Screen Shot 2016-09-07 at 10.59.04 AMSo I bet all five of you reading this have been frantically clicking on Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra every day being all, “why hasn’t there been a post in almost a month!” “Did she quit?!” “Does life no longer suck in a strapless bra and I didn’t get the memo?!” 

No. No no no. I didn’t quit nor will I ever (this thing will be a relic for my great great great grandchildren to make fun of). Life will forever and always suck in a strapless bra … don’t get it twisted. 

And why haven’t I posted in almost a month? Welp, to be completely honest, writer’s block is a real thing, and it blows. Badly. Really badly. Maybe almost equally to a strapless bra. And you know what? Mama needed a break. And that’s okay. So to all five of you freaks, calm the fuck down. I’m here for all your snarky commentary about life and style forever and always. 

Now let’s get down to brass tax. Because everyone and their mother has been posting pics of their kids going “back to school” (no idea why I felt the need to put that in quotes), it made me think of how every first week back they made you write a, “what did you do over summer break” essay. Which made me reflect upon the good ol’ summer of 2016. 

I would probably title my essay, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” Yes. Completely and utterly cliche, but devastatingly accurate. I laughed a lot. I cried a lot. I had some amazing experiences that will leave a mark on me forever, aaaaand some I have bolt locked away in a dust-covered box in the back of my mind that says, “do not touch under any circumstances, bitch.” But hey, as is life. 

So I apologize for my absence. Truly. This blog is my life and my happiness, and I’m refreshed and ready to get weird. So let’s check out some fun lessons I learned over this past summer, shall we?

1. Family and friends are super important and give you life (I mean, duh). Keep your circle tight, keep it small, keep it honest. Be thankful for them and tell them how much you care on the reg. Do it. 

2. Wine in a can is a thing and it’s glorious and my new favorite way to drink alcohol. Don’t ask questions, just try it. And, oh yeah, you’re welcome.

3. Be kind. To everyone you come across, because at the end of the day you have no idea what they are going through. 

4. That as women we can do anything we fucking put our minds to (shout out to Hillary Clinton). I had the pleasure of attending the DNC the night she accepted the nomination, and I cried, and laughed, and hugged strangers. And it was amazing. It was like the first time in history I didn’t loathe being around lots of people. 

5. Speaking of amazing women, this quote by Michelle Obama: “When they go low, we go high.” 

6. How important it is to embrace your flaws and own them AND be able to laugh at them. For example, I now have no issue posting things on Facebook like, “I’ve been wearing my skirt backwards all day, HAPPY MONDAY!”

7. That I actually like to cook and have been using it as a creative outlet lately. If you told me I would be doing this five years ago I would have said, “bitch, please” and flipped my hair like an asshole. Oh how things change.

8. SPANX underneath a dress in the summer equals death. If you don’t like my giggly bits, I don’t like you. 

9. Your gut is almost always right. And isn’t afraid to do the “I told you so” dance. You’re going to not want to listen to it. You’re going to want to tell it to shut the fuck up. But it’s going to tell you stuff you don’t want to hear, but need to hear and embrace. Listen to it, for the love. 

10. That people will try to rip you apart. Kick you while you’re down and then sprinkle salt in the wound just for the hell of it, no matter what kind of person you are. While we can’t change those people, it is all about rising above it all, and surrounding yourself with the positive ones. The ones that make you pee your pants laughing. Get your drunk for no reason and create epic days/nights with. Who will do literally anything for you. I’m so thankful for those people otherwise I would most likely be in a gutter somewhere singing to stray cats.