Why Holiday Sales Are The Absolute Worst

6a00e54efdf1128833014e88ff7927970dIf you’re anything like me you’re still in a food coma, craving a deliciously healthy salad for lunch, and have contemplated taking a long break from alcohol. Yep. The Monday following Thanksgiving is the worst. 

But you know what takes the cake for being the absolute worst, though? Black Friday. And not just Black Friday, but Black Friday weekend followed by “Cyber Monday.” I never partake in Black Friday shenanigans simply because seeing people lose their shit over 20% off sales makes me highly uncomfortable.

This year, though, I accidentally ventured out, and on my way to a relaxing pedicure thought to myself, “hmm why is Walnut Street in Philly so crowded?” And then my heart sank on the sidewalk as some sale hungry woman shoved me out of the way as I remembered, “IT’S. BLACK. FRIDAY.” 

Instead of going underground and seeking shelter, I had a “when in Rome,” moment, took a deep breath and entered H&M simply because I’m a jewelry whore and needed a new statement necklace. And guess what? I survived. 

So I took another deep breath and entered Zara … which looked like they had just made an announcement that in an hour there was going to be no more clothes available, ever, in the entire world. People were like hanging from the rafters. Well not really, but you get the picture. So I folded.

While I did not become a Black Friday convert, after spending some time out with the Black Friday shoppers, I believe I have pinpointed why it is the absolute worst … 

The heat: it’s funny, in casinos they pump in fresh, cold air to keep people awake and wanting to waste more of their hard earned money on slots. Yet, in the stores, even though it was a balmy 65 degrees out, it was like the tropics. Making me want to faint and vomit all at the same time.

The unnecessary attitudes: I witnessed an older woman bark at every person who walked past the line to check out that, “THERE WAS ONE LINE! ONE. LINE!” And God dammit it started back there! BACK THERE, I SAY! Of course, every time she did this, she felt the need to turn around to me and give me a look like, “can you believe these people?!” Why do these freaks always find me?

The careless shoppers: you know them. The ones at the register that are like, “this dress is only $10!? Shit, I’m going to go grab 10 more!” Leaves the cashier, takes 10 hours to grab 10 more, and holds the damn line up. And then comes back like, “oh well … didn’t have my size!” Meanwhile the line to checkout is now wrapped around the store five times. Cool. 

Unnecessary noise: why (:::cough:::, Mac cosmetics ::::cough:::) do you feel like hiring a DJ that plays loud, obnoxious rave music that is just different octaves of “UNTZ, UNTZ, UNTZ” is an effective way to bring in shoppers? Because this is always what happens…

Shopper: CAN I HAVE THE MATTE BRONZER, PLEASE!

Sales person: WHAT? :::untz … untz … untz:::

Shopper: THE. MATTE. BRONZER.

Sales person: HOLD.

:::Comes back with a red lipstick::::

Shopper: NO I SAID MATTE … YOU KNOW WHAT … fuck this I’m leaving.

I could go on but that would just be irritating for all parties involved. This holiday season, treat the people working at these stores like human beings. They don’t own the store you are shopping in. Nor do they have control over the fact that what you want is sold out. They are just trying to make a living so they too can enjoy their holidays. So stop being assholes. That’s all I ask. ‘Tis the season, right? 

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More Turkey, Less Shopping

thanksgiving-ann-sheridan-thecarveI’ve never understood the people who looked forward to the Black Friday madness. My first job was at Burlington Coat Factory when I was 16, and I remember having to work in the “coat department” on Black Friday, and quitting the next day.

Over the years, Black Friday has been taking steroids, my friends, to the point where it is now allowing stores to be opened ON Thanksgiving. I get the family traditions of eating dinner then taking a little cat nap, then heading out for the best deals at midnight … kind of. It’s cute, it’s tradition. Whatever. My family was too busy being in food comas and figuring out if one more piece of pie would push us over the edge to give a shit about awesome deals.

But what I don’t think people understand is that it takes human beings to open slash run these stores on Thanksgiving. People that have to deal with your crazy ass stampedes and tantrums and disgusting fights to get the best flat screen deal in the whole entire universe (which ps, it probably isn’t … shhh). People that either don’t get to spend Thanksgiving with their families, or have to leave mid-chocolate cream pie bite (my go-to Thanksgiving dessert) to head out to work. And you know what, that straight up sucks. To ask these people to for-go eating turkey for fear of a tryptophan coma that could inhibit their work is just cruel.

I’m starting a blog slow clap for Massachusetts, Maine and Rhode Island for establishing laws that tell retailers they absolutely cannot open on Thanksgiving and to shut their greedy mouths. Why can’t we be more like these states, other states, huh? And let’s include Nordstrom in this slow clap, because they, too are closed on Thanksgiving, AND not only that, but they premiere their store holiday decorations ON Black Friday. Not like in the death rattle of Halloween like some stores. I personally only consider it “the holidays” after I’ve digested my turkey and it is officially 12am on Black Friday. So to wake up to a beautifully decorated store on Black Friday, which Nordstrom knocks out of the park every year, I gotta say is a breath of fresh air.

Do you know there are ACTUAL malls fining stores for not opening on Thanksgiving. It’s called “Walden Galleria” in upstate New York, and I imagine it to look like this:

haunted-house

Talk about Thanksgiving-branded Scrooge. Macy’s, an American establishment, a way of life for fashion, is one of these horrid stores opening on Thanksgiving, which thoroughly shocked me. There’s no “magic of giving” in that way of life, Macy’s. Just sayin’.

I get it, a good sale is a good sale. I am the first one to throw up an amazing deal I scored all over social media. But I refuse to stand behind any retailer opening on Thanksgiving, refuse, and I hope you stand with me on this. Guess what kids, it ain’t like the old days where retailers save their mind blowing, Oprah-favorite-things audience member mind-blowing sales for just Black Friday. There’s a thing called Cyber Monday, and, oh yeah, genius discount sites that have amazing deals all-day, err-day. And, oh yeah, retailers are SO desperate for your money that they have awesome sales ALL throughout the holiday. So chill the fuck out.

Listen, Thanksgiving is about eating way too much, drinking copious amounts of wine, being with your loved ones, and being thankful for the life you lead, no matter what kind of life that is. Not to go ape shit over $5 t-shirts at Old Navy. I mean come on, it’s gross. You HAVE to admit. So slow your roll, eat ya turkey, and the deals will be there bright and early on Black Friday morning with all of the other crazy bastards out shopping.