Tag: Health

Slow Clap For Special K

.Reading time 5 minutes.

CaptureI give you my 100% approval to throw stuff at me when you read the next paragraph, ahem:

When I was in 7th or 8th grade, I remember shopping at the Gap and being utterly disturbed and devastated when I went from a size 2 to a size 4. I would try to squeeze my ass in the size 2 pair of jeans … only because they were a size 2, and because I was under the assumption that moving up to a size 4 meant that I was gaining weight and getting fat. Alright, I have taken cover, you may throw whatever you want at me, just don’t aim at my face.

This awful and embarrassing memory popped in to my head when I saw the latest commercial out of Special K last night. Now I love me some Special K (and no Special K is not paying me to write any of this) … especially those breakfast bars, the chocolate and pretzel ones … to die for. The problem is I could eat like four of them in one sitting, which defeats the whole purpose of being “healthy”. I gobble it up like a beast and crave 10 more. But that is neither here nor there.

I did kind of fall in love with their “Size Sassy” campaign, for numerous reasons. In our world, obviously, there is such a push to be fit, skinny, in a size 2. Size 2 is king … and also … completely unobtainable for normal women. And you know what, there is nothing wrong with that.

A little secret about me: I never weigh myself. I’m not saying everyone should do this, but this is just what works for me. I’ll only get weighed if my doctor literally drags me to that old-fashioned machine and makes me. And it isn’t because I’m pushing that number under the rug, or turning a blind eye … it is because I feel like I am healthier when I don’t know. Listen, you know when you gain weight, or feel bloated, or even unhealthy. Your body tells you those things. You know when your pants are a little too snug and when you need to do something about it. The hard part is actually getting off your ass and making a change.

And I just want to give Special K a slow clap for changing their messaging a bit and focusing on women getting to what they believe is a comfortable weight and to one that makes them feel good enough to fit in to their “sassy pants”. For some women that may be a size 14, others it may be a size 6 … who knows. Doesn’t really matter. We don’t live in a world of 2, 4, and 6 and for the rest of the people, they can just try Sears (if you get that reference we are officially best friends). We are all different and that is what kind of rules about being a chick (Jesus, let me break out in song).

At the end of the day it is about the fit and look of a pair of jeans, not shaming yourself for not resembling Kate Moss …  am I right? A guy isn’t going to deny you and say, “woof … that girl is rockin’ a pair of size 10 Citizens of Humanity … bu bye :::z snap::: (because that is how I imagine men hit on women in their minds …clearly). No, they are going to be too busy checking out your curves to even give a shit. I’m not a violent person, what-so-ever, but if a guy EVER commented on the size of my jeans I would drop kick a bitch.

So thank you, Special K, I really hope you’ve started the movement to help women stop torturing themselves by trying desperately to lose those annoying 10 pounds, as well as fixating on their weight, and instead help them get healthy and slip into their sassy pants, whatever they may be, over a reasonable amount of time.

If you haven’t seen this kick-ass commercial, check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWEQuc1Wtb4

Disclaimer: I swear Special K did not pay me to write any of this. I just love a good advertising campaign that supports women instead of putting awful thoughts in their heads about the need to look a certain way that is totally unobtainable. Word.

There Is No Crying In Spray Tanning!

.Reading time 8 minutes.

Screen shot 2013-04-22 at 8.39.16 PMAs most of you know by now … I’m pale. Like really pale. Like pathetically pale. And lucky for me, some kind soul read my post about how pale I actually am and felt a need to aid in my search for a little sun kissed color. I woke up the next morning with a kind message from Adrienne, the owner of Baked Tanning in Philadelphia, offering to give me a spray tan … and when you look like Casper the Friendly Ghost’s twin like I do … you jump on a golden opportunity like this.

