How Much My Face Costs

September 10, 2015.Reading time 4 minutes.

I hate to admit this. In fact, I’m typing with one hand and covering my face in shame with the other. But I’m slightly mystified with the Kardashians. I’m not proud of it. But after a long day, it’s something I can turn my brain off and be entertained by, much like staring at something shiny, ya know?

Therefore when I see an article that says something like, oh I don’t know … “This is How Much Kylie Jenner Spends On Her Face,” I click on it. (Oh shut it, you probably did, too)

I was expecting thousands and thousands of dollars would be spent, between the lip fillers and her star-studded cast of hair stylists and makeup artists. But the youngest of the Kardashian clan spends around a little over $3,000 for the whole sha-bang. While for me, that price is shocking and a bit appalling, for her it’s kind of like, “really? That’s all?”

Which made me want to evaluate my own beauty regiment, because I don’t know about you, but I wake up looking like a gargoyle. So I need a LOT of help de-gargoyling myself before I can show my face in public without scaring small children.

While I was a little nervous, yet 110% positive I wouldn’t come close to Kylie’s over $3,000 beauty budget, I decided to crunch the numbers and see how much I actually spend to fake dance around people and be all, “I WOKE UP LIKE DIS,” but in reality I woke up super early and applied X amount of dollars worth of shit to my body so I didn’t frighten you.

So here it is …

Face

Aveeno Positively Radiant Brightening Face Cleanser: $7.99

Aveeno Daily Moisturizing Lotion: $11.99

Kiehls Facial Fuel Eye De-puffer: $20.00

Miss Spa Brightening Facial Sheet Mask: $3.99 (only once in a blue moon, though)

Rubbing Alcohol: $3.29 (this is my solution to all breakouts … it’s glorious)

Makeup

Smashbox Photo Finish Foundation: $36 (I still don’t know if this shit ACTUALLY does anything)

Benefit Erase Paste: $26 (the cream of the Gods)

Laura Mercier Foundation: $48

Mac Bronzing Power: $26

Benefit Sugarbomb Box O’ Powder: $28 (I randomly found this stuffed in the back of my makeup drawer, and now I’m obsessed)

Benefit They’re Real Mascara: $24

Sephora Collection Long-lasting 12-hour liquid eyewear: $12

Sephora Collection Retractable Eyebrow Pencil: $13

Rimmel Lasting Finish By Kate Moss Lipstick: $5.79 (my current lip jam)

Hair:

TRESeme Color Revitalize Protection Shampoo: $4.99

Conditioner from a hair dye box (depends): $6.99 (yes, I buy the box hair dye, and only use the conditioner because it rocks that hard)

Keratin shit from my salon: $20 (it has my salon’s logo on it, so I don’t know exactly where you could get it. What up, Verde Salon)

Not Your Mother’s Clean Freak Dry Shampoo: $5.99 (only when I’m super lazy and don’t want to wash my hair, which is constantly)

Grand total to NOT look like a gargoyle: $304.02

I mean it isn’t TERRIBLE, right? RIGHT?! GOOD GOD, TELL ME I DON’T HAVE ISSUES! Sigh. I blame Sephora. Damn you, Sephora and all of your shiny goodness, DAMN YOU! :::shakes fist::: (just kidding, love you, mean it)

Hydrate … For. The. Love. Of. GOD.

November 4, 2013.Reading time 4 minutes.

I’ve been battling a Diet Coke addiction for years. There. I said it. Diet Coke is the saucy temptress that will forever be the bane of my existence. I’ve gotten on the sweet, sweet carbonated wagon, and I’ve harshly fallen off, bingeing on cans and cans a day. Ugh.

And with that being said, I loathe drinking water. Sure, when you are parched or wake up in the morning after a long night of drinking, nothing in life is better than a cold glass of water. But besides that … meh. The times where I did successfully push Diet Coke out of my life and adopted a clean drinking regime (meaning only water), I did feel amazing. I peed a lot, but I felt like gold (no pun intended?).

But my sweet, sweet, carbonated friend in the silver and red can is deceiving. You think you are choosing the “healthier soda choice” by sticking by his side. He’s slim, chic, timeless … and Taylor Swift backs him. But he has another evil henchman that stands behind him silently, also known as “Aspartame.” Ps. I feel like lightning should strike every time you say “Assssssspartame.”

Aspartame is the fucking devil. And according to a source at the FDA :::glavin:::, it is pretty into messing up your whole entire body. The list of side effects is disturbing, and I’m pretty sure I would make you fall asleep if I listed them all … yes there are THAT many. But to summarize, it may cause everything from depression, cancer, fatigue, severe anxiety attacks, and horrible pain whilst swallowing … like I said, the fucking devil. Really makes H20 a little less yawn-worthy, am I right?

