Dear Holiday Shoppers,

December 1, 2013.Reading time 4 minutes.

Preface: This is a public service announcement, sponsored by your friends at Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra.

Please stop:

– Being assholes, in general

– Cursing each other out

– Stealing one another’s parking spots

– Cursing each other out for stealing one another’s parking spots

– Taking your dogs out in public (Seriously, I think your Yorkie Doodle can chill at home while you hit up TJ Maxx)

– Driving like maniacs, causing silly fender benders, and then holding everyone else up

– Yelling at your children in the middle of the store (You know … because EVERY child just LOVES shopping for nonsense they don’t care about … so yes, DEFINITELY yell at them … fools)

– Yelling at sales associates in stores (They. Have. No. Control. Over. Your. Problems. You yelling at them equals you ruining their day. How would you like someone to come to your office and curse you out for no reason. Put yourselves in their shoes before you start telling them off that they don’t have your Juicy velour sweats in hot pink size XXL)

– Having no parking lot etiquette (Santa is not down with you running people over for the sake of hitting up amazing sales #naughtyliststatus)

– Not moving out-of-the-way for people. And not saying, “excuse me,” when you are trying to get through a crowd of people. (Manners matter)

– Talking on your cell phone at an octave only dogs can hear (Nobody needs slash wants to hear about what Judy’s sister’s dog walker Betty’s husband Bobby didn’t get her for Christmas last year)

My apologies for the rant, but my God. Here I am, trying to enjoy the holidays … and I literally couldn’t get out of the store I was in, back in my car, and back in the safety of my own home fast enough.

The holidays are supposed to be a beautiful time of the year. Not the time of year when you need to put your Kevlar on, battle face mask (is that a real thing?) on, and head out into the wild known as your local mall. Seriously, ladies and gents. My GAWD.

It wouldn’t kill everyone to pay it forward a little bit more besides throwing ‘bows at Walmart, I mean for the love of God. Buy the guy or gal behind you a coffee while you are getting your caffeine on before the shopping rush. Hold the door open, no matter who or what is standing behind you … and SMILE. In fact, smile at your fellow man or woman as much as possible. Use your manners. Do a good deed. Do a selfless deed. Help someone in need, no matter if it is just offering them pleasant conversation or helping them solve a problem.

As much as we all enjoy thinking about and catering to numero uno … we gotta stop acting like assholes during the holidays … because gifts are a luxury … not a necessity. And the naughty list should really exist, because I would recommend several human beings get put on it and banished from malls and stores, immediately.

Ps. Malls/boutiques/stores in general … turn your damn heat down.

Kay thanks … byeeeeeeee.

And scene.

CATS! The Musical

November 20, 2013.Reading time 5 minutes.

No not really … but side note, I totally got a VHS tape of CATS! The Musical for Christmas one year, and totes watched it more than once … which is probably too many times. Memory … all alone in the moonli … alright, I’ll stop.

Back in the day, you know, when I was in elementary school, it was cool to like cats. It was also cool to eat glue, hate boys, and wear 15 different colors of neon at once, but I digress. I definitely owned a few Lisa Frank trapper keepers with some cats mixed in with unicorns and puppies, along with a few cat pencils, and maybe even an embroidered cat sweatshirt. I mean who didn’t? To be clear, I wasn’t obsessed with my cat, these are just the things offered to children to wear and use in the 90’s, and my mom indulged.

And then once middle school and high school hit, cats became uncool. I was lucky it I petted my cat once a week. I suppose I was too caught up in useless drama and learning the moves to Britney Spears’ new music video. Even in college I remember making a pact with my roommate to intervene if either of us showed signs of becoming cat ladies.

But now … in 2013 … the amount of cat swag that people are actually buying AND wearing astonishes me. I would have gotten my ass beat in high school (and by beat I mean the rich mean girls would have totes made fun of me behind my back and spread rumors around that I was a cat lady and my house was covered in litter instead of rugs) if I rocked a sweatshirt from Forever 21 that said CAT in big bold letters.

Alas it is the cool thing to do … to be obsessed with cats. Hipsters who once flocked to fedoras and ball smothering skinny jeans, are now flocking to cats. I really hope animal orphanages all over the country are feeling the positive effect of this movement. I mean hell … even I just adopted a baby cat back in August and have become obsessed with her to the point where I talk about her and photograph her like it were my child. If you follow me on Instagram (which is should), you will understand this. By the way her name is Ellsworth (after Ellsworth Kelly … one of my favorite painters) and I just bought her a sparkly red collar for Christmas … eeeee!

