Do Fall … And Do It Well … Dammit

I do a lot of things well … or so I like to think. So what I’m about to say may shock and appall you … and for that I’m sorry. But establishing a fall wardrobe is something I, indeed, do NOT do well.

I decided in August that I was going to get to the bottom of my issue. Why is it when it came to the season of fluctuating temps and falling leaves did I become green with envy over women dressed to the nines in bad ass outfits instead of going out and finding some of my own?

I would stumble through stores, leave empty-handed, drive home, run to my bedroom and cry myself to sleep on my pillow … tears streaming down my face wondering why oh why I couldn’t find anything :::cue violins:::. But with a little soul-searching :::pan to me staring outside my window, snuggled up, pondering life over a cup of tea::: I was able to figure out said issue. I had what they call Fall Wardrobe Overload … also known as “FWO.”

What are the symptoms of FWO, you ask? 

-Not being able to focus

-Trend anxiety

-Bleeding from the eyelids

-Not starting with the basics

-Nausea

-Excessive drinking

-Lacking in the wardrobe department*

*If you lack in the wardrobe department for more than three fall seasons, see your local stylist immediately.

My issue was that I had my sights set on things that were too trendy. I wanted sequins, and loud shoes, and fur collared everything, and accent pieces. Wrong … wrong … and wrong. Expectations get set too high when you go too loud too soon and you set yourself up for fall failure. It has taken me years along with blood, sweat and tears to perfect obtaining a great fall wardrobe with pieces I can style in numerous ways, and listen, if I can figure this shit out … ANYONE can.

So behold, my secret to the perfect fall wardrobe. Are you ready for this? Come closer, because I will only say it once: Start. With. The. Basics. Then work from there.

BOOM. My work here is done :::drops mic:::

It may sound boring, but if you find yourself banging your head against the wall because you can’t get your fall style act together … let me help a sister (or brother) out, shall I? Here is a breakdown of your basic fall pieces that every person needs.

Screen shot 2013-11-02 at 1.43.27 PM1. Start with Skinnies: Start with a gray pair and a black pair. I personally die for the ones at Old Navy. The price is right and I can kick, stretch and kick some more in them. And since I’m cheap (at least I admit it, right?) I try not to throw them in the dryer for fear of shrinkage. Girls gotta save for her dreams, am I right? And outside of Old Navy, I’ve been hoarding my favorite black denim from H&M for years. They are tight as shit, and you will have to dance and high kick a little to get them to move, but oh so worth it.

Screen shot 2013-11-02 at 1.44.44 PM

2. Sigh … basic flats. I know, I know … but hear me out. It isn’t fun when you are running 20 minutes late and just need a God damn simple pair of black flats and all you can find are studded booties and rhinestone encrusted open toed sling backs. Make the investment in a good pair of black, nude and leopard print (yes, leopard print, to me, is a neutral …get over it), flats. So when you ARE running late, you can just throw on any of these go-tos, which will pretty much go with everything and anything, and be done with it so you can haul ass to Point B.

Screen shot 2013-11-02 at 1.47.08 PM3. Shield Your Eyes From Saucy Boots: Over-the-knee hooker boots are my fav. If I could have closets and closets filled with them, I would. BUT … every lady needs a good pair of flat black boots and a good pair of flat brown boots. “Riding boots” … if you will. I was never a fan of brown boots, until I realized it gives a look, especially a fall one, a softer feel, where as black boots tend to give off a “dominatrix-ey” vibe. The OTK boots might be tempting you, luring you with their seductress ways … but remember, we are starting basic, here. BA-SIC. Take a cold shower and buy the basic boots … for the love of God.

Screen shot 2013-11-02 at 1.49.08 PM3. Get Down with the While Button Down: Okay, white button downs don’t just mean khakis from the Gap, tucked in with loafers. Woof. They make them a bit more … how you say … “jazzed up” now. Look outside of the Gap box and try stores like Nordstrom for edgier versions of the once boring button down.