So I’m not only putting myself at high risk for disease, psychological problems and pain … BUT … I’m also making myself look like a hot mess? What?! Thanks, Daily Mail, for bringing this to my attention. I’ve been investing in expensive hydrating cremes, anti-puffery serums, the souls of the young and beautiful (juuuust kidding) to make myself look vibrantly wake and stunningly amazing … and all this time, I could have just been drinking copious amounts of water?!

Yes, water is, indeed, the key to life and youth. And who knew the key to life and youth was so boring. But if you are tired of being and looking tired, saddle up and start chugging some liter jugs of water. Because apparently that’s all it takes. One to three glasses a day won’t do the trick. If you want results you need to go big or go home to the land of tired looking skin.

I do think I need Diet Coke rehab and a sponsor, for that matter. If anyone is up for the challenge, let me know. But to try to have flawless skin and look years younger just from adopting a life of water, water and more water … well that is something I might want to sign up for.

Die, Humidity, Die.

May 29, 2013.Reading time 6 minutes.

Maybe it is because I’m living a life sans air conditioning for the first time since college, or maybe it’s because I thoroughly enjoy snuggling under blankets when it is a little chilly … and because I’m afraid monsters might attack me in the middle of the night (issues), but this humidity nonsense is starting to get to me.

I have this theory that it is 100% impossible to look your best when you are surrounded by layers of thick heat. To those of you who live in a glorious climate where such nonsense doesn’t exist, let me give you a slow clap right now followed by an epic eye roll. But for folks like me living near or in a city whose middle name is “smog” and or “humidity” well … yeah … meet us.

Here’s what’s up, though. I wake up in the morning, take a shower, cool off enough to even think about taking a blow dryer or flat-iron to my head. And in between said drying and straightening I have to take t-outs to stick my head in front of a fan for sheer relief every 10 minutes or so. Once my hair is did I then shellacked it down with some sort of anti-frizz bullshit that some teenager at the beauty store talked me in to buying because, “like everyone here is obsessed with it.” Listen … I was desperate for a new product, but like how do you choose? Seriously. Everyone and their mom makes a damn thermal protector, shine enhancer, super straight serum shit, etc. … to the point where I got so overwhelmed that yes … I believed anything that the teenager sales associate with bad hair had to say. Now I’m left with a product called legit “It’s A 10.” Because with a name like that is HAS to be a winner …

So then once I’ve “tame the beast” … it is time to move on to makeup application. And all I can think to myself is, “how can I make this :::circle motion in front of my face::: not so shiny and sweaty looking. So I apply my moisturizer, my foundation, powder to take some of the shine away, bronzer … you get the point … and just when I think I have solved my issue and look somewhat decent … the humidity wipes away my work of art turning me back to a shiny hot mess. Seriously … to the women who can pull of the “dewy” (p.s. I LOATHE that word, but I have no other way to say it) glow … I effing hate you. Why is it that when I get attacked by high temperatures I look like an overweight dude who just ran five miles in a velour sweat suit? Like seriously I just don’t get it.

Fast forward to the end of the day and … my gawd. Exhaustion takes over from trying to exist like a normal human being in ridiculously hot conditions, I’m sweating and there is probably a good chance that I could smell, any sort of makeup has melted away, and my hair is a wild, frizzy disaster area. Cool. Welp … what do I do? I OWN IT. Yeah I said … suck on that, humidity.

Today I was playing with my hair, trying to pull it to one side, taming it down violently so I didn’t resemble a wild rabid beast … but I finally just said fuck it. Carrie Bradshaw, as cliché as this may sound … bear with me … didn’t give a shit. She had wildly insane HUGE curly hair and she owned it. So instead of trying to fix an unfixable problem since they don’t make hair straighteners that you can plug into your car (and if they do … please point me in their direction), I flipped my hair upside down, ran my fingers through it and tried to embody the confidence of Carrie Bradshaw … minus all the puns and “I couldn’t help but wonders.”

True … I still have yet to solve the, “I look like sweaty death,” problem … but I just invested in another spray tan because life is just slightly better when you’re sun kissed, so I’m hoping this will help. Listen we can’t look like golden Gods every day of the week … no matter how hard we try. So when the humidity gets you down … you just gotta flip that frizzy nightmare of yours around and walk with a stride of pride. This is what’s up: I’m hot, exhausted, probably jonsin’ for a frothy cocktail, and I look like frizzy hell … what up, world?

Gwyneth Paltrow: The New Regina George

April 26, 2013.Reading time 6 minutes.

Remember that girl in high school, the one you wanted to accidentally throw a banana peel down in front of where she was walking so she could slip and break her face … just a little? You know who I’m talking about … every girl had to deal with that girl in high school … and if you didn’t … well … you were probably that girl. Good for you.