Maybe it is because once closeted cat people feel free to come out and say, “Yes. world! I own a cat … and love it … and his name is Mr. Whiskers … and I make him wear a bow tie!” And one thing people who love cats more than cats … is OTHER people who love cats. Trust. It is the thing to connect with in your late 20’s or 30’s when you don’t have children.

But I just don’t know if I need to express my love for my cat via my fashion choices. My fear is that years from now I will look back and shake my head in shame, much like how I view my Lisa Frank cat trapper keeper and VHS tape of CATS! The musical. Yes, a lot of these cat-inspired items are adorable … and hey some are actually chic … but I have a feeling this “cat lady couture” just won’t last forever, I don’t care if all of it is in black and white. One day, being called a “Cat Lady” will actually go back to meaning you own 15 plus cats, don’t brush your hair, and will be single for the rest of your time on Earth.

But for now … if you don’t like cats … I don’t trust you.

It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like … Wait It’s November!

November 12, 2013.Reading time 5 minutes.

Last night I was minding my own business watching TV, relaxing, snuggling my cat … the usual … when all of a sudden Santa was ho-ho-ho-ing all over my damn screen. Umm, whaaa? And not only that, he showed up like 50 more times. And a few weeks back I was scanning radio stations and heard, for a split second, a Paul McCartney Christmas song, and almost crashed into the guard rail frantically trying to turn it off. Hmm, weird, I didn’t get the memo that the holidays were upon us so soon, … huh.

There is really nothing we can do about it. When advertisers say the holidays are here … they are here. I give it hours, or maybe another day, if I’m being generous, that stores start blasting Christmas tunes and turn their heat up to equator-style temps.
I’m personally not ready for this shit. It’s true … the older you get, the more holidays suck. And I’m not saying that because I’m a big ol’ Grinch, I’m saying it because the people who let the word “holidays” put mountains of useless stress on their shoulders is not only idiotic, but incredibly annoying to the people around you who just want to enjoy the holidays.

So instead of throwing shit at your TV every time you see Santa, or start freaking out staring at the list of people you have to buy for, I want you … no … I dare you to take a deep breath and read my thoughts below that have the potential to zen you the fuck out during the “craaaaaaazed holiday season” … for the love … now, ahem:

1. Remember … It’s The Season of Giving: That doesn’t mean strictly designer goods, kids. Stop buying out Neiman for a sec and finish reading what I’m saying. This can be everything from a $5 knick-knack that made you think of the person, your time, a donation to a charity, a hug, a kiss, a poem, a homemade dinner. Stop thinking the more you spend the better person you are. No one cares slash knows. I’m not organic, I don’t eat granola or wear Birkenstocks (not that there is anything wrong with it), but sometimes shit that comes from the heart means more than a designer tag.

2. Make Memories: My aunt was always so good with this. Instead of giving me a toy I would stop playing with in 2.5 seconds, she would buy me tickets to a play or plan an adventure for us. Her reasoning was because unlike a toy she would buy me, I would have that memory forever.

3. Gifts Are OPTIONAL … Not MANDATORY: My GAWD, just because it is Christmas doesn’t mean you literally have to buy everyone you have ever laid eyes on a present. I don’t know where people got this assumption, but it is false. It is a nice gesture and can brighten someone’s day … but not necessary all of the time. Instead maybe, say with your co-workers, decide you will do a happy hour, donate to a shelter, give time to a soup kitchen … something that will make everyone feel better that doesn’t involve spending hours and hours fighting angry crowds at the mall searching for the perfect knick-knack.

And there you have it, folks. It is as simple as thinking outside of yourself. And if you are a person that likes a lot of presents (I mean who doesn’t), stop expecting so much. I miss the days of thumbing through the Sears Holiday Catalog and writing down everything my heart desired in red and green for Santa to see, too. But now … in order to decrease stress and chaos through the holidays … simplify. Enjoy. Take in the lights and the decorations. Soak in every moment with your loved ones. Eat way too much food and be happy you did. Because that’s what it is about when you get too old to thumb through the Sears Holiday Catalog.

