Why Holiday Sales Are The Absolute Worst

6a00e54efdf1128833014e88ff7927970dIf you’re anything like me you’re still in a food coma, craving a deliciously healthy salad for lunch, and have contemplated taking a long break from alcohol. Yep. The Monday following Thanksgiving is the worst. 

But you know what takes the cake for being the absolute worst, though? Black Friday. And not just Black Friday, but Black Friday weekend followed by “Cyber Monday.” I never partake in Black Friday shenanigans simply because seeing people lose their shit over 20% off sales makes me highly uncomfortable.

This year, though, I accidentally ventured out, and on my way to a relaxing pedicure thought to myself, “hmm why is Walnut Street in Philly so crowded?” And then my heart sank on the sidewalk as some sale hungry woman shoved me out of the way as I remembered, “IT’S. BLACK. FRIDAY.” 

Instead of going underground and seeking shelter, I had a “when in Rome,” moment, took a deep breath and entered H&M simply because I’m a jewelry whore and needed a new statement necklace. And guess what? I survived. 

So I took another deep breath and entered Zara … which looked like they had just made an announcement that in an hour there was going to be no more clothes available, ever, in the entire world. People were like hanging from the rafters. Well not really, but you get the picture. So I folded.

While I did not become a Black Friday convert, after spending some time out with the Black Friday shoppers, I believe I have pinpointed why it is the absolute worst … 

The heat: it’s funny, in casinos they pump in fresh, cold air to keep people awake and wanting to waste more of their hard earned money on slots. Yet, in the stores, even though it was a balmy 65 degrees out, it was like the tropics. Making me want to faint and vomit all at the same time.

The unnecessary attitudes: I witnessed an older woman bark at every person who walked past the line to check out that, “THERE WAS ONE LINE! ONE. LINE!” And God dammit it started back there! BACK THERE, I SAY! Of course, every time she did this, she felt the need to turn around to me and give me a look like, “can you believe these people?!” Why do these freaks always find me?

The careless shoppers: you know them. The ones at the register that are like, “this dress is only $10!? Shit, I’m going to go grab 10 more!” Leaves the cashier, takes 10 hours to grab 10 more, and holds the damn line up. And then comes back like, “oh well … didn’t have my size!” Meanwhile the line to checkout is now wrapped around the store five times. Cool. 

Unnecessary noise: why (:::cough:::, Mac cosmetics ::::cough:::) do you feel like hiring a DJ that plays loud, obnoxious rave music that is just different octaves of “UNTZ, UNTZ, UNTZ” is an effective way to bring in shoppers? Because this is always what happens…


Sales person: WHAT? :::untz … untz … untz:::


Sales person: HOLD.

:::Comes back with a red lipstick::::

Shopper: NO I SAID MATTE … YOU KNOW WHAT … fuck this I’m leaving.

I could go on but that would just be irritating for all parties involved. This holiday season, treat the people working at these stores like human beings. They don’t own the store you are shopping in. Nor do they have control over the fact that what you want is sold out. They are just trying to make a living so they too can enjoy their holidays. So stop being assholes. That’s all I ask. ‘Tis the season, right? 


Fear And Loathing Of Crowds

holiday-shopping-crowdI wouldn’t say I have claustrophobia issues. And I wouldn’t say that I’m a recluse who lives in her basement, petting her cats whilst eating canned goods. I’m totally good going out and functioning as a normal human being with the rest of the general population.

That is … until there are crowds.

Yesterday I attended a pre-party for a store opening. Philly is bursting at the seams right now with amazing new shopping venues. Which you would think would make me the happier than a clam, which, in a way, I am, don’t get me wrong. But when the words “pre-party” and “free” and “tote bags” and “alcohol” and “free alcohol” get tossed around to the public, it gives people this idea that they can act like complete assholes in public and not consider their fellow man. So run. RUN FAST.


I don’t know what I was expecting, a butler wearing white gloves serving me a chilled glass of champagne as I walk in, greeting me with a, “welcome kate, your shopping destination awaits,” escorting me in to another butler who hands me a tote bag filled to the brim with branded good and gift cards. The aisles are cleared and the perfectly organized designer goods on the glimmering silver racks wait patiently as I prepare to shop. A few lovely, calm people in pristine outfits flutter about me, shopping quietly as they sip on their champagne. As I make my way to the second floor, another butler in white gloves notices my champagne needs to be refreshed as I make my way to the shoe section. As I go to sit down to try on a pair of Louboutins on sale for $100, the butler comes over and offers me a lovely shoulder massage.

And then I woke up.

In real life, pre-party store openings aren’t like that. You think it is all exclusive and shit, but it isn’t. It is like walking into a jungle. You need to take off any extra layers, remove your hoops, and go in ready for battle.

I wish I had a pic of my face the minute I walked into the store. First of all it was 100 degrees, and second of all, there were SO many people, I could barely tell if I was staring at men’s clothing or women’s clothing. And no one moved. No. One. It was like I was having an outer body experience and didn’t exist to these people. I started walking around just to well, walk around. I think I was scared that if I stayed stationary too long someone would try to buy the clothes off of my body.

The only way I could describe the look in these people’s eyes was ravenous. You could tell they would do anything and everything for the free goods and insane deals before anyone else got their hands on them. I literally was a bumbling fool, wandering around in circles, making my way through people (which was no easy task) as “excuse me” didn’t work, and pushing past them only led them to offer me with a lovely, “ummm bitch” comment.

