Looking Into My Crystal Ball O’ Fashion

Sometimes I think about people who survived the 70’s and 80’s and how they look back and cringe over the outfits they chose to wear. Bell bottoms, power suits, leg warmers, neon everything, acid washed this, punk rock plaid that. Now I only endured three whole years of the 80’s myself, which consisted of me wearing mostly OshKosh and Esprit … so clearly I was the epitome of adorable :::hair flip::: so I have nothing to worry about.

But why do we partake in certain trends if we know sometime down the road we will either be made fun of for what we wore, or end up making fun of ourselves … like how our parents and grandparents get flack for pornstaches, shoulder pads, and Aqua Net infused hair styles. Well kids, it is because we want to be cool. And unfortunately what sets the standards for “cool” is what comes off the high fashion runways. And unfortunately … again … some of those trends just shouldn’t trickle down to gen pop, am I right? But they do … and we make them work for the sake of being “cool.” And if you don’t agree, well then prepare yourselves for my wave of shame.

The wave of shame will have to wait, though, for now I would like to take the role as a fashion soothsayer and predict just what trends will make me cry, eye roll, and want to drink in decades to come:

Ombre Hair: Yes, kids … not only did I dive into the ombre trend head first, but I did my OWN ombre. And after 8 months, one hair cut, and one dye job … I still cannot get rid of the ombre. It’s fall. I’m over the ombre convo, personally. And when people who aren’t even born yet (ew) question why I thought it was a cool idea to dye the bottom of my hair a lighter color … I sadly won’t have an answer for them :::sigh:::

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Nail Art: Who needs a canvas when I can express myself with my nails :::jazz hands::: The question is … how many colorful geometric shapes can I have on one nail?! And psh let’s be real, you aren’t anything unless you basically have the God damn Mona Lisa painted on your middle finger nail while the others are painted in a metallic chevron print. Throw flowers on them. Put a bird on it! There. Is. No. Such. Thing. As. Too. Much.

CaptureLiquid Leggings: These seem like a great idea … especially when you don’t have the balls to buy a pair of real leather pants because deep down you know you aren’t Mick Jagger … nor will you ever be. Enter liquid leggings stage right … in every. Color. So cat woman, eat your heart out … you are about to see every delicious nook and cranny of my ass. And when my children, children’s children, children’s children’s children come across pictures of me rocking said pair of liquid leggings with a shirt that isn’t quite long enough to cover my ass fully … they will be thrown into a spiral of night terrors so intense no amount of therapy will ever help them recover.

sandy-in-greaseDIY: In 20-30 years, Pinterest will be the new Atari. And DIY-ing will be the new bedazzling. You heard it here first, kids.

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Crop Tops: I’m only including this because they forcefully make a come back every couple of decades. Think about it … 50’s/60’s, late 80’s/early 90’s … and if my math is correct (which it probably isn’t because I am an idiot when it comes to math), around 2033-ish will be when they make another come back after we banish them away in a few months. And when your kid refers to your old Urban Outfitters crop top as “vintage”, I hope you have a box of Kleenex and a bottle of Jack next to you.

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Arm Parties: Every time I say “arm party” in my head, I immediately feel this urge to jump up and dance like Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air to “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.” I’m all about arm parties. I think blending the right watches, bangles and bracelets together is amazing … with that being said, I guarantee in 20-30 years this will be considered the new “neon” or “wearing more than one watch.” But never fear, generations to come will revive it and the Man Repeller’s legacy will live on loud and proud.

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Heel-less Heels: Thanks for this one, Lady Gaga. Love, your little monsters who are now in their mid-forties with their podiatrists on speed dial. GASP is that a claw?! Nope … that’s just my foot.
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Beyonce Is Brainwashing Us

1375967866000-beyonce-pixiePhase 1:
Queen Bey chops off her “hair” into a pixie cut which causes hysteria amongst the masses. Breaking News headlines erupted, bloggers went absolutely insane, and even CNN covered the story … must have been a slow news day, huh, kids? No wars … poverty … destruction to cover? No? Alright, Beyoncé’s new do it is.

Me? Well, I wasn’t that shocked. I just assume all celebrities wear weaves, extensions, and/or wigs … because I would if I was famous. And honestly, who the hell can have long, luscious, chemically treated locks that look THAT good ALL the time … am I right? So, again, I just assumed that she took the extensions out and chopped off what was left into a fierce pixie. Not that big of a deal … not that mind-blowing. But according to sources, those long luscious locks were all hers. Mmmm hmmm and I just wake up looking natural beautiful every day. Pa-lease. And if you did, Beyoncé … why didn’t you post pics of the several inches of hair you hacked, hmmm? That moment is totes Instagram-worthy … so what’s the deal?

Brainwashed Status: Psssssh, please :::flips hair:::

Phase 2:
More people start talking about, and by more people I mean everyone in the world. I swear monks that have taken a vow of silence uttered, “did you see Beyoncé cut all of her hair off?!”

I began to get irritated, yet intrigued, over people’s idiotic statements like, “I’m going to sell my tickets to see her concert because what is Beyoncé without her hair?” Umm … whaa? A woman with that kind of endless amounts of dough could make a splash and chop all of her hair off and the next day have a flaming red bob with blunt bangs. I mean, give me a break.

But I couldn’t help thinking about the balls it took to do something so drastic like chopping your hair off. In fact, I found myself bringing it up in conversation: “So how about Bey’s pixie cut, huh?” What was happening?! I curled up in a small ball and began stroking my long, somewhat luscious locks thinking to myself, “I would never hurt you like that.”

Brainwashed Status: Bey is creepin’ on in.

Phase 3:
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All it took was one more person.

I was sitting at my desk, minding my own business, checking my Instagram (no I wasn’t, employer, I was doing … my … job :::thumbs up:::) when I saw one of my favorite models, Coco Rocha, in the process of getting her luxurious locks chopped into a pixie.

What. Was. Going. ON!?

The end product was amazing. She looked fierce. Compared to her pixie, her long hair was yawn worthy and dull. But stop. Wait. She is a model. She is always fierce. But this hair cut put me in a trance. Beyoncé looked amazing, now Coco … maybe I should …

Status: BOOM. BRAINWASHED.

For a hot minute I thought to myself, maybe JUST maybe the big change I needed in my life was to chop off all my hair. Think of how easy the maintenance would be. No more long showers conditioning my long locks, no more hours straightening and flat ironing and curling. I could just shake it out, blow it out, and be done. And then I remembered I had curly hair. And this vision flashed before my eyes for some reason:

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What had happened to me?! Had I gone insane. Abso-frikin-lutely I had! I have thick, unruly, kinky curly hair. And I’ve worked YEARS tirelessly to get my hair to this length. Why, sweet Jesus why, would I do something like that to myself?! Sure, if I had a dream team of people who could 24/sev touch up my hair during humid days and constantly reassure me that my head didn’t look ginormous and that I don’t look like a dorky, teenage boy … sure. Yes! Sign me up … but those things just aren’t in the cards now, are they?

Listen, I appreciate the Twiggy throwbacks, but I really hope this doesn’t become a “thing”, because ladies, you need to be a special person to pull off the pixie. You need to think about your personality, your style, what kind of hair you have (curly girls … avoid and use caution), your outlook on life, etc and so forth. Because some women chop of their hair and it only accentuates their beauty, and others … well … yowsa. If we could all have pixie cuts one day and long flowing locks the next like Queen Bey, well, we would, now wouldn’t we?

Sigh. Nice try with the brainwashing, Bey, now if you would excuse me, I need to go whip my long, semi-luxurious locks back and forth for funsies.