And did you know … Gwyneth Paltrow was recently named People Magazine’s “World’s Most Beautiful Woman” GASP! And honestly, the haterade that has been pouring out of everyone because of this is absolutely classic. So yeah … looks like she has set the beauty standard in the whole entire world. :::Sigh::: Great. I mean for f*&ks sake … come on People Magazine. Like we don’t have any other shit to stress about, now we have to set our beauty standards to Paltrow? Really!?

But this got me thinking about the chick you wanted to banana peel in high school. Here are the qualities of that girl that made you secretly hate her, but at the same time crave her life compared to Gwyneth:

1. That girl: Excelled academically

Gwyneth: Academically … I know she graduated from the Spence School in New York City … sounds fancy … I’m sure has a degree in being beautiful and awesome too

2. That girl: Had the hottest boyfriend in high school

Gwyneth: Umm let’s go through her laundry list of ex-boyfriends, shall we? Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck … and now married to one of the sexiest rockers of our time, Chris Martin … ummm hello?! The Coldplay song “Green Eyes” is about her … I mean …

3. That girl: Was beloved by everyone (even the teacher’s spawned from Satan himself)

Gwyneth: She seems sweet as pie … I mean if Oprah lives and dies for you, shouldn’t we all? I can’t really see Paltrow smacking a bitch, but I could be wrong. Overall I would say she is pretty likable.

4. That girl: Sick body … like made Gisele look like a manatee

Gwyneth: The woman lives a yogi lifestyle. And that is why she is 40 and looks younger than me … I’m 26 by the way … cool. Also … doesn’t eat carbs … nor does she allow her family too. Sweet, Paltrow, how is that working out for you? Oh that’s right, your the most beautiful person ever … my bad.

5. That girl: Gorg … like stunning … made inanimate objects weep over her beauty

Gwyneth: Flawlessly gorgeous. Doesn’t fiddle with Botox or plastic surgery, just straight up naturally stunning. Excuse me while I go put on pounds of makeup so I don’t resemble death anymore.

6. That girl: Talented in every single thing she tried … like I’m talking could randomly hop on a pogo stick for the first time and become the world’s best pogo stick jumper

Gwyneth: Oh you know gave acting a whirl, won an Oscar. Gave modeling a whirl, ended up on the cover on Vogue. Dabbled in singing and did a freaking duet with Cee Lo and the Muppets on the Grammy’s. Then got into blogging because … why not take the spotlight away from actual bloggers who are trying to make a name for themselves :::shaking fist:::. Then decided to write a cookbook … I mean the list goes on and on.

7. That girl: Helped cure AIDS/feed the hungry/raised money for orphans … AKA made us all look really bad

Gwyneth: I mean she raises money for breast cancer research, is apart of UNICEF, donates to food banks, sells her own clothing on her blog to raise money … but when you are rolling in it like she is, she better damn straight help out charities.

8. That girl: Trend setter … I heard she wore army pants and flip flops … so I wore army pants and flip flops. (If you recognize this quote … I love you.)

Gwyneth: She could wear a paper bag and make it look chic. ‘Nough said.

9. That girl: Had more friends than she knew what to do with … people would just flock to her

Gwyneth: She knows Oprah and does yoga with Madonna … ‘Nough said. And quite frankly if she was in my general area … like I could touch her, I would totally kiss her ass and try to be her friend … “Oh your hair is SO pretty,” “OMG RIGHT?!” … that is how I imagine that conversation would go.

10. That girl: Lived a luxurious life with a plush home and cars that were more expensive than my parents combined salary.

Gwyneth: Do I even need to go there? She has homes on two continents … let’s talk.

So listen, let’s be real here ladies, the reason everyone is up in arms about Gwyneth Paltrow winning “Most Beautiful Woman That Ever Walked This Earth,” is because we are straight up J-E-A-L-O-U-S. I’ll admit it, I hate the bitch for no reason besides the fact that I wish she would stop blogging and divorce Chris Martin so I could have him … but God dammit do I respect her.

And now … I will leave you with this:

There Is No Crying In Spray Tanning!

April 22, 2013.Reading time 8 minutes.

As most of you know by now … I’m pale. Like really pale. Like pathetically pale. And lucky for me, some kind soul read my post about how pale I actually am and felt a need to aid in my search for a little sun kissed color. I woke up the next morning with a kind message from Adrienne, the owner of Baked Tanning in Philadelphia, offering to give me a spray tan … and when you look like Casper the Friendly Ghost’s twin like I do … you jump on a golden opportunity like this.

I had only been spray tanned once prior to this experience, and quite frankly it was pretty stressful. The exfoliating, the turning too dark after waiting too long to shower, the exfoliating again, and again, and again, and dealing with parts of your body that were darker than others. Luckily Adrienne gave me “spray tanning 101” which I will share with you now so you can enjoy a painless, stress-free, almost relaxing tanning experience.

