What A Gal Needs To Holiday Shop

mediateYou would think I would say a bottle of Jack and Kevlar … but you’re sorely mistaken, my friend.

I personally don’t believe in handwritten lists. I loathe them. I loathe them because I take precious time to write them and within seconds it is like they get sucked into a vortex never to be seen again … therefore I’m back to good ol’ square one. But going holiday shopping blind or with a mental list is just as bad. “Oooh there is the shirt my brother wants, but I need to get a shirt for my sister, too … EEEE something shiny! Squirrel.” Yeah … listless, that is what goes on in my head.

So if you are like me and hate writing lists, but don’t want to torture yourself by going out shopping blind, buying things on random ridiculous whims … there are certain things you can do to save your sanity. Organized shopping means quick shopping. It also means the less you have to interact with the insane holiday shoppers traditionally acting a fool.

You’re welcome, in advance.

Tweet-a-le-dee: If you don’t believe in Twitter, I can’t help you. But it is wise to get yourself a handle and start following your favorite stores/designers. They tend to post sales, special offers, hidden gems within the store. And yes, some may even respond to you if you have questions or concerns, or if you want to show them a little love and tell them how much they rock … or want to partake in a bitchfest about how much their customer service sucks. Ahhh sweet technology. What can’t you do?

Booze: I was just kidding about the lack of Jack above … CLEARLY. After shopping, cocktails are always a must. Or if you are really going into the shopping trenches, maybe pack a flask. Just sayin’ …

Today Will Be a GREAT Day!: If you are in the slightest bad mood, do us ALL a damn favor a stay home. No one wants you out. The deadline for holiday shopping, in my world, is Dec. 24 11:59 p.m. Trust me, if you aren’t thinking positively, you aren’t going to accomplish shit. Instead you are going to get frustrated, start honking your horn for no reason, and saying things under your breath like, “no … seriously, I’LL move out of the way … that’s right … your huge cart with ugly things definitely deserves to take up the entire aisle. My apologies. Let me just kill myself scooting around it so you can add more to your pile of crap properly … whore.” Seriously, bad mood equals staying at home and binging on a really great TV series … not interacting with sales associates and innocent shoppers trying to make Santa dreams come true.

New School Lists: If you absolutely can’t go listless, use the Notes function on your iPhone … or whatever notepad function other phones have (hi, iPhone snob here). I know it seems like common sense, but I would be useless without this. I have numerous pages of random nonsense written down, that probably doesn’t all need to be written down, but when I need it … it’s there. I literally have a list that is like blog inspiration, blog topics, buy shampoo, Comcast log in information, and cat bow tie. Not lying.

Map It Out, Yo: Plan your route. Think about the stores you need to go to, what order is the best to visit them, and exactly what you need and where in said store they are located. That way you are in and out in seconds. My only other piece of advice would be to not make eye contact with ANYONE … that way you are sure to avoid any obstacles. No. Eye. Contact. Ya heard?

Dress for Tropical Temps: Jesus. CHRIST. I was in American Apparel and I thought I was going to faint. Rainy and cold outside, equator inside. Not cool … and not a surprise why I have a sinus infection right now. Bastards. But I’ve come to realize that I would rather be freezing my face off walking around, then sweating inside a store when I’m trying to accomplish holiday shopping tasks. There is nothing worse than having your hands full, standing in line with a bunch of clowns, sweating to death, waiting as the woman checking out is contesting $2 on a damn pair of tights. All you want to do is hurt someone. Like badly. Wear a sun dress and shut up.

Hello, Interwebs, Is It Me You’re Looking For?: Listen, the more people shop online … the less insanity we will all have to deal with. Doesn’t the thought of being curled up on your couch in your Snuggie, with a warm cup of tea, Christmas music playing in the background … taking care of your holiday shopping with just a few clicks? No crazy bitches. No heatwaves. No non-enthused sales associates drooling. No people running you down in parking lots. Just Bing Crosby, your credit card, the Interwebs, and you. :::Sigh:::

It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like … Wait It’s November!

tumblr_ldacwv1dSV1qavyzyLast night I was minding my own business watching TV, relaxing, snuggling my cat … the usual … when all of a sudden Santa was ho-ho-ho-ing all over my damn screen. Umm, whaaa? And not only that, he showed up like 50 more times. And a few weeks back I was scanning radio stations and heard, for a split second, a Paul McCartney Christmas song, and almost crashed into the guard rail frantically trying to turn it off. Hmm, weird, I didn’t get the memo that the holidays were upon us so soon, … huh.

There is really nothing we can do about it. When advertisers say the holidays are here … they are here. I give it hours, or maybe another day, if I’m being generous, that stores start blasting Christmas tunes and turn their heat up to equator-style temps.
I’m personally not ready for this shit. It’s true … the older you get, the more holidays suck. And I’m not saying that because I’m a big ol’ Grinch, I’m saying it because the people who let the word “holidays” put mountains of useless stress on their shoulders is not only idiotic, but incredibly annoying to the people around you who just want to enjoy the holidays.

So instead of throwing shit at your TV every time you see Santa, or start freaking out staring at the list of people you have to buy for, I want you … no … I dare you to take a deep breath and read my thoughts below that have the potential to zen you the fuck out during the “craaaaaaazed holiday season” … for the love … now, ahem:

1. Remember … It’s The Season of Giving: That doesn’t mean strictly designer goods, kids. Stop buying out Neiman for a sec and finish reading what I’m saying. This can be everything from a $5 knick-knack that made you think of the person, your time, a donation to a charity, a hug, a kiss, a poem, a homemade dinner. Stop thinking the more you spend the better person you are. No one cares slash knows. I’m not organic, I don’t eat granola or wear Birkenstocks (not that there is anything wrong with it), but sometimes shit that comes from the heart means more than a designer tag.

2. Make Memories: My aunt was always so good with this. Instead of giving me a toy I would stop playing with in 2.5 seconds, she would buy me tickets to a play or plan an adventure for us. Her reasoning was because unlike a toy she would buy me, I would have that memory forever.

3. Gifts Are OPTIONAL … Not MANDATORY: My GAWD, just because it is Christmas doesn’t mean you literally have to buy everyone you have ever laid eyes on a present. I don’t know where people got this assumption, but it is false. It is a nice gesture and can brighten someone’s day … but not necessary all of the time. Instead maybe, say with your co-workers, decide you will do a happy hour, donate to a shelter, give time to a soup kitchen … something that will make everyone feel better that doesn’t involve spending hours and hours fighting angry crowds at the mall searching for the perfect knick-knack.

And there you have it, folks. It is as simple as thinking outside of yourself. And if you are a person that likes a lot of presents (I mean who doesn’t), stop expecting so much. I miss the days of thumbing through the Sears Holiday Catalog and writing down everything my heart desired in red and green for Santa to see, too. But now … in order to decrease stress and chaos through the holidays … simplify. Enjoy. Take in the lights and the decorations. Soak in every moment with your loved ones. Eat way too much food and be happy you did. Because that’s what it is about when you get too old to thumb through the Sears Holiday Catalog.