It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like … Wait It’s November!

tumblr_ldacwv1dSV1qavyzyLast night I was minding my own business watching TV, relaxing, snuggling my cat … the usual … when all of a sudden Santa was ho-ho-ho-ing all over my damn screen. Umm, whaaa? And not only that, he showed up like 50 more times. And a few weeks back I was scanning radio stations and heard, for a split second, a Paul McCartney Christmas song, and almost crashed into the guard rail frantically trying to turn it off. Hmm, weird, I didn’t get the memo that the holidays were upon us so soon, … huh.

There is really nothing we can do about it. When advertisers say the holidays are here … they are here. I give it hours, or maybe another day, if I’m being generous, that stores start blasting Christmas tunes and turn their heat up to equator-style temps.
I’m personally not ready for this shit. It’s true … the older you get, the more holidays suck. And I’m not saying that because I’m a big ol’ Grinch, I’m saying it because the people who let the word “holidays” put mountains of useless stress on their shoulders is not only idiotic, but incredibly annoying to the people around you who just want to enjoy the holidays.

So instead of throwing shit at your TV every time you see Santa, or start freaking out staring at the list of people you have to buy for, I want you … no … I dare you to take a deep breath and read my thoughts below that have the potential to zen you the fuck out during the “craaaaaaazed holiday season” … for the love … now, ahem:

1. Remember … It’s The Season of Giving: That doesn’t mean strictly designer goods, kids. Stop buying out Neiman for a sec and finish reading what I’m saying. This can be everything from a $5 knick-knack that made you think of the person, your time, a donation to a charity, a hug, a kiss, a poem, a homemade dinner. Stop thinking the more you spend the better person you are. No one cares slash knows. I’m not organic, I don’t eat granola or wear Birkenstocks (not that there is anything wrong with it), but sometimes shit that comes from the heart means more than a designer tag.

2. Make Memories: My aunt was always so good with this. Instead of giving me a toy I would stop playing with in 2.5 seconds, she would buy me tickets to a play or plan an adventure for us. Her reasoning was because unlike a toy she would buy me, I would have that memory forever.

3. Gifts Are OPTIONAL … Not MANDATORY: My GAWD, just because it is Christmas doesn’t mean you literally have to buy everyone you have ever laid eyes on a present. I don’t know where people got this assumption, but it is false. It is a nice gesture and can brighten someone’s day … but not necessary all of the time. Instead maybe, say with your co-workers, decide you will do a happy hour, donate to a shelter, give time to a soup kitchen … something that will make everyone feel better that doesn’t involve spending hours and hours fighting angry crowds at the mall searching for the perfect knick-knack.

And there you have it, folks. It is as simple as thinking outside of yourself. And if you are a person that likes a lot of presents (I mean who doesn’t), stop expecting so much. I miss the days of thumbing through the Sears Holiday Catalog and writing down everything my heart desired in red and green for Santa to see, too. But now … in order to decrease stress and chaos through the holidays … simplify. Enjoy. Take in the lights and the decorations. Soak in every moment with your loved ones. Eat way too much food and be happy you did. Because that’s what it is about when you get too old to thumb through the Sears Holiday Catalog.


I Got 99 Problems, But A Witch Ain’t One

Happy Halloween!

‘Tis truly one of my favorite holidays … and not just because you get to transform yourself into anyone or anything you have ever wanted to be. Mostly it is because of the copious amounts of chocolate and candy you can consume and not be judged for it.

I have so many fantastic memories from Halloween’s past. Like when I got to wear red high heels to school when I was in third grade (note they had like an inch block heel) when I came dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz (what can I say, I had growth spurts early on and could rock a woman’s size 7 heel). Or when my roommate in college and I dressed up as Sonny and Cher and I got to whip my long black wig around all evening, hoooooooo :::hair flip, tongue to top lip:::. Or even this past weekend when I dressed up as the twins from The Shining with one of my dear friends and got to scare the shit out of people all evening. I mean … Halloween is the best.

But here, right now, I want to pay homage to some of the baddest ladies that make Halloween, Halloween. The ones who made us dream of being able to point our fingers and make Prince Charming appear, or wiggle our noses and have an ice cream sundae pop out of thin air when our sweet teeth were calling.

So Happiest of Halloweens to all of my fantastic readers. And enjoy my mini photo montage below of some of my favorite witches from TV, movies, music (not saying Stevie Nicks is a witch … buuuut …) and even literature (clearly because I’m a word nerd).

Be safe, eat a ridiculous amount of candy and chocolate, and drink any and all spooky cocktails responsibly.

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What To Do When You Have No Plans

2c64ff0a792e3be6dbc5c229f1af2deeBecause I have absolutely no concept of time, someone alerted me to the fact that Labor Day was around the corner, meaning now, and I was dumbfounded. Like Summer 2013, where did you go?

Now, does anyone else get heart palpitations when a large chunk of time is staring at you and you have nothing to do with it? Or is that just me? I will be the first to admit that I hate being alone. So you can understand my anxiety about this weekend and how I have nothing to do.