I had only been spray tanned once prior to this experience, and quite frankly it was pretty stressful. The exfoliating, the turning too dark after waiting too long to shower, the exfoliating again, and again, and again, and dealing with parts of your body that were darker than others. Luckily Adrienne gave me “spray tanning 101” which I will share with you now so you can enjoy a painless, stress-free, almost relaxing tanning experience.

1. Exfoliate, Shave and Say Your Prayers: Don’t go insane, but get that dead skin off before the tan. You’ve been hiding your epidermis under bulky sweaters and tights for the past five months … start with a fresh layer of skin, ladies and gents. And yes … ev-er-y-where, all the good nooks and crannies. And the same goes for any unwanted hair. You may or may not be in the shower for a solid 45 minutes … I gave your fair warning.

2. Go All Natural: That means no makeup, moisturizer, or deodorant. Oh yeah … bet you didn’t know spray tanning turns deodorant green … cause it does. The Incredible Hulk look is so not hawt right now. So yeah, you may look like a hot mess going to and from the spray tan, but do what I did and pretend you are going to the gym … except … not. When people looked at me, I gave them a look back like, “oh yeah … don’t mind me … just going to pump some iron … in flip flops … yeaaaaahhh DON’T LOOK AT ME!”

3. Trust the Person Spraying You: If you don’t … walk the hell out. But usually … USUALLY … the person spraying you knows what shade of tan will look best on you. I trust Adrienne 110% because she gave me her background, told me how she trains her employees, etc. It’s okay to ask them those questions. And asking them their opinion is encouraged … they are the experts, for crying out loud. For example, if I told Adrienne that I wanted to look like I sat out in the sun below the equator for the past three months with no SPF, she would have told me I was absolutely cray and I would have respected that. Instead a natural, healthy glow was suggested.

4. Kim Kardashian Is An Idiot: If you’ve watched the entire season of Kourtney and Kim Take Miami with drool coming out of your mouth like me … then you’ve seen Kim and her blurred out nipples getting spray tanned every other day. Not just getting spray tanned … but getting layers and layers and layers of spray tanning. Turns out, there is no need to get layers of spray tan to make you darker. One layer of tan, with the right color suggested, will give you the perfect color … like I did. So Kim, maybe you should fire your fancy in-home spray tan specialist and hire Adrienne … just sayin’. I can’t image huffing spray tanning fumes is good for you either… organic smorganic.

5. Tans Don’t Just Fall Off: People think spray tans can melt off, slide off, run away without leaving a goodbye note. Nope. Let me bring it back to freshman year science class for a sec. Your skin is made up of cells. So in essence, you’re getting your cells spray tanned (ew … mental image). So when those cells die, they, along with their fierce spray tan, will fall off … making you pale once again. So you have to put effort into making those cells stay alive by moisturizing, for the love of God, with baby products. Powders, oils … yes … baby products. In my mind they may be cheaper, but I am in no way shape or form a momma, so who the hell knows.

6. No Fist Pumps or Hair Poofs: I didn’t leave Baked Jersey Shore-style … but God forbid you do … nail polish remover may be your best friend. Sometimes your ankles, knuckles, knee caps may get a little darker, and if that happens rub a little nail polisher remover over those areas and you’ll be good as gold. OR a lemon and sugar rinse will do the trick, if you’re an “all-natural” type of person.

I gotta say … this is by far the best spray tanning experience I’ve EVER had. I’m going on week two and I still have a nice, natural glow still (but I also made sure to keep my cells hydrated). And unfortunately, Kim Kardashian is a dirty liar … I did NOT feel 10 pounds lighter, but I did get a massive boost of confidence from it. I didn’t feel the need to wear as much makeup and I just felt healthier. A great self-esteem boost if you need a little pick-me-up.

And if you don’t live by Philly … I feel terrible for you, because I’m giving Adrienne and Baked Tanning my massive, shiny, unicorn sparkle stamp of approval for all fabulous ladies out there that need a pick-me-up. Not only is she a ridiculously talented spray tanner, but most importantly is no bullshit and will give you a service that will make you glow from inside and out.

