Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra’s Favorite Things … 2014

CaptureThis time of year warms my black heart. The lights, the shiny things, the opportunity to brighten someone’s day by buying them something their heart desires. I mean, it truly is delicious.

Except when you can’t figure out what the hell to buy. When you hit that brick wall, all of a sudden your body fills with rage, anxiety, and panic … forcing you to enter Bath & Body Works in a desperate attempt to buy whatever kinds of Cucumber Melon scented shit you can find (and nobody REALLY likes anything from Bath & Body Works, right?) I know, I know, I’m such a BBW hater, I realize this.

So if you’ve hit said brick wall, I want you to brace yourself because something magical is about to happen. Oh yeah … wait … let me get my best Oprah voice on … ahem … it’s LIFE SUCKS IN A STRAPLESS BRA’S FAVORITE THINGS … 2014 STYLEY! Ahhhhh! Ensue pandemonium.

As much as I would love to virtually shove free shit at you in an Oprah-esque fashion, leading to your heads to pop off, I unfortunately cannot. BUT … I hope the list of some of my favorite things will inspire your gift buying experience. And like I said yesterday, it is a-okay to buy yourself something shiny, too.

So let’s do this thing, shall we?

1. Benefit Erase Paste: This shit will take you from tired, hungover, puffy-eyed mess to bright and alive human being. I consider this my magical elixir of life.


2. Aritzia Parka: I don’t believe in having to sacrifice style for warmth. And that is why this parka is a dream. Fur hood, doesn’t make you look like a shapeless brick of down. And waterproof. You could totally rock this skiing or a night out with the ladies. Just don’t get drunk and forget it. This guy is kind of pricy.


3. Muffler (No, not the car part): Old world style fascinates me. The idea of getting dolled up to go to the movies and/or the mall instead of wearing sweats that have PINK tattooed across the asses of women all over the world makes me really happy. And nothing is more stylish than a muffler. Nothing. Gloves be gone, time to get down with this guy.

img40j4. Glossier: I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, Emily Weiss is my spirit animal. And her products from the packaging to the rad stickers to the amazing effects they have on your skin is genius. Pure genius. Slow clap for this bitch.

8093-08F-GLS-SRG-ALLPRODUCTBAG_R_RR5. Chicago-Style Popcorn: Umm yeah, food can be fashionable, right? Especially when you combine something as random as caramel popcorn with cheddar popcorn to create this scrumtrilescent mixture of pure mouth pleasures. Oh yeah. Mouth pleasures, popcorn-styley. It may seem gross, but the cheese and sugary mixture is kind of perfect.

52762-chicago-style-popcorn-mix-di6. Cats: Wait, what? I know, I know, I’m a crazy cat lady. Blah, blah, blah, etc. But really this is just about loving animals, specifically cats, though. There are so many that need to be adopted (no, I’m not going to get all crazy eHarmony girl and start crying on you), but for the right person, a cat can be an amazing partner in crime … and an awesome thing to Instagram. I mean, welcome to my life. I’m a huge supporter of the AWA, where I adopted my cat, Ellsworth. Check them out and do the right thing. Or at least donate money, food, your time … something. (By the way, yes that is my lovely cat … but you can’t have her)

Capture557. NARS lipstick: I know this is so clique, but if you are feeling down and put on an amazing colored lipstick, you all of a sudden get this bad ass urge to take shit down. Seriously, I’ll throw on a lip color on a Sunday while I’m doing laundry just for funsies. Shanghai Express is my jam, but it is notoriously always sold out. A sales person at Nordstrom once told me to buy in bulk, no joke.

06078450100678. H&M Jewels: I’ve become a statement necklace whore, and the most compliments I receive are from my statement necklaces from H&M. And it shocks people when I tell them they are from H&M. Gotta say their jewelry game is on point this season, and price points aren’t ridiculous. You just gotta care for them. They are delicate little guys. Unfortunately their e-commerce store doesn’t have the same caliber of jewels as in-store, so bring it on down to your local H&M.

Capture99. The Perfect Blanket: Screw babies, every adult needs a blanket. There is nothing better in life than coming home after a day of life bitch slapping you and hiding underneath the comfort of your favorite blanket as you binge watch Netflix and chug wine.

img4c10. Blanket Scarves: And when it isn’t socially acceptable to walk around all day with your blanket on, enter blanket scarves stage right. I first knew I was obsessed with them when I saw a friend of mine wearing one and wanted to rip the thing off of her and run away. I love a scarf with options, you know? Blanket, scarf, invisibility cloak. You name it.



My Admiration For Emily Weiss

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I was a huge fan of the Hills as I had an editorial internship at a fashion mag the same time LC and Whitney were at Teen Vogue, and me and my co-intern, Kelly, were convinced we were them as we sat in our intern room proudly working our asses off and making a truce that if we got the opportunity to go to Paris, we would GO. TO. PARIS.

Lauren Conrad was my spirit animal from 2007-2009. If I could have skinned her and worn her, I would have. So you could imagine my disgust for Emily Weiss, also known as “Vogue super-intern,” who would fly in and make her and Whitney look like complete assholes (or at least that is how MTV portrayed it). Girls like her that are so perfectly flawless and make jobs look so effortless make me want to punt things.

Flash forward to today, some :::mumbles::: years after my Hills obsession, and Emily Weiss is what I’m ALL about. I started slowly becoming immersed in Into The Gloss, a blog I bowed down to without realizing it was “her.” But even after finding out “super intern” was behind the blog I was gushing over, it didn’t matter.

Most recently my borderline stalker obsession falls with her new cosmetics line, Glossier. Whilst getting my hair did this weekend, I read an interview with her in an old Elle Magazine, and immediately fell in love. She no longer was that perfect specimen of an intern that shows up everyone and everything, in fact I don’t think she was EVER that girl. She was too busy making a name for herself, and not only doing a job, but doing it so fucking well it left a mark instead of crying over dirt bags like Jason whatever-the-hell-his-name-was.

Right now in my life, I crave to ingest as much as I can about powerful women to not only inspire me, but to help me keep on keepin’ on. Lauren Conrad, yes, a totally success, but to me she is the fashion industry’s Martha Stewart. Cool, you cut your hair … again! Cool, you had the most Pinterest-worthy wedding of all time (yawn). Shit, the day that chick gets pregnant I may give up on the Interwebs all together.

Listen, if you aren’t familiar with Into The Gloss (first of all, what the hell is wrong with you), or Glossier (again, why), get educated. For the girl who gets overwhelmed at the sight of a Sephora, Glossier products seems like they will be your best friend, as they keep it real. True, I have not tried these products, but literally find myself foaming at the mouth awkwardly awaiting for my golden opportunity to do so. And also, a Glossier sticker is considered Instagram GOLD right now, how rad is that?

It’s funny how we change over the years, as I never thought at 27 I would want to punt Lauren Conrad in the face every time I saw an article about her perfect life. But Emily Weiss is absolutely a breath of fresh REAL air that is so intriguing to me right now. She makes me want to get off my couch, remove my granny-like blanket from my shoulders along with my Eeyore attitude and like head butt a CEO in the face until she backs my brand. She keeps it raw and is making such a bold mark on the fashion industry. Hey, gotta respect that, because that just ain’t an easy thing to do, kids.

#GirlBoss? No, too trendy. I take it back.

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