The Mani Cam’s Death Rattle

CaptureRecently, I’ve expressed my disdain for E! News covering red carpets. Seriously, if I were a movie star, I would politely try and not make eye contact with Guiliana Rancic or Ryan Seacrest whilst making my way into the theater. “Oh hey, E! News … oh sugar, I have to take this phone call, BRB :::violently runs away:::”

So you can understand why I want to kiss Jennifer Aniston’s Aveeno-smooth skin for refusing to participate in dancing her two fingers down the “mani cam red carpet.” Seriously bitch, slow clap for you. I don’t know what it is about her lately, but she added some Tabasco sauce to that vanilla exterior of hers.

The mani cam is pointless. And tacky. And I hate it (bonus points if you recognize that quote). First of all, they should call it the “bling cam,” (ps. E! News, if you steal this idea you will feel my wrath), because all they EVER comment on is the jewels the celebs are rocking on their fingers and wrists. “So tell us who made that FANTASTIC ring!” and “Oh look! Your nails look like little tuxedos! How adorbs! EEEEEEE! :::ass kissing, ass kissing, and more, ass kissing:::” are the only comments you will hear.

Never once will a celeb be like, “yeah I’m wearing OPI Lincoln Park After dark in gel, with a matching OPI top coat.” Isn’t the red carpet for advertising? Don’t designers throw gorgeous dresses at celebs so they can be like, “Hi, stupid entertainment news person interviewing me, I’m wearing Zak Posen.” And that is when millions of viewers fall in love with Zak Posen and start selling their souls and putting themselves in massive debt to buy his shit in order to look like their favorite movie star. Yep. That is how it works, people.

So tell me, if this mani cam exists, why don’t any celebs talk about the nail color they are wearing or who did their nails, or what salon they went to, or what style their nails are. Round, square, cat-like? Are they fake? Yeah. Think about it. As a nail artist, hell yes I would want a celeb to drop my name to Seacrest. And as an awesome nail polish company that I happen to be obsessed with, OPI (hey boo, call me), I would ABSOLUTELY want a celeb to wear my latest line of color and name drop that shit on the red carpet. But alas, it doesn’t happen. Because turns out entertainment reporters and myself have something in common. We both get VERY distracted by shiny things.

So good for celebs, like Jennifer Aniston, for finally putting their stiletto down and politely declining to “DANCE, MONKEY, DANCE” like E! News so desperately wants them to. No one cares that you decided to get a french manicure to match your dress. Yawn. Seriously. Yawn.

Someone over at E! News, kindly take a hammer to that thing and put it out of its misery, and go back to the drawing board. Maybe let’s focus on why the actors are there … you know … that film they starred in and are nominated for that costs a hell of a lot money to make?

And if no one has the balls to take a hammer said mani cam, I will be more than obliged to fly to L.A. and do it myself. Just call a sister up.


The Red Carpet’s In Need Of A Makeover

CaptureOkay, so if you followed me on Twitter last night, you know that nothing gives me more joy than a good ol’ red carpet. I park it on my couch all comfy and such, get my Golden Globes snacks in order (and by snacks I mean wine), and tweet away all the good, the bad, and the ugly.

But there is one thing that made me want to shut it down early. Like really really early because I found myself tweeting so much negativity out into the world, it was even beginning to bother me. Can you imagine? That “thing” that disrupted one of my favorite evenings of the year I would define as Giuliana Rancic, Ryan Seacrest, Ross Matthews, and Kelly Osbourne. Yep. The whole gang over at E! News. I mean …

I left Brad Goreski out because, quite frankly, he saved the damn thing. He’s a newbie to E! News and Fashion Police, but can I say a breath of fresh air? He knows his shit, not just because he’s a stylist to the stars, but because he’s an actual expert on couture and has insider info. Not just sputtering off random fashion buzzwords like Giuliana does. “TULLE!” “STRUCTURED!” “BLACK AND WHITE IS A TREND!” “OMG GIRL, YOU LOOK AMAZZZZZZZZZZZZE!” Vom.

But back to the real issue at hand over the 98.1% of the E! News gang ruining my red carpet experience.

1. Ryan Seacrest was wearing himself, and openly admitted to it and was all about pushing his own stupid brand as much as possible. Should have stuck to Burberry, kid.

2. Giuliana Rancic’s obsessive crush with George Clooney as her “thing” is annoying and overdone. And watching her take a shot of his tequila by herself as George and Amal stood there looking violently uncomfortable was like watching a really bad train wreck you couldn’t take your eyes off of.

3. They couldn’t POSSIBLY think everyone looks that fantastic and mind blowing, right? The whole time I was wondering what Giuliana was REALLY thinking as she showered celebs with compliments. “OMG I love your bedazzled butterfly clutch, Keira Knightly!” Said no one ever in their right mind. I say we need a bunch of real talking queens on that red carpet to kick it up a notch.

4. Seacrest pulling up Instagram pics of celebs was not only boring, but something I could do on my own time. “Hey, Seth Myers, check out this pic your wife posted of you sleeping. What was that all about.” Umm … he was napping, Seacrest. That’s. About. It.

5. Too many mani cams, stiletto cams, 360 cams, and my favorite and yours, a God damn selfie stick on the red carpet. I’m good with just a straight on angle of the celebs and hearing from their mouths why they picked their look and who they are wearing.

So with all of that being said, and oh man I could keep going, E! News needs to give their little red carpet show a massive makeover. It’s tired. And quite frankly I got nothing out of it. Every time they panned to a celeb on the red carpet, they immediately went to Giuliana playing some inane game, or straight to commercial break. Annoying.

I watch the red carpet for the glitz, the glam, and most importantly, the fashion. And, sure, I’m completely biased, but no one gives a damn about men and their tuxedos. Ooooh you’re wearing Armani … which looks like the exact same suit the other dude is wearing which happens to be Burberry? Riveting. The red carpet is about the ladies and the ladies only. Period. Men, you are strictly arm candy.

So give it a refresh. It’s time. I say throw in some more experts like BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAD. And hell, let’s not be afraid to get some people on the red carpet that aren’t afraid to be all, “bitch, WHAT are you wearing!?”