Fashion Over Technology

apple godUnfortunately my family doesn’t own a chain of popular hotels, nor was my father a very famous attorney who represented a very famous football player who may or may not have murdered his wife, nor am I the daughter of a famous actor of actress, therefore my life consists of choices.

Do I want to buy a pair of Louboutin’s … or do I want to live in a van down by the river?

Do I want to buy a Chanel quilted purse … or do I want to be forced to dance around my place with my new Chanel purse in my PJs in a sea of eviction notices, sans power with my cats (think Grey Gardens) as my friends gallivant out on the town?

You get the idea.

So I have had my iPhone 4 for about 2 years now. Let me say, I am not the type of gal that needs the latest and greatest technology. I’m all about getting the previous version for $100 less that basically does the same thing. Hence why I got the 4 when the 4S came out … and you know what, who needs Siri, from what I hear she is a saucy bitch. But I digress.

So this morning, I found myself getting high on Apple for no apparent reason. I felt this insane pressure to jump in on the craze happening around the country known as the iPhone 5C and 5S. All of a sudden I was frantically trying to get into my online Sprint (yes, I have Sprint … go ahead, make your comments) account, which I NEVER do (hi, I’m old school). But my user ID was wrong and then my password wouldn’t work, and a Pin!? God. Dammit … who made me a Pin?! Then I tried my “secret question” which was “what street did I grow up on.” Welp, Sprint, I only grew up on ONE street, and that answer wasn’t correct, so clearly I was drunk when I made this devil account. So yeah, I was seconds away from flipping my desk prostitution whore-style. Then jumping on my flipped desk like a wild beast screaming and pounding my chest.

I literally did everything in my power until FINALLY by the good graces of Jesus I somehow was able to log in and quickly throw an iPhone 5 in my shopping cart. Mwahahaha IT WILL BE MINE :::lightening bolts crash::: I was salivating. I was mad. I made it all the way to check out, tackled my purse to retrieve my credit card ¬†… when …

I decided to take a deep breath. Compose myself. And at that moment I felt my heart racing like a maniac and saw what I looked like enduring this insane Apple attack from the outside. I had turned into the ultimate spazz. My eyes were probably dilated, too for all I know. What the hell? Why was I about to buy a brand new phone when in reality, minus a few bumps and scratches, my iPhone 4 is f-i-n-e. My case is cute (like to die for cute), and I’ve had a love affair with this phone for 2 whole years, longer than most of my actual relationships … so why would I just trade it in (literally), like it meant nothing to me? And then a photo montage of good times with my iPhone started to move through my head (juuuuuust kidding, I’m not that insane … well, okay maybe a little).

You wanna know what truly stopped be from purchasing a brand new iPhone today? Boots. Fall. Boots. :::Swoon::: I already have a functioning iPhone. And iOS 7 … screw that, who needs it when you can have a luscious pair of over-the-knee black leather boots … :::sigh::: I can 100% deal with a slower moving system, and a phone that sometimes drops calls, and maybe an on and off button that doesn’t completely work and sometimes seems to bruise my thumb, for a couple fantastic pairs of fall boots in numerous colors and textures.

So suck it, iOS 7 nerds, mama is embracing her now vintage iPhone 4 and buying herself a couple of pairs of fierce boots and booties. Make fun of my iOS 6 all you want, iOS don’t give a shit. Vintage iPhone’s are the new black, you heard it here first.

Yes, kids …today was the day that fashion beat out technology, at least in my world.

All funds that would have gone to the iPhone will be going here:





Jesus Did Not Die NOR Did He Rise …

meh-funny-anti-valentines-day-t-shirt… on February 14.

Valentine’s Day is such a bunch of bullshit. Seriously … way to go Hallmark for finding a way to make people want to crawl in a black hole one day a year for no other reason than the fact that they aren’t receiving chocolates, flowers and idiotic cards that say, “I Woof You,” with some pathetic looking dog on it. I’ve seen girls literally cry themselves into a frenzy watching other women receive flowers and not them. It’s wild and sad all at the same time.

Now I’m not speaking as an enraged woman who just had her heart-broken … absolutely not. Because even if you are with that “special someone” … these Valentine’s Day advertisements have an acute way of making you feel absolutely alone. All of a sudden your mind goes to crazy places like, “my boyfriend doesn’t shop at Jared … what does it mean!?!” “Why haven’t I received an open heart necklace … huh?!” “OMG … I’m sitting on my couch alone right now … I’m going to be alone forever … ever … ever …ever :::Trails off:::” In-san-i-ty.

I wouldn’t even take the time to acknowledge the fact that Cupid voms all over the place this time of year if it wasn’t for a very poignant conversation I just had with my best friend. I won’t give you the nitty-gritty details, but it was about “getting back to you.” It is so easy to get lost in work, every day life, a relationship, that you begin to lose yourself … including what you stand for. Only until someone smacks you upside the head and makes it crystal clear what you have become is when you realize that you are standing as a hot mess at point B … and point A (where your true self exists) is like 500,000 miles away in the opposite direction. And that is when you stop and say, “sssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiit.”