So to Adrienne, I thank you so much for hooking me up so I don’t look like I’m an extra on the set of True Blood as well as taking the time to explain the fine art of how to get a beautiful and long lasting spray tan. Aaaaaaand I may be back in the next week … I’m starting to look like Casper again … ah!

Pale Panic

.Reading time 5 minutes.

Casper_the_friendly_ghost_4604f42d4e883Tomorrow Mother Nature FINALLY decided to throw in the winter towel and give us a little taste of spring. Thank God. Now I can literally burn my winter coat. We’ve had far too much quality time together … and it must be destroyed. But I digress.

In anticipation for the warmer weather, I was just brainstorming outfits to wear tomorrow … all of which are either dresses or skirts sans tights … and I feel like every time I imagine wearing said dress or skirt sans tights I find myself in this awareness commercial for pale skin.

“Are you pale? ::: pans to me sitting around a table with my friends who are all laughing and having a good time, but I’m too busy trying to cover up my legs underneath the table::: Do you feel like pants are your only option? :::me laying in bed depressed as I pull the covers of my pale legs::: Know you aren’t alone. Paleness happens to everyone. :::”The More You Know” star swipe:::

I’ve been pale my entire life, in fact getting tan is something I have to dedicate my life to in the summers … and ain’t nobody got time for that. And I’m not like a porcelain skin, Florence Welch pale either. I’m like pasty pale. I want to punt people who have flawless porcelain skin as a matter of fact. I’m half Irish with pasty, gross pale skin, and half damn Sicilian … SICILIAN … and don’t have a drop of gorgeous olive skin on me. HMPH. Damn you, genes. But this year I’m like EXTRA pale. Why? Well … a few years ago I decided I was done “tanning.” Maybe it was the stupid Jersey Shore show and all of those kids looking like they were a rough 40 years old because of sun exposure, maybe it’s the fact that wrinkles scare the shit out of me and I know I’m not going to be in my 20’s forev … I really don’t know. But I’m done with it.

I was the Irish girl in high school who would go out in the sun wearing no SPF or like SPF 4 because I so desperately wanted to be dark and end up getting so badly sunburned I almost had to go to the hospital. I went to tanning salons all throughout college to bring all the boys to the yard or something. And now … nothing. For the past two summers I’ve invested in SPF 30 and above, and I think last summer I went to the beach once.

So yes … I’m insanely pale, by choice. No … like uncomfortably pale. See through pale. If you ever were curious as to what my tibia looks like … you could probably get a sneak peek right now. But that doesn’t mean I can’t spray tan or use tanning creams, which I’m open to. Spray tans are expensive … so that really isn’t an option except for special occasions, and I still need to do my research on which tanning cream won’t make me look like a carrot. So this whole me having to expose my paleness to the world tomorrow has caught me ALL sorts of off guard.

My options are I either sweat it out, wear pants or tights as everyone frolics about town in cute spring dresses with exposed skin as I have a Little Mermaid moment singing “Apart of Your World” staring out my office window as I eat my feelings. Or I just embrace my paleness, be an asshole and every time someone makes a comment or makes fun of me for being so pale, throw a skin cancer statistic back in their face. Boom. Yeah … no I’m not that guy.

But I do have a little secret weapon called the maxi skirt, my friends. Hello lover. It is totally cheating the system and I loves it. I’ll be covered so no one can tell I resemble Casper the Friendly Ghost, yet still get to feel the beautiful spring breeze. Problem solved. In the meantime, I’ll be on the hunt to try and find some cream that will make me look like I’m not actually vitamin D deficient.

Top 10 Guilty Pleasures … Do You Dabble?

