Style Stud Of The Week: Jill Kargman

4ffc3f405ab1e2d6ddccdb4321531270I never understood the people who would roll their eyes at the Real Housewives franchise and be all, “how can you watch this rubbish?!” To me it was an excuse to put my brain on the shelf and drool as I watch these fantastically rich women shop, eat, and bicker over meaningless drama. After a long annoying day, nothing is better than a little escape, am I right?

But it happened. Recently I had to turn off a Real Housewives of NY episode mid-way through because I couldn’t take it. I just can’t deal with eight women screaming at each other for a solid hour. When you feel like you need to pop a Xanax whilst watching a reality show … it means it is time to shut it down. 

So when my best friend mentioned to me how “Odd Mom Out“, a scripted show by Bravo, was actually entertaining, I had no other option than to give it a whirl. While I may have given up on the RHONY, I wasn’t about to give up on Bravo as whole. That is just crazy talk.

And that is when I met my new best friend (sorry current best friend), Jill Kargman. I want to shop with her. I want to drink with her. I want to make fun of people with her. I want to eat a whole baguette with her. I want to braid her hair (wait … what?). I didn’t even know there was this massive void in my life until I became one with this amazing show (by the way how creepy do I sound right now?).

As someone who loathes snobby people, is an eye rolling perfectionist, loves carbs, and wears all black all day errday … Jill Kargman, the star of Odd Mom Out, is now my soul sister. I’ve declared it. Anyone who has their outfit complimented by a gay man as, “it’s like Marc Jacobs had a threesome with Morticia Adams and Karl Lagerfeld’s angrogenous sister,” is destined to be my soul sister.

Not to mention her catchphrases are brilliant … some of which I’m working overtime trying to incorporate into my every day lexicon. I’ll only dazzle you with a few as I could go on forevski (stolen from Jill Kargman).

“Let’s get the check-oslovakia.”

“Thigh plus ass equals thass” 

“Donuts are just gay bagels.”

Listen … I know I usually premiere “Style Stud” of the week on Friday, but this is a “holiday” week and I make the rules up in this bitch, so I’m breaking them. Jill Kargman of Odd Mom Out, you are the Style Stud of the week on Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra, because you’re smart, stylish, bad ass, sarcastic, extraordinarily witty, and show women you don’t need to turn into a robot freak of nature only focused on kids and kid-related topics once you procreate. 

Cheers and let’s get cocktails, kay? 

Commercial Shame

Screen shot 2013-01-08 at 7.37.26 PMSo I have the Black Death that has infected most of the Northeast. Fever, stuffy nose, face feeling like it is going to fall off … weak, tired. It is the worst, especially when your doctor tells you what you have is viral and there is nothing you can do.

So I was told to rest, which I am AWFUL at (hi, I’m the worst patient). But I did find something to connect my ass to my couch, which was a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills marathon on Bravo, which is the holy grail of good TV when you are sick. I literally watched it from 3 p.m. to 9 p.m. (judge all you want … but I needed to see what was going to happen between Adrienne and Brandi … come on!)

And as I sat on my couch in my finest hobo gear (I could break mirrors when I’m sick), I couldn’t help but notice the depressing commercials that were shown on Bravo. Like yes, advertisers know who to target during what shows on certain channels, but seriously … for the love of Jesus, they were painting a grim picture.

Now these are just some of the commercials I saw on Bravo that made me question if I was “that woman” who was addicted to Bravo …

Previews for More Bravo Shows: Like lots of them. AKA you have no life and need these marathons and new idiotic shows to get you by. Don’t feel bad, I eat them up, too! Suck it, Bravo … you win! Lisa VanderSkank has her OWN SHOW!? Shut. UP! It is like candy. Hello … I mean I’m currently living vicariously through Kyle Richards on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Dating Sites: EHarmony.com, Match.com, Match mixers, BlackPeopleMeet.com … for the love of Jesus. We get it, new year … single people don’t want to be single. Duh. But there is such a thing as an “independent woman” who doesn’t need no mans :::z snap::: Flashing these commercials in between me seeing if a housewife bitch slapped another housewife as I run to get my 15th Diet Coke won’t do ANYTHING for me. Moving on.

FreeCreditScore: Ya broke? Because these fools will remind you. Ugh … Go. Away. The holidays are over … we may or may not have over done it with the credit card usage … who the hell wants to be spun into an anxiety attack when watching mindless drivel. Not this guy. Hence why I’m watching said mindless drivel.

Pet Smart Commercials: ALL the kitty ladies, ALL the kitty ladies, ALL the kitty ladies … now put your paws UP! Calling all cat ladies, there is something for you! Rar!  Now where did I put those dang cat treats … Chester is meowing again.

Vacations: Depressed? Lonely? Need to get away with your man, perhaps reignite that love flame? Go to Disney, Paradise Island and any other numerous exotic places they flash in your face. AKA making you hate your life even more and crave a vacation you probably can’t afford. Cool.

Insurance Commercials: I don’t really understand why they are emphasizing shit falling on cars and your house so much … but it really sucks. I’m trying to watch women who have 10 carat engagement rings and 15 Hermes bags here and ignore my stupid life, kay thanks. You don’t exist, car insurance.

Watchers of Weight: Jesus … okay we ALL put on a little extra weight during the holidays and if you say you didn’t you are a dirty liar. But do we need to be reminded every five seconds? “I lost 25 pounds with my hubby, I did the cooking and the calculating … blah blah blah” we-ing all over that bitch that not only makes you very aware that you are overweight … but single.

Oh and I love the crack rocks you can sprinkle on your food now to magically lose pounds. Oh and now they make orange juice with less sugar? What?! Isn’t OJ healthy to begin with?! These people are on drugs … do it the old-fashioned way ladies … the way YOU want … for YOU … with YOU … BY YOU! Tell that happy bitch who lost 25 pounds with her husband to suck it and eat a Snickers.

… and last, but certainly not least, …

Gordon’s Fisherman Fish Sticks Commercials: Umm … what? You’re single, broke … fat … so now we are turning to the creepy dude in the yellow fisherman’s coat? I would much rather starve to death. Eating fish sticks will NOT … and I repeat NOT bring all the boys to the yard.

So thanks, Bravo. We are over weight, lonely, single, broke, cat ladies, who eat Gordon’s fisherman sticks with bad credit that are in desperate need of a vacation. But you know what … sticks and stones, Bravo, because you have really good bad TV that soothes my soul when I’m sick.

Now excuse me … I just got sucked into the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Bye life as I once knew it.