Weight Loss Resolutions

2483E1AD00000578-2902276-Ethereal_Jennifer_Lopez_floated_weightlessly_within_a_golden_ray-a-82_1420742862595Okay, if I see ONE more commercial for weight loss solutions, I may throw a shoe at my television. Seriously. Granted I DO watch a lot of weird stations that just play Golden Girls marathons. But in order to enjoy these saucy broads, I have to endure crazy ads promoting weight loss pills, powders, magical solutions, and what have you.

“Look at me! I took this pill every day and after a month, I lost 100 pounds, whilst still eating cheeseburgers!” I mean, what? How fucking stupid do they think the general population is? Come on, people! What they don’t tell you is that same person turned into Satan and started growing chest hair.

I think the tipping point for me happened when I was watching an interview with J-Lo since she is the spokesperson for this new “weight loss system,” which she made clear isn’t a pill or a quick fix to being fat, which regardless, I find to be a bunch of hogwash. In the ad you see her spinning around in the air with this lovely piece of silk wrapped around her naked body, accentuating her abs and perfectly sculpted muscles. Which leads idiots to think, “oooh I could look like that, spinning in the air naked and draped in silk.” My response to that is, who in their right mind would want to float around naked wrapped in silk? Umm … J.Lo, that’s who.

What killed me was when they asked her what her diet/exercise regiment consisted of. And she responded with … “Well, I drink a shake in the morning, do a different work out every day, and at night I kind of eat whatever I want!” Umm … have you seen J.Lo lately? The woman is FLAW-LESS. Her body is SICK. I’m sure it is part plastic, but who cares? Go ‘head, girl.

After hearing that interview, I couldn’t help but say, Dear J.Lo, thanks for making us feel like you’re the average Josephine, but you’re not. You’re Jenny from the Block. You have a person making that shake for you in the morning. You have probably one of the best trainers in the world, sculpting a different part of your body every day perfectly. You have numerous nannies to take care of your kids whilst you work out. And you have a chef to cook you perfectly portioned meals, who probably also remove those pesky calories, for the times when you can “eat whatever you want at night.” And that, my friend, is how you have that sick ass body.

What I’m saying is, celebrities, stop giving us weight loss advice. Just stop it. You aren’t on our level. Why do you think these shady ass weight loss pills exist? Because people try the advice celebs give them, fail, hate themselves, and go to the next best thing … pills. Because those commercials show Photoshopped “models” with basically J.Lo’s body … which, let me be clear, is a bunch of bullshit. Tanning places don’t spray tan abs for nothing. Just sayin’ …

No two people are the same. And every person has to find a workout/diet regiment that works for them. And for those of you who swore when the ball dropped into 2015 that you will lose those pesky 25 pounds or more … please, do not listen to these idiots. Go to a nutritionist. Go to your doctor. Use legitimate resources that didn’t make the movie “Gigli” … umm hello.

Losing weight can happen, but it isn’t easy. It might be one of the hardest things to do on the planet. It’s frustrating, time consuming, and the idea of not eating carbs makes me want to punch innocent people in the face. I want to cry thinking about going to the gym after work with weird strangers trying to make small talk with me instead of going home to my couch, a bottle of wine, and, yeah, carbs. But it can happen. Just do it in a healthy way, for the love of God. Seriously. For the love … … … OF GAWD.

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Waist Train THIS

CaptureIf you happen to follow any of the Kardashian klan on Instagram (not that I do … or … anything ::shifty eyes:::) you begin to notice that they are totally pushing products on us. “Wait, if I take those pills that Khloe is holding in that pic my hair will look as amazing as hers!?!” Cha-ching! No kids, your hair probably won’t look as good as her hair, for she has hair minions following her around at all times making sure it stays at that pristine level of perfection. I’m on to your product mind games, Kardashian’s, I’m on to you.

Recently I’ve seen Kim Kardashian posting pics of herself, duck face and all, in what looks like a torturous mid-evil device wrapped around her core. What is this said tortuous device? Was she on a movie set? But no, in fact, she was in her living room, doing what is called “waist training” in an effort to compress her core. WHAT?! I know right, my brain exploded, too.

I’ve seen some ridiculous shit in the name of weight loss. Pills, pills that could kill you but promise to make you stick figure thin, machines that giggle you until the fat is gone, a massaging agent that shrinks fat cells, I mean you name it, it has been invented. But Jesus Christ, a corset-like device that trains your waist and decreases its size over time?! Is this real life?

I mean women, for centuries, have worn corsets underneath their dresses to give the illusion of a smaller waist, but the genius of it all is that you get to take it off at the end of the evening and down a cheeseburger. But this nonsense, a garment that will train your waist to be smaller, similarly to how you train a dog to sit or roll over, makes no sense … no sense at all. “Good waist … now go down a size smaller, come on girl, you can do it, come it. That’s a good waist! Yes you are, YES you are!” Think about it, where does the fat go? Wearing this waist trainer doesn’t make the fat evaporate … so its gotta go somewhere, right? I’m no scientist, in fact I’m an idiot when it comes to science and math related topics, but I know I’m right here.