1. Exfoliate, Shave and Say Your Prayers: Don’t go insane, but get that dead skin off before the tan. You’ve been hiding your epidermis under bulky sweaters and tights for the past five months … start with a fresh layer of skin, ladies and gents. And yes … ev-er-y-where, all the good nooks and crannies. And the same goes for any unwanted hair. You may or may not be in the shower for a solid 45 minutes … I gave your fair warning.

2. Go All Natural: That means no makeup, moisturizer, or deodorant. Oh yeah … bet you didn’t know spray tanning turns deodorant green … cause it does. The Incredible Hulk look is so not hawt right now. So yeah, you may look like a hot mess going to and from the spray tan, but do what I did and pretend you are going to the gym … except … not. When people looked at me, I gave them a look back like, “oh yeah … don’t mind me … just going to pump some iron … in flip flops … yeaaaaahhh DON’T LOOK AT ME!”

3. Trust the Person Spraying You: If you don’t … walk the hell out. But usually … USUALLY … the person spraying you knows what shade of tan will look best on you. I trust Adrienne 110% because she gave me her background, told me how she trains her employees, etc. It’s okay to ask them those questions. And asking them their opinion is encouraged … they are the experts, for crying out loud. For example, if I told Adrienne that I wanted to look like I sat out in the sun below the equator for the past three months with no SPF, she would have told me I was absolutely cray and I would have respected that. Instead a natural, healthy glow was suggested.

4. Kim Kardashian Is An Idiot: If you’ve watched the entire season of Kourtney and Kim Take Miami with drool coming out of your mouth like me … then you’ve seen Kim and her blurred out nipples getting spray tanned every other day. Not just getting spray tanned … but getting layers and layers and layers of spray tanning. Turns out, there is no need to get layers of spray tan to make you darker. One layer of tan, with the right color suggested, will give you the perfect color … like I did. So Kim, maybe you should fire your fancy in-home spray tan specialist and hire Adrienne … just sayin’. I can’t image huffing spray tanning fumes is good for you either… organic smorganic.

5. Tans Don’t Just Fall Off: People think spray tans can melt off, slide off, run away without leaving a goodbye note. Nope. Let me bring it back to freshman year science class for a sec. Your skin is made up of cells. So in essence, you’re getting your cells spray tanned (ew … mental image). So when those cells die, they, along with their fierce spray tan, will fall off … making you pale once again. So you have to put effort into making those cells stay alive by moisturizing, for the love of God, with baby products. Powders, oils … yes … baby products. In my mind they may be cheaper, but I am in no way shape or form a momma, so who the hell knows.

6. No Fist Pumps or Hair Poofs: I didn’t leave Baked Jersey Shore-style … but God forbid you do … nail polish remover may be your best friend. Sometimes your ankles, knuckles, knee caps may get a little darker, and if that happens rub a little nail polisher remover over those areas and you’ll be good as gold. OR a lemon and sugar rinse will do the trick, if you’re an “all-natural” type of person.

I gotta say … this is by far the best spray tanning experience I’ve EVER had. I’m going on week two and I still have a nice, natural glow still (but I also made sure to keep my cells hydrated). And unfortunately, Kim Kardashian is a dirty liar … I did NOT feel 10 pounds lighter, but I did get a massive boost of confidence from it. I didn’t feel the need to wear as much makeup and I just felt healthier. A great self-esteem boost if you need a little pick-me-up.

And if you don’t live by Philly … I feel terrible for you, because I’m giving Adrienne and Baked Tanning my massive, shiny, unicorn sparkle stamp of approval for all fabulous ladies out there that need a pick-me-up. Not only is she a ridiculously talented spray tanner, but most importantly is no bullshit and will give you a service that will make you glow from inside and out.

So to Adrienne, I thank you so much for hooking me up so I don’t look like I’m an extra on the set of True Blood as well as taking the time to explain the fine art of how to get a beautiful and long lasting spray tan. Aaaaaaand I may be back in the next week … I’m starting to look like Casper again … ah!

Top 10 Guilty Pleasures … Do You Dabble?

April 4, 2013.Reading time 6 minutes.

As I lay face down in my overflowing sea of caramel and marshmallow bunny rabbits … I can’t help but think about my guilty pleasures in life. You know … those things that may or may not be good for you, but are too satisfying to not indulge. Like … laying face down in a pile of Easter candy wrappers … not that I am … or … anything … :::coughs, wipes caramel away from corner of mouth inconspicuously:::

We all have them, we all love them … so why not chat about the things that make us feel secretly fantastic, right?

Behold ladies and the five gents that are reading this, my guilty pleasures in life, ahem …

1. Wearing Red Lipstick for No Reason: Whether I’m writing or just doing a whole lot of nothing, sometimes putting on some red lipstick turns a “blah” day into a special day. Sure, if anyone saw me randomly walking around my house by myself talking to my cat wearing red lipstick would say I’m one step away from becoming the crazed cat lady from the Simpsons … but it makes me feel good, alright?