Things That Make Me Want To Vom During The Holidays

November 14, 2012.Reading time 9 minutes.

I don’t know if you are aware … but it’s Christmas time. In fact, it has been Christmas time since like mid-October. They started off slowly in stores like pumpkins, pumpkins, pumpkin candy, Christmas tree, ghost, goblin, Santa … but now since we are like a solid week away from when it is ACTUALLY Christmas time, stores have said “screw it” let’s start this shit early.

In other news, I happen to love Christmas time. The lights, decorations, music … ahh it doesn’t get any better than that. But some people (not naming names … but you know who are you are) take it upon themselves to turn Christmas time into the cheesiest cheesefest of the year … making me want to said … vom. So besides Nat King Cole, Michael Jackson at a young age, the isle of misfit toys and caramel Santas … here are the things that make me want to vom during Christmas time … ahem.

Jeweler Commercials: My God. Mom trimming the tree as Dad swoops in holding a Kay Jewelers box with a Jane Seymour exclusive open heart necklace inside. Umm yeah … here’s what’s up. I don’t want a fake diamond necklace designed by Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman … okay? If every kiss begins with Kay then I’m going to become celibate. Clueless men out there… from me to you … think outside the Kay Jewelers box.

Lexus Commercials: I love it. A woman wakes up Christmas morning and her perfect golden retriever runs over to her wearing a red bow with a key at the end of the ribbon. She looks at it puzzled as her hubby motions to the window where she looks out and exclaims … “OH MY GOD … YOU GOT ME A LEXUS?!” Really? Who buys anyone a Lexus for anything let alone as a Christmas present. No one. I get Forever 21 PJ bottoms and I’m like to the moon happy. And how do you hide a Lexus from someone? What … did he like creep out of bed at 5 a.m., walk to where the car was, drive it in the garage and just pull a ridiculously large bow out of his ass? Huh? Honestly, seems like a lot of work. Pssst … advertisers for Lexus, this isn’t real life.

Couples Who Take Pictures in Front of the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree: Okay so New York is kind of amazing all the time … but during the holidays it is just straight up magical. But there is nothing that makes me want to unfriend you more than if you post a picture of you and your significant other, your bestie, or whomever else in front of that tree during Christmas. It’s just … unoriginal … corny even? So note to self, you post a picture of this and you are straight up getting unfriended … you’ve been warned. Take a picture in front of the holiday Barneys window … then we’ll talk.

People Who Use Santacon As An Excuse To Dress Slutty: Like it wasn’t bad enough that Halloween has turned into an excuse for females to buy out Victoria’s Secret, pop on a pair of ears and call themselves “a mouse … duh,” but now Christmas?! Come on. Take your American Apparel red tights, you hooker boots, and your furry coats someplace else. Same goes for Rudolph and the elves. Santa has a beard, he’s fat as all hell, he gets down with milk and cookies whenever he can, and he’s a gentle old man. How is this sexy?! For shame …

The Neiman Marcus Holiday Catalog: For the sheer fact I can’t even fathom affording ANYTHING in this book … it makes me weep. It is beautiful, over the top fantastic … yet :::sigh::: out of my reach. One day Neiman … but for now … you make me want to vom out of sheer sadness. Sorry I can’t buy my significant other a jet this year … shucks. Oh well … I suppose a cheese sandwich and a yo-yo will have to do.

People Who Wear Ugly Christmas Sweaters To Be Ironic: I blame Urban Outfitters and hipsters for this one. Ugly Christmas sweater parties took off when I was in college … and sure it’s funny to watch your friends strutting around drunk in a snowman embroidered turtleneck. But honestly … it’s over. Some granny’s still enjoy a good snowman sweater! What about them! Huh?! It isn’t cool, it isn’t cute, it isn’t creative (anymore) and it is the gateway fashion statement to dressing like a slut. You host an ugly Christmas sweater party and just expect someone to dress like a whore reindeer … just sayin’. You did this to yourself.

