Lipstick Queen: The New Xanax

April 7, 2015.Reading time 6 minutes.

So how about this radio silence on Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra for the past week, huh? Weird, right? Didn’t even notice? Oh come now!

You know I hate to leave you guys, my lovely readers, hanging for this long, but if you would like to huddle around your computer screen for a little “coffee talk” please join me as I announce I was suddenly laid off from my job last week (:::GASP::: what? huh? NO WAY!)

With all of that being said, I was a little shell shocked to say the least, hence the hiatus, and if you’ve ever been laid off you know the feeling of distress, sadness, and being presented with this ample amount of free time and figuring out what the fuck to do next. And, of course, wondering where’s my next bottle of wine?!

Well … when my one door closed, instead of another door opening right away, I found an Ulta gift card I got for Christmas that I had completely forgotten about. Score. I took it as a small glimmering beam of hope. I got out of my cat pajamas, took a shower, and marched myself to Ulta convinced I would find something that I clearly did not need that would make me smile.

That’s when I realized something, kids. And trust me, millions of feminists will probably be knocking down my door with torches and pitch forks once I’m done saying the following, but a good lipstick can change your life. It really can. I know, I know, it is SO painfully clique. I kind of hate myself for even saying it. But life can be the biggest bitch you’ve ever met. And sometimes it is the small things that can make it just a smidge better. For me, that was a very expensive lipstick.

I immediately locked eyes with the Lipstick Queen section of Ulta and started swarming this almost black shade of lipstick, slowly getting the courage to ask it out for a glass of wine … figuratively speaking (although spoiler alert, totally took it out for wine after). While the idea of black lipstick would once have me eye rolling and making bad jokes regarding the movie the Craft, I immediately felt soothed by it, probably because it mirrored the color of my soul at the time.

But it wasn’t black, it was a sheer berry tint called Bete Noir, or better known as the final nail in my goth coffin. I rolled a little on a Q-tip (which ps. Ulta, is the most annoying way to test a lipstick … like I know we all don’t want to get Herpes from one another, but there has GOT to be a better way to test this shit), and immediately fell in love. That was until I went to the register.

Woman checking me out: What will be $40.
Me: Come again?
Woman checking me out: $40 please.
Me: The lipstick is $40?
Woman checking me out: Yes … :::blank stare:::
Me: I’m sorry, but no. But … no I can’t. I’m sorry.

I pretended to leave, but instead I was pacing the aisles thinking about how in one split second when I applied the Q-tip amount of lipstick to myself, I felt awesome. But who spends $40 on a lipstick, for crying out loud?! Not someone who just got laid off, I’ll tell you that much. I mean sure I had a $20 gift card. And it DID make me feel so good, I knew the minute I left the store I would be daydreaming about it endlessly. What to do. What. To. Do.

All of a sudden the guilt of me having no right buying a $40 lipstick as an unemployed wonder of the world got its ass kicked by the idea of me needing to feel like a fantastic human being again. That is how I ended up with no job and a $40 lipstick that I love so much I could probably make out with it. It hydrates my lips, the packaging is to DIE for, AND stays on. But most importantly, like I said above, it made me feel like a human being again. And THAT shit is priceless.

Listen, I know I will get another job, and I know life throws these fucked up little curve balls for a reason, blah, blah, blahbity blah. But if you ever find yourself in a situation where you just need reassurance that you’re a human being that rocks … go to Sephora, Ulta, hell your local drug store will do the trick, and buy yourself a lipstick that makes you feel like your best self. I’m telling you, it’s better than wine. And that says a lot coming from me.

Top 10 Guilty Pleasures … Do You Dabble?

April 4, 2013.Reading time 6 minutes.

As I lay face down in my overflowing sea of caramel and marshmallow bunny rabbits … I can’t help but think about my guilty pleasures in life. You know … those things that may or may not be good for you, but are too satisfying to not indulge. Like … laying face down in a pile of Easter candy wrappers … not that I am … or … anything … :::coughs, wipes caramel away from corner of mouth inconspicuously:::

We all have them, we all love them … so why not chat about the things that make us feel secretly fantastic, right?

Behold ladies and the five gents that are reading this, my guilty pleasures in life, ahem …

1. Wearing Red Lipstick for No Reason: Whether I’m writing or just doing a whole lot of nothing, sometimes putting on some red lipstick turns a “blah” day into a special day. Sure, if anyone saw me randomly walking around my house by myself talking to my cat wearing red lipstick would say I’m one step away from becoming the crazed cat lady from the Simpsons … but it makes me feel good, alright?

2. Drinking Wine Whilst Eating Chocolate: If you are looking for a slice of heaven … come home from work one day, pour yourself a healthy glass of vino, get some M&Ms, or your chocolate or choice, and indulge. There truly is nothing more satisfying … well, I’m sure there is … but if you need a quick, relaxing fix … go to town on this one.

