(wh)Y Are Dresses So Ugly Right Now?!

8f0c7e79da7ede9d2a1185d25c4fc39eI have a holiday party on the horizon, and even though I have a solid 3 options currently sitting in my closet, I decided to take to the interwebs in search of “the perfect dress.” 

You know what I mean when I say “perfect dress” right? That dress you imagine yourself in, walking into rooms, making people gasp at your beauty, and twirling the night away. You know, that dress that DOES. NOT. EXIST. Am I the only one that builds this amazingly stunning dress in their brain only to find it doesn’t exist or costs $5,000? Because it’s fucking infuriating. 

Anywho … back to my search on the interwebs. 

My perfect dress could not be found. Hence why cardinal rule of dress buying is if you see one that you really like, even if you don’t need it, BUY. IT. Because a dress should make a woman feel like a woman (man, I have this strong urge to listen to Shania Twain…). Make you feel like Beyonce with a side of Britney and a touch of Gaga. 

But you know what I did find? Ugly. Lots of it. In bulk. I don’t know who decided the 90’s were violently back in and nothing else, or that vagina’s should be invited to holiday parties, too, but my GAWD, people. My eyes!

As a good fashion blogger, I should probably share with you all the cool looks for the holiday’s and where to find them, but fuck that. I have to share with you this heinousness that we as women have to be exposed to because it’s too funny not to share. 

So laugh slash cringe with me, won’t you? 

Tell me, why did this stylist feel the need to throw a white T under a long satin dress? Oh that’s right … because apparently it is 1995 and I didn’t get the memo. Duh. 

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If you wear this and someone offers you a bottle full of milk, do NOT be surprised. Because you look like an oversized baby, and you can thank good ol’ Urban Outfitters for that disaster. 

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It is totally cool to not wear pants in the privacy of your own home. Pants sucks. But when you get the urge to not wear pants out in public, or, I don’t know, say a holiday party, fight it. Fight it hard. Pants in public, kids, pants in public. :::The More You Know star swipe:::

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Number 1: That dress is see through. Number 2: the solve for said see through dress is not a cotton gray top over a pair of skinny black denim pants. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! Dear H&M, fire your stylists. Like IMMEDIATELY.

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If I was going to a party that was located in my bedroom, with a reservation at a table that was my bed, and Netflix as my date, then fuck yes, dress of the year. Otherwise … holy sweater bag dress, Batman. 

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Aaaaaaand apparently my vagina and ass were invited to this party. Seriously, Urban Outfitters, go home, you’re drunk. 

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Sweet mother… bib overall dress, you guys. No no no … BIB. OVERALL. DRESS. Bib overall dress. BIB OVERALL DRESS! I can’t. I really just … nope. I got nothing. :::bangs head against wall:::

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If I have any desire to just say, “fuck it, I’m drinking the Kool Aid,” this is the dress I would wear to my cult initiation. 

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Da fuck?

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Did I accidentally spike my Diet Coke with acid or did this stylist think it was a cool idea to drape a backless cropped turtle neck sweater over a prom dress that a cast member of 10 Things I Hate About You wore?

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Whoreville, population one. 

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(wh)Y: Femojis

periodemojisLast week I felt extra pumped about being a woman with all the posts celebrating International Women’s Day. Scrolling through my Instagram feed with quote after inspiring quote from fearless ladies, I mean how could you not be insanely proud to be apart of the womankind?

That was until I realized a thing called “Femojis” existed.

What in the living breathing hell, people? While I love me some emojis, do we really need an extra set “just for ladies?” It’s like those awful pink pens “for women.” Unnecessary and kind of make me want to kick you.

I don’t need a special set of emojis to express myself when I have my period, just like I don’t need a special set of “Kimojis” for when I want to tell people I hold near and dear that I decided to be a stripper.

I will say as women we do need to open up more about our periods. I’m not saying talk about your heavy flow and wide set vagina, for crying out loud. I personally have no qualms with announcing that I have awful cramps and want to stab someone (in the right setting of course), but that is just me. Is it appropriate to roll up to a meeting late and be like, “sorry guys, had to change my tampon three times on my way in. Heavy flow this month, what can I say!” Fuck no.

Others are a little more reserved, which is totally fine. But for those reserved people who can’t utter the word “pad” or “tampon,” do we REALLY think they are going to send a text to a friend with a pad emoji in it? Mmmm no. Gross.

Saying the word pad > pad emoji.

And what happened to good ol’ fashion creativity? There are a myriad of fantastic ways to bitch to your friends about period pains through the traditional set of emojis currently on your keyboard.

For example:

I have insane cramps:

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I’m a hot PMSing mess:

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I’m so bloated I feel like I could die:

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Don’t fuck with me right now:

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While I love that people are making it easier for women to open up about this monthly nuisance most of us suffer with, I just don’t believe the right outlet is through pink emojis of bloated ladies, pads, and yes, don’t forget the best one yet … underpants that have a blood stain on them (dear sweet jesus … my brain just exploded).