2. Drinking Wine Whilst Eating Chocolate: If you are looking for a slice of heaven … come home from work one day, pour yourself a healthy glass of vino, get some M&Ms, or your chocolate or choice, and indulge. There truly is nothing more satisfying … well, I’m sure there is … but if you need a quick, relaxing fix … go to town on this one.

3. Laying on my Couch Watching Bravo and Drooling: This keeps me sane. When I need to tune out the world, relax, and not think, I get in my favorite sweats, plant myself on my couch and get lost in botoxed rich bitches screaming at each other. When I end up drooling, I know my mission of decompression has been completed. (Seriously how hawt am I?)

4. Instagramming Like a Bawwwwssss: Have you ever seen something really cool and said to yourself quietly, “I’m gonna Instagram the shit out that”? Oh yeah … no? Cool … me either :::Shifty eyes, backs away slowly::: Fine … my name is Kate and I’m addicted to Instagram (@LifeSucksInAStraplessBra follow along with me, please!)

5. Singing “What’s Up” By the 4 Non Blondes Really Loudly In My Car: And I said … HEEEEEEEEEY YEAAAAAA YEAAAAA YEAAAA EH EHHHH, HEEEEEEEEEEEY YEA YEAAAAAAAAA, I said HEY! AAAAA WHAT’S GOIN’ ON?! You should drive past me, I really put on a really fantastic show because I think I can sing … in my car … only.

6. Picking My Nail Polish Off: Okay, not an attractive quality, I get it … especially since doing this leaves me with crack head nails, but it is beyond satisfying, especially if you just need to zone out from stress. Of course afterwards I always say to myself, “dammit, why did I just do that!” but at the time it was worth it, that is what matters.

7. Changing Something About My Appearance: Hey remember the time I dyed my hair ombre … myself? Yeah … sometimes when I’m trying to get over something or get ridiculously bored … I get this violent urge to change something about myself. And it always makes me feel fantastic. Even if my hair doesn’t turn blonde but a weird shade of brownish-red, I consider it a win.

8. Pretending I’m A Bad Ass: Apart of me wants to hate people who wear sunglasses indoors, especially whilst shopping. Another part of me wants to slow clap them. Listen, sometimes when I go out in public I don’t want to see an-y-one. Oversized shades give me an opportunity to have a “Big Daddy” moment where I can act invisible. It is kind of genius, right? So if you see me wearing sunglasses out in public, in a store, chances are I don’t want to chat with you.

9. Pinning Before Bed: Some people say their prayers before they go to bed, I pin. Not only is it soothing … it is inspiration. I rarely know what I’m going to wear the next morning … so looking at some fab outfits gives me more time to hit snooze and less time to ponder what the hell I’m going to put on my bod.

10. Impulsively Buying Makeup At The Drugstore: Who hasn’t walked into a drugstore for tissues or tampons and found themselves in the makeup department randomly buying lip gloss or foundation. How could you not when beauty commercials leave taglines in your head like, “Get the London Look.” I’ll walk past the Rimmel London section and all of a sudden find myself saying, ummm hell YES, Georgia May Jagger, I want the London look! $50 later I have a bag full of random makeup that I don’t need and a box of tampons.

So since I spilled the beans … now I need to know … what are your guilty pleasures?

My Day With Ombre

March 27, 2013.Reading time 8 minutes.

Perhaps it was boredom. Perhaps it was curiosity. Perhaps it was my desire taking over me to do something “edgy.” Who the hell knows. But L’Oreal’s Ombre in a box called to me … and yes friends, I answered.

Now I didn’t just go into Target, spot the product and say, “oh yeah … let’s fiddle with some bleach on my very processed, overly straightened hair.” No, absolutely not. Mama did her research. I watched the YouTube video reviews … which, gotta say … I kind of regret. 1. The girls are 85% super annoying, all focused on being Rachel Zoe and looking super maj in front of the camera and not focused on the important things like, oh I don’t know … how to use it perhaps (not all … but most). 2. They all put these fears in my head, like, “OMG her hair turned bleach blonde after 45 minutes, must not leave it on that long. Lesson Number 1 that I learned: Everyone has different hair. Just because the girl reviewing has long dark brown hair like you, doesn’t mean she is you. This was the best video I watched, which of course came straight from the L’Oreal source, because they show you how to apply the product properly. God knows if that is even a real hair stylist. They could have found a hobo on the street, glammed him up and gave him a French accent for all I know. Regardless, very informative, and very necessary before you apply.

