What A Gal Needs To Holiday Shop

mediateYou would think I would say a bottle of Jack and Kevlar … but you’re sorely mistaken, my friend.

I personally don’t believe in handwritten lists. I loathe them. I loathe them because I take precious time to write them and within seconds it is like they get sucked into a vortex never to be seen again … therefore I’m back to good ol’ square one. But going holiday shopping blind or with a mental list is just as bad. “Oooh there is the shirt my brother wants, but I need to get a shirt for my sister, too … EEEE something shiny! Squirrel.” Yeah … listless, that is what goes on in my head.

So if you are like me and hate writing lists, but don’t want to torture yourself by going out shopping blind, buying things on random ridiculous whims … there are certain things you can do to save your sanity. Organized shopping means quick shopping. It also means the less you have to interact with the insane holiday shoppers traditionally acting a fool.

You’re welcome, in advance.

Tweet-a-le-dee: If you don’t believe in Twitter, I can’t help you. But it is wise to get yourself a handle and start following your favorite stores/designers. They tend to post sales, special offers, hidden gems within the store. And yes, some may even respond to you if you have questions or concerns, or if you want to show them a little love and tell them how much they rock … or want to partake in a bitchfest about how much their customer service sucks. Ahhh sweet technology. What can’t you do?

Booze: I was just kidding about the lack of Jack above … CLEARLY. After shopping, cocktails are always a must. Or if you are really going into the shopping trenches, maybe pack a flask. Just sayin’ …

Today Will Be a GREAT Day!: If you are in the slightest bad mood, do us ALL a damn favor a stay home. No one wants you out. The deadline for holiday shopping, in my world, is Dec. 24 11:59 p.m. Trust me, if you aren’t thinking positively, you aren’t going to accomplish shit. Instead you are going to get frustrated, start honking your horn for no reason, and saying things under your breath like, “no … seriously, I’LL move out of the way … that’s right … your huge cart with ugly things definitely deserves to take up the entire aisle. My apologies. Let me just kill myself scooting around it so you can add more to your pile of crap properly … whore.” Seriously, bad mood equals staying at home and binging on a really great TV series … not interacting with sales associates and innocent shoppers trying to make Santa dreams come true.

New School Lists: If you absolutely can’t go listless, use the Notes function on your iPhone … or whatever notepad function other phones have (hi, iPhone snob here). I know it seems like common sense, but I would be useless without this. I have numerous pages of random nonsense written down, that probably doesn’t all need to be written down, but when I need it … it’s there. I literally have a list that is like blog inspiration, blog topics, buy shampoo, Comcast log in information, and cat bow tie. Not lying.

Map It Out, Yo: Plan your route. Think about the stores you need to go to, what order is the best to visit them, and exactly what you need and where in said store they are located. That way you are in and out in seconds. My only other piece of advice would be to not make eye contact with ANYONE … that way you are sure to avoid any obstacles. No. Eye. Contact. Ya heard?

Dress for Tropical Temps: Jesus. CHRIST. I was in American Apparel and I thought I was going to faint. Rainy and cold outside, equator inside. Not cool … and not a surprise why I have a sinus infection right now. Bastards. But I’ve come to realize that I would rather be freezing my face off walking around, then sweating inside a store when I’m trying to accomplish holiday shopping tasks. There is nothing worse than having your hands full, standing in line with a bunch of clowns, sweating to death, waiting as the woman checking out is contesting $2 on a damn pair of tights. All you want to do is hurt someone. Like badly. Wear a sun dress and shut up.

Hello, Interwebs, Is It Me You’re Looking For?: Listen, the more people shop online … the less insanity we will all have to deal with. Doesn’t the thought of being curled up on your couch in your Snuggie, with a warm cup of tea, Christmas music playing in the background … taking care of your holiday shopping with just a few clicks? No crazy bitches. No heatwaves. No non-enthused sales associates drooling. No people running you down in parking lots. Just Bing Crosby, your credit card, the Interwebs, and you. :::Sigh:::

Retire Your “Sexy” Cat Ears …

grady… because scary is the new sexy this Halloween.

We’ve all done it, ESPECIALLY if you are a college graduate. You say you won’t wear lingerie, throw on a pair of animal ears and call yourself a “mouse … duh” (it just wouldn’t be Halloween without quoting Mean Girls), but you will and you do … because every girl you know is, and dressing like an ironic tree just doesn’t seem like it would make you the coolest chick at the party anymore.

I was torn this Halloween. Do I go funny … or do I go scary, something I hadn’t done since I dressed like a witch in third grade. Most of the time I go funny … or as a pop culture reference. But this year … I was jonsin’ to scare the shit out of people. Don’t know why … just was. And what is scarier than the twins from The Shining, am I right?