So I will end this by saying very clearly that if any of you dare text me an emoji of pink blood-stained underpants, I will give you the ultimate block from my life. As I shake my head and groan obnoxiously, “(wh)Y?!”

(wh)Y: Furry Nails

story_647_021916080356Have you ever played Would You Rather? Would you rather have Cheeto fingers for the rest of your life or have to wear a sweater made of your own pubes every day? 

I’m not 100% sure, but I can almost guarantee that is how this new furry nail trend was birthed. It’s like some poor bastard lost and the Would You Rather Fairy was like, “welp sorry … you’re the millionth player and now you have to rock this trend forever.” And somehow it stuck. 

Which leads me to say … WHAT IS WRONG WITH US AS A SOCIETY?! 

Good God. 

I entertained the whole Pinterest nail craze. I never participated and wanted it to die in a fiery crash after a while, but I acknowledged its existence. I even kept my mouth shut during Kylie Jenner’s “Coffin Nail” craze. Which, just so you know, makes it completely IMPOSSIBLE to human. Type, open cans, put on makeup, button your clothes … you can literally do nothing but sit there and slowly click through apps on your iPhone to look super important. 

But these furry nails look like someone got their nails did and then seconds later decided to furiously pet a cat that was hardcore shedding. The thought of it actually makes my skin crawl. Literally as I’m writing this I’m trying not to vomit. 

Once again, how do you human with furry nails? Think about trying to eat something like a sticky bun :::gags violently::: How do you get the stickiness out of your nail hair :::gagging over the word nail hair:::: 

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And the crumbs … oh lord, the crumbs. And forget showering! Does this mean when they get wet I have to blow dry my fucking nails, too?! Are you ACTUALLY kidding me?

Designers everywhere, listen up. I think we’ve hit a wall. I think we are all bored and starting to create stupid shit to out do one another. And you know what? We are better than that. 

Quite frankly I would rather see styles from the stone ages where dirt under your finger nails was considered high fashion then rocking a teddy bear’s ear hair on my nails. 

Normal women who aren’t a Kardashian want chic simplicity. We want something cool, but we also don’t want it to interfere with us getting from A to B. For example, I don’t want to have to think about the infectious diseases my furry nails will carry from touching the hand rail in the subway during my commute. That’s how the movie Contagion starts, my friends. Nope … not participating. 

So while I appreciate the “out of the box” thinking and risk taking, I’m going to forever shame the person who invented this. And God help me, if I see any of you rocking this trend, I swear I will slap you in public.

There are SO many more productive ways to make your look “edgier.” Get a piercing, dye your hair, get a tattoo, shave your head. But know there is absolutely nothing wrong with a classic manicure. NOTHING. It’s like Chanel, it will never go out of style.

While these furry nails … well, I hope by the time I hit “publish” on this post someone will have already set fire to this trend. Tim Gunn, I’m looking at you, bro. 

So forever and always I will be saying WHY over these furry nails. 

Excuse me I have to go vomit for real now. 

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(wh)Y?!: Did I Wear That…

Bad-Fashion-Trends-We-Fell-VideoIf you can’t look back at your fashion choices and cringe, then you’re doing it wrong. 

We are women (and potential gay men). We see Kim Kardashian rocking braided pig tails and all of a sudden, we NEED to rock braided pig tails. We try things. We (potentially) fail, and we look back a decade later and laugh. Life. 

My list is … welp, rather interesting considering I grew up in a time when it was cool to rock jeans so low your vagina was basically hanging out (God bless Britney Spears).

So to make you feel better about all of the awful trend holes you fell into head first, here are some of mine that leave me wondering, (wh)Y?!!??!?!

Lime green tube top: I wore this beast under everything. It was like my weird safety blanket. In my defense, I have a stupidly long torso, and in the early 2000’s shirts just never covered all of it. So that was my solution? Nope … still awful. 

Yep that is me in all my glory with the lime green tube top. Sigh.

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Ties for belts: When I was a freshman in high school, I was pretty sure I invented this trend. And months later when J.Crew came out with tie belts, I was livid. Looking back, I’m MORE than happy to give J.Crew that credit. Take it all, bitch. Take it all. 

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Speaking of belts, I once wore 5 belts at once: One was sparkly. One was a pink ribbon. One was electric orange and studded. And I can’t really recall the heinousness of the others … but I guarantee you they were awful. What can I say, I was REALLY trying to get voted “most fashionable” my senior year. Can you believe I lost?! 

Cutting the sides of my jeans for more flare: Apparently I felt my jeans didn’t have enough “flare” and didn’t “fit over my shoes well enough” so I cut them on the hem. My mother would spend her hard earned money on designer jeans for me, and I would cut them. I’m an asshole.