3. Laying on my Couch Watching Bravo and Drooling: This keeps me sane. When I need to tune out the world, relax, and not think, I get in my favorite sweats, plant myself on my couch and get lost in botoxed rich bitches screaming at each other. When I end up drooling, I know my mission of decompression has been completed. (Seriously how hawt am I?)

4. Instagramming Like a Bawwwwssss: Have you ever seen something really cool and said to yourself quietly, “I’m gonna Instagram the shit out that”? Oh yeah … no? Cool … me either :::Shifty eyes, backs away slowly::: Fine … my name is Kate and I’m addicted to Instagram (@LifeSucksInAStraplessBra follow along with me, please!)

5. Singing “What’s Up” By the 4 Non Blondes Really Loudly In My Car: And I said … HEEEEEEEEEY YEAAAAAA YEAAAAA YEAAAA EH EHHHH, HEEEEEEEEEEEY YEA YEAAAAAAAAA, I said HEY! AAAAA WHAT’S GOIN’ ON?! You should drive past me, I really put on a really fantastic show because I think I can sing … in my car … only.

6. Picking My Nail Polish Off: Okay, not an attractive quality, I get it … especially since doing this leaves me with crack head nails, but it is beyond satisfying, especially if you just need to zone out from stress. Of course afterwards I always say to myself, “dammit, why did I just do that!” but at the time it was worth it, that is what matters.

7. Changing Something About My Appearance: Hey remember the time I dyed my hair ombre … myself? Yeah … sometimes when I’m trying to get over something or get ridiculously bored … I get this violent urge to change something about myself. And it always makes me feel fantastic. Even if my hair doesn’t turn blonde but a weird shade of brownish-red, I consider it a win.

8. Pretending I’m A Bad Ass: Apart of me wants to hate people who wear sunglasses indoors, especially whilst shopping. Another part of me wants to slow clap them. Listen, sometimes when I go out in public I don’t want to see an-y-one. Oversized shades give me an opportunity to have a “Big Daddy” moment where I can act invisible. It is kind of genius, right? So if you see me wearing sunglasses out in public, in a store, chances are I don’t want to chat with you.

9. Pinning Before Bed: Some people say their prayers before they go to bed, I pin. Not only is it soothing … it is inspiration. I rarely know what I’m going to wear the next morning … so looking at some fab outfits gives me more time to hit snooze and less time to ponder what the hell I’m going to put on my bod.

10. Impulsively Buying Makeup At The Drugstore: Who hasn’t walked into a drugstore for tissues or tampons and found themselves in the makeup department randomly buying lip gloss or foundation. How could you not when beauty commercials leave taglines in your head like, “Get the London Look.” I’ll walk past the Rimmel London section and all of a sudden find myself saying, ummm hell YES, Georgia May Jagger, I want the London look! $50 later I have a bag full of random makeup that I don’t need and a box of tampons.

So since I spilled the beans … now I need to know … what are your guilty pleasures?

Things I Don’t Have The Balls To Do

January 10, 2013.Reading time 6 minutes.

It has taken me a long time to turn into the person I am today. There was a time where I barely spoke, let alone have the nerve to write a blog post with the word “balls” in it (sorry family). I’m finally at the point in my life where I’m like kind of okay with pushing boundaries … kind of. But there is one thing I still just CANNOT do …

… and that is walk out of my house without a drop of makeup on.

I know, I know … what the HELL is wrong with me, right? I thought, maybe I should go to a therapist, figure out what the core of this issue is. Perhaps I secretly hate myself? Maybe it stems from years of repressed teenage rage? Or is it that I’ve come to find makeup as the mask I use to hide behind society and all of its pure evils!

Nope … here is what’s up. A. I love makeup. I love the way it looks, feels, smells … I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT :::kicks legs up in the air::: And B. I look a hot mess without it. For serious. I’m not one of those girls that walks out of the shower all dewy (ps. I loathe that word, why did I just use it) and fresh, ready to take on the world. Oh hell no. Those Neutrogena commercials are bullshit. My skin, pre-airbrushed, ain’t perfect, to say the least. Blotchy spots, blemishes, and dry skin for days. Woof.

Yes, moisturizer is my bestie. But even if I lather on the cream, it still doesn’t make me instantaneously human being-friendly. My skin may be hydrated, but the blotchy, blemish bullshit is still very much present. Only now my skin looks super glossy … ick … sick, not sexy.

But there are a few instances where you will see me leave my house sans makeup:

1. If I’m Legit Sick (like I was this week): I could care less if my face makes you want to run in a cave and hide for the rest of your life. I honestly feel bad for my doctor and the people I come across in his office, because that man only sees me when I’m like a stage 5 hot mess. I’m like the Queen of all hot messes out there. But you know what, I could care less. When I’m that sick, a parade of ex-boyfriends could strut through his office and I still wouldn’t give a shit. I’m lucky if I’m not drooling on myself at that point.