So then it was time to take the plunge. There is something really exciting, fun and terrifying about dying your hair a new color that I love. Once the color was mixed, I dropped my first layer of hair down and applied the dye to the nifty little application brush (the black thing seen in the photo to the right), which rocks at first. But word to the wise, you HAVE to make sure you hair isn’t the slightest bit tangled, otherwise it will get ripped out, you’re been warned. The reason I wasn’t really down with the application brush is because I found you had to put a lot of dye on the brush, and by the time I got to my ends, I really had to brush hard to get all of the dye on your hair. The brush is deep so all the dye goes straight to the bottom, making it a bit tricky to get it all out. But Lesson Number 2 that I learned: Slow the eff down. I’m always in a mad rush to the next thing. And while dying my hair, it is like someone is threatening me with a knife telling me to get it done as fast as possible or I will get cut. I have this sick fear that if I don’t rush, some hair will be all sorts of different colors and I will have to spend the rest of the day in the fetal position crying, “WHY??!?!” (probably why I should leave it to the professionals, huh).

And then began the waiting game. The rules are you wait 25 minutes, and with your gloves, remove some of the dye from your ends to see if your hair is as light as you would like. If it isn’t, apply more and check it in 5 minutes … and continue for up to 45 minutes. Do you know how insane it is for a girl with dark brown hair to sit patiently as blonde starts invading the darkness? Umm hello? I paced, I ate Starbursts, I stared at myself in the mirror for waaaaay too long, I made shoe art and Instagrammed it, I texted people freaking out, I paced some more … I mean, the clock couldn’t move slower. So after 25 minutes, I checked … wait … oh right. The dye is extremely hard to remove with gloves to see if your hair is “light enough.” I don’t know what that hobo turned glam French stylist was thinking. But I could tell that the back of my hair was getting lighter than the front, so I said screw it and applied more. I waited 5 more minutes, checked again. Still nothing. Hmph. I applied more. Waited. And all the while, that YouTube chick danced in my head like, “OMG my hair definitely turned a bit lighter than expected … uuuhhh whoops,” with a devastated look on her face that I couldn’t shake. She had left it on for the full 45 minutes. When I got to 30 minutes, I dove head first into the shower. Aaaaaaaaaaand ::::fade to black:::

I bet you are just DYING to know the results, right? Like so curious? Well … Lesson Number 3 that I learned: I will never be blonde. I think my hair repels it, to tell you the truth. I don’t have a drop of blonde on my head right now, but instead I have this like reddish, lighter brown ombre thing happening, which I don’t hate, but the part that kills me … no one has even noticed, hmph. I just wanted to be “edgy” DAMMIT! The experience was definitely, “MEH.” And man did it do a number to the ends of my hair. Even using the conditioning shampoo that it comes with, I have this scarecrow hair from the Wizard of Oz thing going on that I’m not too fond of. But that’s what you get for using any sort of bleach-product I suppose.

Any who am I regretting this decision immediately? No. Am I bummed that I got less than mediocre results? Hell yes. Would I recommend? Of course, refer back to Lesson Number 1. Listen, I would rather do an experiment for $8 than have a stylist do it for $100, ya dig? Now excuse me while I go make an appointment with my colorist so she can get me back to normal espresso brown … a thank you very much.

Ps. What is up with the chick’s hair on the ombre box? Seriously … they couldn’t find a better model with ombre hair? Because that ain’t cute, L’Oreal … no one in their right mind wants to look like that.

Things I Don’t Have The Balls To Do

January 10, 2013.Reading time 6 minutes.

It has taken me a long time to turn into the person I am today. There was a time where I barely spoke, let alone have the nerve to write a blog post with the word “balls” in it (sorry family). I’m finally at the point in my life where I’m like kind of okay with pushing boundaries … kind of. But there is one thing I still just CANNOT do …

… and that is walk out of my house without a drop of makeup on.

I know, I know … what the HELL is wrong with me, right? I thought, maybe I should go to a therapist, figure out what the core of this issue is. Perhaps I secretly hate myself? Maybe it stems from years of repressed teenage rage? Or is it that I’ve come to find makeup as the mask I use to hide behind society and all of its pure evils!

Nope … here is what’s up. A. I love makeup. I love the way it looks, feels, smells … I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT :::kicks legs up in the air::: And B. I look a hot mess without it. For serious. I’m not one of those girls that walks out of the shower all dewy (ps. I loathe that word, why did I just use it) and fresh, ready to take on the world. Oh hell no. Those Neutrogena commercials are bullshit. My skin, pre-airbrushed, ain’t perfect, to say the least. Blotchy spots, blemishes, and dry skin for days. Woof.

Yes, moisturizer is my bestie. But even if I lather on the cream, it still doesn’t make me instantaneously human being-friendly. My skin may be hydrated, but the blotchy, blemish bullshit is still very much present. Only now my skin looks super glossy … ick … sick, not sexy.