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Juicy Sweatsuits: Yes … at one point or another I had the word “Juicy” slapped across my ass. You would think wearing sweats to school was awesome, but they were sheer torture. The pants came very close to exposing my vagina bone and my entire school probably saw my ass crack a dozen times a day. And the tops were made for toddlers who may or may not had aspirations to become strippers.  

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Chinese Slippers: Okay, I thought I was the shit when I bought these at the Pearl Market in NYC one summer, and rocked them to school like a boss. “Oh where did I get these? Just some really cool boutique in NYC you’ve never heard of :::hair flip:::.” They were pink. And glittery. And I remember wearing them to a Sweet 16 party. Good God, self. 

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Double Popped Collars: I had an identity crisis when I went to college, which was private, and super preppy. So yes, I made my mother take me to Hollister and Abercrombie, and I bought as many colorful Polos as I could find, and then proceeded to wear two at a time and pop both of the collars. My current self wants to take my 18-year-old self out back and beat her senseless. 

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Manolo Timbs: Bahaha I WISH. But no, I never rocked these, it’s just a funny thing to say, am I right?

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Fake handbags: My mom and I would go to NYC in the summertime and kill it on Canal Street. This was during the time when there were no rules and store after store would have spitting images of designer bags hanging on the wall. No weird fake walls to go through, no following a strange man down the street into an alleyway for fake Louis Vuitton. They were just there. And I bought a lot of them. And I wore them everyday to school. How anyone bought that my mom, who worked at Burlington Coat Factory at the time, could afford to buy me so many designer bags that I could rock a different one every day is beyond me. I fooled them, huh?! Right guys … 

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(wh)Y?!: The Rise of JNCO Jeans From The Dead

It’s my pleasure to introduce my very first guest writer to Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra, Jenifer Reeves. She’s an up and coming writer in Philly and one of the very few I felt comfortable with handing over the reigns of my blog child to for a day. So show her some lerve, dammit.

Jenny is also kicking off my new series entitled, “(wh)Y…?” a spotlight on all the awful trends that have either been revived from the dead (where they belonged) or birthed out of what I can only assume is the horrifying loins of Satan.

jnco-jeans1The 90’s were certainly an interesting time for fashion. An eclectic mix of 80’s leftovers, the onset of the grunge revolution, and a bizarre year or so of drop crotch pants that were made popular by M.C. Hammer.

Perhaps these unfortunate trends were before your time; something you never had the pleasure of experiencing. I, however, entered into that decade as a brave and confused ten-year-old, willing to try out any and all fashion crazes, in hopes I would be asked to a school dance.

Mary Jane’s, shapeless dresses, thin cotton pants with an elastic waistband that resembled the “before” photo of a Jenny Craig commercial. Sadly … that was not the worst of it, though.

JNCO was a brand of jeans that became popular in the mid-to-late 90’s. They were no Levi’s, friends. Not even close. They were just yards and yards of endless denim with absurdly large pockets (over a foot deep), and leg openings up to 60 inches.

Let’s take a step back, though, and REALLY think about that. I have plenty of friends that are around five feet tall. Imagine one of them just curled up around your ankle, covering your shoes, and picking up litter and sidewalk gum with every step you take.

To be frank … JNCO’s are basically the world’s trashiest bridal train.

To top it all off, these gems were adorned with patterns such as tribal designs, graffiti lettering, and flames :::makes dry heaving noise:::.

My only theory was that someone may have taken a strong hit of acid, found themselves wrapped up in their grandmother’s drapery, sat in a corner doodling on the cloth that adorned them, and then listened to five-to-six hours of house music. And hence, JNCO was created.

Their giant back pockets were advertised as, “being able to fit a spray paint can.” They had secret “drug pockets.” JNCO had found their target audience and it worked. It almost makes sense when you think about how popular the “rave scene” was back then.

Look … it was a weird era. We’ve all made regrettable decisions as teenagers. But luckily, JNCO’s came and went, as all weird fashion does. They had a time and a place. And we moved on to more fantastic things in life like ball hugging skinny jeans.

BUT WAIT.

Brace yourselves … they are making a comeback. Not merely the company name itself, but the same exact pattern. They didn’t switch it up or modernize it. Years later, someone decided that this could be “a thing” again.

Maybe wear some JNCO’s on a night out on the town? Lounging around at home for some “Netflix and chill”? I see it advertised on social media nearly every day. I find this confusing at best.

In a world where skinny jeans and leggings are flattering and fashionable, how can we possibly revert back to this? If only I had known bringing back JNCO’s was an option, I would have tried my luck at making holiday themed pajama pants an every day thing (God willing, it’s still a possibility).

I want answers. I want input. For now … I will simply ask the question: “WHY?!”

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