Flip Flops … Yawn.

flip-flop-for-the-fischers-001I don’t think I’ve invested in a pair of flip flops since I was in college, and they were used strictly for shower shoes. Now I know, people will contest that a pair of flip flops defines summer and is a staple that every woman should have. To comment back on that statement, all I have for you is a big ol’ drawn out yawn. I know. I’m a freak.

There’s a reason why I haven’t purchased flip flops in :::mumbles::: years. They straight up bore me to death. And the sound they make when you walk is ridiculously annoying. Nothing makes me want to take a nap more than standing at the “wall of flip flops” at Old Navy as women excitedly snatch up every color of the rainbow. How do you choose a color?! Seriously. All you have to work with is a color, since, really, there is nothing much more to them, and quite frankly I don’t want to stand there having an anxiety attack over what color blue to buy. And then I realize I loathe color and call the whole thing off.

Unfortunately I find myself in a predicament where I need to invest in a pair of flops :::sigh::: In 2 weeks I will be going off the grid in an attempt to relax on vacation. So I’m trying to make that week as stress-free as possible. If I’m running to the beach, need to take the dog out, want to go drunkenly dance somewhere other than my rental house, a pair of flops sounds like a good idea instead of spending time putting my gladiators on (although I covet them). But can I tell you, my search for a cool pair of flops has been nothing but an annoyance.

All of them are so basic, or have some weird ugly design or have a 3 inch platform, or say some awful shit like “Hottie!”, or are waaaaaaaay over priced, again, for a thing of rubber on my feet I’m using to walk on (Havaianas, I’m looking at you). If I’m going to spend $45, I’m going to buy a pair of gladiators, not some yawn-worthy pair of flops I will probably end up burning by the end of summer. I’ve literally scoured all of ShopStyle.com and every other “trendy” site for an outlandishly cool pair of flops for a decent price, and they cannot be found. Like can a sister get a pair of flops with studs or skulls on them, or something?!

True, my search wasn’t a total bust. ModCloth is on their game with cool flops, but alas, my size was out of stock in all of the flops I desired. Besides that, the only other ones I fell head over heels for, of course, were the Valentino rockstud PVC thong sandal. Literally drool-worthy. But if I won’t spend $45 on a pair of flops, I sure as balls won’t be spending $295. Seriously, like I know you’re Valentino and all, but come now. They are damn flop flops.

I’m torn on what to do and running out of time to make a decision. Do I cave and just buy the most basic flop I can find, and deal with the yawning and bordem, or do I stick to my guns and just continue to rock gladiators to the beach … which, I imagine, will be uber annoying. Or who knows, maybe I’ll become one with nature and not wear any shoes. OR, become a total princess and wear heels to the beach. What do you think?

Listen, if you know of a place were I can find a sweet pair of flops that won’t drain my bank account, send that info my way as soon as humanly possibly. Until then, my search continues.

Yawn.

Style Stud: Old Navy Flip Flop Vending Machines

Emma Roberts Checks out the Old Navy Flip Flop Vending Machine in LAThere’s absolutely nothing worse than wearing a fantastic pair of heels throughout the city, but your feet hurting so badly you just want to chop them off. Or even worse, your feet hurting so badly you wouldn’t mind strutting through the city streets barefoot! Trust me, the idea of getting hepatitis rather than having to deal with wearing 5 in torture devices seemed pleasant to me definitely more than once.

But could you imagine, suffering and walking like an idiot through the city to avoid sharp pains of death, when … wait? Could it be? A FLIP FLOP VENDING MACHINE?!?! WAAAAAAAAAAAA!?!

Thanks to Old Navy, a flip flop vending machine isn’t just a mirage women see when they are in shoe pain anymore. It’s the real deal to honor their $1 flip flop sale. Listen, I haven’t worn a pair of Old Navy flip flops since I was in college, mostly as shower shoes, but if I was in need, I would literally kiss the machine and give it my money … happily,Β instead of carrying around a pair of flats with me and taking up precious purse space. It is genius.

