(wh)Y Are Dresses So Ugly Right Now?!

8f0c7e79da7ede9d2a1185d25c4fc39eI have a holiday party on the horizon, and even though I have a solid 3 options currently sitting in my closet, I decided to take to the interwebs in search of “the perfect dress.” 

You know what I mean when I say “perfect dress” right? That dress you imagine yourself in, walking into rooms, making people gasp at your beauty, and twirling the night away. You know, that dress that DOES. NOT. EXIST. Am I the only one that builds this amazingly stunning dress in their brain only to find it doesn’t exist or costs $5,000? Because it’s fucking infuriating. 

Anywho … back to my search on the interwebs. 

My perfect dress could not be found. Hence why cardinal rule of dress buying is if you see one that you really like, even if you don’t need it, BUY. IT. Because a dress should make a woman feel like a woman (man, I have this strong urge to listen to Shania Twain…). Make you feel like Beyonce with a side of Britney and a touch of Gaga. 

But you know what I did find? Ugly. Lots of it. In bulk. I don’t know who decided the 90’s were violently back in and nothing else, or that vagina’s should be invited to holiday parties, too, but my GAWD, people. My eyes!

As a good fashion blogger, I should probably share with you all the cool looks for the holiday’s and where to find them, but fuck that. I have to share with you this heinousness that we as women have to be exposed to because it’s too funny not to share. 

So laugh slash cringe with me, won’t you? 

Tell me, why did this stylist feel the need to throw a white T under a long satin dress? Oh that’s right … because apparently it is 1995 and I didn’t get the memo. Duh. 

screen-shot-2016-12-09-at-1-05-14-pm

If you wear this and someone offers you a bottle full of milk, do NOT be surprised. Because you look like an oversized baby, and you can thank good ol’ Urban Outfitters for that disaster. 

40609273_050_b

It is totally cool to not wear pants in the privacy of your own home. Pants sucks. But when you get the urge to not wear pants out in public, or, I don’t know, say a holiday party, fight it. Fight it hard. Pants in public, kids, pants in public. :::The More You Know star swipe:::

screen-shot-2016-12-09-at-1-08-25-pm

Number 1: That dress is see through. Number 2: the solve for said see through dress is not a cotton gray top over a pair of skinny black denim pants. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! Dear H&M, fire your stylists. Like IMMEDIATELY.

screen-shot-2016-12-09-at-1-10-13-pm

If I was going to a party that was located in my bedroom, with a reservation at a table that was my bed, and Netflix as my date, then fuck yes, dress of the year. Otherwise … holy sweater bag dress, Batman. 

screen-shot-2016-12-09-at-1-12-10-pm

Aaaaaaand apparently my vagina and ass were invited to this party. Seriously, Urban Outfitters, go home, you’re drunk. 

40416299_001_b

Sweet mother… bib overall dress, you guys. No no no … BIB. OVERALL. DRESS. Bib overall dress. BIB OVERALL DRESS! I can’t. I really just … nope. I got nothing. :::bangs head against wall:::

screen-shot-2016-12-09-at-1-14-52-pm

If I have any desire to just say, “fuck it, I’m drinking the Kool Aid,” this is the dress I would wear to my cult initiation. 

8534857401_1_1_1

Da fuck?

2731264800_2_4_1

Did I accidentally spike my Diet Coke with acid or did this stylist think it was a cool idea to drape a backless cropped turtle neck sweater over a prom dress that a cast member of 10 Things I Hate About You wore?

8320809713_2_2_1

Whoreville, population one. 

0094_09349312_0962_f23

Dresses, Dresses, Where Art Thou Dresses?

Photo credit: http://www.liveluvcreate.com/image/nothing_to_wear-383015.html
Photo credit: http://www.liveluvcreate.com/image/nothing_to_wear-383015.html

What’s the age old saying, “a watched pot never boils.” Well, yeah, the same goes for shopping when you are looking for something specific.

Say you are looking for a red leather crop top (bare with me), and you go out to hunt for that one and only red leather crop top … I guarantee you, you will not find it. It’s just how the universe works. You will find everything else under the sun during that hunt, jeans, leather jackets, spectacular statement jewelry. All things fine and dandy … but just not in the budget … because God dammit, you are in need of a red leather crop top (don’t ask me where the red leather crop top came from … it manifested in my brain and … well … wah-laa).

My frustration is stemming from the fact when a girl needs a great dress … they can never be found. At least that is how the cookie crumbles for me. Any other random time in life when my day planner has tumble weeds rolling across it, I stumble across the most drool-worthy dresses that make me crave someplace fancy to go. Do I buy them? Absolutely not. Something shiny will catch my eye, and since I have no place to go, the shiny thing wins. And then there are the times, like right now, when everyone and their mother is having an event slash getting married, and the only options that I have in front of me are to wear are my birthday suit (gross) or a dress I have worn about 15 bazillion times. Yawn.