Screen shot 2013-11-02 at 2.04.21 PM4. The Tits of T-Shirts: Call me crazy, but it is really hard to find the perfect fitting t-shirts. But when you find “the one,” it will fit perfectly. Its sleeves will be the right length. And you will throw you inhibitions to the wind and buy it in every color … and some you will buy two. Because they are a rare commodity. And know, you will wear them with everything. Don’t lie to yourself. You will. I’m already kicking myself for not investing in more of my favorite Abound t-shirts from Nordstrom Rack shown to the left.

Screen shot 2013-11-02 at 1.53.59 PM5. Rock the Trench: Yes, they are trendy right now … but they are forever. This is a forever piece. This is when you say, hey I want to invest in a designer piece, but I don’t know what to buy. You say: Burberry trench. Because you will literally have it until you are wrinkled up, old and gray.

Once the basics are obtained and you are cured of FWO … then go buy as much insane sparkle, spikes and studs as you want :::jumps up in mid-air:::

Slow Clap For Special K

CaptureI give you my 100% approval to throw stuff at me when you read the next paragraph, ahem:

When I was in 7th or 8th grade, I remember shopping at the Gap and being utterly disturbed and devastated when I went from a size 2 to a size 4. I would try to squeeze my ass in the size 2 pair of jeans … only because they were a size 2, and because I was under the assumption that moving up to a size 4 meant that I was gaining weight and getting fat. Alright, I have taken cover, you may throw whatever you want at me, just don’t aim at my face.

This awful and embarrassing memory popped in to my head when I saw the latest commercial out of Special K last night. Now I love me some Special K (and no Special K is not paying me to write any of this) … especially those breakfast bars, the chocolate and pretzel ones … to die for. The problem is I could eat like four of them in one sitting, which defeats the whole purpose of being “healthy”. I gobble it up like a beast and crave 10 more. But that is neither here nor there.

I did kind of fall in love with their “Size Sassy” campaign, for numerous reasons. In our world, obviously, there is such a push to be fit, skinny, in a size 2. Size 2 is king … and also … completely unobtainable for normal women. And you know what, there is nothing wrong with that.

A little secret about me: I never weigh myself. I’m not saying everyone should do this, but this is just what works for me. I’ll only get weighed if my doctor literally drags me to that old-fashioned machine and makes me. And it isn’t because I’m pushing that number under the rug, or turning a blind eye … it is because I feel like I am healthier when I don’t know. Listen, you know when you gain weight, or feel bloated, or even unhealthy. Your body tells you those things. You know when your pants are a little too snug and when you need to do something about it. The hard part is actually getting off your ass and making a change.

And I just want to give Special K a slow clap for changing their messaging a bit and focusing on women getting to what they believe is a comfortable weight and to one that makes them feel good enough to fit in to their “sassy pants”. For some women that may be a size 14, others it may be a size 6 … who knows. Doesn’t really matter. We don’t live in a world of 2, 4, and 6 and for the rest of the people, they can just try Sears (if you get that reference we are officially best friends). We are all different and that is what kind of rules about being a chick (Jesus, let me break out in song).

At the end of the day it is about the fit and look of a pair of jeans, not shaming yourself for not resembling Kate Moss …  am I right? A guy isn’t going to deny you and say, “woof … that girl is rockin’ a pair of size 10 Citizens of Humanity … bu bye :::z snap::: (because that is how I imagine men hit on women in their minds …clearly). No, they are going to be too busy checking out your curves to even give a shit. I’m not a violent person, what-so-ever, but if a guy EVER commented on the size of my jeans I would drop kick a bitch.

So thank you, Special K, I really hope you’ve started the movement to help women stop torturing themselves by trying desperately to lose those annoying 10 pounds, as well as fixating on their weight, and instead help them get healthy and slip into their sassy pants, whatever they may be, over a reasonable amount of time.

If you haven’t seen this kick-ass commercial, check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWEQuc1Wtb4

Disclaimer: I swear Special K did not pay me to write any of this. I just love a good advertising campaign that supports women instead of putting awful thoughts in their heads about the need to look a certain way that is totally unobtainable. Word.

Khakis … I Shall Burn Thee.

