My Closet Issues

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I’m the type of gal who likes everything in one place. I don’t understand the people that have a shoe closet and a coat closet and a sweater closet and a closet for God knows what else. I likes it all where I can sees it. That is until I moved to a place that was clearly built before women were plagued with shopping addictions. One dress. One petticoat. One corset. Literally my “closet” is a hole. A small, dark hole that can’t come close to holding what I need. Hence why I adopted a garment rack, which has become my best friend. I feel like Kim Kardashian or some shit … minus all the designer clothes, and the big ass. But I digress.

Going back to how I like everything in one place, I was never a person who put all my winter gear in a Tupperware box in the basement and switched it out for my summer gear. My theory is clothing doesn’t belong in Tupperware boxes or in “space saving bags” in a basement. How sad, right? My clothing is like my children. Would I put my children in the basement when the weather changed. Umm no … I’m not a psychopath. And wonder if in the middle of winter we get a heat wave and I need a cool t-shirt or something? Nope. Can’t have it. It’s in the Tupperware box never to return again until Memorial Day :::shakes fist:::. Whomp whomp. Screw that.

Unfortunately, due to my clothing addiction, I’m running out of space. Even on my Kim K garment rack. And since I thoroughly don’t believe in Tupperware (with my clothing or with food … it’s skeevy and weird), I’ve resorted to turning my dark hole closet into my “winter gear” storage (I had to give it a nice home), and then kept my spring/summer/things that are typically for warmer weather but I might be able to make them work in the warmer months on the garment rack. Yet … I still find myself having a space issue (I told you, I have a really bad clothing addiction).

I’ve literally forgotten about pieces of clothing I own, strictly because they are so cramped together. Which is a curse and a blessing because when I come across something I forgot I had … it’s like God damn Christmas morning. And then makes me feel silly because I’ve realized I’ve been buying similar garments over and over again (I swear I’m not crazy, I just likes what I likes).

I’ve found myself wondering if I should have a method to my madness. I’ve always rolled my eyes at people who color-coded their closets or alphabetized their closets, but maybe it makes a different. Oddly enough, the whole thing freaks me out. People can get SO intense with it … and I’m just not type of gal. And … ps. I loathe change. “From right to left you will find my sleeveless dresses, maxi dresses, formal dresses, which then transitions to t-shirts, fancy t-shirts, embroidered t-shirts. Oh and everything is color-coded in alphabetical order based on color.” :::Bangs head against wall::: I mean … no. Just no. The idea of it makes me sweat.

But for someone like me who likes having a bit of chaos in my life, I’ve decided the best way to organize my closet overload is to do it strictly by the following system: Dresses, tanks, t-shirts, long sleeves, jackets, and pants. Boom. And in my dark hole of my closet will live the bulky sweaters and coats that will have a comfortable rest until the cooler months return. This way, when I’m madly rushing to get out the door in the morning, and don’t have the slightest idea what I want to wear, I will easily be able to pull exactly what I want and not have anymore “Christmas morning” moment (although they are delicious) or a Clueless moment screaming, “WHERE IS MY COLLARLESS SHIRT FROM FRED SEGAL!”

I’m excited about this decision. I call this growing up, people, I call this growing up.

How do you organize your closet?

Walking Away From Things That No Longer Serve Me

Screen shot 2013-05-16 at 8.49.50 PMWhat is this pile of nonsense in the photo to the left, you ask? Well … I’ve been putting off spring/summer shopping. Reasons being that A. I can’t find anything that I really lerve, and B. I’ve become one with my closet. Instead of just shopping to shop, I’ve gotten very creative, with the help of Pinterest of course, with what is already in my closet. Repurposing old looks. Pairing different things together. But as I’ve been bonding with the clothes I already have, I’ve noticed these pieces that I haven’t touched in maybe over a year … just sitting there, never touching my body … EVER. Just taking up space. And I realized the only reason why I’ve kept them there is because I like the diversity they add to my closet, like magazine editors are knocking on my bedroom door to photograph them or something, and of course the age-old saying that leaves these stale pieces in our closets forever, “I’ll totally wear that one day.” No you won’t, shut up, fool.