Sure, I could Rent The Runway. I’m a HUGE fan of Renting said Runway. It is pure genius … IF you only have one event to go to in that month. Unfortunately for me (I mean yaaaaaaay weddings), I have a bazillion, like I said. So Renting the Runway just wouldn’t be a financially smart move. I’m in the market for a new fancy dress, anyways. A girl should invest in at least one a year, right? And lucky for me, all events I have will be with different people. Therefore they will NEVER know I wore the same dress a bazillion times … that is unless they are reading this, well, then …. hey, ya got me. Give me a break, what do I look like, Paris Hilton?

If only I could find said dress :::sigh::: Especially after seeing all the magic during NYFW and now LFW, I want something spectacular, something different, something that doesn’t have a DVF price tag. I’ve gone to Nordstrom, Nordstrom Rack, Zara (which had some awesome dresses, but everything I liked was in white, and that is a HUGE no-no whilst attending a wedding), and yeah … yawn central. Everything is so cookie cutter. Short, strapless, crew neck, a little leather, a little sparkle. Literally have seen it a million times.

Lesson learned: When you see a good dress that makes you swoon and fits you like a glove, no matter what you have going on in your life, buy it, for the love of God. So you don’t find yourself in these situations like I’m in, banging your head against the wall, and contemplating going to stores you would never step foot in only because you have run out of options. “Oooh I wonder if Talbots has any hot looks?!”

HELP! I’m Scared Of A Bra

Screen shot 2014-04-21 at 7.46.36 PMSo I thought life sucks in a strapless bra … no, life probably sucks more in a bra that is backless. Yes. Backless.

I love backless dresses. Always have. I think it is a really classy way to show a little skin without having your taas out or a slit going all the way up to your who-ha. I’m not talking about your entire back exposed so everyone can see your tramp stamp, no. Just a little, you know, peek-a-boo, if you will.

I stupidly fell in love with a dress at Zara that was backless … and on sale … for $20. I mean how could you possibly resist a to-die-for sale like this, right? It was that romantic length down to my ankles, cap sleeves. You know what, let me show you a picture … see below:

photo-17

Lovely … right? I was slash am obsessed with it. It’s comfortable, simple … everything a girl could want in a dress. But wait a tick … how does one with rather large taas get away without wearing a bra with this dress? If I do wear a bra, it will be exposed in the back, and I’m pretty sure only Carrie Bradshaw can pull off exposing a lime green bra whereas I would look like I got tossed from the hot mess express. So … what the hell do you do? Because unfortunately going braless is not an option. Trust me. Half of the room would be really excited when I walked in, leading me to turn 50 shades of red and run away in a panic, and half would be trying to sew a scarlett “S” on my chest for “slut.” No thanks. Also, this dress is slightly see-through. Le sigh … anything else Zara dress, ya needy jerk!?

So I went to the experts (shout out to Kim over at Linda the Bra lady), and cried to her with my brassues. I had tried a backless bra from Victoria’s Secret that basically had masking tape on the sides that you would stick to either side of your taas, which supposedly you could wear more than once, but in real life would slide off the minute you began to sweat. And quite frankly I didn’t want to have to carry masking tape in my purse to this event I was attending in said above dress. And yes, once upon a time when I was in college, I wore that stupid Victoria’s Secret backless bra and brought masking tape with me in case it fell off. Which it did. Pan to me masking taping my taas in the bathroom of a bar. Stay classy, self.

So enter Nubra bra stage left. When I met with Kim, I explained to her my bra dilemma and how I really can’t “free ball,” if you will (what … it’s okay for guys to say it but not me?). She introduced me to the Nubra bra and immediately I had flashbacks of the time back in college where I was masking taping my bra back on in some shady bar bathroom. I’m a big girl now … I need a big girl bra. According to Kim, she wore this bra on her wedding day, when it was a bazillion degrees and never came off. Wait, what? Yeah … I know … I was amazed, too. I was sold immediately because quite frankly, you don’t screw with a girl on her wedding day … especially one who is a bra expert. Ring me up.

Since purchasing, I’ve taken the Nubra bra on a test drive, and yes, it is thoroughly strange to wear … but oddly comfortable. No, it doesn’t support your taas in a way that magical underwire can, but does the trick for something staying up with just adhesive cups. You know that feeling of falling when you are just about to fall asleep? Well, this is the feeling I get walking around with this thing. Except instead of falling I’m waiting with bated breath for this thing to fall off.

I will be wearing Nubra this Thursday at an event, and need as many positive vibes as possible that a heinous wardrobe malfunction doesn’t occur. I suppose that is why alcohol was invented, right? Don’t get me wrong, I trust Kim’s opinion, but there is something about big taas and no underwire … and no back for that matter … that makes me EXTREMELY nervous.

Stay tuned for the aftermath post!

Skanks, Skanks Everywhere …

originalSo I just returned from my birthday excursion to Atlantic City (yes, I’m offish 26). And in the midst of my hangover, I need to share with you the spell I noticed that washes over every girl the minute they hit the casino floor. No it is not the urge to gamble all your money away, chain smoke and start chugging vodka … it is the urge to dress like a straight up skank. You can’t control it, you just want to let it wash over your body until your ass is hanging out of short shorts and your ta’s are all out and about.

