You Know What Keeps Me Cool? Shoes.

Screen Shot 2015-09-09 at 3.31.07 PMTo all of you lovely people posting nostalgic pictures of summertime and weeping that it is over, I kind of want to smack you. Hard. Because according to my sweat-soaked bra (how about that visual) and makeup melting off of my face, it’s still breathing its heavy, humid breath all over us.

And you know what? I’ve had enough. I’m at my breaking point. In fact, as I was walking home from the train, I just wanted to throw in the towel, fall into a heap of sweat on the street corner and wale, “WHEN WILL IT END … DEAR GOD WHEN WILL IT END … AND WILL SOMEONE CALL ME AN UBER, FOR THE LOVE!” 

So to be less overdramatic, I’ve been thinking about what could immediately solve this problem. Creating an air conditioned ball I could roll to and fro in, perhaps? Never leaving my air conditioned home? And then it came to me. Fall shoes. Fall shoes cure EVERYTHING :::jumps in mid-air with excitement:::

While I know fall shoes can’t help me from sweating through my bra and getting in fits of rage as I suffer through the heatwaves and humidity, they can reassure me there is a light at the end of this stifling tunnel. 

I’m not going to lie to any of you, the fall shoe game this season is swoon-worthy, and I may or may not have been caught drooling over them at my computer, but that is neither here nor there. 

So while I try to control throwing shit at my television when the weather person says the words “heatwave” and “lasting several days” … I’m going to dazzle you with some of my favorite fall shoes that are not only heavenly … but affordable (sort of, kind of). How ’bout that?!

*Click on images to make your shoe dreams come true.

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Do Fall … And Do It Well … Dammit

I do a lot of things well … or so I like to think. So what I’m about to say may shock and appall you … and for that I’m sorry. But establishing a fall wardrobe is something I, indeed, do NOT do well.

I decided in August that I was going to get to the bottom of my issue. Why is it when it came to the season of fluctuating temps and falling leaves did I become green with envy over women dressed to the nines in bad ass outfits instead of going out and finding some of my own?

I would stumble through stores, leave empty-handed, drive home, run to my bedroom and cry myself to sleep on my pillow … tears streaming down my face wondering why oh why I couldn’t find anything :::cue violins:::. But with a little soul-searching :::pan to me staring outside my window, snuggled up, pondering life over a cup of tea::: I was able to figure out said issue. I had what they call Fall Wardrobe Overload … also known as “FWO.”

What are the symptoms of FWO, you ask? 

-Not being able to focus

-Trend anxiety

-Bleeding from the eyelids

-Not starting with the basics

-Nausea

-Excessive drinking

-Lacking in the wardrobe department*

*If you lack in the wardrobe department for more than three fall seasons, see your local stylist immediately.

My issue was that I had my sights set on things that were too trendy. I wanted sequins, and loud shoes, and fur collared everything, and accent pieces. Wrong … wrong … and wrong. Expectations get set too high when you go too loud too soon and you set yourself up for fall failure. It has taken me years along with blood, sweat and tears to perfect obtaining a great fall wardrobe with pieces I can style in numerous ways, and listen, if I can figure this shit out … ANYONE can.

So behold, my secret to the perfect fall wardrobe. Are you ready for this? Come closer, because I will only say it once: Start. With. The. Basics. Then work from there.

BOOM. My work here is done :::drops mic:::

It may sound boring, but if you find yourself banging your head against the wall because you can’t get your fall style act together … let me help a sister (or brother) out, shall I? Here is a breakdown of your basic fall pieces that every person needs.

Screen shot 2013-11-02 at 1.43.27 PM1. Start with Skinnies: Start with a gray pair and a black pair. I personally die for the ones at Old Navy. The price is right and I can kick, stretch and kick some more in them. And since I’m cheap (at least I admit it, right?) I try not to throw them in the dryer for fear of shrinkage. Girls gotta save for her dreams, am I right? And outside of Old Navy, I’ve been hoarding my favorite black denim from H&M for years. They are tight as shit, and you will have to dance and high kick a little to get them to move, but oh so worth it.

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2. Sigh … basic flats. I know, I know … but hear me out. It isn’t fun when you are running 20 minutes late and just need a God damn simple pair of black flats and all you can find are studded booties and rhinestone encrusted open toed sling backs. Make the investment in a good pair of black, nude and leopard print (yes, leopard print, to me, is a neutral …get over it), flats. So when you ARE running late, you can just throw on any of these go-tos, which will pretty much go with everything and anything, and be done with it so you can haul ass to Point B.

