Mother’s Day: Real Talk

sos55When I was little, buying my mom a present for Mother’s Day was easy. I could draw her something, make her something out of macaroni, give her a coupon book for hugs (I know, I was SUPER creative), or even get my siblings to sign my name to their gift (not that I EVER did that mom, never ever :::shifty eyes:::). And then you grow up, start making your own money and no longer are Crayola-sponsored gifts appropriate.

But you know what else isn’t appropriate for Mother’s Day? Anything that is being shown in commercials. It’s infuriating actually. No, my mom probably wouldn’t get jazzed over new towels. And she would probably punt an “open heart necklace” from Kay Jewelers. And I mean I might consider an Edible Arrangement, except the minute you want to dip a piece of fruit in chocolate, the price goes up by a million dollars.

Basically, according to commercials, moms want really tacky jewelry that looks fancy but isn’t … because supposedly “every kiss begins with Kay” … woof, food their kids will probably end up enjoying more than them, and stuff for the home. What? If and when I ever become a mother and I’m gifted anything for the home, like a vacuum cleaner for example, is the day I turn into the Incredible Hulk and start destroying shit. Fire balls would explode in to my eyes.

So instead of this bullshit we are being fed, I decided to come up with some really cool, authentic gifts for mom that will totally win you the coveted “favorite child award.” Because moms ain’t what they used to be. They are doing it all … kicking ass, taking names, and making a beautiful life for themselves and their family. That’s what women DO. And because of that fact, they deserve Dolce … not Dyson.

1. Classy Cocktails: Put down the bottle of wine that was on sale at your local liquor store, for the love of God. Get dressed up and take your mama out to a restaurant or bar that serves fancy cocktails (and no, anything with “well” liquor in it doesn’t constitute as “fancy” … sorry, bro). If a cocktail is more than $10, so be it. When it Rome …

2. OMG. SHOES: It’s true, ladies LERVE shoes. But instead of getting that pair of Keds your mom so desperately wants for her commute, maybe purchase a pair that she has been lusting over but would NEVER buy for herself. Even if she just struts are the house in them, a pretty pair of shoes can always brighten someones day. Am I right?

3. Plan An Adventure: My God mother always told me that “memories” are the best gift. So plan a day at a winery, get bombed with your mom. Go see a play. Explore a new part of your town. Plan a “couch potato day” where all you do is watch bad TV, eat greasy food and chat. Make a memory … you’ll always have it. (Damn, I’m getting sappy). Plan a spa day, but not a gift certificate, a day for you AND your mom to go together.

4. Birch Box: This is the Mother’s Day gift that keeps on giving. Not only will they get a box full of goodies every month, but they might just find their next go-to product, leaving the reminder behind each month that you are the best child on the planet.

5. Jewels Glorious Jewels: I swear to God, if any of you give anything to your mother’s from Jared or Kay or any of those other cheesy ass jewelry stores and you are an adult, SHAME. SHAME. SHAME. SHAME. Listen, if you’re going to get your mom diamonds, you should probably spend more than $99.99. Just sayin’. Go big or go home. That doesn’t mean all jewelry is out of the question, though. There are sooooooo many great statement pieces out there from Anthropologie to your local vintage store. You know what your mom likes, now go out there and get it. If you don’t well … SHAME. SHAME. SHAME. SHAME.

Listen, I realize I don’t know your mamas. Only you know her like the back-of-your hand. But try and think outside of the box. They deserve it, and you deserve to give your brain a little creative workout.

The Art Of Accepting a Heinous Present

So there ya have it folks, Christmas came and went. I love how people are so pumped to wake up early this morning and go return stuff. What? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love shopping more than the next person. But we literally just got off a months marathon of shopping, where is the fire that you need to run to the first cashier you can see? All today is, is an excuse for irate shoppers to yell at poor cashiers who do nothing wrong about how this doesn’t work, or this has a hole in it, or how this was $45.99 but they want $105.95 back. Crazytown. Honestly, today is the only day I have off, so therefore I will be kickin’ it in bed, all day … with my new fantastic shoes on, of course.

But it made me think about all the times those wacky aunts and uncles or mom and dad got you that one gift that when you pulled the tissue paper back you wanted to immediately utter, “what in the name of everything holy …,” but didn’t because the look of excitement on their faces as you opened it. I mastered this art a very long time ago. Sure, you could say, “oh, Aunt Mally … I wanted this embroidered I Love Cats sweatshirt in a large, not an extra extra extra large,” but that leads to disappointment. What I do, is no matter what, I open it and get ultra excited … about everything, because at the end of the day, these people were nice enough to think of you and buy you a gift, so get excited. You take whatever it is out of the box and say, “Oh my God … THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNKKKSS (really draw out the thanks)! This is so ::::::adjective::::, I’ve always wanted this ::::noun:::::. How thoughtful ::::get up and give a heartfelt hug::::::.” AND SCENE.

What is the point of crushing people’s hopes and dreams of buying you the perfect present. My brother, for example, is the worst. No matter what, he will open the gift, look at you and be like, “eeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh, I wanted the one in red, BUT it is not big deal.” For a while I respected his honestly, because I never had the balls to say I didn’t like something, but at the same time, the look of disappointment on my mothers face was awful.

So yes, we probably all have a couple of presents that definitely need to get returned, and I get that a lot of people have today off, so why not go for the gold today. But not this guy … it is a jungle out there. I would rather enjoy all of the things I got, watch some good movies and be a sloth than deal with the crazytown American public.

On that note, I hope everyone had a lovely holiday … and faked liking presents like true actors and actresses.