Malls/People Who Shop at Malls: Ew. I swear, malls turn into the center of hell once Black Friday hits. You’ve got the crazies, the temperature becomes equivalent to the equator, babies are ALWAYS crying at octaves only dogs can hear, sales associates want to hang themselves which therefore create a hostile shopping environment (trust me, I’ve been that sales associate before), and people turn into lunatics that will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to get that “great deal,” including: Cursing, causing a scene, telling off innocent sales associates because they can, throwing shit, getting in legit fist fights (I’ve seen in), participating in a tug of war over a piece of clothing, creating a stampede, etc., etc., etc. Woof … I’ll hide behind my laptop and online shop in my bed as I eat bon bons, kay thanks. See ya never, crazies.

If You Exclaim on Facebook “Aren’t I the Luckiest Girl in the World”: Some guys hit it out of the park when it comes to Christmas gifts. The will pull something out of left field and give you the gift of all gifts. Fantastic. But no need to take a picture of it, post … “OH EM GEEEEEEEE … aren’t I the LUCKIEST girl in the world!? ;)” Fine … you’re excited and want the entire world to know how fab your significant other is … but just so we’re clear AGAIN … I’m going to unfriend you. Instead of posting on Facebook, perhaps go run into the street and scream what you would make your status and see how idiotic you sound. “OH EM GEE, Bobby just got me the new black suede clutch from COACH, AREN’T I THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WOR …” and before you even get the words out, I guarantee someone will tell you to shut the hell up. Point proven.

Ahhhh and there you have it. Harsh? Absolutely … but I speaks the truth. No I am not a man hater, nor do I hate “love,” but I do want you to remember that Christmas is more than what is under your tree. Boom.

In other news … I can’t wait to play N’Sync Christmas! Right?! Who is with me!

The Art Of Accepting a Heinous Present

December 26, 2011.Reading time 4 minutes.

So there ya have it folks, Christmas came and went. I love how people are so pumped to wake up early this morning and go return stuff. What? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love shopping more than the next person. But we literally just got off a months marathon of shopping, where is the fire that you need to run to the first cashier you can see? All today is, is an excuse for irate shoppers to yell at poor cashiers who do nothing wrong about how this doesn’t work, or this has a hole in it, or how this was $45.99 but they want $105.95 back. Crazytown. Honestly, today is the only day I have off, so therefore I will be kickin’ it in bed, all day … with my new fantastic shoes on, of course.

But it made me think about all the times those wacky aunts and uncles or mom and dad got you that one gift that when you pulled the tissue paper back you wanted to immediately utter, “what in the name of everything holy …,” but didn’t because the look of excitement on their faces as you opened it. I mastered this art a very long time ago. Sure, you could say, “oh, Aunt Mally … I wanted this embroidered I Love Cats sweatshirt in a large, not an extra extra extra large,” but that leads to disappointment. What I do, is no matter what, I open it and get ultra excited … about everything, because at the end of the day, these people were nice enough to think of you and buy you a gift, so get excited. You take whatever it is out of the box and say, “Oh my God … THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNKKKSS (really draw out the thanks)! This is so ::::::adjective::::, I’ve always wanted this ::::noun:::::. How thoughtful ::::get up and give a heartfelt hug::::::.” AND SCENE.

What is the point of crushing people’s hopes and dreams of buying you the perfect present. My brother, for example, is the worst. No matter what, he will open the gift, look at you and be like, “eeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh, I wanted the one in red, BUT it is not big deal.” For a while I respected his honestly, because I never had the balls to say I didn’t like something, but at the same time, the look of disappointment on my mothers face was awful.

So yes, we probably all have a couple of presents that definitely need to get returned, and I get that a lot of people have today off, so why not go for the gold today. But not this guy … it is a jungle out there. I would rather enjoy all of the things I got, watch some good movies and be a sloth than deal with the crazytown American public.

On that note, I hope everyone had a lovely holiday … and faked liking presents like true actors and actresses.

Merry Christmas, Hap-py Hol-i-days (Nsync Style)

December 25, 2011.Reading time 2 minutes.

Merry Christmas, fantastic readers! I hope Santa was good to every single one of you. I’m going to be honest with you, it is a little difficult for me to write right now, for I am in sheer shoe ecstasy. What I found underneath my tree this morning was a pair of shoes that I have been lusting over for about a year and a half, only I would have never bought them for myself. They are completely impractical, completely over the top, but such a sincerely amazing surprise that it kind of brought tears to my eyes. Yes, I leaked a little over a pair of fabulous shoes.