Screen shot 2013-11-02 at 1.47.08 PM3. Shield Your Eyes From Saucy Boots: Over-the-knee hooker boots are my fav. If I could have closets and closets filled with them, I would. BUT … every lady needs a good pair of flat black boots and a good pair of flat brown boots. “Riding boots” … if you will. I was never a fan of brown boots, until I realized it gives a look, especially a fall one, a softer feel, where as black boots tend to give off a “dominatrix-ey” vibe. The OTK boots might be tempting you, luring you with their seductress ways … but remember, we are starting basic, here. BA-SIC. Take a cold shower and buy the basic boots … for the love of God.

Screen shot 2013-11-02 at 1.49.08 PM3. Get Down with the While Button Down: Okay, white button downs don’t just mean khakis from the Gap, tucked in with loafers. Woof. They make them a bit more … how you say … “jazzed up” now. Look outside of the Gap box and try stores like Nordstrom for edgier versions of the once boring button down.

Screen shot 2013-11-02 at 2.04.21 PM4. The Tits of T-Shirts: Call me crazy, but it is really hard to find the perfect fitting t-shirts. But when you find “the one,” it will fit perfectly. Its sleeves will be the right length. And you will throw you inhibitions to the wind and buy it in every color … and some you will buy two. Because they are a rare commodity. And know, you will wear them with everything. Don’t lie to yourself. You will. I’m already kicking myself for not investing in more of my favorite Abound t-shirts from Nordstrom Rack shown to the left.

Screen shot 2013-11-02 at 1.53.59 PM5. Rock the Trench: Yes, they are trendy right now … but they are forever. This is a forever piece. This is when you say, hey I want to invest in a designer piece, but I don’t know what to buy. You say: Burberry trench. Because you will literally have it until you are wrinkled up, old and gray.

Once the basics are obtained and you are cured of FWO … then go buy as much insane sparkle, spikes and studs as you want :::jumps up in mid-air:::

Do Fall … And Do It Well

I do a lot of things well … or so I like to think. So what I’m about to say may shock and appall you … and for that I’m sorry. But establishing a fall wardrobe is something I, indeed, do NOT do well.

I decided in August that I was going to get to the bottom of my issue. Why is it when it came to the season of fluctuating temps and falling leaves did I become green with envy over women dressed to the nines in bad ass outfits instead of going out and finding some of my own?

I would stumble through stores, leave empty-handed, drive home, run to my bedroom and cry myself to sleep on my pillow … tears streaming down my face wondering why oh why I couldn’t find anything :::cue violins:::. But with a little soul-searching :::pan to me staring outside my window, snuggled up, pondering life with a cup of tea::: I was able to figure out said issue. I had Fall Wardrobe Overload … or FWO.

What are the symptoms of FWO, you ask*? 

-Not being able to focus

-Trying to obtain too many items at once

-Bleeding from the eyelids

-Not starting with the basics

-Nausea

-Excessive drinking

-Lacking in the wardrobe department
*If you lack in the wardrobe department for more than three fall seasons, see your local stylist immediately. 

My issue was that I had my sights set on things that were too trendy. I wanted sequins, and loud shoes, and fur collared everything, and accent pieces. Wrong … wrong … and wrong. Expectations get set too high when you go too loud too soon and you set yourself up for fall failure. It has taken me years along with blood, sweat and tears to perfect obtaining a great fall wardrobe with pieces I can style in numerous ways, and listen, if I can figure this shit out … ANYONE can.

So behold, my secret to the perfect fall wardrobe. Are you ready for this? Come closer, because I will only say it once: Start. With. The. Basics. Then work from there.

BOOM. My work here is done :::drops mic:::

It may sound boring, but if you find yourself banging your head against the wall because you can’t get your fall style act together … let me help a sister (or brother) out, shall I? Here is a breakdown of your basic fall pieces that every person needs.