I know, I know … beauty hurts. We have to go through some fucked up things to keep up with the Jones’ in the beauty department. Waxing, wearing Spanx, wearing corsets, sky high stilettos, god damn strapless bras. But I’m putting my foot down with these waist trainers. Not up in here … NOT up in here.

For any celebrity pushing these on the general population, shame on you. What ever happened to eating healthy and working out? Namaste bitches … right? And if we went on a hamburger bender (man I’m really craving a burger) the night before a red carpet event, we suck it in with Spanx. Wearing Spanx doesn’t train our bodies to do something physically impossible, it gives us the golden ticket to be able to go on a burger bender and still look like we don’t have a fat roll on us. Uncomfortable as hell, but they have a purpose. A purpose that isn’t damaging to our bodies.

A waist the size of a Disney princess is not realistic … or attractive. Kim Kardashian is a freak of nature and I bet the evil people behind these “Waist Trainers” are giving her mad money to hypnotize her followers and make them invest. Wearing Waist Trainers didn’t give her that bod … she has an army of people smacking carbs out of her hand and whipping her out of bed to work out every morning.

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Look, we all want to look our best. We all secretly see those commercials for weight loss pills and want to try them but know a few years down the road some lawyer on TV will be promoting a class action law suit for these weight loss pills who gave people a rare form of cancer. We all hate working out. But life is tough enough … why add on to it by wearing some torturous device that probably compresses all of your organs together (which cannot be good), doesn’t allow you to get the proper amount of oxygen, AND stops you from binging on burgers (seriously, will SOMEONE get me a damn burger).

Be healthy, be smart … eat a damn burger once in a while … and literally do the opposite of everything Kim Kardashian does outside of the fashion realm, because, gotta admit, the girl’s got style … thanks to Kanye, of course.

Slow Clap For Special K

CaptureI give you my 100% approval to throw stuff at me when you read the next paragraph, ahem:

When I was in 7th or 8th grade, I remember shopping at the Gap and being utterly disturbed and devastated when I went from a size 2 to a size 4. I would try to squeeze my ass in the size 2 pair of jeans … only because they were a size 2, and because I was under the assumption that moving up to a size 4 meant that I was gaining weight and getting fat. Alright, I have taken cover, you may throw whatever you want at me, just don’t aim at my face.

This awful and embarrassing memory popped in to my head when I saw the latest commercial out of Special K last night. Now I love me some Special K (and no Special K is not paying me to write any of this) … especially those breakfast bars, the chocolate and pretzel ones … to die for. The problem is I could eat like four of them in one sitting, which defeats the whole purpose of being “healthy”. I gobble it up like a beast and crave 10 more. But that is neither here nor there.

I did kind of fall in love with their “Size Sassy” campaign, for numerous reasons. In our world, obviously, there is such a push to be fit, skinny, in a size 2. Size 2 is king … and also … completely unobtainable for normal women. And you know what, there is nothing wrong with that.

A little secret about me: I never weigh myself. I’m not saying everyone should do this, but this is just what works for me. I’ll only get weighed if my doctor literally drags me to that old-fashioned machine and makes me. And it isn’t because I’m pushing that number under the rug, or turning a blind eye … it is because I feel like I am healthier when I don’t know. Listen, you know when you gain weight, or feel bloated, or even unhealthy. Your body tells you those things. You know when your pants are a little too snug and when you need to do something about it. The hard part is actually getting off your ass and making a change.

And I just want to give Special K a slow clap for changing their messaging a bit and focusing on women getting to what they believe is a comfortable weight and to one that makes them feel good enough to fit in to their “sassy pants”. For some women that may be a size 14, others it may be a size 6 … who knows. Doesn’t really matter. We don’t live in a world of 2, 4, and 6 and for the rest of the people, they can just try Sears (if you get that reference we are officially best friends). We are all different and that is what kind of rules about being a chick (Jesus, let me break out in song).

At the end of the day it is about the fit and look of a pair of jeans, not shaming yourself for not resembling Kate Moss …  am I right? A guy isn’t going to deny you and say, “woof … that girl is rockin’ a pair of size 10 Citizens of Humanity … bu bye :::z snap::: (because that is how I imagine men hit on women in their minds …clearly). No, they are going to be too busy checking out your curves to even give a shit. I’m not a violent person, what-so-ever, but if a guy EVER commented on the size of my jeans I would drop kick a bitch.

So thank you, Special K, I really hope you’ve started the movement to help women stop torturing themselves by trying desperately to lose those annoying 10 pounds, as well as fixating on their weight, and instead help them get healthy and slip into their sassy pants, whatever they may be, over a reasonable amount of time.

If you haven’t seen this kick-ass commercial, check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWEQuc1Wtb4

Disclaimer: I swear Special K did not pay me to write any of this. I just love a good advertising campaign that supports women instead of putting awful thoughts in their heads about the need to look a certain way that is totally unobtainable. Word.