.Reading time 6 minutes.

imagesAs I lay face down in my overflowing sea of caramel and marshmallow bunny rabbits … I can’t help but think about my guilty pleasures in life. You know … those things that may or may not be good for you, but are too satisfying to not indulge. Like … laying face down in a pile of Easter candy wrappers … not that I am … or … anything … :::coughs, wipes caramel away from corner of mouth inconspicuously:::

We all have them, we all love them … so why not chat about the things that make us feel secretly fantastic, right?

Behold ladies and the five gents that are reading this, my guilty pleasures in life, ahem …

1. Wearing Red Lipstick for No Reason: Whether I’m writing or just doing a whole lot of nothing, sometimes putting on some red lipstick turns a “blah” day into a special day. Sure, if anyone saw me randomly walking around my house by myself talking to my cat wearing red lipstick would say I’m one step away from becoming the crazed cat lady from the Simpsons … but it makes me feel good, alright?

2. Drinking Wine Whilst Eating Chocolate: If you are looking for a slice of heaven … come home from work one day, pour yourself a healthy glass of vino, get some M&Ms, or your chocolate or choice, and indulge. There truly is nothing more satisfying … well, I’m sure there is … but if you need a quick, relaxing fix … go to town on this one.

3. Laying on my Couch Watching Bravo and Drooling: This keeps me sane. When I need to tune out the world, relax, and not think, I get in my favorite sweats, plant myself on my couch and get lost in botoxed rich bitches screaming at each other. When I end up drooling, I know my mission of decompression has been completed. (Seriously how hawt am I?)

4. Instagramming Like a Bawwwwssss: Have you ever seen something really cool and said to yourself quietly, “I’m gonna Instagram the shit out that”? Oh yeah … no? Cool … me either :::Shifty eyes, backs away slowly::: Fine … my name is Kate and I’m addicted to Instagram (@LifeSucksInAStraplessBra follow along with me, please!)

5. Singing “What’s Up” By the 4 Non Blondes Really Loudly In My Car: And I said … HEEEEEEEEEY YEAAAAAA YEAAAAA YEAAAA EH EHHHH, HEEEEEEEEEEEY YEA YEAAAAAAAAA, I said HEY! AAAAA WHAT’S GOIN’ ON?! You should drive past me, I really put on a really fantastic show because I think I can sing … in my car … only.

6. Picking My Nail Polish Off: Okay, not an attractive quality, I get it … especially since doing this leaves me with crack head nails, but it is beyond satisfying, especially if you just need to zone out from stress. Of course afterwards I always say to myself, “dammit, why did I just do that!” but at the time it was worth it, that is what matters.

7. Changing Something About My Appearance: Hey remember the time I dyed my hair ombre … myself? Yeah … sometimes when I’m trying to get over something or get ridiculously bored … I get this violent urge to change something about myself. And it always makes me feel fantastic. Even if my hair doesn’t turn blonde but a weird shade of brownish-red, I consider it a win.

8. Pretending I’m A Bad Ass: Apart of me wants to hate people who wear sunglasses indoors, especially whilst shopping. Another part of me wants to slow clap them. Listen, sometimes when I go out in public I don’t want to see an-y-one. Oversized shades give me an opportunity to have a “Big Daddy” moment where I can act invisible. It is kind of genius, right? So if you see me wearing sunglasses out in public, in a store, chances are I don’t want to chat with you.

9. Pinning Before Bed: Some people say their prayers before they go to bed, I pin. Not only is it soothing … it is inspiration. I rarely know what I’m going to wear the next morning … so looking at some fab outfits gives me more time to hit snooze and less time to ponder what the hell I’m going to put on my bod.

10. Impulsively Buying Makeup At The Drugstore: Who hasn’t walked into a drugstore for tissues or tampons and found themselves in the makeup department randomly buying lip gloss or foundation. How could you not when beauty commercials leave taglines in your head like, “Get the London Look.” I’ll walk past the Rimmel London section and all of a sudden find myself saying, ummm hell YES, Georgia May Jagger, I want the London look! $50 later I have a bag full of random makeup that I don’t need and a box of tampons.