2. If I’m Super Glow-Fab Tan: Perfectly sun-kissed skin doesn’t need makeup. Maybe a pop of mascara, but besides that … I’m going to rock out with the free bronzer, yo.

3. If There Is An Emergency: If someone is in the hospital, if someone needs my help, if on the face scale of pain you say you are at a 10 where the smiley face doesn’t even look like a smiley face anymore because it is wincing so badly … yes, I will drop everything, including my makeup bag, and run to you.

4. From The Shower To My Makeup Table: I’ll be makeup-free in that like five-minute window, so if you are that desperate to see me without … try to catch me then.

5. When I Sleep: I don’t sleep with makeup on … soberly. I believe it speeds up the aging process and I’m trying to look like I’m in my 20’s forevah-evah. So I am very diligent about removing it before bedtime and applying expensive anti-aging (it’s best to start now) … unless I’m drunk. You have a better chance of seeing me make out with Justin Timberlake than me actually taking off my makeup before bed whilst under the influence of vodka. Either way, I’m waking up looking a hot mess.

So there you have it. I am confident enough to admit that makeup for me is a comfort blanket of some sort. Without it I absolutely feel naked, and even worse, I have less swagger, if you will.

At the end of the day, we want to give into trends and all this ridiculously expensive beauty nonsense to make our swagger that much stronger. A good bag of makeup that makes your feel beautiful has the power to change your whole day. And a good day can change your whole world … trust me, that’s all it takes.

Anxiety In The Makeup Department

January 6, 2013.Reading time 7 minutes.

2013 is here and I don’t know about you, but I get the urge to revamp every aspect of my life this time of year. I feel empowered to work harder, try new things, get healthy (although I am not one of those diet-obsessed/gym membership-crazed freaks), and really just get the urge to start kicking ass and taking names. It feels amazing … even if I know it may or may not last.

But I also find myself VERY bored with my overall appearance. I’m literally yawning at myself in the mirror. I feel like my hair style hasn’t changed since early 2002, which concerns me. Have you ever seen those women with the hairstyles from the 1980’s who think they look absolutely smashing, but clearly are unaware of the fact that 20 years have passed? Am I that person now?! Are ” the kids” laughing at me saying like, “wow, nice straight hair from 2002, granny!” Eek!

So I had an Ulta gift card burning a hole in my pocket, and thought why not start revamping my look with some new glam-a-lam. There were two definite things I ran out of that I needed, but besides that I had an open mind. When I got there, I had extreme makeup ADD. My mind was literally going, “oh Stila, but wait … Smashbox lip glosses?! OMG stop … Bare Minerals … ahhh!” Like I could NOT focus for the life of me.

In essence … here is why I cannot shop in stores that strictly just sell beauty products.

1. The pretty colors distract me: I know, I’m five. But seriously, the way the makeup lines are set up with all the pretty colors and containers exposed makes it extremely difficult for me to focus on one thing. I’m like jumping from lip glosses to shadows to different brands to hair dryers in seconds. Not only that it’s like lip glosses, eye shadows, nail polishes, hair styling tools, spa items, bags, hair accessories … like my sweet Jesus … enter anxiety attack stage left.

2. Idiots Work There: I mean no disrespect and I’m not saying ALL people that work in these stores are idiots, but if you are working in a department that sells $40 lip glosses … you should probably know a thing or two about A. customer service and B. the product itself. I was clearly wandering around like a lost fool in front of these two sales associates today who were having a really vibrant conversation about their college experience and what they wanted to do with their lives. “:::twirls hair::: Like I have a broadcasting degree … but like, you can’t really do a lot with it, so I’m just here for now until I figure something else out.” Seriously, that’s fantastic and all … I’m glad your educated, but mama needs help picking out products. Help a sista out, for the love of God! They didn’t even acknowledge me, and I really didn’t want to ask their opinions because I just had this inkling that they would turn me into Snooki. And yeah … no.

3. Brand Overload: We all have brands that we are loyal to for one reason or another, but like I said … new year, time to branch out a little. But how do you know what is good and what isn’t? Sure, you can read all the reviews and ask for opinions … but at the end of the day everyone’s skin and style is different, so really you are forced to just test products blindly. No offense, but buying a $20 eye liner without knowing for a fact that I am going to adore it doesn’t seem too appealing to me. They blind us with brand bling … yet I have no guarantees.

