A Few Words On Black Friday

I literally couldn’t bring myself to go to a mall today. I absolutely needed to, but couldn’t do it. Why? Well, plain and simple I was scared of sale freaks. The freaks that sat in tents on Thanksgiving weekend outside of malls all over the United States to get the greatest deals. I apologize if you were one of those people, but that kind of behavior freaks me out. Don’t get me wrong, I die for a good deal myself … but not when I am in a full-blown food coma … AND A Very Gaga Thanksgiving was on (Ps. that was ABSOLUTELY fantastic, watch it if you didn’t!)

So here are my top five reasons for me being over joyed that Black Friday is almost over. Now we can just go back to normal, holiday shopping chaos … thank the Gods.

1. No More God Awful, Annoying Ads: Okay, maybe some of them were creative and fantastic, like the Target ads … very well done Target. That woman in red, pretty much making fun of every crazed, pill popping Black Friday shopper was genius. Kohl’s on the other hand. Every time I heard your rendition of “It’s Black Friday, Black Friday, Black Friday” by that annoying so and so from YouTube made me want to punt my television slash radio EVERY single time it came on. Seriously, my ears bled. The next time I heard that ad would be too soon. Die.

2. Black Friday Myths: I literally don’t go to stores because of hearing stories that people heard from people who heard from other people, perhaps I’m a fool for doing so. “Oh my God, Jody told me that when she was at the Gap, this woman jumped on one of the sweater tables and started throwing sweaters up in the air because they were buy 2, get one free … but they didn’t have any sizes left.” Seriously, I bet the mall isn’t THAT bad, but people hype it up so much that you don’t even want to go near the place. Hell, I don’t even want to be in the same city. I’m thinking because of nonsense like this, stores may or may not have lost money … just sayin’.

3. Black Friday Crack: It is like when the turkey and stuffing kind of digests … crack starts flowing through the veins of the American public and starts making them crazed. I really don’t know what it is. Perhaps people at the turkey farms inject crack into the turkeys, so when we eat them, we get the crack in our systems that makes us want to punch people and be extremely rude the minute we enter a store. Settle people, the nonsense you are looking for will be there … it always has been. Perhaps it just won’t have 2 God damn dollars off though. I mean for the love …

4. The Juice Might Not Be Worth The Squeeze: People hear “sale” and they immediately think, holy lord, if I don’t get this one item for this price, I will most certainly spontaneously combust. Here’s my rule, unless it is at least 50% off and there is a guarantee that I won’t have to body slam some other shopper to get the last one, than hell yes I will go and purchase it. Otherwise, my bed is calling … sorry sale. You lose, you always do.

5. Greedy, Evil Shoppers: I hate people, especially people in stores and malls in general. You know the ones in a crowded aisle when you have a cart, and there is a cart traffic jam and they have to huff and puff while saying, “UM, EXCUSE ME,” in the sharpest, most evil spirited way possible, while you move and they give you a look that could probably kill. So therefore, when they get the turkey crack and fiend for sales like a vampire fiends for human blood … I want to be nowhere near these crazy bastards. It disturbs me that people ACTUALLY get physically hurt from Black Friday shopping due to crazy bitches going nuts over getting that ONE item for their kid. There are herds of people, you get pushed, shoved, oxygen levels are low, it is hotter than hell … and so on, I could honestly go on for days. It is all nonsense, seriously … there is no reason to treat people with disrespect in general, let alone over a silly sale!

So there it is … good riddens one day of the year that makes people with money in their pockets go bonkers. Me, on the other hand, I enjoyed sleeping in my bed all day … ha ha.

More Turkey, Less Shopping

thanksgiving-ann-sheridan-thecarveI’ve never understood the people who looked forward to the Black Friday madness. My first job was at Burlington Coat Factory when I was 16, and I remember having to work in the “coat department” on Black Friday, and quitting the next day.

Over the years, Black Friday has been taking steroids, my friends, to the point where it is now allowing stores to be opened ON Thanksgiving. I get the family traditions of eating dinner then taking a little cat nap, then heading out for the best deals at midnight … kind of. It’s cute, it’s tradition. Whatever. My family was too busy being in food comas and figuring out if one more piece of pie would push us over the edge to give a shit about awesome deals.

But what I don’t think people understand is that it takes human beings to open slash run these stores on Thanksgiving. People that have to deal with your crazy ass stampedes and tantrums and disgusting fights to get the best flat screen deal in the whole entire universe (which ps, it probably isn’t … shhh). People that either don’t get to spend Thanksgiving with their families, or have to leave mid-chocolate cream pie bite (my go-to Thanksgiving dessert) to head out to work. And you know what, that straight up sucks. To ask these people to for-go eating turkey for fear of a tryptophan coma that could inhibit their work is just cruel.

I’m starting a blog slow clap for Massachusetts, Maine and Rhode Island for establishing laws that tell retailers they absolutely cannot open on Thanksgiving and to shut their greedy mouths. Why can’t we be more like these states, other states, huh? And let’s include Nordstrom in this slow clap, because they, too are closed on Thanksgiving, AND not only that, but they premiere their store holiday decorations ON Black Friday. Not like in the death rattle of Halloween like some stores. I personally only consider it “the holidays” after I’ve digested my turkey and it is officially 12am on Black Friday. So to wake up to a beautifully decorated store on Black Friday, which Nordstrom knocks out of the park every year, I gotta say is a breath of fresh air.

Do you know there are ACTUAL malls fining stores for not opening on Thanksgiving. It’s called “Walden Galleria” in upstate New York, and I imagine it to look like this:

haunted-house

Talk about Thanksgiving-branded Scrooge. Macy’s, an American establishment, a way of life for fashion, is one of these horrid stores opening on Thanksgiving, which thoroughly shocked me. There’s no “magic of giving” in that way of life, Macy’s. Just sayin’.

I get it, a good sale is a good sale. I am the first one to throw up an amazing deal I scored all over social media. But I refuse to stand behind any retailer opening on Thanksgiving, refuse, and I hope you stand with me on this. Guess what kids, it ain’t like the old days where retailers save their mind blowing, Oprah-favorite-things audience member mind-blowing sales for just Black Friday. There’s a thing called Cyber Monday, and, oh yeah, genius discount sites that have amazing deals all-day, err-day. And, oh yeah, retailers are SO desperate for your money that they have awesome sales ALL throughout the holiday. So chill the fuck out.

Listen, Thanksgiving is about eating way too much, drinking copious amounts of wine, being with your loved ones, and being thankful for the life you lead, no matter what kind of life that is. Not to go ape shit over $5 t-shirts at Old Navy. I mean come on, it’s gross. You HAVE to admit. So slow your roll, eat ya turkey, and the deals will be there bright and early on Black Friday morning with all of the other crazy bastards out shopping.