I looked around and saw some people had their shopping bags filled to the brim with goods, and I wondered how they could shop in such conditions. I contemplated exploring the accessories section, as it looked much calmer than the rest, but the idea of picking up a statement necklace and having some crazy broad bite my hand off (literally and figuratively) freaked me out far too much. So I went to make my grand escape.

I shoved through people, who, again, literally did not give a shit that I existed, only when I went against what I believe in and shoved past them without an “excuse me,” which awoke them from their shopping haze to notice that I was, indeed, a bitch messing with their space. Yikes. I ran to the exit, only to find that it was only an “entrance.” What? There is clearly a door to exit here, but no no … I’ll walk across the entire store through these crazy free shit hungry bastards to the OTHER “real” exit, no worries. I’m sure I’ll emerge unscathed.

I took a second to find a safe path, free of crazytown shoppers, which entailed a lot of zig-zagging through racks of unimpressive men’s clothing (these people probably thought I was the crazy one). I finally made my way to the real exit and was greeted by a man who met me with a, “I hope you enjoyed shopping with us!” I rolled my eyes at him and shoved through the revolving doors, wanting to rip off my clothing as I was sweating profusely.

Annoyed. Hot. Overwhelmed. Anxiety-ridden. And not a new piece of clothing on my person. I was straight up miserable. You would think all of that commotion happened in hours, but it truly happened in less than 15 minutes. I won’t give away the name of this store because I do adore it, and look forward to the day I can shop there in peace. Without the free goods. Without the insane people.

But for now, until everyone gets over their “new shiny penny” syndrome, I will be calmly and quietly shopping at the old dusty stores people are SO over. Because one thing I learned about myself is mama cannot handle shopping crowds.

A Few Words On Black Friday

I literally couldn’t bring myself to go to a mall today. I absolutely needed to, but couldn’t do it. Why? Well, plain and simple I was scared of sale freaks. The freaks that sat in tents on Thanksgiving weekend outside of malls all over the United States to get the greatest deals. I apologize if you were one of those people, but that kind of behavior freaks me out. Don’t get me wrong, I die for a good deal myself … but not when I am in a full-blown food coma … AND A Very Gaga Thanksgiving was on (Ps. that was ABSOLUTELY fantastic, watch it if you didn’t!)

So here are my top five reasons for me being over joyed that Black Friday is almost over. Now we can just go back to normal, holiday shopping chaos … thank the Gods.

1. No More God Awful, Annoying Ads: Okay, maybe some of them were creative and fantastic, like the Target ads … very well done Target. That woman in red, pretty much making fun of every crazed, pill popping Black Friday shopper was genius. Kohl’s on the other hand. Every time I heard your rendition of “It’s Black Friday, Black Friday, Black Friday” by that annoying so and so from YouTube made me want to punt my television slash radio EVERY single time it came on. Seriously, my ears bled. The next time I heard that ad would be too soon. Die.

2. Black Friday Myths: I literally don’t go to stores because of hearing stories that people heard from people who heard from other people, perhaps I’m a fool for doing so. “Oh my God, Jody told me that when she was at the Gap, this woman jumped on one of the sweater tables and started throwing sweaters up in the air because they were buy 2, get one free … but they didn’t have any sizes left.” Seriously, I bet the mall isn’t THAT bad, but people hype it up so much that you don’t even want to go near the place. Hell, I don’t even want to be in the same city. I’m thinking because of nonsense like this, stores may or may not have lost money … just sayin’.

3. Black Friday Crack: It is like when the turkey and stuffing kind of digests … crack starts flowing through the veins of the American public and starts making them crazed. I really don’t know what it is. Perhaps people at the turkey farms inject crack into the turkeys, so when we eat them, we get the crack in our systems that makes us want to punch people and be extremely rude the minute we enter a store. Settle people, the nonsense you are looking for will be there … it always has been. Perhaps it just won’t have 2 God damn dollars off though. I mean for the love …

4. The Juice Might Not Be Worth The Squeeze: People hear “sale” and they immediately think, holy lord, if I don’t get this one item for this price, I will most certainly spontaneously combust. Here’s my rule, unless it is at least 50% off and there is a guarantee that I won’t have to body slam some other shopper to get the last one, than hell yes I will go and purchase it. Otherwise, my bed is calling … sorry sale. You lose, you always do.

5. Greedy, Evil Shoppers: I hate people, especially people in stores and malls in general. You know the ones in a crowded aisle when you have a cart, and there is a cart traffic jam and they have to huff and puff while saying, “UM, EXCUSE ME,” in the sharpest, most evil spirited way possible, while you move and they give you a look that could probably kill. So therefore, when they get the turkey crack and fiend for sales like a vampire fiends for human blood … I want to be nowhere near these crazy bastards. It disturbs me that people ACTUALLY get physically hurt from Black Friday shopping due to crazy bitches going nuts over getting that ONE item for their kid. There are herds of people, you get pushed, shoved, oxygen levels are low, it is hotter than hell … and so on, I could honestly go on for days. It is all nonsense, seriously … there is no reason to treat people with disrespect in general, let alone over a silly sale!

So there it is … good riddens one day of the year that makes people with money in their pockets go bonkers. Me, on the other hand, I enjoyed sleeping in my bed all day … ha ha.