But there are a few instances where you will see me leave my house sans makeup:

1. If I’m Legit Sick (like I was this week): I could care less if my face makes you want to run in a cave and hide for the rest of your life. I honestly feel bad for my doctor and the people I come across in his office, because that man only sees me when I’m like a stage 5 hot mess. I’m like the Queen of all hot messes out there. But you know what, I could care less. When I’m that sick, a parade of ex-boyfriends could strut through his office and I still wouldn’t give a shit. I’m lucky if I’m not drooling on myself at that point.

2. If I’m Super Glow-Fab Tan: Perfectly sun-kissed skin doesn’t need makeup. Maybe a pop of mascara, but besides that … I’m going to rock out with the free bronzer, yo.

3. If There Is An Emergency: If someone is in the hospital, if someone needs my help, if on the face scale of pain you say you are at a 10 where the smiley face doesn’t even look like a smiley face anymore because it is wincing so badly … yes, I will drop everything, including my makeup bag, and run to you.

4. From The Shower To My Makeup Table: I’ll be makeup-free in that like five-minute window, so if you are that desperate to see me without … try to catch me then.

5. When I Sleep: I don’t sleep with makeup on … soberly. I believe it speeds up the aging process and I’m trying to look like I’m in my 20’s forevah-evah. So I am very diligent about removing it before bedtime and applying expensive anti-aging (it’s best to start now) … unless I’m drunk. You have a better chance of seeing me make out with Justin Timberlake than me actually taking off my makeup before bed whilst under the influence of vodka. Either way, I’m waking up looking a hot mess.

So there you have it. I am confident enough to admit that makeup for me is a comfort blanket of some sort. Without it I absolutely feel naked, and even worse, I have less swagger, if you will.

At the end of the day, we want to give into trends and all this ridiculously expensive beauty nonsense to make our swagger that much stronger. A good bag of makeup that makes your feel beautiful has the power to change your whole day. And a good day can change your whole world … trust me, that’s all it takes.

Anxiety In The Makeup Department

January 6, 2013.Reading time 7 minutes.

2013 is here and I don’t know about you, but I get the urge to revamp every aspect of my life this time of year. I feel empowered to work harder, try new things, get healthy (although I am not one of those diet-obsessed/gym membership-crazed freaks), and really just get the urge to start kicking ass and taking names. It feels amazing … even if I know it may or may not last.

But I also find myself VERY bored with my overall appearance. I’m literally yawning at myself in the mirror. I feel like my hair style hasn’t changed since early 2002, which concerns me. Have you ever seen those women with the hairstyles from the 1980’s who think they look absolutely smashing, but clearly are unaware of the fact that 20 years have passed? Am I that person now?! Are ” the kids” laughing at me saying like, “wow, nice straight hair from 2002, granny!” Eek!

So I had an Ulta gift card burning a hole in my pocket, and thought why not start revamping my look with some new glam-a-lam. There were two definite things I ran out of that I needed, but besides that I had an open mind. When I got there, I had extreme makeup ADD. My mind was literally going, “oh Stila, but wait … Smashbox lip glosses?! OMG stop … Bare Minerals … ahhh!” Like I could NOT focus for the life of me.

In essence … here is why I cannot shop in stores that strictly just sell beauty products.

1. The pretty colors distract me: I know, I’m five. But seriously, the way the makeup lines are set up with all the pretty colors and containers exposed makes it extremely difficult for me to focus on one thing. I’m like jumping from lip glosses to shadows to different brands to hair dryers in seconds. Not only that it’s like lip glosses, eye shadows, nail polishes, hair styling tools, spa items, bags, hair accessories … like my sweet Jesus … enter anxiety attack stage left.

2. Idiots Work There: I mean no disrespect and I’m not saying ALL people that work in these stores are idiots, but if you are working in a department that sells $40 lip glosses … you should probably know a thing or two about A. customer service and B. the product itself. I was clearly wandering around like a lost fool in front of these two sales associates today who were having a really vibrant conversation about their college experience and what they wanted to do with their lives. “:::twirls hair::: Like I have a broadcasting degree … but like, you can’t really do a lot with it, so I’m just here for now until I figure something else out.” Seriously, that’s fantastic and all … I’m glad your educated, but mama needs help picking out products. Help a sista out, for the love of God! They didn’t even acknowledge me, and I really didn’t want to ask their opinions because I just had this inkling that they would turn me into Snooki. And yeah … no.

3. Brand Overload: We all have brands that we are loyal to for one reason or another, but like I said … new year, time to branch out a little. But how do you know what is good and what isn’t? Sure, you can read all the reviews and ask for opinions … but at the end of the day everyone’s skin and style is different, so really you are forced to just test products blindly. No offense, but buying a $20 eye liner without knowing for a fact that I am going to adore it doesn’t seem too appealing to me. They blind us with brand bling … yet I have no guarantees.

