASP … I know. So purchasing said skirt made me ecstatic for two reasons: 1. I finally got to own something Vivienne Tam after I saw her show during fashion week. 2. I got it for a fantastic price (Loheman’s is God’s gift to woman.) It is a beautiful spring color, and, to be honest, if it is fun enough to twirl in, it is fun enough for me … which it was. I love the romantic idea behind a maxi skirt. The twirling aspect. The thought behind it that if I did have to run through a field of daisies after the love of my life, I would clearly have to hold up a side of it gracefully so I did not trip, hair flowing in the wind. You know … the usual day-to-day activities a woman does.

But just like in the movies, that romantic idea is nonsense. So I decided to wear my skirt to work today. This skirt has a ton of fabric to it, which is another reason why I have created a love affair with it. I wore it with a simple black t-shirt and flats to keep it casual, but like I said, the skirt is a bit too long if I’m not wearing heels. So walking to my car, fine. Walking into work, fine. Sitting in my chair at work and rolling to the computer … not fine. The bottom of my skirt immediately got caught under the wheels causing me to jerk forward. I mean hello, Monday morning, lost an hour of sleep, no caffeine in my blood stream yet. Really chair … really? But I untangled myself, stumbled a bit as I got up and marched myself to the land of caffeine.

Walking down the stairs to the kitchen was my favorite. I held the sides of my skirt gracefully, like I was about to curtsy, I mean it was glorious. So I did my morning ritual of going to get tea and made my way back up the stairs. One hand free to tend to skirt holding, one hand free for the scolding hot lemon tea. Even though I was holding one side of the skirt, the other side was still dangling … ready to kill me with every step up the stairs I took. I didn’t know what to do first, make sure I didn’t get burned by the scolding hot tea, make sure I didn’t face plant whilst walking up the stairs, or make sure when I finally said “screw it” and hiked my skirt up in an unattractive bunch that a co-worker wouldn’t get an awkward show first thing Monday morn. Instead, I took it slow and steady like a pirate with a peg leg up the stairs, trying not to burn myself, and trying not to step on too much skirt fabric, so it didn’t just slip right off, and praying to Jesus no one would see me acting a fool this early … I mean for the love of God.

By the time I got back to my desk, rolling over the fabric of my skirt yet AGAIN which caused me to jerk forward awkwardly, I had about enough of this nonsense and it was only 9:30 a.m. … if that. So to sum this story up, that scene took place about, oh, I don’t know, another 10 times throughout the day. The more I almost fell, but caught myself, or the more I hobbled up the stairs like a pirate, I couldn’t help but laugh. Yep I was that girl, hobbling, laughing, and falling up the stairs like I should be committed. Nice to meet you. Yeah so, my romantic idea of Audrey Hepburn holding up her flowing long skirt like a lady, turned into more like a toothless hag holding up her skirt in an unattractive bunch like she was stepping on grapes to make wine saying … “ELLO GOVNAHHHHHHH,” to passerby’s.

Lesson learned: I need to get that damn skirt hemmed, and quite frankly, romantic stories I make up in my head about clothing probably do not belong in a two-story office, okay? The funny thing is, I was so nervous to look at the bottom of my skirt for fear that it had been ripped to shreds with me falling all over it today, but to my dismay, it indeed stayed intact. I like to think while making this fabulous pleated skirt that Vivienne Tam said to herself, “hmm, some asshole girl is probably going to want to pretend that she is Cinderella whilst wearing it during everyday activities, but in reality she is going to fall … and fall a lot … and get really tangled in things. Let’s get the most durable fabric we can find team.” To that, I say thank you, Ms. Tam, thank you.