And after attending a party this past weekend where I spent the night freaking people out, including me when I looked in the mirror … I realized that dressing scary is a thousand times better than dressing like a cat whore. I imagine the two guys reading this want to throw sharp objects at me for making a statement like that … but wait, I have my reasoning:

1. The Hotter The Mess The Better: Making yourself look dead is a breath of fresh air from the every day trial and tribulation of trying to make yourself look like a stud. I received more joy out of applying thick amounts of black eyeliner and smearing it down my face then if I was actually trying to perfect the cat eye look. I rubbed eye shadow on my lips to accent my paleness … I did things outside of my makeup comfort zone (since, I try my hardest to, you know, look alive on a daily basis). AND, not to mention, no one could tell if I was drunk or not. In fact at one time I looked at myself in the mirror mortified over how drunk I looked, but realized it was just my awesome death makeup. My biggest concern of the night wasn’t that my whore red lipstick had come off, but that I didn’t look scary enough. When, my friends, will you EVER get this opportunity?! It’s brilliant.

2. Get Comfy: Sure, wearing corsets, fish nets and stilettos seems like a fun idea, in essence, but it sucks. Badly. It literally encompasses everything about Life Sucking In A Strapless Bra. You’re cold, you’re in pain, your God damn fish nets are falling down, you look drunker than you are because you can’t walk in your stilettos, and every 10 seconds you have to keep checking to make sure your giggly bits haven’t popped out of their home for the evening. Awful. Hence why rocking a nightgown from the granny section of Walmart … yep WALMART … and flats was pure genius. I was warm, I kept my figure by belting it with ribbon, AND … my favorite part, I had pockets. POCKETS! I didn’t have to shove my phone in my cleavage, for once.

3. That’s a Scary Mask, Bro: I got to scare the shit out of people for funsies. I mean, this one speaks for itself. If there was someone chatting with me that I didn’t want to entertain anymore, I would just turn on the Shining charm, angle my face down and look seriously frightening. Memo was received after that one.

4. No Competition: Girls spend more time than you think trying to make themselves look like an amazingly, beautiful version of themselves in pop star/whorish cat form.  And when a hotter version of your costume would waltz in to the party, it would crush your evening and make you want to lose your voice talking shit. But when you are dressed as a zombie twin … it doesn’t matter. Oh hey, 14 versions of Lady Gaga … what’s good? I’m going to go twerk in my granny gown from Walmart. Byeeeee.

So there you have it, ladies. Don’t be afraid to get a little scary … it rules, mostly because of the comfort level. I don’t want to act like an ACTUAL granny here, but if you think guys will want to talk to you more just because you threw on some fish nets, short shorts and called yourself some sort of woodland creature … well, for shame. Have fun … that’s what Halloween is all about. I had fun scaring people … and if being a whorish squirrel will make your evening come alive … then so be it … who the hell am I to judge!

Happy Halloween, kids!

Wear Green Responsibly … Or Get Pinched!

I don’t know about you, but St. Patrick’s Day is literally my all-time favorite holiday. And it isn’t because I’m half Irish, or that I have a shamrock tattoo on my ankle, or that I love the fact that it is socially acceptable to start drinking at 9 a.m. and pretend like you are in college again for the day … no … not at all :::shifty eyes::: So as you can tell, I’m pumped to start the celebration … responsibly of course.

But I gotta say, I’m over the typical St. Patrick’s Day, college-like outfits. You know what I’m talking about. The ridiculous green tights with the green and white striped knee highs, with some crazy shamrock headband or bow that lights up, and a low cut, ultra tight “Kiss Me I’m Irish” T. I’m :::mumbles something::: years out of college, and just don’t feel the need to have it look like the Party Store vommed green all over me anymore. It’s time to put the style back in St. Patrick’s Day, ladies.

Wanna hear something that will absolutely blow your mind? The color blue was originally associated with St. Patrick’s Day. And my favorite fun fact of the day: There is a legend that says we wear green to become invisible to leprechauns who will pinch us if they see us. And that legend is why I am proud to be Irish, my dear friends.

So let’s not hit up Party City and any green graphic T you can find, and instead, go for a stylish green look! Here are some of my favorite green pieces that I found using one of my favorite websites for style, POPSUGAR. I could definitely see myself enjoying a whiskey drink or two … or five … in any of these green garbs.

Ps. I may or may not still fancy a pair of green shamrock sunglasses when I’m drunk. Just sayin’ … those are acceptable.

Click the image to find just where you can make this green look your own!







Jesus Did Not Die NOR Did He Rise …

meh-funny-anti-valentines-day-t-shirt… on February 14.

Valentine’s Day is such a bunch of bullshit. Seriously … way to go Hallmark for finding a way to make people want to crawl in a black hole one day a year for no other reason than the fact that they aren’t receiving chocolates, flowers and idiotic cards that say, “I Woof You,” with some pathetic looking dog on it. I’ve seen girls literally cry themselves into a frenzy watching other women receive flowers and not them. It’s wild and sad all at the same time.