I have nothing against Old Navy flip flops … they are a great go-to when you need to run a quick errand, walk your dog, go outside and get the paper … and especially, when you want to set fire to a pair of uncomfortable heels. Old Navy … I applaud you.

My only bone I have to pick with Old Navy is this: Why don’t you have any flip flop vending machines in Philly? Huh? We have lots of stylish women who love their high heels but hate the pain. We have lovely parks and lovely streets for you to put said vending machines on … so why are you depriving us of this golden and comfortable opportunity. Philly needs some comfort and some flop love, too, Old Navy … Just sayin’.

Did You Just Tell Me To “Smile”?

Photo Credit: ThisOldHouse.com
Photo Credit: ThisOldHouse.com

Let me tell you a little story called “me walking down the street alone.” I usually have sunglasses on, or if it is raining I’ll have my umbrella up, strategically covering my face, and yes I always have my ear buds in. Why? Because I don’t want to talk to you. No offense, freaks on the street, or person who needs directions. I just don’t want to be bothered. It’s not bitchy … it’s honest … and I have an awful sense of direction, so at the end of the day, I’m doing you a favor.

But yesterday, as I was dragging my ass home across what felt like the surface of the sun, I unfortunately caught the eye of a man who looked at me and said, “it’s okay to smile.” Umm, excuse me? Really? Listen, not a lot of things get under my skin. Not a lot of things make me want to “prostitution whore-style flip a table,” but if a stranger, or someone I don’t quite fancy tells me to “smile” … I will cut them. I bet you are wondering what I did to this innocent man who at the end of the day was probably just hitting on me :::flips hair:::, since I doubt he gave a shit about my emotional well being, right? I politely said nothing, and decided to murdered him with my eyes.

Here’s the thing, people, when I’m walking down the street, I’m in my own world. I’m all up in my head, thinking about my day, life, loved ones, things that give me anxiety, then switching gears and pondering how many glasses of wine I should indulge in that evening. And other times I just have lot of white noise up in there … or perhaps a donkey sleeping under a tree with flies swirling over his head. Sometimes I’m just brain dead. And none of those things … make me want to shine on a smile. It’s not because I’m miserable or hate life, I could be completely content as a matter of fact … a smile is just not necessary at that given moment.

Which brings me to this phenomenon sweeping the country known as “bitchy resting face.” Hell yes I’m self diagnosed with this. I look like I want to murder someone when my face is resting or if I’m walking down the street. The funny thing is, if you interrupted the nonsense going on in my head while I was walking down the street to tell me something important … or basically tell me anything but “smile,” I would be happy as a clam. I would be totally normal and friendly … unless you are a freak of nature, then I’ll probably run away. Because in reality, here is what is going on: I’m listening to Lady Gaga or like the Nelly Pandora station like an idiot, giggling in my head about how ridiculous the lyrics are or something and trying really hard not to trip on my flip flops. Yes, I’m more likely to trip in flip flops than heels.

So what I’m saying is, do not be intimidated by people who suffer from Bitchy Resting Face. We can’t help it. And quite frankly, don’t you just want to kind of punch someone when you see them walking down the street smiling from ear-to-ear … just a little? In my eyes, only for monumental events like walking away from a great interview or date, getting super exciting news, or someone gifting you a unicorn that cries diamonds is it socially acceptable to smile like an idiot whilst walking down the street.

At the end of the day, we are all very skeptical of one another, which we should be, to an extent. We don’t live in Pleasantville and the girl walking down the street skipping and smiling and singing could be an ax murderer … who the hell knows. But what I’m saying is, let’s go easy on the people with Bitchy Resting Face. It doesn’t mean anything at the end of the day … unless you indeed really ARE a bitch, then rock on.

Also, for the like 1.5 male readers I have, telling girls to “smile” doesn’t make us swoon or giggle or shine on a big ol’ smile just for you, okay (unless Justin Timberlake told me to smile … or if he told me to do anything as a matter of fact. Oh you want me to eat this piece of trash on the street, OKAY!)? It makes us infuriated and want to hurt you.