The older I get, the more the presents don’t mean as much. It isn’t that I don’t like asking for things and finding them waiting for me wrapped up in a perfect bow on Christmas morning. But for me, more than anything, it is the enjoyment of being around the ones you love, as corny as it may sound. Things are things. At the end of the day, you can get these “things” any day of the week at any time. But the surprises and the little things you don’t ask for are absolutely the best kinds of presents to give. There definitely is a difference of asking for a specific lip gloss, in a specific shade, or just having someone you care about notice something you’ve been obsessed with, but haven’t pulled the trigger to purchase it for yourself. It honestly warms my heart and soul.

This week really has shown me that I am surrounded by a lot of love and support, including all of my fabulous readers. Merry Christmas, enjoy the day … eat, drink and drink some more!

Now if you will excuse me, I need to go spoon my fantastic shoes.

We Did It!

December 24, 2011.Reading time 2 minutes.

I just want to congratulate all my readers, for yes, it has happened. We have survived the holiday season! I consider Christmas Eve to be like the finish line of a month of bleeding our bank accounts dry. I really just envision myself running through a finish line in my winter coat with bags upon bags in my hand as people pour vodka all over me.

But Christmas Eve can be a tricky day. All of a sudden you are looking at all the stuff you bought for people, and clearly the crazy starts setting in, and it is not enough. You immediately feel the urge to run to the mall to buy useless nonsense that isn’t necessary just for the sake of giving that special someone more shit to open. Here are some words of wisdom, ahem: Less is more. Stop yo’ self. If you really think underneath your tree is bare, well then … I dunno wrap some empty boxes or something. But don’t go all cray cray at the mall today. Do you really want to be that guy fighting through the crowds of zombies returning stuff on December 26? I think not.

Dress wise, I usually go comfy on Christmas Eve for our open house, with LOTS of sequins of course, but the real important outfit are the PJs you wear for Santa. I know some families who have a tradition of getting Christmas PJs to wear on Christmas Eve, and my family is one of them. Literally my mom, sister and I will all be wearing the same red polka-dotted sleep pants tonight.

Anywho, I just needed to congratulate my fantastic readers on completing one of the most intense shopping months of the year. We did it, guys, we did it!

Santa Claus is comin’ to town!

Global Warming Doesn’t Dictate …

December 7, 2011.Reading time 3 minutes.

… what I wear. Say it with me now … global warming doesn’t dictate what I wear. Okay, so I live in the Northeast, for those few readers who might not live in said area. So usually, in the land of normal that no longer exists, we don’t endure hurricanes, snow on Halloween, and we most certainly do not have 60 and above degree temperatures in December.

Usually this time in December, I’m trying to invest in another coat, checking to see how much snow the silly weather people say we are going to get (and then I subtract 5 inches) and hot chocolate feels like heaven whilst decorating the Christmas tree … but this year, not so much. Whilst decorating the tree at work today, I literally wanted to rip off my blazer (but couldn’t for I was wearing an inappropriate tank top underneath … blast) and the site of hot chocolate made me feel so uncomfortable I wanted to die. What in the HELL is going on?!

It just doesn’t feel like Christmas. I’m sorry, while driving to work in a ridiculous rain storm that lasts all day in a nice muggy 62 degrees while listening to Bing Crosby singing about chestnuts roasting on an open fire doesn’t feel right. You know what else doesn’t feel right? My winter coat, or my over the knee boots, or my scarfs and gloves, or my fur-trimmed sweaters that I’ve accumulated expecting … oh I dunno, WINTER. I wanna scream, I really do.

It is December for crying out loud. December. Well sorry, “global warming” I refuse to get on my knees and surrender to you, no matter how uncomfortable I may be. I’m over dressing in layers to go along with the fall weather guessing game of it being 70 degrees during the day and 30 degrees at night. Done. And so far, I feel like the people I see on a day-to-day basis agree. Amen people, amen.

I was contemplating wearing my fur-trimmed cardigan tomorrow at work, but hesitated because of how hot and stuffy everything was today. But you know what? I don’t care … because it is December. And dammit I will trim my tree in a fur-trimmed sweater if I please … which I do. I will wear my over the knee boots, even though they will trap heat within me making me crave consistently an ice-cold glass of water.

But honestly, suck it global warming. Stop ruining my holiday and bring on some cold, normal weather perhaps? That would be lovely. I would give ANYTHING just to see a snow flake … just one.