4. The Necessities: I went into Ulta for two products, but had an open mind for some new thangs. I found myself torn between what I needed and what I wanted. I wanted to try out a dark red lipstick, but I needed new gold-ish eye shadow because I knew I was going to run out shortly. I wanted the cool new colors from Smashbox, but needed a new Mascara. Hence why I was walking around the department like a lost fool. The stylish angel on my shoulder was pushing me one way while the saucy devil on the other was trying to get me to do bad things.

5. I’m Super Cheap: The beauty behind Sephora is that they don’t give you the “cheaper” option. They are literally like too f-ing bad … we have high-end brands and if you must go slightly cheaper, we have the Sephora brand for you … which is still kind of pricy. But with Ulta you have one side full of glitzy, higher-end brands, and then the classic Revlon, Almay, Covergirl, etc. on the other side. So when I find a $20 designer eye shadow and fall in love with it … I end up going to the other side to go find it for cheaper. That’s just how I roll.

So there ya have it. I literally didn’t step out of my makeup comfort zone because I got so overwhelmed by all of the above. Sigh … damn you Ulta … you’ve won this one.

Turning Makeup Chaos Into Makeup Sense

August 30, 2012.Reading time 6 minutes.

I’m a notorious pack rat. I save every little tiny piece of everything to have a “memory.” And according to the shelf on top of my closet, I have far too many memories to store since I risk a box of Hallmark cards from 1995 falling on my head and giving me a concussion every time I enter my closet. It is not just keepsakes that I hang on to … oh no. Makeup hoarding a whole ‘nother hoarding issue to deal with.

Check out Exhibit A. to the left. Yes, that is a Nordstrom bag pretty much filled with makeup that I tossed after going on a violent cleaning rampage whilst listening to the Blueprint III. I basically use five or six products on my face every day. Maybe seven if I’m putting my fancy pants on for the night. So I thought to myself, why in Jesus Christ’s name do I have a horrific drawer filled to the brim with nonsense that I never use, making it hard for me to track down the makeup I actually want to apply, which in turn makes me late.

It wasn’t just makeup that was filling my makeup drawer with chaos, it was excess nonsense that was turning my drawer into the land of cray-cray. Eye liner shavings, caps from God only knows what, three bottles of red nail polish, all old as hell, all half empty (#problems), my hair (yes, I straighten my hair at my vanity, which is where my makeup drawer is … and I shed like a mofo), boxes from makeup I’ve purchased and never thrown out, old razors (yeah, I know … I questioned that one too), black powder (I’m hoping it was eye shadow and that someone was not trying to poison me secretly) … and so much other ridiculous crap.

So if you feel like your makeup drawer is like the cave of wonders holding nonsense you could do without, learn how I transformed my makeup drawer, Exhibit A to the left, by asking myself the following questions … ahem:

1. Have you worn this in the past month? If not, toss.

2. Was it expensive? Doesn’t really matter if you haven’t worn it in the past month, toss.

3. Is this a color/product you have been holding out on to because you need time to experiment with it but haven’t gotten around to it? Toss … you’ll never get around to it if you haven’t already.

4. Are you just saving this makeup for a “what if” scenario? Have you been saving it since college? Toss … if a “what if” pops up there is an Ulta/Sephora on almost every corner next to all Starbucks now.

5. Is it absolutely disgusting to the point that it creeps you out to even touch. Toss!

6. Are you just saving it because it is a cute sample size and makes you happy. Toss … and for the love and get a therapist while you’re at it.

7. Do you have 17 of the same product … all half empty (like my mascara issue)? Toss it ALL and start fresh, unless they are different brands.

8. Do you find yourself collecting said item (like me and my empty bottles of perfume)? Who has room for that kind of shit … toss!

9. Are you just hanging on to shitty makeup brushes so it looks like you have numerous different kinds like the experts tell you to? TOSS … shitty brushes don’t count.

10. Are you saving all this shitty, old makeup so it looks like you have an overflowing drawer? Toss it all. Christ, less is more when it comes to makeup. Quality over quantity. No one is ever going to look at your makeup drawer expect you and maybe your roommates, significant other, and/or best friends once in a blue moon. All people who will not care if you have 10 really great makeup products over 100 old, probably useless and outdated ones.

And after asking myself the above 10 questions, behold Exhibit B, my makeup drawer of perfection! Sure it looks bare, but having the chaos eliminated is truly amazing. Do you understand how genius it is to put my hand in my makeup drawer and not pull it out to discover a weird powder or liquid on it!? Ah-mazing.

I suggest all makeup drawer owners to ask yourself those 10 questions. Coming from a girl who has a makeup hoarding issue and literally had makeup from her college years (yes … college … I won’t date myself by saying how long ago that was) and was keeping it for the “what if” factor making my makeup drawer look like swamp thing, you can do it. I have faith in you. Turn on the Blueprint III and get to business. Less is more and remember, this is your face and body. Take care of it properly!