I Wish I Were Britney Jean

britney-spears-tribute-largeSome of you may not be aware that I was once, slash still slightly obsessed with Britney Spears. But if you knew my 13-17 year old self, you would have met the ultimate Britney fan. I still have a soft spot in my heart for her, and I may or may not still know all of the moves to “Oops I Did It Again,” (guilty pleasure).

She was everything when I was a teen. She made me sign up for dance lessons, she made me want to wear crop tops and super, almost vagina-showing jeans, and I basically cried when I got the opportunity to see her perform in her Onyx Hotel tour (yeah, I was THAT guy … picture me in tears softly saying, “Brrrriitttnnneeeeyyyy … I love yoooouuuu.”)

And I can safely say, as a Britney fan, one of the darkest days was when the footage came out of her shaving her head and trying to beat a paparazzi down with a golf umbrella. That and her 2007 performance on the VMAs. Mortification station.

Even years and years … and years later, even though I’m not as much of a Britney fan as I once was, I still have, almost, all of her songs on my iPhone, and as a guilty pleasure like to throw them on and jam out like I am 13 years old again. Wouldn’t you just love to see my almost 27-year-old ass trying to bust out vintage Britney moves in the privacy of my bedroom …. no? That’s what I thought. Shut up … you do it, too, don’t lie.

So in honor of “I am Britney Jean” premiering on E! tonight, I would like to pay homage to all of the times I wanted to be Britney Jean. Enjoy my walk down Britney way:

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Britney’s 2000 VMA performance where she started singing the Stones’ “Satisfaction” in a suit and ended up in this sparkly number. Who DIDN’T want to be her at this moment.

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When B. turned into a fembot in Austin Powers 3. The best of two worlds colliding … I would call that a memorable moment.

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I mean she dated Justin Timberlake … and broke his heart so badly that he wrote an epic song about it. And just for the record I’m still convinced everything would be right in the world if they got back together. No more wars, no more poverty … Britney and Justin, make it happen.

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If I woke up one day with this body … I mean … I just wouldn’t even bother wearing clothing.

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What I happen to think may be one of the best half time specials at “the big game” (since no one is allowed to say the name of the ACTUAL game which rhymes with smuper shmohole). Aerosmith, N’Sync, Nelly and Britney … heaven.

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When she thought the old lady threw it in the ocean again. Excuse me, I can’t even write about this … I just need to express myself through the dance. “Oops. I. Did it again. I played with your heart (hand cupping heart up and down). Got lost in the game. OOH BABY BABY.)”

What’s your favorite Brit Brit moment?

Get Your Sexy On … Or Not

I may be the most non-sexy person on the planet. And I’m not saying that in an attempt to gain compliments, I’m being 100% factual. And you know what, I’m okay with that.

In life, there are the Scarlett Johansson’s of the world, and then there are the Tina Fey’s (ps. let me make this clear, Tina Fey is my girl. My dream is to one day wear matching PJ’s with sheep on them and nerd out in front of a table filled with delicious junk food and 30 Rock reruns with her. Tina, if you are reading this, first of all OMG Tina Fey is reading my blog, second of all … we’re both Philly girls, we both love junk food, we both adore writing, I mean why AREN’T we best friends should be the question at hand here). Expressing my admiration for Tina Fey … complete.

And if you are anything like me, when you are around a Scarlett Johansson-type woman, you feel this insane pressure to up the sexy ante, if you will. Am I right? You see how seamlessly they bring the boys to the yard just by sitting there and ordering a vodka and club, and maybe giggling here and there. All of a sudden you start to think, hell … I CAN DO THAT!

Wrong. Stop it. No you can’t.

But alas, you will try … and most likely fail. Behold, how you will try and fail at being sexy told by some of my all-time favorite ladies in the whole entire world that I absolutely idolize:

1. You decide after dinner to indulge in a little intellectual convo. Men love smart women. Smart is sexy. You put your fork down and start hitting all the important points. You sip on your wine, flip your hair back like the perfect gust of wind has just graced your presence when … something doesn’t feel right:et3o22

2. You hear attracting things to your mouth intrigues men, so you start applying lip gloss slowly. You roll the applicator over your pouty lips. You think your lip gloss is poppin’ and that everyone in the bar is ready and waiting to make out with you but instead … 40038926

3. You see the guy across the table from you cracking really bad jokes. When the Scarlett Johansson of the group laughs, every one of her perfect teeth sparkle, her smile brightens up the entire room. Angels cry with happiness. She looks like she should be the “after” in a Crest White Strips commercial. So you go for it, you laugh at the idiotic jokes, you feel the sexy protruding from your inner being … when maybe you’ve gone a little too far … http___makeagif.com__media_9-06-2013_8Kf_bL4. Alright, now it is time to bring it to the dance floor. If there is one thing you know how to do, it is bust a move. You start moving like a backup dancer for Britney Spears, flipping your hair back and forth like Cher is trying to possess you, waiting patiently for the swarm of eligible bachelors to start fighting for your attention when in reality …

KristinWiigDancingGif45. Screw dancing, who needs that when you can sip your drink seductively. You slowly bring the straw to your pouty lips, playfully biting it until you decide to take a big sip when

What I’m saying is sexy can’t be learned. You either gots it or you don’t. I’ve embraced the fact that I’ll never be this: scarlett-johansson

But instead a whole lot of fantastic this: SNL-saturday-night-live-388968_384_288

Dear MTV …

imagesOkay, I could sit here and write about how my eyes burned whilst watching Miley Cyrus hump teddy bears, or how she single-handedly ruined “Blurred Lines” for me forever, or how I was so tired of seeing the MTV camera only pan to Taylor Swift and her stupid face … but no, I refuse.