Now I’m not speaking as an enraged woman who just had her heart-broken … absolutely not. Because even if you are with that “special someone” … these Valentine’s Day advertisements have an acute way of making you feel absolutely alone. All of a sudden your mind goes to crazy places like, “my boyfriend doesn’t shop at Jared … what does it mean!?!” “Why haven’t I received an open heart necklace … huh?!” “OMG … I’m sitting on my couch alone right now … I’m going to be alone forever … ever … ever …ever :::Trails off:::” In-san-i-ty.

I wouldn’t even take the time to acknowledge the fact that Cupid voms all over the place this time of year if it wasn’t for a very poignant conversation I just had with my best friend. I won’t give you the nitty-gritty details, but it was about “getting back to you.” It is so easy to get lost in work, every day life, a relationship, that you begin to lose yourself … including what you stand for. Only until someone smacks you upside the head and makes it crystal clear what you have become is when you realize that you are standing as a hot mess at point B … and point A (where your true self exists) is like 500,000 miles away in the opposite direction. And that is when you stop and say, “sssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiit.”

So I want to stick it to Valentine’s Day this year … and I’m hoping all of my fab readers will stand with me. And I’m not saying this in an Alanis Morissette kind of “You Outta Know” way. I’m saying it so ladies out there don’t take it as a green light to torture the men in their lives for not planning the “perfect evening” and for the other set of single women to plan elaborate all female gatherings Real Housewives-style chugging white wine and spurting out half thought out sentence fragments about why being single is so awesome and how “I don’t need no mans ::: drunken z-snap:::”, oh yeah and … “why doesn’t he LOVE me?!!?!?! ::::drunken tears::::: Ew.


So do me a fav and …


Please refrain from the following:

1. All girl dinners that end up being drunken convos about ex-boyfriends and how much they suck … yet don’t … yet do … yet don’t … and usually end with a pathetic drunken text to him/her that sounds like SUCH a good idea at the time, but when you wake up in the morning will make you want to die. Seriously ladies … just don’t. Seriously. “No … but I jussssss … need … to tell him … that I’m sooooooo over husss stupid azzzzz.” Yeah … text messaging ex-boyfriends should have a breathalyzer device attached to it. Apple … get on this.

2. Rolling your eyes at co-workers/friends who get showered the legit way for Valentine’s Day with flowers and such. It will be tempting … but let’s take the high road. There are some good ones out there who know how to do it right, no matter how stupid and clique it may seem. So anyone who wants to send me milk chocolate caramels … I will not stop you, nor will I roll my eyes. Just sayin’ …

3. Putting up a status somewhere across social media about Valentine’s Day and how fabulous you are with an undertone of saltiness that you are single. Seriously … not a good look. Tacky if anything. Being single isn’t cancer and age is it but a number. Get. Over. Yourself.

But seriously …

Please indulge in the following:

1. How fantastic you are … personally, professionally, all around … indulge in it. It is a day about “love”, right? Think of all the ways that you make life lovable and how life makes you lovable. Put on a fabulous outfit, go about your day like any other day … but take the time to love yourself. I know I sound like a heinous self-help nightmare right now, but I’m serious for once. It is important, dammit.

2. How fantastic the people in your life are. Family, friends … even if you have one of each … it is a blessing. I am the luckiest girl in the world to be surrounded by such lovely friends. That is something to celebrate and hell … I may even consider buying them a God damn open heart necklace because yes, they rock THAT much.

3. Know that one day to show the love … just isn’t enough and shouldn’t be enough. The love should be shown 365 days a year. Nice try Hallmark, but we ain’t buyin’. One day of roses and candies and naked Cupids doesn’t mean shit at the end of the day. It means your neighbor gave in to the man … and you didn’t. BOOM.

Ahhh Valentine’s Day … how you make us all go cray. But this year … it is time to rise above.



Things That Make Me Want To Vom During The Holidays

I don’t know if you are aware … but it’s Christmas time. In fact, it has been Christmas time since like mid-October. They started off slowly in stores like pumpkins, pumpkins, pumpkin candy, Christmas tree, ghost, goblin, Santa … but now since we are like a solid week away from when it is ACTUALLY Christmas time, stores have said “screw it” let’s start this shit early.

In other news, I happen to love Christmas time. The lights, decorations, music … ahh it doesn’t get any better than that. But some people (not naming names … but you know who are you are) take it upon themselves to turn Christmas time into the cheesiest cheesefest of the year … making me want to said … vom. So besides Nat King Cole, Michael Jackson at a young age, the isle of misfit toys and caramel Santas … here are the things that make me want to vom during Christmas time … ahem.