But I decided something. Summer 2013, for me at least, was shit. I’m so ready for it to fade to black and have its sister, Autumn enter stage right. So I’m going to take this 3-day weekend and dedicate it to me, because I am single, childless, in my 20′s and can do shit like this. I’m not saying I’m going to get my hurr and nails did, get a massage, pop a bottle of Veuve for funsies. Nope, I’m talking about supreme decompression and doing things that will make me feel good inside and out … and not in a cosmetic way.

So if you are plans-less, like me, and need some inspiration, here are a few of my Labor Day activities, ahem:

1. Pimp out my blog: Yes, it has been over 2 years … it is time I get big girl hosting and do a complete redesign. There is a lot of boring, technical back-end stuff that needs to be done, so I’m going to saddle up and try and figure it out. GoDaddy … be prepared for frantic phone calls.

2. Become One With Netflix: I know, I know … it’s the last weekend of summer, I should be living it up outside, frolicking in the ocean … blah, blah, blah. Listen, I’m not even close to being tan. Not trying to get all wrinkled up for one summer fling, am I right? So yes, I’m going to cuddle up with Netflix and catch up on some movies and shows that I’ve been dying to watch. I.E. House of Cards.

3. Surround Myself With Fantastic People: Clearly I’m not going to spend the weekend like a recluse, duh … I told you I don’t like to be alone. But allowing yourself to be around people who are positive and love you for being you is the best thing you can do for yourself.

4. Spoon My Kitten: If you haven’t seen my numerous Instagram pics, and have seen and them and haven’t unfollowed me yet, I am a new cat mommy … and this little two month monster needs love and attention. #CatLady

5. Dive Head First Into Fall: Mmm, Fall fashion. It’s time to reinvent myself … and by reinvent myself, I mean buy as many pairs of boots as I possibly can. I’m ready for crisp, fall air … my wardrobe … isn’t. That means I need to go get lost in the mall for a bit. If I don’t come back after a few hours … don’t send a search party, I probably just fell asleep in a pile of leather boots or something.

6. Not Go Anywhere Near Made In America Fest: Crowds. Woof.

7. Kick It In My Backyard: Do you know they sell baby pools for like $5 at Five and Below? Because they do. Signature cocktails. Backyard lounging. Sunshine. Baby pool. A little slice of heaven.

8. Diet who now?: Yeah … diet shmiet … come September I’ll start counting my calories. Until then … it’s all about carbs on carbs on carbs.

9. Sleep: ZzzzZZZZZZzzzz, step 1 of a fantastic beauty routine. Catch up on Z’s and then get cocktails with them and take them home for a night cap. I’m not kidding … I’m going to pretend sleeping until 11 a.m. is totally the social norm and I will tell my mental alarm clock to suck it.

10. Live: Doing something that kicks your heart rate up a notch is the healthiest thing you can do. Not sure what my “live” moment will be just yet, but stepping outside of your comfort zone is not only freeing, but healthy. Get a tattoo, have a cocktail or 5 at lunch, sky dive, explore a new part of the city alone … it will be worth the rush.
With that being said, I hope everyone has a fantastic and safe Labor Day Weekend, no matter if you are shakin’ your ass with Beyonce or spooning a cat.

Global Warming Doesn’t Dictate …

… what I wear. Say it with me now … global warming doesn’t dictate what I wear. Okay, so I live in the Northeast, for those few readers who might not live in said area. So usually, in the land of normal that no longer exists, we don’t endure hurricanes, snow on Halloween, and we most certainly do not have 60 and above degree temperatures in December.

Usually this time in December, I’m trying to invest in another coat, checking to see how much snow the silly weather people say we are going to get (and then I subtract 5 inches) and hot chocolate feels like heaven whilst decorating the Christmas tree … but this year, not so much. Whilst decorating the tree at work today, I literally wanted to rip off my blazer (but couldn’t for I was wearing an inappropriate tank top underneath … blast) and the site of hot chocolate made me feel so uncomfortable I wanted to die. What in the HELL is going on?!

It just doesn’t feel like Christmas. I’m sorry, while driving to work in a ridiculous rain storm that lasts all day in a nice muggy 62 degrees while listening to Bing Crosby singing about chestnuts roasting on an open fire doesn’t feel right. You know what else doesn’t feel right? My winter coat, or my over the knee boots, or my scarfs and gloves, or my fur-trimmed sweaters that I’ve accumulated expecting … oh I dunno, WINTER. I wanna scream, I really do.

It is December for crying out loud. December. Well sorry, “global warming” I refuse to get on my knees and surrender to you, no matter how uncomfortable I may be. I’m over dressing in layers to go along with the fall weather guessing game of it being 70 degrees during the day and 30 degrees at night. Done. And so far, I feel like the people I see on a day-to-day basis agree. Amen people, amen.

I was contemplating wearing my fur-trimmed cardigan tomorrow at work, but hesitated because of how hot and stuffy everything was today. But you know what? I don’t care … because it is December. And dammit I will trim my tree in a fur-trimmed sweater if I please … which I do. I will wear my over the knee boots, even though they will trap heat within me making me crave consistently an ice-cold glass of water.

But honestly, suck it global warming. Stop ruining my holiday and bring on some cold, normal weather perhaps? That would be lovely. I would give ANYTHING just to see a snow flake … just one.