Gap_0I’m starting to feel like I need to go to a therapist about all of my repressed childhood fashion choices that haunt me to this day. Khakis. I honestly don’t think I’ve owned a pair since I was in elementary school. Hey, it was the 90’s. And even then I was forced to wear them for “fancy” events like plays, family parties and other random events I was dragged to, because at this point in time I was repulsed by dresses and this was my mother’s second best option for me to look “dressed up.” Woof.

I blame the fact that Khakis have become a “classic wardrobe staple” on The Gap and their stupid hip commercials in the 90’s with all of the swing dancing and such. Remember those? If you are an embryo and can’t remember that far back, let me enlighten you … take a walk through the 90’s here.

Yeah. That happened. Thanks, Gap. I wish I was in the boardroom when the advertising big wig had this stroke of genius. “Khakis … AND … wait for it … SWING DANCING! EH?!”

So let me explain to you the reasons why the site of Khakis make me want to create a bonfire and throw them all in there. ahem …

1. They are stain magnets. It is like the universe turns them into a magnet for any type of colored liquid or food particle to drop on them. If you wear light-colored pants, like Khakis, you are most certainly asking to get a stain in a really awkward place and then have to walk around for the rest of the day with a sweatshirt wrapped around your waist … YOU know what I’m talking about. Also, remember as a kid how you were never allowed to play outside when you were wearing them due to parental fears of grass stains? “No sweetie, after Easter mass THEN you can go play outside. We don’t need Mr. Grass Stain to get you before then, do we now?” That SUCKED.

2. They never are the right color. Like ever. The really light ones are super ugly and weird. Like are they white? Beige? What the hell are you trying to be? And then the ones that are a little too dark are just as strange and remind me of a card board box. There is never the “right color khaki.” And if you know of one, don’t even bother telling me because I still will loathe them. Just call me the Goldie Locks of Khaki pants … they are never just right.

3. Uniforms. If you have ever worked in retail or at a convenience store, chances are you either had a uniform or weren’t allowed to wear jeans. I worked at numerous retail stores back in the day, mostly discount places, and we weren’t allowed to wear jeans, which was devastating to me. I lived in jeans and really didn’t know anything else outside the world of designer jeans. So I turned to khakis and had to pull together really awful outfits in order to meet a silly dress code. Someone call my therapist because I think this is another reason why I have repressed Khaki issues. But seriously, making sandwiches and dealing with awful customers that yell at you over discounted designer goods whilst wearing Khakis? You would want to burn them, too.

4. Too Short. Too Wide. Bell bottoms, wide legged, capri, skin-tight skinnies, drawstring, floods, mom jeans in the form of Khakis … all are repulsive. Once again … I blame this on the Gap. They put really good-looking people in really ugly pants with some sort of hypnotism device in the commercial so when you watched it, you immediately needed to buy them. I have never found a pair of Khakis that have fit properly. They always make my thighs look weird, my ass look flat, and, worst of all … they are NEVER long enough. When was the last time you put on a pair of Khakis and did you best model strut? Hmm? All signs that they should be burned.

5. What the HELL do you wear with them? Okay, so you could wear a white button down, or a white t-shirt with Khakis and look like you are a Kennedy taking a stroll on the beach in Martha’s Vineyard. Or you could wear a nifty cardigan with them … but seriously, how do you make Khakis cool? They are the ultimate statement piece if you are preppy. Nothing wrong with that. If you are preppy, you’re preppy. No shame. But for the rest of us, how do we make them work? The answer is, you don’t. They are made preppy, and therefore, you really can’t take that away from them. Unless you rock a “I Heart Satan” shirt or something with them with combat boots … maybe then.

Listen, Khakis are forever cool … because the Gap said so, and what Gap says goes. But at the end of the day, they may be one of my least favorite garments in the whole entire world. I tried them … therefore I can knock them.

In the meantime, I shall call my therapist. I think we should start with the Old Navy Khaki capris I bought in sixth grade that were skin-tight and came below my knee. :::Chills:::

Ps. No one has performed a swing dance in Khakis since 1998.