Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra’s School Of Manners

5e10435925a18dcbe3b0c64eba8392b7Recently a co-worker of mine said people in her life have noticed her saying “balls” way more often then she should be. And then went on to blame me for this. Before I could even defend myself, a montage of me saying “balls” was playing in my head. Dropped my pen: “Balls.” Missed a deadline: “Balls.” Just plain old tired: “Balls.” Not knowing what I want for lunch: “Balls.” I mean …

And that got me thinking about what “being a lady” has turned into. I’ve always been fascinated with the past when women dressed to the nines to go to the mall or even on an airplane. When “stretchies” weren’t even a word. And now look at us. People wear sweats out to really nice restaurants. Why?!

When I do an audit of my manners, I can’t help but shake my head, just a little. And I’m sure my grandmothers are up in heaven sipping their martinis shaking their heads, too. Sure, I say my “pleases” and “thank yous” and hold doors open for people. But in the same breath I have a mouth like a sailor (sorry family, you know it’s true), I slouch, and sometimes, here and there, have been known to let out a burp or two (I mean, I’m human).

While even the thought of going back to the days of wearing a hat and gloves and brooches and the big, beautiful dresses actually exhausts me and I really like the fact that I can wear whatever I please, and say whatever the fuck is on my mind (see what I did there), I do think we can adjust some things in our lives that MAY seem like common sense in order to make us more manners savvy.

I know, I know, who am I to be shelling out advice on manners, right? Well … I like to think I am pretty polite (thanks mom), minus the whole cursing like a sailor thing. And not only will these slight tweaks make us more shiny and brilliant to people of the opposite sex, new friends, AND new employers, it will also make us way more classy.

So behold … your first lesson on manners by Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra:

1. Limit The Eff Bombs: This will be tricky even for me. But Jesus, know your audience. If you’re walking down the street, telling a heated story, maybe don’t say, “fuck this” and “fuck that.” If you’re at a restaurant … absolutely no cursing. If you’re at work and drop something and want to say, oh I don’t know, “balls,” think about the people around you. And when you’re in the comfort of your own home, let it rip. But take down your cursing by 25% overall … at least. Apparently it isn’t “lady like” to speak like a truck driver (which, Ps. I think truck drivers get a bad rap).

2. Buy Yourself a Proper Tea Cup: Every lady should own a tea cup, as I write this drinking tea out of a paper cup. Literally. A paper cup. This past weekend dealing with laryngitis, I brewed myself some black tea, added some whiskey (strictly doctors orders, kind of, not really), and drank it out of a lovely floral tea cup. It made me feel dignified. Throw away that college mug, go to Home Goods, and indulge in some proper tea cups … saucer and all. It will make feel amazing. Stop asking questions and just do it.

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3. Say No To Sweats: I actually saw a woman walking into the Capitol Grille once wearing sweats. SWEATS. To the Capitol Grille! If I’m paying over $20 for a meal, my ass will be in a dress, a-thank you very much. But it shouldn’t just be the rule for fancy shmancy restaurants. If you’re going out to dinner, or even out for drinks, no matter where you are going … make an effort. Your sweats will be there when you come home in a food coma, I promise.

4. Write Letters: I know, stamps are so annoying. They are never there when you need them to be and the idea of going to the Post Office is maddening. But you don’t just need to be getting married or having a baby to write a proper thank you note. Send one to the owner of a boutique you had a great experience in, send one to a friend just for the hell of it (they will think it’s creepy at first, but then will be all about it). Trust me, I do a happy dance whenever I get anything in the mail that isn’t a bill. So go buy yourself some rad stationery and a good pen (I’m a HUGE pen snob) and make it happen.

5. Cellphones Away For A Better Day: Once upon a time, checking your phone constantly whilst at lunch meant you were an incredibly busy and important woman. Now, thanks to reality shows like The Hills, and Vanderpump something or other, every clown does it. And it’s rude. And might I add weird. Have you ever looked at a group of women eating lunch together and ALL of them were on their cellphones? Hell I’ve been apart of that group of women. When food or drinks are present, keep your phone in your purse and try not to reference anything having to do with social media that will make you want to pull your phone out. I know, I know it will be hard not to Instagram your lunch, but make a rule that it is 1985. Live in the real world, kids, live in the real world.

Dear Holiday Shoppers,

UnknownPreface: This is a public service announcement, sponsored by your friends at Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra. 

Please stop:

Being assholes, in general

Cursing each other out

Stealing one another’s parking spots

Cursing each other out for stealing one another’s parking spots

Taking your dogs out in public (Seriously, I think your Yorkie Doodle can chill at home while you hit up TJ Maxx)

Driving like maniacs, causing silly fender benders, and then holding everyone else up

Yelling at your children in the middle of the store (You know … because EVERY child just LOVES shopping for nonsense they don’t care about … so yes, DEFINITELY yell at them … fools)

Yelling at sales associates in stores (They. Have. No. Control. Over. Your. Problems. You yelling at them equals you ruining their day. How would you like someone to come to your office and curse you out for no reason. Put yourselves in their shoes before you start telling them off that they don’t have your Juicy velour sweats in hot pink size XXL)

Having no parking lot etiquette (Santa is not down with you running people over for the sake of hitting up amazing sales #naughtyliststatus)

Not moving out-of-the-way for people. And not saying, “excuse me,” when you are trying to get through a crowd of people. (Manners matter)

Talking on your cell phone at an octave only dogs can hear (Nobody needs slash wants to hear about what Judy’s sister’s dog walker Betty’s husband Bobby didn’t get her for Christmas last year)

My apologies for the rant, but my God. Here I am, trying to enjoy the holidays … and I literally couldn’t get out of the store I was in, back in my car, and back in the safety of my own home fast enough.

The holidays are supposed to be a beautiful time of the year. Not the time of year when you need to put your Kevlar on, battle face mask (is that a real thing?) on, and head out into the wild known as your local mall. Seriously, ladies and gents. My GAWD.

It wouldn’t kill everyone to pay it forward a little bit more besides throwing ‘bows at Walmart, I mean for the love of God. Buy the guy or gal behind you a coffee while you are getting your caffeine on before the shopping rush. Hold the door open, no matter who or what is standing behind you … and SMILE. In fact, smile at your fellow man or woman as much as possible. Use your manners. Do a good deed. Do a selfless deed. Help someone in need, no matter if it is just offering them pleasant conversation or helping them solve a problem.

As much as we all enjoy thinking about and catering to numero uno … we gotta stop acting like assholes during the holidays … because gifts are a luxury … not a necessity. And the naughty list should really exist, because I would recommend several human beings get put on it and banished from malls and stores, immediately.

Ps. Malls/boutiques/stores in general … turn your damn heat down.

Kay thanks … byeeeeeeee.

And scene.