What I WOULD like to say is, what the eff, MTV?! Seriously. Want to know why I felt like I was 100 watching this spectacle even though I’m only 26? Because you don’t play music videos anymore. Not even a little bit. Instead you make up shows about slack-jawed yokels who get engaged to the “love of their life” via the Internet (ps. how does one even do that nowadays with the death of chat rooms? Seriously, am I right?!) and need some “dreamy” hipster to help them figure out, WHOOPS … that 5’10 bikini model you thought you were engaged to is actually a balding 55-year-old man who is bi-sexual with a foot fetish. Oh and my new fav is the commercial I saw for the show about more slack-jawed yokels on the road to figuring out if they are related. RELATED. Umm … come again?

Can I just say from age 12 to maybe two years ago, I worshiped the VMAs. Wanna know why? Good performances, actual shocking moments (One word: Madonna), not just Miley Cyrus jiggling her “ass” awkwardly in the face of a married man, and videos I was actually rooting for. The amount of money that these artists … well … record labels spend on these videos for NO ONE to see them unless you happen to be bored one day and say, “hey self … wonder what Drake did for his new music video,” and pull up YouTube is not only a travesty … but ridiculous.

The only thing that saved the show last night was JT. And I’m not just saying that because I die for him or want to marry him secretly, but because the guy is pure talent. You can say you hate him all you want and talk all the shit you would like, but deep down you know I’m right and you are probably juuuuuust a little jealous. Come on … admit it.

Sigh … MTV, listen. You are a channel that people in their 30’s and 40’s look back on with fond memories. In fact, I’m in my 20’s and look back with a smile as I recall running home from high school to catch TRL because Britney Spears was going to be on or Mariah Carey was going to make a mid-breakdown special appearance. Now … do kids REALLY get excited about shows like Awkward? Catfish? The freaking CHALLENGE?! Hi … those people weren’t really young even when I was a teenager, and yet they are still doing all these stupid stunts to win $25 thou. Cool.

I’m going to sound like I’m wearing a Talbots cardigan buttoned up to my neck, holding my Chanel quilted handbag close to my chest as my reading glasses dangle around my neck from a set of pearls (which I’m not … I’m actually pretty liberal) but … I’m really frightened for our youth. All I’m saying is, maybe, just maybe, stop trying to push the limits and maybe focus on setting an example for kids … show them art, show them music, show them expression. Don’t just teach them that one day, if you act a fool, you can be a reality star, too. And if not, well, those record labels should take the money they would spend on a fancy video and give it to a better place … like music/art programs for kids. Just sayin’ … because I really don’t want to be in my 30’s and 40’s shaking my fist at a bunch of 20-somethings just showing off that they are “adults yo” by twerking in an ill-fitting onesie with their tongues sticking out. Just sayin’ …

And scene.

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Leaving On A Jet Plane …

… okay maybe it is more like I’m hopping in my Chevy Cobalt and driving up the New Jersey Turnpike … but I feel like I just hit the jackpot on the Price is Right and won a new car or something … yes I am THAT excited to hike up the New Jersey Turnpike, judge away friends, because sometimes you just need to get the hell out of dodge and go on an adventure … and THAT is exactly what I’m doing.

So yes, I am taking a mini 2 1/2 day vacation (I’m pretty sure this doesn’t constitute a vacation, but it is much like wearing fake diamonds, if you believe hard enough that they are real, then so it is), or more like a research adventure for this here blog. Unfortunately that means I will not be posting again until Sunday, BUT if you dabble in the art of social networking, I will be live tweeting all of my adventures, so you can absolutely follow me @KEConcannon to see where the hell I am and what the hell I am doing (I just love staying connected).

So what the hell AM I doing?

1. Returning to my teenage years and seeing BRITNEY SPEARS! I saw her when I was 17 and cried because it was so amazing. She may be crazytown, but the girl rocks.

 

 

 

 

2. Cheating on my one true love Philly and heading into good ol’ Manhattan, my side piece. Hello lovah.

 

 

 

 

 

3. Walk walk, fashion baby … I will be going to MoMA for the first time to see the Alexander McQueen exhibit! EEEEEEE! First of all, as an art history minor in college, I’m a RIDICULOUS art nerd … so I may cry just being in this building. Ah, New York, art, fashion … does it get any better?

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.  Night out in NYC and reuniting with fantastic people who I’ve missed dearly.

 

 

 

 

 

5. Back to reality, probably with the “I need to move to NYC itch,” that I usually get after visiting.

See you Sunday!