So I had on a really fantastic flowy Theory dress with an open back. Beautiful? Yes. Classy? Totes. AC appropriate? Jesus, no. It is all about the age-old saying, “when in Rome.” And when in Atlantic City, you need to show as much skin as humanly possible without actually walking around naked … derh. And like I said, I had this incredible urge to look skankalicious.

So I changed into a skin-tight, short as shit lacy number, since I brought like 15 options with me, and five-inch sparkly heels (I mean it was my birthday) and I finally felt like I was home. Why? Because there are really a few places on this earth that you can dress that skanky openly and not be judged, so I indulged … just a little.

But when I was “out in da club” rubbing shoulders with every dress Forev Twent has ever created, I noticed there are different types of Atlantic City-skankdom.

1. The Kim Kardashian Skank: Too much makeup, extensions down to your ass, 5 inch peep toe stilettos, the tightest banded dresses I’ve ever seen to accentuate the curves and usually all in black or nude. You stand there with a serious pout, hands on hips, very model-esque. The only difference is Kim’s look is (probably) designer, and these girls … not so much. Nice try, though.

2. The Dirty Skank: These are the girls that have no right wearing what they are wearing. Perhaps the dress they are rocking isn’t fitting properly, things don’t match, the hair, the jewels, the shoes just aren’t working … I mean it could be a number of things. I don’t want to be catty or rude … you get the drift.

3. The Diamonds in the Rough: In the midst of bad dresses and skanky whores, there are a few girls who have actual style. They didn’t just throw on a tight dress, high heels and straighten their hair. They wear the statement bling, the styled dress with the booties to match. I mean these are runway-esque looks. These are the girls I want to tap on the shoulder and say, “hey, you look fab.”

4. The “Oh … I totally have that dress” Skank: I tell you, when you are in a crowded club and you look around, you’ll see millions of girls, literally … in some sense … wearing the same dress. It is either from Forev 21, H&M or Express. Bet me money. And these girls, who are all wearing the same dress in essence, are competing against one another. They are swinging their hips, throwing their heads back laughing, making eyes to cute boys, AND secretly wishing you and every other girl competitor would die a slow death. There is nothing to these girls besides a slutty dress and an evil eye.

So there you have it. I woke up this morning like Cindarella after the clock struck 12 and transformed back into my non-skanky self and said, “get me the hell out of here, for the love of God.”

But these”going out dress” bore me to death. We need to come up with something new, like pants, for example. Pants … they are so hot right now … pants.

 

Don’t Shame The Dress Just Because It’s Good!

Okay so we all have that … I believe Beyoncé referred to it as the “freakum dress.” That one dress that fits us like a glove, hugs all the right spots and makes us feel like we could strut the catwalk. When you try this dress on in the fitting room, at least I know I want to jump up and down, put my hands on my hips, strike a model pose and look at myself in every angle on my tippy toes.

So you buy said “freakum dress” for a specific occasion, wear it, hit it out of the park … and then what? You had a great night in it, met lots of fantastic people, fantastic things happened … and when the night is over, is it supposed to be sucked into the vortex of your closet never to return? According to society, yes … that is EXACTLY what is supposed to happen. Would Kim Kardashian be caught in the same dress she got at Bloomingdale’s twice? HELL no … so why, the average Josephine, should we? Oh THAT’S right … because I’m NOT a Kardashian … rriiiigggghhhttt.

I swear, we live in a world now where it is quite easy to think of yourself as a celebrity with our social media, smartphones and high-speed careers. And it has been pounded in our heads that it is such a faux pas to wear the same dress numerous times. For example, when I went to New York this weekend, I brought two different dress options with me, one was new and the other was my freakum dress that I had worn about three times prior. I put on dress number one and EH, but when I tried on my freakum magic, I IMMEDIATELY felt shame because I had worn it so much, no matter how fantastic it looked. Luckily my wise friend that I was with asked me why I was shaming a dress because it was good and immediately I snapped out of it. (So wise that one).

So why didn’t I want to wear my go-to dress? Well, I was worried that I had been photographed in it numerous times at different functions. What? Hi self, YOU AREN’T A KARDASHIAN. It isn’t like these photos would end up on the cover of US Weekly with a headline that reads, “Kate’s Freakum Dress Strikes Again,” or “Wardrobe Repeat Kate.” Let’s be honest, the only place those pictures would end up is Facebook, and if you are sitting on Facebook counting the times I re-wore the dress, well Jesus, God save you. I also fear bitchy people recognizing me wearing the dress and calling me out for it. Hey, those jerks DO exist are out there.

We aren’t celebrities, and if you are … I am green with envy, let me tell you. But I’m assuming everyone reading this is probably not famous  … so if you have a dress that you love and could kiss and makes you feel like the minute you step out of your house paparazzi will be standing there flashing cameras in your face … wear it dammit and wear it good! Wear it as much as you want, because good dresses come few and far between. I’m not giving you the green light to rock every weekend, because, well that would be a little over the top, but you get the idea.

Dresses are meant to be worn, not to be retired after one wear like a one-of-a-kind piece of couture. Thank you to my lovely friend for these fabulous words of wisdom. I rocked the hell out of my freakum dress in New York City because I refuse to shame another fabulous dress I own. Sometimes … it is okay to not have to keep up with the Jones.