So I’ve made a deal with myself. I’m not allowed to shop until I weed out these “filler” pieces. Hence why I immediately have a pile of clothes that no longer serve me on the floor of my room. Why do they no longer serve me? Well … they are pieces of clothing that have stains or rips on them. That are faded and no longer fit. Poorly made pieces of crap that are missing buttons, and other items that I just associate with bad memories. Oh … and let’s not forget all of those “sleepy shirts” I have. These are shirts that have my college logo on them that ended up in my dorm room at some point that I kept out of pure nostalgia. Or shirts from bar crawls that say stuff like “I’m Drunk Betches!”, or shirts I picked up AT bars that have “Bacardi whore” written across them. Bu … bu … BYEEEEEEEEEE.

When you get to a point in your life when it seems like everything and everyone is against you, where people are only interested in breaking your heart and walking away for you to clean up the mess and make sense of it all, or break down your confidence so severely that you no longer know yourself … you know it’s time for a change. Some start with finding Jesus … I start with my closet.

So the rules of this closet cleanse?

1. If I haven’t worn you in a year … you are gone.

2. If you remind me of some emotional bitch slap … you are too, also gone.

3. If you no longer fit right, yet I just love your color and style … gone.

4. If you are a poorly made piece of crap … see ya.

5. If you are stained … but I so desperately wish you weren’t stained … sweet Jesus, bye.

So there you have it. This is just the beginner pile. I may end up with like five pieces of clothing left, but at least it will be the beginning of a fresh start I so desperately need. Or maybe I’ll end up like those obnoxiously annoying chic ladies who literally have 10 pieces of classic staples in their wardrobe that they somehow magically transform into numerous different looks. Ha I could never live like this, my only hope is that I will be reasonably able to shut my drawers.

So there it is. If any of these garments interest anyone … I will be happy to send them your way as a token of my appreciation for you being a loyal reader of my nonsense. But be warned though … some of these pieces are poorly made pieces of crap. I won’t call out specific garments … but if you can guess which ones they are … bonus points for you, my dear reader!

Closet Space: Let Me, Let Me Downgrade ‘Cha

Moving. :::Sigh::: People tell you how heinous it is, but you really don’t know until you make 15 trips to get your closet from your car to your room … upstairs. In other news, my side abs are looking FANTASTIC. But yes, if you don’t stalk me on social media, then you’ve missed all of my fantastical ranting and raving about this epic move that owned my life for the past two-three weeks. But it is over. I am through with the moving conversation.

oldclosetAnd yes, I did get emotional when saying goodbye to my old closet, pictured to the left. It wasn’t like Real Housewives status or anything, but it fit my wardrobe perfectly and I Pinterested it before Pinterest was “Pinterest” by ripping the doors off and adding sheers. I couldn’t help but run my fingers one last time through the sheers as Boys to Men’s, “It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye to YesterdayHEEEE,” played in my head.

That song quickly turned into, “Movin’ on Up” as I went to place my clothing in their new home, when … wait, what :::record screeches:::? Yep. Meet my new closet I’ve deemed “the hole.” Honestly … who can work with something like this?! I am a visual person. When thinking of outfit options, I like all of them staring right back at me so I can say, “Hey guy, I’m going to wear you today with this other guy” (yes I talk to my clothes, don’t you?)

So I had two options: 1. Throw my clothes on the floor and roll around in them crying screaming, “WHY?! WHY ME, LORD?!?!” or 2. Get creative.

To everyone’s shock and awe, I chose the later.

1. I became one with my space: I figured out where my furniture would fit best (and look best) in order to get an idea of how much space I was workin’ with and what storage option would work well with it. It also forced me to get all of my shit in order, otherwise I would be the girl who lived out of boxes.

2. I embraced storage options: I never understood “The Container Store” or people who were obsessed with it. Seemed like overpriced plastic nonsense for organizational freaks to me. Now I know … they are women who lack closet space. After realizing a rolling rack is what would fill my space void … I started researching Walmart, the Container Store, IKEA, Amazon … and numerous other random sites for the perfect one.

