Die, Humidity, Die.

photo-11Maybe it is because I’m living a life sans air conditioning for the first time since college, or maybe it’s because I thoroughly enjoy snuggling under blankets when it is a little chilly … and because I’m afraid monsters might attack me in the middle of the night (issues), but this humidity nonsense is starting to get to me.

I have this theory that it is 100% impossible to look your best when you are surrounded by layers of thick heat. To those of you who live in a glorious climate where such nonsense doesn’t exist, let me give you a slow clap right now followed by an epic eye roll. But for folks like me living near or in a city whose middle name is “smog” and or “humidity” well … yeah … meet us.

Here’s what’s up, though. I wake up in the morning, take a shower, cool off enough to even think about taking a blow dryer or flat-iron to my head. And in between said drying and straightening I have to take t-outs to stick my head in front of a fan for sheer relief every 10 minutes or so. Once my hair is did I then shellacked it down with some sort of anti-frizz bullshit that some teenager at the beauty store talked me in to buying because, “like everyone here is obsessed with it.” Listen … I was desperate for a new product, but like how do you choose? Seriously. Everyone and their mom makes a damn thermal protector, shine enhancer, super straight serum shit, etc. … to the point where I got so overwhelmed that yes … I believed anything that the teenager sales associate with bad hair had to say. Now I’m left with a product called legit “It’s A 10.” Because with a name like that is HAS to be a winner …

So then once I’ve “tame the beast” … it is time to move on to makeup application. And all I can think to myself is, “how can I make this :::circle motion in front of my face::: not so shiny and sweaty looking. So I apply my moisturizer, my foundation, powder to take some of the shine away, bronzer … you get the point … and just when I think I have solved my issue and look somewhat decent … the humidity wipes away my work of art turning me back to a shiny hot mess. Seriously … to the women who can pull of the “dewy” (p.s. I LOATHE that word, but I have no other way to say it) glow … I effing hate you. Why is it that when I get attacked by high temperatures I look like an overweight dude who just ran five miles in a velour sweat suit? Like seriously I just don’t get it.

Fast forward to the end of the day and … my gawd. Exhaustion takes over from trying to exist like a normal human being in ridiculously hot conditions, I’m sweating and there is probably a good chance that I could smell, any sort of makeup has melted away, and my hair is a wild, frizzy disaster area. Cool. Welp … what do I do? I OWN IT. Yeah I said … suck on that, humidity.

Today I was playing with my hair, trying to pull it to one side, taming it down violently so I didn’t resemble a wild rabid beast … but I finally just said fuck it. Carrie Bradshaw, as clich√© as this may sound … bear with me … didn’t give a shit. She had wildly insane HUGE curly hair and she owned it. So instead of trying to fix an unfixable problem since they don’t make hair straighteners that you can plug into your car (and if they do … please point me in their direction), I flipped my hair upside down, ran my fingers through it and tried to embody the confidence of Carrie Bradshaw … minus all the puns and “I couldn’t help but wonders.”

True … I still have yet to solve the, “I look like sweaty death,” problem … but I just invested in another spray tan because life is just slightly better when you’re sun kissed, so I’m hoping this will help. Listen we can’t look like golden Gods every day of the week … no matter how hard we try. So when the humidity gets you down … you just gotta flip that frizzy nightmare of yours around and walk with a stride of pride. This is what’s up: I’m hot, exhausted, probably jonsin’ for a frothy cocktail, and I look like frizzy hell … what up, world?

Confession: My Straight Hair Isn’t Real

Yep. It is true ladies and gents. I realize most of you personally do not know me, so this may not be earth shattering news and you might be thinking to yourselves right now, ” … and crazy lady?” Well, I’m going to say 99.9 percent of the time my hair is poker straight … all the time. That .1 percent is for the half hour I spend letting it air dry when I get out of the shower.

I’m going to blame it on puberty and hormones but from the moment I turned 13 my hair became this thick, kinky, tight curly conundrum to deal with. I’m also going to blame it on Jennifer Aniston and her stupid perfect hair in the early 2000’s, because I insisted upon rocking her short, layered hair style, which then lead me to have this “side-show Bob” look.¬†And then I would have these random people telling me how lucky I was for my “beautiful curls,” and how they would give anything for a little “wave” in their hair. Well folks … I had more than a little wave, I had a god damn tsunami effect going on.

All it took was meeting the right hair dresser who changed my life when I was 13. I remember him cutting my hair and then asking me if I wanted it “asian straight.” Without even knowing what that was I said yes because I was so over those hack hair dressers I’ve had in the past who would try to blow my hair out, get lazy and tired and leave me with this out of control, still wet puffy afro that random items could get lost in, like pens.

“Asian straight” involved two hairdressers that were extremely trendy men dressed in all black both violently blowing my hair out for two hours. And if I didn’t think my hair was already super straight, I then was introduced to a piece of machinery that I would later name “Jesus.” The FHI Stik, a flat-iron that got up to 450 degrees that turned me into a whole new person. It was pure magic. I couldn’t stop touching it, flipping it around, I felt like God damn Britney Spears. Glor-I-ous.

So from that day on, I practiced blowing my own hair out like the trendy frizz fighters did, which took me nearly two hours. They would give me pointers and I would experiment with different flat irons throughout the years. Con Air (fail), Hot Tools (one of my favorite past times) … until I finally got my hands on a “Jesus” of my own … for $120.

11 years later and here I am. My curly hair never sees the light of day. Why? Because I get rage blackouts when it’s curly for some reason. I never related to it, I never understood it, it was NEVER me. So I bet you are wondering why I never got it chemically straightened. Well, by the time my mom was going to allow me to do it, I already picked up the hair dying addiction, going from red to brown to black to dark brown to reddish purple, back to brown, and I didn’t feel the best thing for me was more chemical treatments on my hair.

So what used to take me two hours to straighten now takes me 1/2 hour, and I, at this point in time in my life, can absolutely call myself a hair straightening aficionado. So a couple of pointers from me to you:

1. The longer your hair the better. Especially if you have thick hair, the length of your hair will weigh it down and, believe it or not, will reduce your straightening time.

2. Condition. Condition and Condition some more. When you get your hair cut, which you SHOULD do every six months, but if not don’t sweat it, ask for a conditioning treatment. When you get out of the shower, use a conditioning straightening serum and use it every time you take a flat-iron to it. I use Paul Mitchell Skinny Serum and it is genius. My hair doesn’t even look damaged (even though it most definitely is).

3. If you have shorter hair, don’t indulge in layers. They are lovely in theory, but for us girls with thick, curly hair who want it straight … it is not conducive. Tell your hair dresser to cut it like is it straight, which will then make it easier for you to straighten. Know that the first day you straighten your hair will not be your best hair day. Give it a day or so to adjust. The second day is always the best, so keep this in mind if you have an event.

4. Invest in Jesus. Yes, it may seem like a lot of money to spend on a hair straighter, but it will last you three or four years. I’m personally not a fan of the Chi, so I recommend the FHI Stik, as it gets up to 450 degrees and gets the job done quickly.

5. If you have thick and ridiculously curly hair and are dedicated to keeping it straight, know it is okay to only wash it one or two times a week. It may seem really gross, but as long as your hair doesn’t get greasy easily, which it really only will do if it is super long, then you should be fine. Feel it out, but if you are spending over an hour straightening your hair, then you should be good for a couple of days … at least. So therefore, it is not gross, I promise. But shower everyday, that is just common sense ladies.