Thanksgiving Pants

Photo credit:

I’m not going to sit here writing about the ball gown I’m wearing for Thanksgiving, or the four-inch stillettos I’ll be rocking with my black leather peplum skirt, or my pilgrim-inspired look, or the sock bun I’m perfecting … oh no. I can’t lie to any of you. Because on Thanksgiving, I don’t get fancy … at all. And why should I? No offense, family members, but most of you have seen me at my ultimate worst. You’ve burped me, changed my diapers … and there is a good chance I may or may not have vommed on you one time or another (mind you this all happened under the age of 2 years old … God hopefully) … so yeah, I am going to take this opportunity to let my hurr down and relax a bit. Doesn’t mean I still can’t be stylish, though … just don’t expect me to whip out my couture.

I’m also not going to sit here writing about how I’m not daydreaming about the amazing dinner that will occur on Thursday … because I am … and it’s Monday. I have actually contemplated not eating for the rest of the week just so I can indulge in as many carbs as humanly possible until I pass out in an amazing carb/wine induced coma. I’m an incredibly picky eater, and the fact that I’m jonsin’ for this meal four days in advance due to the fact that I enjoy eating 98.4% of everything that will be served (minus the cranberries … they freak me out. Shit shouldn’t be can-shaped, okay?), really means something.

So here is where I would like to pay homage to “Thanksgiving pants.” Yes … it is a thing. What is my definition of Thanksgiving pants, you ask? Well …

Thanksgiving Pants [thanks-giv-ing] [pants]:
Comfortable, stretchy pants that don’t constrain, but instead grow with you.

Don’t be that guy who has to unbutton his/her pants after dinner. Seriously if anyone did that in my home I would kick their ass out with the turkey bones, but that is just me. Instead, focus on comfort. Sure, you’ll wake up in the morning of Thanksgiving your normal size, stomach not expanded, self not bloated to all hell from all the salt in-take … and you may feel compelled to drape yourself in spandex … but stop. Seriously. Just … don’t.

Here is what a normal human being should NOT wear on Thanksgiving:

  • Skinny jeans of any kind
  • Panty hose
  • SPANX of any kind
  • Skirts of any kind, unless they’re maxi
  • Banded dresses
  • Your “skinny jeans” you can fit in to once again after you lost weight (don’t do that to yourself)
  • Waist hugging anything
  • Peplum anything
  • Leather anything … I know it’s in-style, but no

Instead consider any of these as appropriate “Thanksgiving pants”:

  • Maternity jeans. Yeah I said it. It just isn’t fair that only pregnant women get to reap the benefits of the front panel.
  • (Even though technically not pants) leggings. Just make sure your ass is covered … we aren’t trying to be hillbillies here, kids. Grandpa and Uncle Joe really don’t want to see the outline of your Victoria’s Secret … am I right?
  • Fashionable sweats (no that doesn’t mean anything with the word “Juicy” or “Pink” written across your ass, I don’t care how much you have spent on them. And don’t you dare wear anything stained of cut-off. Let’s keep it classy, shall we?)
  • MuuMuus … go for a Mrs. Roper-inspired look. I’m sure someone at your Thanksgiving will get a kick out of it. Then really no one would know how much you truly ate and that your girlish figure has unfortunately been abducted by the Thanksgiving turkey.

So there ya have it. Hopefully my family isn’t reading this and is so disturbed over the thought of me wearing maternity jeans and an over-sized sweatshirt that they decided to not show up on Thursday. I swear I’ll at least put makeup on and do my hair … promise.

But my point, at the end of the day, is to be comfortable. That is what family gatherings are all about … well most of the time. Otherwise that is what wine was invented for … am I right?

Hello Comfort, My Old Friend …

I haven’t said this in a REALLY long time, but I’m extremely pumped for this upcoming week. 1. It’s a three-day work week, 2. Thursday is Thanksgiving, 3. It is one of the rare and few times of the year when eating and drinking as much as you want is totally acceptable and almost expected and 4. Enjoying time with family and friends.

I remember when I was little, my mom would make me get dressed up in some velour, uncomfortable something or other and we would all go over to my Aunts house. I would eventually end up at the kids table where family members would come around with plates of ham and turkey and then expect me to chase it down with a glass of milk, since that is what my cousins drank. Ugh … it still makes me queasy just thinking about it. But let me walk you through my modern-day Thanksgiving, which I have to say is genius … pure genius.

I wake up, watch the Thanksgiving Day parade (it’s tradition in my house), probably work on nursing some sort of hangover (since the night prior is one of the biggest party nights of the year), nosh on a bagel, hate myself for never becoming a Rockette … the usual. Around noon or 1 p.m. I will make my way upstairs and take a shower. Sidebar for a second, the reason why my Turkey Day is so genius is because I don’t have to leave my house … ever. Everyone comes to me, ah the glory. I digress though …

I’ll get out of the shower and start pondering outfit options for that day and into the evening. Sure, guests will be coming over, but these are all people who have known me my ENTIRE life. It isn’t like I’m having William and Kate over or Barack and Michelle … for the love of God. But regardless, especially during a holiday, I loathe dressing like a slob. But I’ll say this much, don’t expect me to throw on my proper party dress and my best five-inch heels, so I can put an apron over said fabulous party dress and serve festive hors d’oeuvres and cocktails … give me a break.

It should honestly be illegal to wear anything uncomfortable or constricting on Thanksgiving. It is a solid and known fact that the amount of sodium and fat you will intake will make you blow up to the point of feeling like the Michelin Man. So when I’m pondering outfits for Turkey Day, I go for the two C’s: Chic and comfortable. Leggings are acceptable with a cute cardigan or sweater over it, while accessorizing to the 9’s. If you must, sure, rock a pair of skinny jeans … but only if they have some give in the waist, otherwise you will be proving the awful “Pajama Jeans” commercial correct with the button of your jeans digging into your belly button to the point where it starts bleeding, ick.

Honestly, anything oversized, from sweaters to T-shirts, is right on the money for when you slink into a food coma after dinner and retire to “Beached Whale” position on the couch. Shoe wise, leave your heels and uncomfortable boots in your closet for some proper R&R. Instead, if you aren’t going anywhere, or feel super comfortable at the place you will be spending the holiday, rock a pair of Uggs (preferably if you aren’t leaving your house … you all know how I feel about them), or a chic, cozy pair of outside life appropriate slippers, you know slippers that look like moccasins or something.

So, unless you are going to a five-star restaurant for Thanksgiving, there is absolutely no reason to get remotely dressed up. This is a holiday spent with close family and friends, people who respect and love who you are … hopefully. I promise the paparazzi won’t be outside your house waiting to see you dressed down, there will be no competition of who wore what best (unless you and a sister or cousin have some sort of weird rivalry) and I swear, one day of still dressing super cute, but perhaps a little more on the casual, comfy side will not land in on 2011’s “Worst Dressed” List.

So look cute, but focus on the two C’s first and foremost. Comfort and being chic. If wearing five-inch heels and a sick dress is your definition of comfort, then rock it girl. I clearly think you are crazytown, but that’s just me being obviously over judgmental, my apologies.

Try to take this day to indulge in good food, good wine, good conversation and good people. I personally cannot wait to let my closet fade to black for a day as I bask in the glory that is stretchy black pants, a fantastic sweater, some vintage jewelry and a great pair of slippers.