Unless you’re a commuter. Like myself. And I’m not talking about walking from your air conditioned house to your air conditioned car then driving from A to B. I’m talking about long walks to the train and having to deal with sweaty crazed humans (because literally everyone loses their shit when it goes above 90).
When it’s summer and you would sell your soul for a sweet breeze from a passing train, you know it’s bad. I leave my house looking like a million bucks (well probably $250), and by the time I make it to my train, already find myself craving another cold shower to cleanse the sweat from my brow.
So while I love me some summertime with cute sandals and dresses and margaritas … I gotta say summer sucks extra for us working/commuting gals. Here’s why:
1. Sweating through your bra: it happens to me daily. Actually several times a day. I even created a hashtag for it, #SweatingThroughMyBra. It’s horrifying. This damp piece of horrific fabric glued to your body as you pray your natural body heat will dry it eventually. Hi Satan, what up?
2. Shaving your legs: I have to do it every day. Every. Fucking. Day. If you’re one of those chicks that is all, “oh me? I only have to shave once a month :::flips hair:::” just to be clear I want to stab you and so does every other woman. It’s so damn time consuming, not to mention stressful. One little painful nick to the skin and it looks like a murder scene in my bath tub. I’m 29 years old and lately I can’t go a day without accidentally cutting myself. So my new mantra is, if you can’t deal with a little leg stubble, then get outta my face.
3. Having to wash your bras more often: okay look, I’m not a scumbag, I wash my bras. But not a lot. Because it’s annoying as fuck. I have to buy such expensive bras due to my large taa situation, and because of that all have to be “hand washed” and “hung delicately.” Umm who the hell has time for that shit? But when you find yourself sweating through your bra 20 times a day, you gotta wash them … a lot. This is where I contemplate buying 20 cheap bras that will make my taas look deformed instead of washing my 3 expensive ones every day.
4. Constantly being paranoid you stink: when you’re sitting on the train and get a whiff of something foul, and immediately think, “OMG did I put deodorant on!?” And then can’t remember because you black out due to exhaustion for the first hour of every morning and start freaking out. And then you realize you shower and happen to be on public transportation with thousands of other people who probably have seriously poor hygiene and you’re fine. Hi, I’m losing my mind.
5. Thighs rubbing together: oh thanks, summer. If I already didn’t feel bad enough for not working out, now I have a constant reminder of the 10 fucking pounds I gained while I was hibernating this past winter with the constant friction happening between my thighs. Awesome. With every step I take, all I hear from my under carriage is, “you need to lose weight, you need to get toned, why did you eat that entire pizza last night, why don’t you drink another glass of wine, fatty.” Middle. Fingers. Up. Put. Them. Hands. High.
6. Makeup melts: I got home from work the other day, took off my sunglasses, and realized my liquid cat eye had traveled all the way to my temple. Uhh what? And where are the people in my life to tell me I look like a freak? I sometimes don’t even know why I bother. I leave the house looking contoured and highlighted and come home looking like satan’s step sister due to overheating. I say Satan’s step sister because I have rosacea and, ha, good luck keeping that shit covered up during a heatwave.
So there you have it. While I try to be a “glass half full” kinda gal, I just can’t help but want to throw myself on the ground, kicking and screaming over how badly it sucks to commute in the summer and still look stylish and put together.
Now excuse me, I need to set fire to my sweat-stained bra.