Bringing Back The One-Piece

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I blame teenagers for giving the one-piece swimsuit a bad rep.

Think about it. Going down the shore with your friends, sans parents for the first time in your life … boys to flirt with, sun to soak up, and most importantly, boys to flirt with. So no one had any time for a one-piece. What are we five with cut little cut-outs in the back or on a damn swim team? No … girls wanted to show off the goods, bring the boys to the yard (minus nips and va-jay, of course). You weren’t anything unless you were wearing a ittys bittys teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini, or something of the sort.

But somehow this mentality was carried on into adulthood, and I am very guilty of this. As I got older, the more I detested the idea of a bikini. I would sigh, stomp my feet, but end up buying one anyways without even considering a one-piece … because clearly that meant I wasn’t “sexy”. Sure, I could have worked out, ate right, got some side abs going on … but instead I wore a mou-mou until I wanted to tan, where I would lay completely flat, remove said mou-mou awkwardly and blend into the sand in my stupid bikini, so no one could see how undefined my stomach truly was. All of this lead me to loathe going to the beach, by the way. How silly, right?

I’m going to say something right now, and it will probably lead to several women throwing stuff at their computer screens or tablet screens … but I’m willing to take that risk. Brace yourselves, kids, are you sitting down? Ahem … most people … don’t look good in a bikini. There. I said it. Now everyone calm the eff down and let me explain, won’t you?

You really have to be 100% comfortable in your own skin to rock a bikini and rock it right. If you aren’t comfortable strutting around buck ass naked like you own the world, then I doubt a bikini is the right option for you. If you are, congrats, rock that shit. And you know what, there is NOTHING wrong with not being comfortable walking around naked. Hell … I’m not. It doesn’t mean you’re fat, or out-of-shape, or ugly. It means bikini’s are the devil. No article of clothing has the right to make any woman feel this way! Now, let’s burn them! Who’s with me!?

Besides lighting fire to these bad boys, there is a truly brilliant solution to this problem. A simple, easy solutions that will make all of us stop hating going to the beach and wishing death upon those stick figure models who look so damn perfect in a string bikini (ps. unless you are 100 lbs with no taas, or happen to have fake taas, string bikinis won’t work … it’s total discrimination, I know. I happen to have larger taas and they just don’t work). The solution is finding a different style of swimsuit … taa-daa! There is a whole world of swimwear that will make you feel sexy, cool and confident and that doesn’t mean you have to show off 95% of your epidermis. Sometimes, the less skin you show, the better. Leave a little the imagination … ehhh?! And no … I’m not talking about this … calm yourselves.

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I’m not saying don’t strive for something. If your goal is to rock a bikini hard, do it. My God, go for the gold. But I am saying as a group, we should stop shaming ourselves because we can’t fit in to Gisele Bundchen’s bikini. I’m sorry … it’s just unobtainable. Real life doesn’t have Photoshop. God made us all different and fantastic in our own ways. Find a style that works for your body. So what if the world can’t see your damn belly button. The important part is a swimsuit that compliments your body in the best way possible. And yes, one-pieces can we sexy. Trust.

Here is the proof, kids.






JETS by Jessica Allen





Bathing Suits And Laying On Rocks

Gisele-Bündchen-HM-2014I am absolutely a realist. Give it to me real. Give it to me straight. So you can imagine how taken back I was when I saw H&M’s new commercial with Gisele Bundchen singing “Heart of Glass” in a string bikini, right?

I heard rumors that she was staring in their new campaign. I even heard she recorded her own version of Blondie’s renowned “Heart of Glass.” And you know what? I tipped my cap to her. I most definitely would NEVER have the balls to make my own version of such an epic song … and that takes BALLS. We are talkin’ Blondie here. It was something courageous and admirable, especially coming from an international super model.

:::Sigh::: and then I see the commercial. What the HELL, people? Her voice isn’t bad … auto tuned to death … but overall not bad. Definitely better than any reality star that has dropped a single, I’ll give her that (hello “Money can’t buy you class”). But what is with the fashion industry thinking women will buy bathing suits if they see stick figure super models with sick bodies just straight chillin’ on a rock with splashing waves behind them.

Seriously … no real woman wants to see that shit. None. Ever. Never ever. When was the last time you were at the beach and said, “hmm … you know what? I’m going to go sunbath on that rock over there with the rough surf surrounding it. I’ll catch you guys in a few.” WHAT?! Seriously. First of all, how uncomfortable could you be? Rocks aren’t comfortable last time I checked. Rocks bruise humans and leave scratches and weird marks. And knowing my luck, I would probably end up with a rock up my ass or some sea creature crawling on me, leading me to freak out, make some quick awkward motions and leaving me with a chipped tooth or unconscious on said rock, or something.

You know what else, when was the last time you were sunbathing, in a string bikini mind you, and said … “hmm, I’m going to lay on my side.” MOST. UNFLATTERING. POSITION. EVER. See below … have you ever done this, hmm? Does this look comfortable and relaxing to you? It looks like something that would induce an anxiety attack to me, personally … because everything just … you know … rolls to the side. Everything. Just sayin’ …
You know what I’m doing when I’m wearing a bikini? Sucking in my stomach slash thinking about my fat rolls … what they are doing, if they are visible, and when and if I should put my mumu back on. Yep. That’s what’s up. I realize if you aren’t comfortable with your body, you should maybe find a suit you are more comfortable in, yeah yeah … blah blah blah … but bathing suits are awkward. They leave little or nothing to the imagination. You mine as well be walking down Broad Street in your bra and panties. For the life of me I have no idea why the sight of “water” makes it all of a suddenly okay to be half naked in front of total strangers. It’s weird, right? Listen, the only way you could get me in a position like the one above on a beach is if Photoshop glasses existed and everyone was wearing them.

So my point is whilst selling bathing suits … keep it real, for the love of God. Because when I’m sitting on my couch eating party mix, sucking down a Diet Coke wearing ratty ol’ PJs with my cat and all of a sudden Gisele in a bikini straight chillin’ on some rocks appears on my TV … yeah that doesn’t exactly make me want to hop in my car and head straight to H&M. It makes me eat more party mix … and maybe invest in another mumu or two … or five.