Jeweler Commercials: My God. Mom trimming the tree as Dad swoops in holding a Kay Jewelers box with a Jane Seymour exclusive open heart necklace inside. Umm yeah … here’s what’s up. I don’t want a fake diamond necklace designed by Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman … okay? If every kiss begins with Kay then I’m going to become celibate. Clueless men out there… from me to you … think outside the Kay Jewelers box.

Lexus Commercials: I love it. A woman wakes up Christmas morning and her perfect golden retriever runs over to her wearing a red bow with a key at the end of the ribbon. She looks at it puzzled as her hubby motions to the window where she looks out and exclaims … “OH MY GOD … YOU GOT ME A LEXUS?!” Really? Who buys anyone a Lexus for anything let alone as a Christmas present. No one. I get Forever 21 PJ bottoms and I’m like to the moon happy. And how do you hide a Lexus from someone? What … did he like creep out of bed at 5 a.m., walk to where the car was, drive it in the garage and just pull a ridiculously large bow out of his ass? Huh? Honestly, seems like a lot of work. Pssst … advertisers for Lexus, this isn’t real life.

Couples Who Take Pictures in Front of the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree: Okay so New York is kind of amazing all the time … but during the holidays it is just straight up magical. But there is nothing that makes me want to unfriend you more than if you post a picture of you and your significant other, your bestie, or whomever else in front of that tree during Christmas. It’s just … unoriginal … corny even? So note to self, you post a picture of this and you are straight up getting unfriended … you’ve been warned. Take a picture in front of the holiday Barneys window … then we’ll talk.

People Who Use Santacon As An Excuse To Dress Slutty: Like it wasn’t bad enough that Halloween has turned into an excuse for females to buy out Victoria’s Secret, pop on a pair of ears and call themselves “a mouse … duh,” but now Christmas?! Come on. Take your American Apparel red tights, you hooker boots, and your furry coats someplace else. Same goes for Rudolph and the elves. Santa has a beard, he’s fat as all hell, he gets down with milk and cookies whenever he can, and he’s a gentle old man. How is this sexy?! For shame …

The Neiman Marcus Holiday Catalog: For the sheer fact I can’t even fathom affording ANYTHING in this book … it makes me weep. It is beautiful, over the top fantastic … yet :::sigh::: out of my reach. One day Neiman … but for now … you make me want to vom out of sheer sadness. Sorry I can’t buy my significant other a jet this year … shucks. Oh well … I suppose a cheese sandwich and a yo-yo will have to do.

People Who Wear Ugly Christmas Sweaters To Be Ironic: I blame Urban Outfitters and hipsters for this one. Ugly Christmas sweater parties took off when I was in college … and sure it’s funny to watch your friends strutting around drunk in a snowman embroidered turtleneck. But honestly … it’s over. Some granny’s still enjoy a good snowman sweater! What about them! Huh?! It isn’t cool, it isn’t cute, it isn’t creative (anymore) and it is the gateway fashion statement to dressing like a slut. You host an ugly Christmas sweater party and just expect someone to dress like a whore reindeer … just sayin’. You did this to yourself.

Malls/People Who Shop at Malls: Ew. I swear, malls turn into the center of hell once Black Friday hits. You’ve got the crazies, the temperature becomes equivalent to the equator, babies are ALWAYS crying at octaves only dogs can hear, sales associates want to hang themselves which therefore create a hostile shopping environment (trust me, I’ve been that sales associate before), and people turn into lunatics that will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to get that “great deal,” including: Cursing, causing a scene, telling off innocent sales associates because they can, throwing shit, getting in legit fist fights (I’ve seen in), participating in a tug of war over a piece of clothing, creating a stampede, etc., etc., etc. Woof … I’ll hide behind my laptop and online shop in my bed as I eat bon bons, kay thanks. See ya never, crazies.

If You Exclaim on Facebook “Aren’t I the Luckiest Girl in the World”: Some guys hit it out of the park when it comes to Christmas gifts. The will pull something out of left field and give you the gift of all gifts. Fantastic. But no need to take a picture of it, post … “OH EM GEEEEEEEE … aren’t I the LUCKIEST girl in the world!? ;)” Fine … you’re excited and want the entire world to know how fab your significant other is … but just so we’re clear AGAIN … I’m going to unfriend you. Instead of posting on Facebook, perhaps go run into the street and scream what you would make your status and see how idiotic you sound. “OH EM GEE, Bobby just got me the new black suede clutch from COACH, AREN’T I THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WOR …” and before you even get the words out, I guarantee someone will tell you to shut the hell up. Point proven.

Ahhhh and there you have it. Harsh? Absolutely … but I speaks the truth. No I am not a man hater, nor do I hate “love,” but I do want you to remember that Christmas is more than what is under your tree. Boom.

In other news … I can’t wait to play N’Sync Christmas! Right?! Who is with me!