Screen shot 2013-11-02 at 1.43.27 PM1. Start with Skinnies: Start with a black pair and a gray pair. I personally die for the ones at Old Navy. The price is oh so right, and I can kick, stretch and kick some more in them. And since I’m cheap, I try not to throw them in the dryer for fear of shrinkage. Girls gotta save for her dreams, am I right? And outside of Old Navy, I’ve been investing in my favorite black denim from H&M for years. They are tight as shit, and you will have to dance and high kick a little to get them to move, but oh so worth it. Hell, I may start hoarding them one day.
2. Sigh … Basic Flats: I know, I know … but hear me out. It isn’t fun when you are running 20 minutes late and just need a God damn simple pair of black flats and all you can find are studded booties and rhinestone encrusted open toed sling backs. Make the investment in a good pair of black, nude and leopard print (yes, leopard print, to me, is a neutral …get over it), flats. So when you ARE running late, you can just throw on any of these go-tos, which will pretty much go with everything and anything, and be done with it so you can haul ass to Point B.
Screen shot 2013-11-02 at 1.47.08 PM3. Shield Your Eyes to Saucy Boots: Over-the-knee hooker boots are my fav. If I could have closets and closets filled with them, I would. BUT … every lady needs a good pair of flat black boots and a good pair of flat brown boots. “Riding boots” … if you will. I was never a fan of brown boots, until I realized it gives a look, especially a fall one, a softer feel, where as black boots always give me a dominatrix vibe. The OTK boots might be tempting you, luring you with their seductress ways … but remember, we are starting basic, here. Take a cold shower, and buy the basic boots, for the love of God.
Screen shot 2013-11-02 at 1.49.08 PM3. Get Down With The White Button Downs: Button downs don’t just mean khakis from the Gap, tucked in with loafers. Woof. They make them a bit more jazzier now. Look outside of the Gap box and try stores like Nordstrom and Loehmann’s … those stores are where you will find makers of the classic white button down who thought outside of the boring box.
Screen shot 2013-11-02 at 2.04.21 PM4. The Tits of T-Shirts: Call me crazy, but it is really hard to find the perfect fitting t-shirts. But when you find it, the one that fits perfectly, long enough with the right sleeve length, you buy it in every color … and some you buy two of. Because they are a rare commodity. And know, you will wear them with everything. Don’t lie to yourself. You will. I’m already kicking myself for not investing in more of my favorite Abound t-shirts from Nordstrom Rack, shown to the left.
Screen shot 2013-11-02 at 1.53.59 PM5. Rock A Trench: Yes, they are trendy right now … but they are forever. This is a forever piece. This is when you say, hey I want to invest in a designer piece, but I don’t know what to buy. You say: Burberry trench. Because you will literally have it until you are wrinkled up, old and gray.


Mmmm Fall …

We are in the fiery pits of summer hell right now people. I mean yay, summer, carefree, vacations … woo … but for real, having to function in over 90 degree heat everyday while trying to maintain a professional and chic look for work … I’m just over it. And as I got out of my car late the other night, I noticed a familiar breeze in the air with a twinge of a chill. Heaven can you hear me?

And with fall comes so many fabulous things to look forward to! Leaves changing, new fall wardrobes, the September issue of Vogue … NEW YORK CITY FASHION WEEK! And literally I am one of those freaks that considers the September issue of most magazines, W, Bazaar and Vogue mostly, as bibles. So when NYMag.com was awesome enough to give us a little sneak preview of the fabulous fall fashion ads from all the greatest designers, and after I stopped drooling all over my Macbook, I had to share with you the things that are making me survive these too hot to function summer days.

So behold the ads so far that I fancy the most and find fabulously bazaar featuring some of my most favorite designers and all the clothing I can’t really even afford to look at.

First of all it is Marc Jacobs. Second of all he is FINALLY making polka dots happen in such a major way. Who cares if a cracked out Helena Bonham Carter is his muse? Give me those gloves and that hat IMMEDIATELY.

Lagerfeld, Lagerfeld, Lagerfeld. This ad says nothing about the clothing, nothing about Chanel … in fact it kind of makes you want to go “what the eff,” but it is art and you have to bow down to it. Yes Lagerfeld, whatever you say master, I will dress like a mouse and hang outside of a photo booth as long as it is made by Chanel. What? You want to draw nonsensical words all over my face? Yes, master.

Alexander McQueen, God rest his soul and God bless Sarah Burton for kicking ass and taking names. These ads are so beyond powerful and disturbing. Due to the extreme success of the MoMA exhibit, I think we have to view the McQueen brand as art in fashion form. I could literally stare at these ads for days.

Tom Ford, this make up is tranny fierce, and I’m not even going to apologize for it. I was just thinking today about how I desperately need a striking, fire engine, come to bed red lip stick in my life. I’m also quite excited for all of these solid popping colors for the fall. Perhaps this is the fall where I don’t just wear minimalistic colors? I mean seriously, nothing is worse than people thinking they need to match the foliage outside … ick. Nope, just kidding, fall themed sweaters and turtlenecks … THAT would be the worst thing one could think of.

Holy lord, sign me up immediately for wearing proper hats in the fall. The idea makes my toes tingle, seriously. So Sportmax, I will literally take a piece of everything in this ad. But ladies, honestly, let’s make this hat trend happen. Come on, we made graphic tees, skinny jeans, neon sunglasses happen … we absolutely have the power to take it back to the 1920’s when women wore gloves, dresses, hats, and pants were a thing of shame. Men swooned and we looked damn hot. Ahh, the good ol’ days. Damn you Millennium.