3. I got Pinterested: Not only did I need more space for my clothes … I needed it to look chic. This is my room, the expression of who I am, for the love of Jesus. I’ve worked tirelessly to create an oasis for myself and I wouldn’t have it ruined by an obtrusive piece of furniture that i just had to buy for the sake of storage. Eff that … aesthetics comes first. I therefore turned to Pinterest for creative options from shelving to rolling racks. I’m telling you, if you ever have a creative roadblock from style to home decor to world peace issues … Pinterest will save the day … I swear.

4. I became okay with failing: In this process, you need to know that your first attempt at storage solutions … won’t work. The storage Gods don’t play that way, homie. You will need to move furniture, reorganize, move furniture again. Shit will break and it will lead you to drink. You’ll buy one rolling rack, replace it for another, and drink some more. Or (like I did), make your mom tradesies with you for the perfect rolling rack fit.

5. I found rolling rack Jesus: Once you find the perfect storage solution … this overwhelming sense of peace takes over your body. No I’m serious, it is like an outer body experience … you just feel … soothed. Calm. Heavenly. No I’m CLEARLY not that much of a storage psychopath … but it was a vibrant sense of completeness when I turned my storage nightmare into this Pinterest-worthy creation. BOOM. Not only do I get to showcase all my fantastic pieces, but the rack works with the rest of my furniture, AND there is still so much room for ACTIVITIES!

The Finished Product:



Tight Budgets Inspire Creativity

Yeah, I was just slapped in the face by reality when someone alerted me that there is only ONE more “shopping weekend” until Christmas. What? Seriously, I still feel like I’m getting over my food coma from Thanksgiving, but I digress.

So yes, it is normal for people to feel a little strapped for cash this time of year with all the gift giving and what not. But I still jones for new clothes for myself. A new pair of boots, a new dress, you know just something that pops and is new. But if you are anything like me, you find it extremely difficult to shop for yourself when you know you have a million other things to buy for other people in your life. For example, I went out today to buy a pair of gloves for myself, but instead found this amazing dress (on the sale rack, discounted like a thousand times) and that was the only way I justified buying it. But I still was having an anxiety attack over buying it because of all the other nonsense I have to take care of before Christmas.

So when I got home I decided to look at my closet. Like legit stand in front of it and look at it. Eye to … eye. I’m not kidding you, the steel bar holding all of my clothes is bending in the middle from all of the stuff hanging off of it. And I thought to myself, how could I possibly be bored with all of these options! I’m crazed, I’m jaded, I need to reevaluate … ¬†IMMEDIATELY.

Sure I’m ridiculously bored wearing my black blazer with my black skinny jeans and a white tank top, or that black dress with my cheetah print cardigan (I swear it looks less J.Crew than it sounds). So instead of the normal, crazed morning rush of me figuring out what I should wear by violently ripping things off the hanger, throwing them on, not liking it and then throwing it on the floor … I took some inventory of the items I had to work with.

I pulled stuff out of my closet, still on the hanger, placed it on my bed and played a little game called “mismatch the clothes.” I know you are probably thinking, “don’t you mean match the clothes … and you call yourself a copy editor,” but no … MISMATCH the clothes. One of my fashion weaknesses would be the ability to mix patterns. I love when people do it, but I look like a mismatched fool whenever I try to rock it. I just kept calmly moving my black and white striped jacket with my patterned dress, or my polka-dotted shirt underneath my brown and black striped blazer … until I found something that worked. And oddly enough … it did.

Of course, I found a lot of stuff that matched and looked fab, but without playing this really refreshing game, I would have never thought to pair the pieces together. I not only walked away with a bunch of new and edgier outfits, but I also found inspiration in pieces that I had 100 percent thought I had lost faith in and was so prepared to donate them to Good Will.

We all deserve to bond with our closets a bit more. They need love too. I bet most people just look at them as places that store their clothes, just a steel bar and a door. But if you look at a closet that way and slide a new piece of clothing onto the steel pole, it is destined to get sucked into the abyss of all the other good pieces you own … the vision of “outfits” will therefore become blurry, limiting what you wear and what you piece together. If you love, nurture and become one with your closet … you know, talk to it and stuff … this won’t happen. A simple, “Hi closet, how are you and my clothes doing on this lovely morning,” wouldn’t kill you, now would it? (No I’m not on crack or a crazy lady, I swear).

