It’s Friday The 13th, Kids!

Cher-with-Black-Cat-Dark-LadyToday I cannot stop singing, “Dark Lady,” by Cher. And if you don’t know what song I’m referring to, FOR SHAME, people, FOR SHAME. Seriously. Get it together. Life priorities. So before continuing on reading this marvelous post, please watch this and feel free to flip your hair and put your tongue to your top lip while exclaiming, “hooooooo!” as you sing into your hair brush as much as you please.

Now … back to brass tax. It’s Friday the 13th. Have I mentioned that I’m majorly superstitious? Because I am. Henceforth why this day usually has me secretly waiting for the sky to fall or something. But in an effort to not give too much of a shit anymore with things regarding superstition (watch, now a random bold of lightning is going to get me), I’ve decided to focus on the positive side of Friday the 13th. That is all things dark. Clearly.

If this post was Sesame Street (which honestly, would make no sense. The word of the day is Balls, kids … yeah, no.) The color of the day would be black. Hence why I’ve had “Dark Lady” stuck in my head since the minute I opened my eyes. “DARK LADY LAUGHED AND DANCED AND LIT THE CANDLES ONE BY ONE …. :::hair flip::: HOOOOO” Sorry for the outburst, I couldn’t help myself.

So in honor of Friday the 13th, I would like to outline some of my favorite pieces in the color black. My favorite wardrobe color. And it is the color of the day if we were on Sesame Street … which we are not. Enjoy and buy yourself a little something. It is Friday, for crying out loud.

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Get Your Sexy On … Or Not

I may be the most non-sexy person on the planet. And I’m not saying that in an attempt to gain compliments, I’m being 100% factual. And you know what, I’m okay with that.

In life, there are the Scarlett Johansson’s of the world, and then there are the Tina Fey’s (ps. let me make this clear, Tina Fey is my girl. My dream is to one day wear matching PJ’s with sheep on them and nerd out in front of a table filled with delicious junk food and 30 Rock reruns with her. Tina, if you are reading this, first of all OMG Tina Fey is reading my blog, second of all … we’re both Philly girls, we both love junk food, we both adore writing, I mean why AREN’T we best friends should be the question at hand here). Expressing my admiration for Tina Fey … complete.

And if you are anything like me, when you are around a Scarlett Johansson-type woman, you feel this insane pressure to up the sexy ante, if you will. Am I right? You see how seamlessly they bring the boys to the yard just by sitting there and ordering a vodka and club, and maybe giggling here and there. All of a sudden you start to think, hell … I CAN DO THAT!

Wrong. Stop it. No you can’t.

But alas, you will try … and most likely fail. Behold, how you will try and fail at being sexy told by some of my all-time favorite ladies in the whole entire world that I absolutely idolize:

1. You decide after dinner to indulge in a little intellectual convo. Men love smart women. Smart is sexy. You put your fork down and start hitting all the important points. You sip on your wine, flip your hair back like the perfect gust of wind has just graced your presence when … something doesn’t feel right:et3o22

2. You hear attracting things to your mouth intrigues men, so you start applying lip gloss slowly. You roll the applicator over your pouty lips. You think your lip gloss is poppin’ and that everyone in the bar is ready and waiting to make out with you but instead … 40038926

3. You see the guy across the table from you cracking really bad jokes. When the Scarlett Johansson of the group laughs, every one of her perfect teeth sparkle, her smile brightens up the entire room. Angels cry with happiness. She looks like she should be the “after” in a Crest White Strips commercial. So you go for it, you laugh at the idiotic jokes, you feel the sexy protruding from your inner being … when maybe you’ve gone a little too far … http___makeagif.com__media_9-06-2013_8Kf_bL4. Alright, now it is time to bring it to the dance floor. If there is one thing you know how to do, it is bust a move. You start moving like a backup dancer for Britney Spears, flipping your hair back and forth like Cher is trying to possess you, waiting patiently for the swarm of eligible bachelors to start fighting for your attention when in reality …

KristinWiigDancingGif45. Screw dancing, who needs that when you can sip your drink seductively. You slowly bring the straw to your pouty lips, playfully biting it until you decide to take a big sip when

What I’m saying is sexy can’t be learned. You either gots it or you don’t. I’ve embraced the fact that I’ll never be this: scarlett-johansson

But instead a whole lot of fantastic this: SNL-saturday-night-live-388968_384_288