So I want to stick it to Valentine’s Day this year … and I’m hoping all of my fab readers will stand with me. And I’m not saying this in an Alanis Morissette kind of “You Outta Know” way. I’m saying it so ladies out there don’t take it as a green light to torture the men in their lives for not planning the “perfect evening” and for the other set of single women to plan elaborate all female gatherings Real Housewives-style chugging white wine and spurting out half thought out sentence fragments about why being single is so awesome and how “I don’t need no mans ::: drunken z-snap:::”, oh yeah and … “why doesn’t he LOVE me?!!?!?! ::::drunken tears::::: Ew.


So do me a fav and …


Please refrain from the following:

1. All girl dinners that end up being drunken convos about ex-boyfriends and how much they suck … yet don’t … yet do … yet don’t … and usually end with a pathetic drunken text to him/her that sounds like SUCH a good idea at the time, but when you wake up in the morning will make you want to die. Seriously ladies … just don’t. Seriously. “No … but I jussssss … need … to tell him … that I’m sooooooo over husss stupid azzzzz.” Yeah … text messaging ex-boyfriends should have a breathalyzer device attached to it. Apple … get on this.

2. Rolling your eyes at co-workers/friends who get showered the legit way for Valentine’s Day with flowers and such. It will be tempting … but let’s take the high road. There are some good ones out there who know how to do it right, no matter how stupid and clique it may seem. So anyone who wants to send me milk chocolate caramels … I will not stop you, nor will I roll my eyes. Just sayin’ …

3. Putting up a status somewhere across social media about Valentine’s Day and how fabulous you are with an undertone of saltiness that you are single. Seriously … not a good look. Tacky if anything. Being single isn’t cancer and age is it but a number. Get. Over. Yourself.

But seriously …

Please indulge in the following:

1. How fantastic you are … personally, professionally, all around … indulge in it. It is a day about “love”, right? Think of all the ways that you make life lovable and how life makes you lovable. Put on a fabulous outfit, go about your day like any other day … but take the time to love yourself. I know I sound like a heinous self-help nightmare right now, but I’m serious for once. It is important, dammit.

2. How fantastic the people in your life are. Family, friends … even if you have one of each … it is a blessing. I am the luckiest girl in the world to be surrounded by such lovely friends. That is something to celebrate and hell … I may even consider buying them a God damn open heart necklace because yes, they rock THAT much.

3. Know that one day to show the love … just isn’t enough and shouldn’t be enough. The love should be shown 365 days a year. Nice try Hallmark, but we ain’t buyin’. One day of roses and candies and naked Cupids doesn’t mean shit at the end of the day. It means your neighbor gave in to the man … and you didn’t. BOOM.

Ahhh Valentine’s Day … how you make us all go cray. But this year … it is time to rise above.




I have a Dell laptop in my life … but luckily my personal laptop that I spoon, caress and love unconditionally happens to be a Mac. Last night I found myself writing a blog post on my Dell, but missing the ease of dragging a picture to my desktop and hitting three simple buttons to take a screen shot. So I switched back to good old Apple Land … a piece of machinery that keeps me sane … and stops me from punting my Dell across the room. At this moment, I thanked Steve Jobs.

Yes, the man revolutionized the industry and made it extremely chic to be considered a genius and a computer nerd all at the same time. His technology had a chain reaction throughout almost every industry … even the fashion industry. And when Walkmans and Discmans and headphones turned into iPods and ear buds, the sporty spices out there needed a place to put them while working on their fitness.

And that is when certain garments were made specifically with a place for you to put your Apple technology so you didn’t have to stick it in your cleavage or in your waist band hoping for the best (not that I did that or anything …).¬†iClothing made it possible to work out and listen to She Bangs by Ricky Martin without having to hold the iPod, because it is so cumbersome and all, have wires strangle you or have it fall out of your pocket interrupting your workout. Specific pockets that fit almost every iPod size were being sewn into bras, hats, sleeves of t-shirts and even sneakers, revolutionizing the activewear lines all because of how popular an Apple product was. I never saw Nike sewing huge, industrial sized pockets to fit a Walkman back in the 80’s now did I?

So thank you, Steve for making a gadget so cool that actually made me want to go out and buy it so I would get off my ass and be able to “listen to music at the gym,” a.k.a. I said buying an iPod would make me want to go to the gym more, but I really just wanted a cool piece of technology. I do believe there WERE smart people out there who ACTUALLY bought an iPod and ACTUALLY got their fitness on so much that the activewear industry saw this and in an effort to get those iSporty Spices to buy their clothing, made pieces that fit this uber cool piece of technology, in essence, making them Steve Jobs’ bitch.

Donatella Versace, Karl Lagerfeld, Steve Jobs.

Rest in peace.