So I recommend everyone play this game and spend some quality time with the good ol’ closet … it deserves it. For Christ’s sake, the steel bar in my closet might collapse at any moment, I’m shocked it hasn’t already, the poor guy needed some TLC. I’m just glad I didn’t feel the need to buy more pieces when I already had so many fantastic outfits that just needed time to be thought up. It is so easy to just keep buying one thing here and there continuously that end up getting lost in the clothing shuffle.

So there it is, I saved myself some cash that I can therefore spend on obnoxious amounts of presents for all of my loved ones, I’m no longer bored with my clothing options and instead will get more wear out of the pieces I already delicately picked for my wardrobe.

It is therapeutic, it is cost-effective and it is actually fun. Enjoy talking to your closets.

Mirror Talk

Trying to find something to wear in the morning, or the night before, can be absolutely one of the most frustrating things in the world. You have a perfect picture vision of what you want to wear in your head, right? So you start rifling through your closet playing a little game called “trial and error.”

I know I’ll put something on, thinking it is magic, walk over to my floor length mirror and start doing the dance. You know what I’m talking about. It goes a little something like this, 5, 6, 7, 8 … turn to the right, stop, pose, flatten out the fabric in the front. Turn to the left, stop, flatten out of the fabric in the front. Turn to the front. Stop. Hands on hips. Vogue pose. Vogue pose. Turn around, look behind, spin back to the front. STAGE FREEZE.

Aaaaaaand depending on your mood, certain phrases, words and sentence fragments will come flying out towards your reflection. Perhaps you’ve hit the jackpot and the first thing you’ve tried on works. Maybe this time you won’t say anything, maybe you’ll just continue the dance to see how utterly fantastic you look as you smile and flip your God damn hair. Congrats to you ya jerk! Chances are you probably just went shopping and everything looks fabulous because know the other 364 days just won’t be that easy.

So if you’re staring back at a failing look, frustration will start to creep into your soul. And after you are confronted with more and more heinous looks that do not work, the more you will want to pull a switch blade on your mirror. For me, I have some go to questions and or comments I make to myself or the poor souls who happen to be around me during this “trial and error” period. Ahem …

“Do I look like I’m going to a funeral?” -Referring to a great black Calvin Klein dress

“God dammit, I look like a special ballerina.” -Referring to a really great light pink graduated hemline see through skirt.

“I’m a house, I’ve turned into a house ladies and gents.” -Referring to an oversized dress that, well, is supposed to be oversized according to Cynthia Rowley.

“Do I look fat? Seriously, don’t lie to me, I can take it, I’m an adult, I can take it, I just want to know, for serious.” -Referring to … well … anything I put on my body.

“Do you think this is too short? Would you judge me for wearing this in the office? I mean my finger tips touch the hemline, I’m good, right? I just don’t want to be known as the whore in the office who wears inappropriate things thinking they are appropriate.” -Talking myself into wearing a dress that MIGHT just be a bit too short.

“Is this too much black, or is there no such thing?” -Referring to all of my wardrobe.

“Why can’t I be just three damn inches shorter … blasted DNA.” -Referring mostly to the high heels I own. Sure I’ve gotten over the fact that I’m tall, but I still have my moments.

“Why didn’t anyone tell me I look like a crackhead.” -Referring to when I was trying to go for the, “I don’t give an eff” look that went totally wrong.

“I look like a hooker.” – Referring to a comment that is an oldie but goodie. Yes, this could be uttered over numerous things such as too much makeup, tight dresses and or bad color choices.

I could go on for hours and hours and hours, and I’m probably forgetting some of the ridiculousness that goes through my head when finding that perfect outfit. And why do we get so frustrated? Because all we want to do is wear something that makes us feel sexy, confident, powerful and fashion forward, right? That’s all we ask. So in those moments of rage when nothing is working, everything is fitting wrong and every outfit seems tired and utterly boring … know you aren’t alone. There is probably some crazytown lady going through the same emotions as you are … saying sentence fragments of how she looks like a tranny mess into her mirror, ripping off the outfit, throwing it into a pile and going back to the drawing board, hands on her hips, sweating and feeling hopeless.

But know … at the end of the day … we always look fabulous. We just go through a lot of curse words, crazy thoughts, blood, sweat and tears to get there.