So since I spilled the beans … now I need to know … what are your guilty pleasures?

Turning Makeup Chaos Into Makeup Sense

.Reading time 6 minutes.

 

I’m a notorious pack rat. I save every little tiny piece of everything to have a “memory.” And according to the shelf on top of my closet, I have far too many memories to store since I risk a box of Hallmark cards from 1995 falling on my head and giving me a concussion every time I enter my closet. It is not just keepsakes that I hang on to … oh no. Makeup hoarding a whole ‘nother hoarding issue to deal with.
Check out Exhibit A. to the left. Yes, that is a Nordstrom bag pretty much filled with makeup that I tossed after going on a violent cleaning rampage whilst listening to the Blueprint III. I basically use five or six products on my face every day. Maybe seven if I’m putting my fancy pants on for the night. So I thought to myself, why in Jesus Christ’s name do I have a horrific drawer filled to the brim with nonsense that I never use, making it hard for me to track down the makeup I actually want to apply, which in turn makes me late.
It wasn’t just makeup that was filling my makeup drawer with chaos, it was excess nonsense that was turning my drawer into the land of cray-cray. Eye liner shavings, caps from God only knows what, three bottles of red nail polish, all old as hell, all half empty (#problems), my hair (yes, I straighten my hair at my vanity, which is where my makeup drawer is … and I shed like a mofo), boxes from makeup I’ve purchased and never thrown out, old razors (yeah, I know … I questioned that one too), black powder (I’m hoping it was eye shadow and that someone was not trying to poison me secretly) … and so much other ridiculous crap.
So if you feel like your makeup drawer is like the cave of wonders holding nonsense you could do without, learn how I transformed my makeup drawer, Exhibit A to the left, by asking myself the following questions … ahem:
1. Have you worn this in the past month? If not, toss.
2. Was it expensive? Doesn’t really matter if you haven’t worn it in the past month, toss.
3. Is this a color/product you have been holding out on to because you need time to experiment with it but haven’t gotten around to it? Toss … you’ll never get around to it if you haven’t already.
4. Are you just saving this makeup for a “what if” scenario? Have you been saving it since college? Toss … if a “what if” pops up there is an Ulta/Sephora on almost every corner next to all Starbucks now.
5. Is it absolutely disgusting to the point that it creeps you out to even touch. Toss!
6. Are you just saving it because it is a cute sample size and makes you happy. Toss … and for the love and get a therapist while you’re at it.
7. Do you have 17 of the same product … all half empty (like my mascara issue)? Toss it ALL and start fresh, unless they are different brands.
8. Do you find yourself collecting said item (like me and my empty bottles of perfume)? Who has room for that kind of shit … toss!
9. Are you just hanging on to shitty makeup brushes so it looks like you have numerous different kinds like the experts tell you to? TOSS … shitty brushes don’t count.
10. Are you saving all this shitty, old makeup so it looks like you have an overflowing drawer? Toss it all. Christ, less is more when it comes to makeup. Quality over quantity. No one is ever going to look at your makeup drawer expect you and maybe your roommates, significant other, and/or best friends once in a blue moon. All people who will not care if you have 10 really great makeup products over 100 old, probably useless and outdated ones.
And after asking myself the above 10 questions, behold Exhibit B, my makeup drawer of perfection! Sure it looks bare, but having the chaos eliminated is truly amazing. Do you understand how genius it is to put my hand in my makeup drawer and not pull it out to discover a weird powder or liquid on it!? Ah-mazing.
I suggest all makeup drawer owners to ask yourself those 10 questions. Coming from a girl who has a makeup hoarding issue and literally had makeup from her college years (yes … college … I won’t date myself by saying how long ago that was) and was keeping it for the “what if” factor making my makeup drawer look like swamp thing, you can do it. I have faith in you. Turn on the Blueprint III and get to business. Less is more and remember, this is your face and body. Take care of it properly!