Again, feel free to throw shit at your screen after you read the next statement I’m about to write, but I’m not the biggest Beyonce fan. Do I like her music? Do I whip my hand back and forth drunkenly? Umm I have a vagina … duh.
So when I heard about this “Lemonade” nonsense, I was kind of like, “meh, I’ll watch it when I can watch it.” But luckily I stayed with a friend this weekend who would skin and wear Beyonce if she could, so we ended up watching it together.
It went a little something like this:
Hmm this is a creepy … I’m into it.
What is going on?
Did Jay Z cheat on Beyonce?!
Is that Solange?!
OMG DID JAY Z CHEAT ON BEYONCE?!!
IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!
HOLY SHIT JAY Z CHEATED ON BEYONCE AND NOW SHE IS DESTROYING THE WORLD
WHAT IS HAPPENING?!
MY BRAIN JUST EXPLODED.
And so on and so forth.
But guys … this is the “You Oughta Know” of our generation. Except it isn’t about weird Joey from Full House (still grosses me out), it’s about JAY mother fucking Z.
We’ve all had our hearts broken. And if you haven’t well, goody gum drops from you, “Miss Perfection.” But normal human women have gotten burned once or twice. Hey … it has happened to me … recently.
And you know what I wanted to do? The jilted bitch I only let live in the corner of my brain wanted to buy cans of spray paint and stain the city with “[name of idiot] is a heartless douche.” But I don’t act on these things. Because I like to consider myself a sane individual.
But Beyonce took all of those satisfying fantasies we’ve all had about getting revenge on our ex’s and turned them into a beautiful piece of musical art. The jilted bitch that lives in the corner of my brain was finally satisfied. She did it all for us. All of the awful things we’ve wanted to do to our version of “Becky with the good hair.”
So next time when an idiot burns you and breaks your heart, just turn on Lemonade and be like “THIS, jackass, THIS IS FOR YOU. THIS IS WHY YOU ARE AN AWFUL INDIVIDUAL. Boom.”
Thank you, Beyonce, thank you for saying all of the things a lot of us didn’t have the balls to say when our hearts have been torn to shreds. Because even though it would be the most satisfying act in the world to strut down the street smashing his shit to pieces… our society really doesn’t make it easy to be a woman who is jealous OR crazy.
Instead … we gotta rise up. It just makes it a lot easier to do so when Lemonade is in the world.