4. The Necessities: I went into Ulta for two products, but had an open mind for some new thangs. I found myself torn between what I needed and what I wanted. I wanted to try out a dark red lipstick, but I needed new gold-ish eye shadow because I knew I was going to run out shortly. I wanted the cool new colors from Smashbox, but needed a new Mascara. Hence why I was walking around the department like a lost fool. The stylish angel on my shoulder was pushing me one way while the saucy devil on the other was trying to get me to do bad things.

5. I’m Super Cheap: The beauty behind Sephora is that they don’t give you the “cheaper” option. They are literally like too f-ing bad … we have high-end brands and if you must go slightly cheaper, we have the Sephora brand for you … which is still kind of pricy. But with Ulta you have one side full of glitzy, higher-end brands, and then the classic Revlon, Almay, Covergirl, etc. on the other side. So when I find a $20 designer eye shadow and fall in love with it … I end up going to the other side to go find it for cheaper. That’s just how I roll.

So there ya have it. I literally didn’t step out of my makeup comfort zone because I got so overwhelmed by all of the above. Sigh … damn you Ulta … you’ve won this one.

Turning Makeup Chaos Into Makeup Sense

August 30, 2012.Reading time 6 minutes.

I’m a notorious pack rat. I save every little tiny piece of everything to have a “memory.” And according to the shelf on top of my closet, I have far too many memories to store since I risk a box of Hallmark cards from 1995 falling on my head and giving me a concussion every time I enter my closet. It is not just keepsakes that I hang on to … oh no. Makeup hoarding a whole ‘nother hoarding issue to deal with.

Check out Exhibit A. to the left. Yes, that is a Nordstrom bag pretty much filled with makeup that I tossed after going on a violent cleaning rampage whilst listening to the Blueprint III. I basically use five or six products on my face every day. Maybe seven if I’m putting my fancy pants on for the night. So I thought to myself, why in Jesus Christ’s name do I have a horrific drawer filled to the brim with nonsense that I never use, making it hard for me to track down the makeup I actually want to apply, which in turn makes me late.

It wasn’t just makeup that was filling my makeup drawer with chaos, it was excess nonsense that was turning my drawer into the land of cray-cray. Eye liner shavings, caps from God only knows what, three bottles of red nail polish, all old as hell, all half empty (#problems), my hair (yes, I straighten my hair at my vanity, which is where my makeup drawer is … and I shed like a mofo), boxes from makeup I’ve purchased and never thrown out, old razors (yeah, I know … I questioned that one too), black powder (I’m hoping it was eye shadow and that someone was not trying to poison me secretly) … and so much other ridiculous crap.

So if you feel like your makeup drawer is like the cave of wonders holding nonsense you could do without, learn how I transformed my makeup drawer, Exhibit A to the left, by asking myself the following questions … ahem:

1. Have you worn this in the past month? If not, toss.

2. Was it expensive? Doesn’t really matter if you haven’t worn it in the past month, toss.

3. Is this a color/product you have been holding out on to because you need time to experiment with it but haven’t gotten around to it? Toss … you’ll never get around to it if you haven’t already.

4. Are you just saving this makeup for a “what if” scenario? Have you been saving it since college? Toss … if a “what if” pops up there is an Ulta/Sephora on almost every corner next to all Starbucks now.

5. Is it absolutely disgusting to the point that it creeps you out to even touch. Toss!

6. Are you just saving it because it is a cute sample size and makes you happy. Toss … and for the love and get a therapist while you’re at it.

7. Do you have 17 of the same product … all half empty (like my mascara issue)? Toss it ALL and start fresh, unless they are different brands.

8. Do you find yourself collecting said item (like me and my empty bottles of perfume)? Who has room for that kind of shit … toss!

9. Are you just hanging on to shitty makeup brushes so it looks like you have numerous different kinds like the experts tell you to? TOSS … shitty brushes don’t count.

10. Are you saving all this shitty, old makeup so it looks like you have an overflowing drawer? Toss it all. Christ, less is more when it comes to makeup. Quality over quantity. No one is ever going to look at your makeup drawer expect you and maybe your roommates, significant other, and/or best friends once in a blue moon. All people who will not care if you have 10 really great makeup products over 100 old, probably useless and outdated ones.

And after asking myself the above 10 questions, behold Exhibit B, my makeup drawer of perfection! Sure it looks bare, but having the chaos eliminated is truly amazing. Do you understand how genius it is to put my hand in my makeup drawer and not pull it out to discover a weird powder or liquid on it!? Ah-mazing.

I suggest all makeup drawer owners to ask yourself those 10 questions. Coming from a girl who has a makeup hoarding issue and literally had makeup from her college years (yes … college … I won’t date myself by saying how long ago that was) and was keeping it for the “what if” factor making my makeup drawer look like swamp thing, you can do it. I have faith in you. Turn on the Blueprint III and get to business. Less is more and remember, this is your face and body. Take care of it properly!

Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra

Tag: Beauty